Why do they get married to the next person?

[stacma04]

I was in a two year relation with a BPD/NPD. we've broken up more times than I can count. This last time around I went NC for 7 months. I fell for the crap again and we got back together only to break up less than  a month after that. He then went back to the OW that  he was seeing when we were NC.  He  got engaged to her  one month after discarding me . Can anyone share any insight as to why they chose to marry the next person. Its not the first time that we've broken up and he went on to start new relationships but why did he decide to marry her one month after him and I were talking about getting married. I mean we even went to look at engagement rings, etc. When we got back together I asked him how his Mother felt about us getting back together after several months and he stated that his Mother knew how happy I made him. So If I made him so happy, and he  was so miserable without me for the past several months  as he claimed, then what made him want to Marry the OW?

I cant help but feel like he's either doing it to prove a point that he doesn't have any issues, or he just really never wanted to be with me... and if that's the case then why even bother going through the trouble of breaking up with the OW, come back to me, just to break up with me to go get married to her... Is that behavior normal?

If I met someone who I was dating and I knew I wanted to marry this person, I wouldn't break up with them to go back to an ex that I've broken up with several times.

As A Side note, I've been NC again for almost 4 months now. Does this also mean that  now that he's engaged he'll finally go away . When he was breaking up with me via text he told me that he can  never commit to me and I should move on with my life. How they can be so  cold and callous is beyond me


Sorry if I'm asking a million questions but I'm just trying to make sense of all this.

[once removed]

hey stacma04 

i certainly understand trying to make sense of this. the "why"s here would confuse anyone.

the root fears of abandonment and engulfment are important context in answering your questions. when a pwBPD enters a relationship, it is experienced as the solution to all their problems, a sense that they have been saved, and psychologically completed. this is not sustainable, and the person put on the pedestal will inevitably fall.

with marriage, i think we all put some emphasis on it as a goal. it means we have found our other, that we will never be alone, that we wont be abandoned. when abandonment is a root fear, marriage may appear to be the ultimate solution. the dissolution of fears. the fear of engulfment is at least one reason why this cant be sustainable. because when we get intimately close, we become a trigger for these fears. the closer that we get, the more wildly the triggers may swing back and forth. sometimes the trigger becomes too great, and the pwBPD abandons the relationship (us) and intensely attaches to another. this is survival.

i think that explains most of what you are asking. there is also the impulsive nature of a pwBPD to consider. moving this quickly (engagement, wedding talk) between relationships does strike me as impulsive. its a solution without thought to consequences or an eye down the road.

[stacma04]

Thank you so much for explaining this, it makes sense. I feel like they push away the people that love them the most. Its such a messed up situation for everyone involved.

[EaglesJuju]

Hi Stacma04,

Trying to understand this behavior can be an enigma. It is reasonable to ask questions. 

I am so sorry that you are going through this. I can understand how hurtful and callous for someone to break up with someone via text. Emotionally mature people do not break up via text. People who do this, often use avoidance as a way of solving problems. Many times avoidance comes from shame and guilt.

I feel like they push away the people that love them the most. Its such a messed up situation for everyone involved.

This is commonly the case with pwBPD. It is a vicious cycle. They find someone they love, but their own shame/guilt, impulsivity, dysregulated emotions, abandonment fears, fears of engulfment, poor self-esteem, and self-sabotage almost set them up to be a self-fulfilling prophecy.  It really is a messed up situation for everyone involved.