Saw my ex again

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

So today I saw by exBPDgf again for the first time in three months after 2 months of no contact. I tried to make conversation every once in a while but she acted like the last two years never even happened, like we never had that. I was treated far less important than almost anyone else she new at the event.

Sadly I ended up quite drunk and depressed as I am right now. Fml, how can all that love I put in mean absolutely nothing.

[Corgicuddler95]

So today I saw by exBPDgf again for the first time in three months after 2 months of no contact. I tried to make conversation every once in a while but she acted like the last two years never even happened, like we never had that. I was treated far less important than almost anyone else she new at the event.

Sadly I ended up quite drunk and depressed as I am right now. Fml, how can all that love I put in mean absolutely nothing.

[saintgrey]

Its a horrible feeling   wish i don't have to experience feeling like that ever again, at least we know how capable of love we are.

[OnceConfused]

it sounded to me that you did not grieve during that 2 months of nc. 

You fell right into her punishment trap of hers at the party. She perhaps knew that you were still attached to her, so by mostly ignoring you , she tried to send the message that " you are nothing to me, You need me more than I need you. and here is your punishment."

Pull yourself together, my friend. stay strong. Now you have more reasons to stay NC .

[Corgicuddler95]

I've definetly done some grieving but I wish I could have had more time. Sadly full NC is not an option in the foreseeable future.

It's just so difficult seeing her be excited to see old friends again but be so cold towards me, I bet the people around us who didn't know about "us" would have never guessed.

She looked especially beautiful as well ;_;

[SGraham]

Im sorry to hear that CC. I get how you feel that her indifference is especially painful. It's sort of like you want to scream at her "Feel something about me god damnit!". Hang in there bud.

Best wishes,

SG 

[enlighten me]

Hi CC

I know this can hurt. Ive been there many times as I have a kid with my ex and see her at least twice a week.

The cold indifference feels like you never mattered.

Try looking at it from another way. What if she is like this because she is pushing down her emotions? How do you behave when you put a brave face on things?

[Corgicuddler95]

Hi CC

I know this can hurt. Ive been there many times as I have a kid with my ex and see her at least twice a week.

The cold indifference feels like you never mattered.

Try looking at it from another way. What if she is like this because she is pushing down her emotions? How do you behave when you put a brave face on things?

I was trying to put a brave face on things but it felt like the major difference is I actually care enough to want to know how she is.

It's just especially hard being at a social event and seeing her get so happy to see friends she hasn't seen in months but we haven't seen each other for over 3 months and I don't register, like all those nights she spent pouring her heart out to me and trips to the doctors etc meant nothing.

[Fr4nz]

Hi CC

I know this can hurt. Ive been there many times as I have a kid with my ex and see her at least twice a week.

The cold indifference feels like you never mattered.

Try looking at it from another way. What if she is like this because she is pushing down her emotions? How do you behave when you put a brave face on things?

Actually it's not indifference at all, given her reaction... .he still triggers her.

Anyway, NC is the only solution (for you, to heal).

[enlighten me]

Hi Fr4nz

That's what I was trying to get across but not very well.

If we didn't matter they would talk to us without being bothered by it. They wouldn't go out of their way to ignore us.

[Corgicuddler95]

If I still triggered her why would she come to events that she knows I'm running or at least just not leave earlier. I think she just hates me now.

Sadly no contact is not an option as I have to run events for a university society which she decides to turn up to.

[enlighten me]

Why they do a lot of things is a mystery that we can only guess at.

Maybe she turned up to show you what you were missing. Maybe its because if she didn't her story wouldn't hold up with her friends.

If it was the first I would put it in the context of a child falling out with a friend. The child goes out of their way to show the friend how happy they now are and how much better off they are. Does a child mean this? Or is it that the child is hurt and doesn't want to show it?

[LimboFL]

Hi Enlightenme, I have been on this board for quite some time, I guess you could call me a veteran. Although I am just 8 months out of a 4 year live in relationship with my exBPDgf, I joined the board 4 years ago, when the relationship ended. Didn't visit in the midst of it all because I, at least had an understanding of what I was dealing with. She is a high functioning waif/Queen.  While not completely out of the woods yet, I am 90% there. I miss her a great deal but she broke a boundary that I would not accept and never will. A couple of contacts since, the last after my asking for there to no longer be contact, while signing off with love. Hardest journey of my life, this coming from a man who was married 20 year to a non (with her own issues) that ended up in a divorce that I wasn't expecting, but new was right. That was somewhat of a cake walk, compared to this.

I digress. My postings have dwindled down to almost nothing (I have a very empathetic view on pwBPD and have made a very strong point of pushing that they are all people with individual personalities and experiences while recognizing that there are simply some common traits that cannot be ignored) because coming here actually does more harm than good for me, but I still come once or so a day and have noticed your postings.

What is my point. I wanted to commend you on your wonderful and very kind responses. People come here, like myself and you, come here in a tremendous amount of pain and while appeasement (a frequent topic on this board) is not always best, what people are really seeking is a way to understand what they are facing, especially those who have very difficult encounters with ex's. Your child analogies, while not unfamiliar, are delivered adeptly with a great deal of caring and compassion for all sides. You have a way of expanding on the idea in a wonderful way that has even helped me on a few tough days.

I wanted to express my appreciation for your input and kind approach. This perspective is a way of informing the ones in pain about the possibility without elevating hope or denigrating our expwBPD (imperative). Anyway, I thought it was important to offer recognition who is taking the time to help and provide a soothing perspective. Thank you. 

[enlighten me]

Hi Limbo and thank you.

I believe there is more than one way to look at a problem and anyone who has worked with me would be able to tell you that. Even if some of my ideas might have seemed crazy to them.

Im glad that the child analogies have come across as I have hoped. It is one of the things that has helped me to understand and be compassionate about my exs behaviours.

People also forget that pwBPD are people too and do things not because of the disorder but because of human nature. I painted my exs black. I didn't want to be around them as they triggered me etc etc

In the beginning a lot of us vilify our exs. Its a normal reaction to being hurt. After a while though we need to get past this and understand. Not only their actions but our part in it.

I hope your getting to where you want to be Limbo.

EM

[LimboFL]

Vilification, while understandable is something I have spent a great deal of time on this board trying to push against. And you are absolutely right about the need to recognize that pwBPD have personalities and traits that are unrelated to the disorder. Some are selfish and heartless, simply because this was what they learned as humans. Mine was neither, in fact quite the opposite which is why I hung in there for so long, despite the abuse. It is the kind, sweet and loving part that I miss in my ex. It's the Hyde that I don't miss and what I use to keep me grounded.

To truly understand pwBPD, I believe that a compassionate view, while initially harder, will help one move forward faster. With that said, while my ex did inflict suffering on me, especially with the last broken boundary, she didn't inflict the same level of agony that I have read in some stories on this board, so I have nothing but compassion for some non's on here as well. When I read those stories, I am grateful that I either didn't hang on longer or that my ex was sufficiently aware to exhibit some control.

It doesn't make the loss any less painful.

Your responses help, rather than hurt, so the family is lucky to have you on board.

[enlighten me]

once again Limbo thank you for your kind words. It helps me to know that I am helping others.

I may start another thread on vilification as I don't want to hijack CC's thread.

[Learning Fast]

Enlighten,

Your child analogies are spot on.  They have helped immensely in the understanding of my uBPDgf's behavior.  Most if not all of us have our own childhood memories or our own children/nieces/nephews who we have seen grow and develop over the years. Think back to your own behavior patterns or those of younger people in your life.  Silent treatment? Splitting ?Projection?  I used these with my own parents many times... .when I was in grade school.

[Corgicuddler95]

Just a brief update because tonight I was meant to see her at another social event (she had even told me she was coming) but she never arrived. Turns out she didn't wake up till around 5/6pm.

She is meant to start her new uni course this week but her sleep schedule is so effed up. I feel this range of emotions, the desire to help her, that its sad she can't control herself, I'm glad I didn't have to see her but I also think (and maybe want) this to drive her back to me. Deep down I also know I shouldn't want to be with someone such a lack of self control and that I doubt I could stop her even if she let me tried.

[shatra]

Enlighten wrote---

Try looking at it from another way. What if she is like this because she is pushing down her emotions? How do you behave when you put a brave face on things?

----Yes it sounds like it is a defense mechanism, not a lack of care. 

-----Re:  getting triggered, if they still react strongly to the non (or avoid seeing the non because if they do they will get triggered)  it sounds like there is still an emotional attachment, no?