this is a new one on me

[SurfNTurf]

As I've mentioned in other threads recently, I've had a good run lately of caring for myself, not taking bait, etc. As a result, we've had 2-3 consecutive days of no dysregulation, no tantrums, no rages, no ST. I've been around the block enough to know this won't last, I enjoy it for what it is.

Oddly enough, he was trying to push my buttons this morning, and I called him on it. He even said, "Oh you know how I am, I try to push your buttons." I said, "It's actually called Intentional Aggravation, and it is sometimes linked to mental health disorders."

He said, "But you knew that when you married me." (no, I hadn't seen it.) and "You knew I was messed up when you married me - you saw my brother (drug addict) and my little brother (Dx Schiz) and you knew my mother had problems. How could you not think I was unaffected?"  (Blaming me, for marrying him, anyway, I guess.)

So I answered, "You made a very good impression during courtship of having your head on straight." (I was pleased with myself for NOT saying, 'You mirrored my every statement until I thought you were normal.)

Add this to recent disclosures he's made during times of validation, I am finding he actually KNEW he had issues prior to our marriage but I was too blinded by the mirroring, and too inexperienced to recognize this.   

This is the first time in all our time together he has actually made any indication that he may have issues.  A new one on me, I am sitting tight for now. Watchful waiting.

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[ColdEthyl]

My husband says similar things. He will bounce back and forth between "you knew I was a snake when you picked me up" to "My childhood didn't effect me at all"

He also had a mask on when we met. He exaggerated his strong points, and made no mention of the bad ones. We are at the point now where he can at least acknowledge the issues. The other night, he tried to bait me into a fight and I didn't respond I just went to sleep. The next morning when he was clear and sober (he only does this junk when he drinks) I asked him to help me understand why he wants to pick fights sometimes. He said if he's angry about something, he's not usually over it until the next day so it's a bleed-over.

He was upset with me earlier that day because we were at the bar watching a football game and during halftime he was talking to another patron about stats and such. I didn't really have anything to do or say. We were sitting at the bar so his back was towards me while he talked. I didn't mind, but I put my head down on the table.

He took that as I sign that I "didn't want to be there." I never said that... .didn't mean that.

I get so frustrated with him telling me how I feel... .at the exact same time he tells me I can't tell him how to feel... .when I'm not.

[unicorn2014]

As I've mentioned in other threads recently, I've had a good run lately of caring for myself, not taking bait, etc. As a result, we've had 2-3 consecutive days of no dysregulation, no tantrums, no rages, no ST. I've been around the block enough to know this won't last, I enjoy it for what it is.

Oddly enough, he was trying to push my buttons this morning, and I called him on it. He even said, "Oh you know how I am, I try to push your buttons." I said, "It's actually called Intentional Aggravation, and it is sometimes linked to mental health disorders."

He said, "But you knew that when you married me." (no, I hadn't seen it.) and "You knew I was messed up when you married me - you saw my brother (drug addict) and my little brother (Dx Schiz) and you knew my mother had problems. How could you not think I was unaffected?"  (Blaming me, for marrying him, anyway, I guess.)

So I answered, "You made a very good impression during courtship of having your head on straight." (I was pleased with myself for NOT saying, 'You mirrored my every statement until I thought you were normal.)

That is really amazing, I am so glad you shared that. I really like what you said about him mirroring you until you thought he was normal. My pwBPD does that same stuff and it drives me nuts. In fact I think I need to read up on it. I've even called him on it. I also liked what you said about him blaming you for marrying him. You definitely sound like you have a tough row to hoe. I'm glad you are standing up for yourself!

[Moselle]

SurfNTurf,

It sounds like you are really switched on, and acutely aware of how to validate him or at least not invalidate him.

Do you feel safe within your boundaries?