My Story

[Depression = 72% of members]

At the age of 2 I was adopted. I don't remember anything of the first two years of my life, but my birth parents were alcoholics and I don't imagine my first two years of life were very stable. I was eventually adopted, and my adoptive parents were perhaps not best suited to raising a child. My mother has BPD and NPD traits and was very emotionally manipulative and abusive to me for the first 20 so years of my life. My Dad was a victim of hers, and enmeshed in the relationship. He never stood up for me, and spent most of his days at work followed by the pub, eventually getting home past 8'o clock.

My mother as I say was very emotionally unstable, she alternated between punishing me, running me down, mocking me, making me feel worthless, to using me as her therapist when she fell out with my dad, this bred a true blue codependent. my father being so absent never did any of the things that you'd want a dad to do. He never taught me to be a man, he never so much as took me to a park on a Saturday to kick a ball around. He avoided me as much as possible. I later found out he never wanted to adopt, and did it to satiate my mother.

My extended family were never accepting of me either, they didn't approve of my fathers marriage and I guess I was a by product of that so I was pretty much shunned, and treated as the black sheep. My cousins got preferential treatment over me, and I was aware of it even at a very young age. This would extend to things like uncles giving them a pound to buy sweets with, while I was standing there, and not giving me one too. It made me feel always as though i'd done something wrong.

As I grew older my mother got worse, I begun to suspect that she was mentally ill when I was around 16, but I never followed it up and once i'd moved out I figured it was over and now my good life would begin. I didn't realise that those formative years had hardwired a million problems into me and I wouldn't uncover this for quite some time.

My romantic relationships were always of poor quality. My first relationship was probably my "best" it was with a pretty girl with low self esteem, and it lasted about 2 years from 17-19. After we broke up she was pregnant within 6 months and now at the age of 27 has four children to three different fathers, and lives alone with her kids. We talk from time to time and she still tells me i'm the only one she ever loved and who treated her well.

After that there wasn't much more. I had three or four girlfriends but they were all girls I was not attracted to, and thus didn't put the effort into a relationship that I should, so they all fizzled out within a few months. The girls I was attracted to I was so intimidated by, and I either didn't dare ask them out or would get rejected with things like "you are such a nice guy but i think we should stay friends". It always confused me as i'm not a bad looking guy but i found some invisible wall between the girls i was attracted to and not. Years of rejection made me jaded and I just stopped trying.

I spent a couple of years as a recluse, working and playing video games until I met my BPD, I was attracted to her like crazy and she seemed interested in me too, nay she REALLY liked me. I fought I had finally found "the one" but i'd be so unbelievably wrong. What followed was typical, no surprises BPD-Codependant horror story, culminating in her splitting me, running off with a new guy and me having a complete emotional breakdown and wanting to die.

This was when I went to counselling for the first time and my counsiller quizzed me on my childhood and was aghast at what she heard. I didn't realise it was such a big deal, but I know now that I was horribly abused as a kid, and that's whats lead to my issues and why I find things so hard.

Over the 18 months since that incident I have been on a journey to become self aware and fix my issues of codependency and low self esteem. It's been a journey that's been hampered by continued contact with my BPD who I just can't seem to get totally clear of. However i'm working towards that.

I recently found trauma recovery university online who have a lot of help for people who were abused as kids and their stuff seems good so i'm hopeful that it can help me.

I don't want to live like this anymore. I am getting close to 30 and feel like nobody has ever loved me, and I feel like I dont deserve that, i try to be a good person and i try my best but I have so many mental roadblocks and it's so hard, life is honestly so hard, I feel like all I can do is just exist and get by and not cause anyone any problems and that's all i've done. But on the same side I know i have potential, I am reasonably smart, i'm compassionate, i'm not ugly so it makes no sense why life should be such a struggle and why I can't enjoy it.

So this is my thread to break the cycle and put some goals together and things like that. I hope that fellow board members might be able to give some support.

thanks for reading

[Infern0]

At the age of 2 I was adopted. I don't remember anything of the first two years of my life, but my birth parents were alcoholics and I don't imagine my first two years of life were very stable. I was eventually adopted, and my adoptive parents were perhaps not best suited to raising a child. My mother has BPD and NPD traits and was very emotionally manipulative and abusive to me for the first 20 so years of my life. My Dad was a victim of hers, and enmeshed in the relationship. He never stood up for me, and spent most of his days at work followed by the pub, eventually getting home past 8'o clock.

My mother as I say was very emotionally unstable, she alternated between punishing me, running me down, mocking me, making me feel worthless, to using me as her therapist when she fell out with my dad, this bred a true blue codependent. my father being so absent never did any of the things that you'd want a dad to do. He never taught me to be a man, he never so much as took me to a park on a Saturday to kick a ball around. He avoided me as much as possible. I later found out he never wanted to adopt, and did it to satiate my mother.

My extended family were never accepting of me either, they didn't approve of my fathers marriage and I guess I was a by product of that so I was pretty much shunned, and treated as the black sheep. My cousins got preferential treatment over me, and I was aware of it even at a very young age. This would extend to things like uncles giving them a pound to buy sweets with, while I was standing there, and not giving me one too. It made me feel always as though i'd done something wrong.

As I grew older my mother got worse, I begun to suspect that she was mentally ill when I was around 16, but I never followed it up and once i'd moved out I figured it was over and now my good life would begin. I didn't realise that those formative years had hardwired a million problems into me and I wouldn't uncover this for quite some time.

My romantic relationships were always of poor quality. My first relationship was probably my "best" it was with a pretty girl with low self esteem, and it lasted about 2 years from 17-19. After we broke up she was pregnant within 6 months and now at the age of 27 has four children to three different fathers, and lives alone with her kids. We talk from time to time and she still tells me i'm the only one she ever loved and who treated her well.

After that there wasn't much more. I had three or four girlfriends but they were all girls I was not attracted to, and thus didn't put the effort into a relationship that I should, so they all fizzled out within a few months. The girls I was attracted to I was so intimidated by, and I either didn't dare ask them out or would get rejected with things like "you are such a nice guy but i think we should stay friends". It always confused me as i'm not a bad looking guy but i found some invisible wall between the girls i was attracted to and not. Years of rejection made me jaded and I just stopped trying.

I spent a couple of years as a recluse, working and playing video games until I met my BPD, I was attracted to her like crazy and she seemed interested in me too, nay she REALLY liked me. I fought I had finally found "the one" but i'd be so unbelievably wrong. What followed was typical, no surprises BPD-Codependant horror story, culminating in her splitting me, running off with a new guy and me having a complete emotional breakdown and wanting to die.

This was when I went to counselling for the first time and my counsiller quizzed me on my childhood and was aghast at what she heard. I didn't realise it was such a big deal, but I know now that I was horribly abused as a kid, and that's whats lead to my issues and why I find things so hard.

Over the 18 months since that incident I have been on a journey to become self aware and fix my issues of codependency and low self esteem. It's been a journey that's been hampered by continued contact with my BPD who I just can't seem to get totally clear of. However i'm working towards that.

I recently found trauma recovery university online who have a lot of help for people who were abused as kids and their stuff seems good so i'm hopeful that it can help me.

I don't want to live like this anymore. I am getting close to 30 and feel like nobody has ever loved me, and I feel like I dont deserve that, i try to be a good person and i try my best but I have so many mental roadblocks and it's so hard, life is honestly so hard, I feel like all I can do is just exist and get by and not cause anyone any problems and that's all i've done. But on the same side I know i have potential, I am reasonably smart, i'm compassionate, i'm not ugly so it makes no sense why life should be such a struggle and why I can't enjoy it.

So this is my thread to break the cycle and put some goals together and things like that. I hope that fellow board members might be able to give some support.

thanks for reading

[eeks]

Hi Infern0,

I would imagine that being born to addicted parents and subsequently adopted (even though it may have been in your best interests at the time) is still a disruption to the feelings of attachment and stability which are important to infant development. It sounds like your adoptive parents were too preoccupied with their own unresolved traumas and ensuing emotional issues, and the problems in their marriage, to adequately parent any child.  Your mother being a pwBPD and your father taking a passive role (co-dependent himself maybe?) tells you something about their level of emotional health.  Even beyond being unable to parent you, it also sounds like at times they were essentially looking to you to parent them, and that's a job description no child anywhere can fill.

Are you in therapy currently?

You say you have continued contact with your BPD ex, and you feel that's having a negative influence on you.  Just to clarify, did you attempt going NC but found that you broke it for some reason?  Do you know specifically what it is that keeps you drawn to be in contact with her? 

[Infern0]

Hi Infern0,

I would imagine that being born to addicted parents and subsequently adopted (even though it may have been in your best interests at the time) is still a disruption to the feelings of attachment and stability which are important to infant development. It sounds like your adoptive parents were too preoccupied with their own unresolved traumas and ensuing emotional issues, and the problems in their marriage, to adequately parent any child.  Your mother being a pwBPD and your father taking a passive role (co-dependent himself maybe?) tells you something about their level of emotional health.  Even beyond being unable to parent you, it also sounds like at times they were essentially looking to you to parent them, and that's a job description no child anywhere can fill.

Are you in therapy currently?

You say you have continued contact with your BPD ex, and you feel that's having a negative influence on you.  Just to clarify, did you attempt going NC but found that you broke it for some reason?  Do you know specifically what it is that keeps you drawn to be in contact with her? 

Hi, no I'm not in therapy as its expensive in my country and at the moment I can't afford it so I'm trying to treat myself which is probably not ideal but better than nothing


I have tried to go NC on my ex 4 times but she always breaks it. She's a low functioning waif so I try to be there as a friend but she tries to blur the lines on that and it's not healthy.  She's not capable of a real relationship but fantasises about it, so she will say things like "when we get together" or "when we get married" but doesn't take any action on it, she sleeps around a bit too.

But yeah I think I'd find recovery easier if she let me go for good.

[Sunfl0wer]

Inferno,

I can only imagine the pain and struggle you are experiencing.  I imagine that having emotionally unavailable parents and awful childhood experiences only compounds your current experiences.

I have tried to go NC on my ex 4 times but she always breaks it.

Have you considered that NC is about you detaching, not reliant on her behavior?  You are responsible for responding to her... .or ignoring her.

But yeah I think I'd find recovery easier if she let me go for good.

If you continue to make your emotional health and ability to recover dependent on any behavior on her part... .you are not in control.  Your recovery is only about you.  It is only up to you.  She cannot give anything to you to assist you.  The point of your recovery is accepting that you are in control of it, and finding your own ways to detach.

I am sorry that this sounds utterly blunt.  However, it IS about YOU. This is really tough stuff you are faced with!

[Infern0]

Inferno,

I can only imagine the pain and struggle you are experiencing.  I imagine that having emotionally unavailable parents and awful childhood experiences only compounds your current experiences.

I have tried to go NC on my ex 4 times but she always breaks it.

Have you considered that NC is about you detaching, not reliant on her behavior?  You are responsible for responding to her... .or ignoring her.

But yeah I think I'd find recovery easier if she let me go for good.

If you continue to make your emotional health and ability to recover dependent on any behavior on her part... .you are not in control.  Your recovery is only about you.  It is only up to you.  She cannot give anything to you to assist you.  The point of your recovery is accepting that you are in control of it, and finding your own ways to detach.

I am sorry that this sounds utterly blunt.  However, it IS about YOU. This is really tough stuff you are faced with!

Yes I know detatching is about me and that it is my right to go NC, however I find it difficult to abandon someone who has had a worse life than myself even if she does cause me a great deal of pain by her actions.

I have taken steps such as deleting her number so i dont text her, and deleting all messages as soon as i reply to them so i wont contact too much. I am struggling, this is clearly linked to my childhood issues and it's why i'm so weak to it.

On the plus side, being aware of it takes some of the sting out of it.

[eeks]

Yes I know detatching is about me and that it is my right to go NC, however I find it difficult to abandon someone who has had a worse life than myself even if she does cause me a great deal of pain by her actions.

I have taken steps such as deleting her number so i dont text her, and deleting all messages as soon as i reply to them so i wont contact too much. I am struggling, this is clearly linked to my childhood issues and it's why i'm so weak to it.

On the plus side, being aware of it takes some of the sting out of it.

So what I think you're saying is, you want to heal and you honestly believe you have potential to have a better life, and would like to create some goals and direction for yourself.  However, staying in contact with your ex is affecting you negatively, but it's complicated, because you feel compassion for the "worse" life she has had, the suffering that she goes through.

Would you like to work on figuring out a way to maintain NC that honours both your need for inner peace and well-being, and your compassion towards her?

Is she in therapy?  What other support does she have in her life? 

[Infern0]

Yes I know detatching is about me and that it is my right to go NC, however I find it difficult to abandon someone who has had a worse life than myself even if she does cause me a great deal of pain by her actions.

I have taken steps such as deleting her number so i dont text her, and deleting all messages as soon as i reply to them so i wont contact too much. I am struggling, this is clearly linked to my childhood issues and it's why i'm so weak to it.

On the plus side, being aware of it takes some of the sting out of it.

So what I think you're saying is, you want to heal and you honestly believe you have potential to have a better life, and would like to create some goals and direction for yourself.  However, staying in contact with your ex is affecting you negatively, but it's complicated, because you feel compassion for the "worse" life she has had, the suffering that she goes through.

Would you like to work on figuring out a way to maintain NC that honours both your need for inner peace and well-being, and your compassion towards her?

Is she in therapy?  What other support does she have in her life?  

No she's not in therapy and she doesn't really have any support.  She doesn't really have any mature friends, her best friend is suspected HPD and cuts her off periodically.  her family don't do much for her so I'm one of the few.  This is why I didn't mind remaining as friends because it's not so involved or emotionally draining. But she doesn't want to just be friends she wants me to want a relationship with her so if she decides she wants one I'll be there.  It makes no sense I know

[myself]

Hi Inferno, I relate to much of what you're saying, where you've been and where you'd like to be. One of the things that's helped me the most in life is being creative. Making art and music, writing, etc. Do you have anything like that to help you deal with what's going on inside, and to be able to express it?

[Panda39]

Hi InfernO,

Can I ask you what does your ex do for you?  What do you get from the continued contact? Why is what you get from the contact important to you?

I spent a lot of time in my past relationships only focused on what I did for my partners but only recently realized that I never looked at what they did for me.  I discovered I did a lot for my past partners and guarantee you they all would say good things about me today. By being the "best girlfriend" I got a boost to my self-esteem by my love, care and nurturing of them, and I gained control of the relationships since I took care of everything. I was the perfect co-dependent partner.  Those were things I gave and received in return for what I gave. I would be honorable and fight for my relationships even when they were unhealthy.  I would be responsible and do the right thing I was committed and I'd stay to the bitter end... .I would be the perfect girlfriend.

But what did they give? When I look back not alot... .There was some love yes but there was also, emotional abuse, cheating, physical abuse, controlling, alchoholism, FOG and co-dependence.  I never saw it all until I looked on all of my relationships as a group and how I was "cared for" by them.

When I looked at the patterns of my past relationships I realized I deserved better and wanted better. I started looking at myself.  Who was I?  What was important to me (not what was important to my mom, my friends, society)  What were the lies about myself that I learned and believed?  I began to reject the invalid stuff I internalized through out my life.  I am as smart at my PhD brother, I am pretty the way I am, I am a good mother, I am a good provider, being sensitive is not a bad thing etc. I finally found my authentic self.

Once I found me I wanted to find a partner for the true me.   I wanted a real partnership with with an adult that was interdependent not co-dependent.  I wanted someone I could love and not be caretaker of and someone that loved me for who I was not what I did for them.

So start with Infern0... .Who is Infern0?  What are some false beliefs you might have about yourself? What are your true values and beliefs?

Hope something here helps,

Panda39

[eeks]

Can I ask you what does your ex do for you?  What do you get from the continued contact? Why is what you get from the contact important to you?

I spent a lot of time in my past relationships only focused on what I did for my partners but only recently realized that I never looked at what they did for me.  I discovered I did a lot for my past partners and guarantee you they all would say good things about me today. By being the "best girlfriend" I got a boost to my self-esteem by my love, care and nurturing of them, and I gained control of the relationships since I took care of everything. I was the perfect co-dependent partner.  Those were things I gave and received in return for what I gave. I would be honorable and fight for my relationships even when they were unhealthy.  I would be responsible and do the right thing I was committed and I'd stay to the bitter end... .I would be the perfect girlfriend.

But what did they give? When I look back not alot... .There was some love yes but there was also, emotional abuse, cheating, physical abuse, controlling, alchoholism, FOG and co-dependence.  I never saw it all until I looked on all of my relationships as a group and how I was "cared for" by them.

Yep.  I remained "friends" with uBPDex because I was at a low point in my life at that time, feeling very lonely, and also because I wanted him to realize he'd made a mistake in judging me so harshly (didn't know about idealization and devaluation then) and realize that I was good for him (so there was some caretaking behaviour on my part).  It was only once I was not in regular communication with him anymore (even through text) that I saw how much of a negative impact he had on my state of mind.

No she's not in therapy and she doesn't really have any support.  She doesn't really have any mature friends, her best friend is suspected HPD and cuts her off periodically.  her family don't do much for her so I'm one of the few.  This is why I didn't mind remaining as friends because it's not so involved or emotionally draining. But she doesn't want to just be friends she wants me to want a relationship with her so if she decides she wants one I'll be there.  It makes no sense I know

Feeling compassion for her because she had a hard early life, and doesn't really have anyone supportive in her life right now, I see how this is one of the challenging aspects of trying to go NC.  You've acknowledged that, if she told you she wanted a relationship, you would go for it, despite the fact that you know it's going to be "involved and emotionally draining".

If she doesn't want to be "just friends", though, if she wants you to want a relationship with her, if she says things that sound like assuming you'll be together someday... .this sounds like trouble to me.

My experience was that I realized I could not "love uBPDex back to health", whether we were in a relationship or not.  I can care, and support, and love, but I can't "fix" him.  That was hard because he was engaging in some self-destructive behaviours.  And I cared because I really did see the potential in him.  He is highly intelligent, creative, precise and sensitive.  But what made it easier for me was that he essentially stopped allowing me to care for him.  All our conversations would devolve into arguments, and after a particular incident where he blocked my number, I responded (not knowing if he'd receive it) that I was a good person, and he knows it, and I would have stood by him, and he knows that too.  I forget what else I said, but I felt closure.

I did respond to his text 5 months later, it sounded at the time like he was doing better, and I actually went to see him, I think it might have been a recycle attempt on his part that I didn't fall for (based on a kind of snippy text I got from him afterwards, didn't reply).  But that was because I had emotionally detached, even to the point of doubting whether he and I could be "friends" at all.

I believe very strongly that connection with others, intimacy and community, are essential to healing all kinds of mental health woes.  So I'm not promoting a policy of abandoning people in trouble.  But I'm concerned when you describe your ex that you sound very much still emotionally attached to her, and I can't tell you whether or not to stay friends with her, but at minimum if you do, I think you're going to need to figure out some way to "untangle" yourself from her emotionally.  And I don't know if it will be possible for you to do that *while* staying friends.

[Infern0]

Can I ask you what does your ex do for you?  What do you get from the continued contact? Why is what you get from the contact important to you?

I spent a lot of time in my past relationships only focused on what I did for my partners but only recently realized that I never looked at what they did for me.  I discovered I did a lot for my past partners and guarantee you they all would say good things about me today. By being the "best girlfriend" I got a boost to my self-esteem by my love, care and nurturing of them, and I gained control of the relationships since I took care of everything. I was the perfect co-dependent partner.  Those were things I gave and received in return for what I gave. I would be honorable and fight for my relationships even when they were unhealthy.  I would be responsible and do the right thing I was committed and I'd stay to the bitter end... .I would be the perfect girlfriend.

But what did they give? When I look back not alot... .There was some love yes but there was also, emotional abuse, cheating, physical abuse, controlling, alchoholism, FOG and co-dependence.  I never saw it all until I looked on all of my relationships as a group and how I was "cared for" by them.

Yep.  I remained "friends" with uBPDex because I was at a low point in my life at that time, feeling very lonely, and also because I wanted him to realize he'd made a mistake in judging me so harshly (didn't know about idealization and devaluation then) and realize that I was good for him (so there was some caretaking behaviour on my part).  It was only once I was not in regular communication with him anymore (even through text) that I saw how much of a negative impact he had on my state of mind.

No she's not in therapy and she doesn't really have any support.  She doesn't really have any mature friends, her best friend is suspected HPD and cuts her off periodically.  her family don't do much for her so I'm one of the few.  This is why I didn't mind remaining as friends because it's not so involved or emotionally draining. But she doesn't want to just be friends she wants me to want a relationship with her so if she decides she wants one I'll be there.  It makes no sense I know

Feeling compassion for her because she had a hard early life, and doesn't really have anyone supportive in her life right now, I see how this is one of the challenging aspects of trying to go NC.  You've acknowledged that, if she told you she wanted a relationship, you would go for it, despite the fact that you know it's going to be "involved and emotionally draining".

If she doesn't want to be "just friends", though, if she wants you to want a relationship with her, if she says things that sound like assuming you'll be together someday... .this sounds like trouble to me.

My experience was that I realized I could not "love uBPDex back to health", whether we were in a relationship or not.  I can care, and support, and love, but I can't "fix" him.  That was hard because he was engaging in some self-destructive behaviours.  And I cared because I really did see the potential in him.  He is highly intelligent, creative, precise and sensitive.  But what made it easier for me was that he essentially stopped allowing me to care for him.  All our conversations would devolve into arguments, and after a particular incident where he blocked my number, I responded (not knowing if he'd receive it) that I was a good person, and he knows it, and I would have stood by him, and he knows that too.  I forget what else I said, but I felt closure.

I did respond to his text 5 months later, it sounded at the time like he was doing better, and I actually went to see him, I think it might have been a recycle attempt on his part that I didn't fall for (based on a kind of snippy text I got from him afterwards, didn't reply).  But that was because I had emotionally detached, even to the point of doubting whether he and I could be "friends" at all.

I believe very strongly that connection with others, intimacy and community, are essential to healing all kinds of mental health woes.  So I'm not promoting a policy of abandoning people in trouble.  But I'm concerned when you describe your ex that you sound very much still emotionally attached to her, and I can't tell you whether or not to stay friends with her, but at minimum if you do, I think you're going to need to figure out some way to "untangle" yourself from her emotionally.  And I don't know if it will be possible for you to do that *while* staying friends.

Just to clarify, I am not sure if I would re-enter a relationship with her if she asked. I wanted to define what there is between us as friends and agree to that and that if either of us saw other people it would be ok. But she wouldn't agree to that and cut me off for a couple of weeks. When she returned she was calling me babe and putting xoxo at the end of her texts etc, so not "friends" communication.

For my part I have not put that stuff in my texts. She contacts me every 2-3 days and we exchange a few messages. As I said in the above she is not capable of a healthy relationship and at current doesn't attempt one with me at least. Since I have been devalued the second time it's not been the same with her and this limited contact is the most it is.

For my part I want to recover and she doesn't help that, it's hard when you get texts like "how was your day babe, i'm missing you xoxo" not to have some emotional stirring. Although IMO those texts are shallow and empty, and she is just fishing for a intimate response i.e supply, which she will not act on.

Point is, do i just say to her look i don't want to talk anymore?

I will say her behaviour in the last few months has been bizzare even by her standards, I dont know if that only applies to me or everyone, but she's acting like she's living in a dreamworld, there's very little of the "real her" left.

[eeks]

Just to clarify, I am not sure if I would re-enter a relationship with her if she asked. I wanted to define what there is between us as friends and agree to that and that if either of us saw other people it would be ok. But she wouldn't agree to that and cut me off for a couple of weeks. When she returned she was calling me babe and putting xoxo at the end of her texts etc, so not "friends" communication.

I am having difficulty seeing how there is any basis for a viable friendship here.

For my part I have not put that stuff in my texts. She contacts me every 2-3 days and we exchange a few messages. As I said in the above she is not capable of a healthy relationship and at current doesn't attempt one with me at least. Since I have been devalued the second time it's not been the same with her and this limited contact is the most it is.

For my part I want to recover and she doesn't help that, it's hard when you get texts like "how was your day babe, i'm missing you xoxo" not to have some emotional stirring. Although IMO those texts are shallow and empty, and she is just fishing for a intimate response i.e supply, which she will not act on.

If you recognize that the texts are fishing for an intimate response, and you are aware that it impedes your recovery to read these texts, then what's keeping you from declaring NC with her?

By the way, NC means that you do not contact her, regardless of whether she contacts you. It could include blocking her number, social media etc. if necessary.  Maybe you knew that, but I thought I should clarify since you said "I am trying to go NC but she keeps texting me."  NC is something you do. 

Panda39 asked you some tough but important questions, including what are you getting out of the continued contact with her?

Point is, do i just say to her look i don't want to talk anymore?

You could, or you could try the BIFF approach (brief, informative, friendly and firm) - here is a good summary www.highconflictinstitute.com/articles/most-popular-articles/78-hci-articles/published-articles/87-responding-to-hostile-email but you could probably do an internet search and find more.

[Infern0]

I don't think there is room for a viable friendship.

I dunno i guess I just wish things would change and she'd make some progress but she's getting worse. It just sucks because we used to be really close and it's like shes not even a real person anymore.

I need to think on things, this isn't easy.

[eeks]

I don't think there is room for a viable friendship.

I dunno i guess I just wish things would change and she'd make some progress but she's getting worse. It just sucks because we used to be really close and it's like shes not even a real person anymore.

I need to think on things, this isn't easy.

I understand.  It's hard to watch this happening to someone you care about.  Realistically though, the conscious efforts of you, one person, vs. a disorder that is known to mental health professionals to be difficult to treat, and is (as those of us who have been reading about it know) tragic, in that it is an attempt in many cases to compensate and survive as best the person can in the face of severe and chronic childhood neglect and abuse? 

How can we help you genuinely care, but not in a way that is putting a burden on yourself?

[Infern0]

I don't think there is room for a viable friendship.

I dunno i guess I just wish things would change and she'd make some progress but she's getting worse. It just sucks because we used to be really close and it's like shes not even a real person anymore.

I need to think on things, this isn't easy.

I understand.  It's hard to watch this happening to someone you care about.  Realistically though, the conscious efforts of you, one person, vs. a disorder that is known to mental health professionals to be difficult to treat, and is (as those of us who have been reading about it know) tragic, in that it is an attempt in many cases to compensate and survive as best the person can in the face of severe and chronic childhood neglect and abuse? 

How can we help you genuinely care, but not in a way that is putting a burden on yourself?

What I want in an ideal world is to detatch from her emotionally, but still remain friends.

She is not well, that much is obvious, but if I could keep her in my life, then I could at least be stable in that aspect. But I need to work on myself so that i'm not reactionary to her behaviours. She also makes it hard by not agreeing to define our relationship as a "friendship" but maybe i just need to define it as that in my own head and act accordingly.

I want to explore this possibility

[eeks]

How do you define "emotional detachment"?  What would that look and feel like for you?