Separation

[kbd]

I just recently split from my husband of 27 years. I believe he has BPD. He has been abusive to me and our 2 daughters but has always been good to our 2 sons. I'm trying to help my girls understand it's not their fault.

[HappyNihilist]

Hi there, kbd, and welcome to the family. I'm glad you found us. There are many people here who understand, and who can offer support and knowledge.

I'm so sorry you're going through this.   Separating from your husband of almost 30 years, who's been abusive to you and your daughters - that's tough.

You're obviously a loving mother who wants what's best for your children. How old are your daughters? What is their relationship like with their father?

You say that you believe your husband has BPD. What sort of traits and behavior does he display?

You may also want to take a look at the Co-parenting after the Split and Family law, divorce and custody boards. There you'll find articles and discussions about dealing with the various aspects of separation, divorce, and co-parenting. Our senior members there have personal experience and know the problems and the pitfalls. They can provide advice and support in protecting yourself and your children as you go through this difficult, painful process.

Again, welcome, and please keep posting. It helps to talk.

[Turkish]

H kbd,

How old are your Kids?

T

[kbd]

My girls are 19 and 17, my sons are both older, 21 and 23. The younger of my boys also displays My girls are 19 and 17, my sons are both older, 21 and 23. The younger of my boys also displays many BPD traits. The girls have always had a tough relationship with their father. His was not equipped to handle the needs of young girls. He would tantrum more than they did when faced with their normal age appropriate emotions. My oldest son has high functioning autism and as a result tended to be less challenging when emotions were at play. He's a very practical thinker and separated everything into "categories" for lack of a better description. The younger of the boys was always more emotional than his sisters but, my husband saw him as a peer as opposed to a competition. They still support each other’s very unique views of events.

As for the behaviors that led me to believe husband has BPD, as I stated before, he has childlike tantrums. He manipulates situations to appear as if he's my caretaker and my victim all at once. In fact, the first time I heard about BPD was when he tried to claim I had it. I only recently came to understand that he was deflecting his issues onto me. My response to his accusations was logical, I sought the opinion of a BPD specialist and asked her to assess me. She did, and concluded, with him present, that it was, in fact, him, not I, that displayed symptoms of the diagnosis. I had no idea at the time that this wasn't a wise course of action. It caused several years of denial and ultimately abusive behavior.

My husband tends to keep secret relationships, usually with women, He idealizes them but keeps them at a distance at the same time. He's careless with these relationships and has exposed my children to them on  numerous occasions. They were much too young and I'm afraid it may have caused some real heartbreak. It certainly damaged his relationship with his daughters.

He is also incredibly careless with money, but, at the same time very controlling. He blames me when our finances fall apart but at the same time has been instrumental in eliminating my access to bank information and bills. We've lost a house and a car to his careless financial habits. We've also lost a second home to his need for drama. It's a very long story but, suffice it to say, he was desperate for attention and portrayed me as someone evil to a co-owner who took him at his word. He can be very convincing.

He actually has no real relationships of his own. He grew up with a strong bond (or so I thought) with childhood friends but never maintained the relationships. For him, if a person is out of sight, they are out of mind as well. It's very sad, I believe these people actually thought he was bonded to him but after so many years without contact, he really has no one left.

I suppose the worst issue is the violence and yet somehow, the manipulation, the constant complaints to women and friends about me, hurt me more than his rages. He spent many years "bad mouthing" me to friends to family, even to my own children. In fact, I was oblivious to his behavior until my oldest daughter got angry and ended up blurting out what he'd been doing, during an argument with him. At first he had me convinced that she was lying and trying to come between us. For a time, I was desperate to believe him but then, he started to say she had BPD, and I was well aware she didn't. It was time for me to face the damage he was causing, repair my relationship with the daughter he'd hurt so much and try to understand what was happening. It's taken me almost three years to find a way to leave him but, I'm finally out, with my girls. I want to get my oldest son but am financially unable to care for him yet. My younger son lives on his own for the time being. In fact, he lives with a woman nearly twice his age, who I also suspect has BPD but, that's another very long story.

After 27 years of nearly constant manipulation and blaming, I feel like I'm coming out of a dark tunnel. I'm overwhelmed by how deep this problem ran. I'm running scenarios of our life back through my mind and realizing how far back it really goes, and how much damage he's done to my kids. Thankfully, they are very open with me about how they feel and they feel safe now that we are away from him. It's going to be a long road but I do believe they can recover from this. I just need to know how to help them. Yes, I have already found therapists to work with both of them.