there she blows

[jq46810]

I really don't get it, in the last six months she destroyed us culminating in calling the police invented a fictitious domestic violence charge and had me arrested which had her being evicted from my home, she then went back overseas to her home and has continued to abuse me daily whilst sledging me to all of her friends. Last week she cleaned out our bank account and went NC and has been silent for 6days.

Well she just rang 3am as my friends said she would in a half drunk tone obviously getting home from whatever nightclub and commenced  to rant and abuse me for 35min. She raised minor disagreements from two years ago then inflated those disagreements as much more sinister issues. Im apparantly a marginal human being because i would never let her meet my children and she called me a poor father abusive and damaged. She also has diagnosed herself as better and has decided to start bringing herself off her BP medications. She is convinced that it was me who is mentally ill.

On a positive though as upsetting as that was again, for the first time i could hear her illness. If i stayed focused there and didnt react she couldn't upset me but i noticed she was getting angrier without  any participation from me. She asked me to leave her alone again. I haven't called her in weeks.

My friends feel she will call when she is either under stress from running out of money or when her supporters start pressuring her to go and get a job or be accountable.

What do you think she will do now.

[myself]

Why would you stay on the phone for 35 (or any) minutes with someone who is ranting and abusing you? Why answer her calls knowing this is where it leads? "What is she going to do next?" Probably repeat her out of control patterns. Focusing on yourself = What are YOU going to do next?

[enlighten me]

Hi JQ

It was good that you saw past the rage and started seeing the disorder. Its quite incredible when you do this.

What she does next is up to her. As myself said its what you do that counts.

As I see it she is overseas with no income. If she blows through all the money then she cant return. If you give her more money then she will probably blow that as well.

She cant knock on your door from where she is. If you block her number or change yours and block her on email and social media then theres not a lot she can do. It doesnt matter what she tells her friends and family as you will never see them. It all depends if you want or need to keep the lines of communication open.

[jq46810]

I answer  because i love and worry about her but i can see her escalating. Its a bit like the horror movie whereby you know you should look away but you cant help but stay connected

She has convinced her friends that was the victum of a terrible situation and they are taking her out drinking and partying but i heard an angry shift last night so i sense maybe they are starting to push her, from here i don't know where she will go.

She told me once that at this age 43 her mother became full blown Schizophrenia.

I love her but her choices are taking her down a dark tunnel and i know her superficial friends wont be there to pick her up.

I dont even understand why i care, she couldnt have been more cruel and continues to embellish the story of us and abuse and us it as currency to gain sympathy. Surely people must start to see the truth soon

[enlighten me]

I used to worry about this as well. The unfairness of it. The fact that I was being made out as some control freak that miss treated her when nothing could be further from the truth.

I have wondered why this had affected me so much. I think part of it is my strong sense of justice. I also believe part of it is my own ego. I have never liked criticism then again who does. I especially never liked it if it wasn't warranted. I would always argue my case no matter how small the slight against my character.

With my ex I finally was able to stop trying to defend myself. I no longer rise to anything. Her opinion of me no longer matters as she isn't someone that I respect enough to listen to her opinion.

If your ex is anything like my ex wife then people will catch on as the story will keep changing.

[jq46810]

Thank you

Yes people have seen cracks in her stories and they usually back away but she only replaces them with new friends to start all over again. She said a few different things last night. Firstly she said the reason we are done is because i listened to others rather than her not sure what that means as she is the one who has told the world all of the horrible stories created by her. She also said that she iknows that i wouldve already moved on and slept with another woman (NOT TRUE), kind of ironic as i know she is out on the town looking at her options but i know she wont give it up unless she can secure a better financial position than she had.

I really am worried about her and i feel like sending her an email outlinning my feelings so she knows that she is still loved but i sought advice previosly aboutthis and people suggested that it would have no effect it may even make things worse.

This is really hard to watch the person you love heading for a crash, i want to help but maybe what i have done to date supporting her has only delayed this. What should i do

[enlighten me]

Hi Jq

I cannot say what you should do. It wouldn't be right for me to give advice like this.

I have similar problem with my ex wife where I think she is heading for a crash. Theres nothing I can do to stop this all I can do is be ready if Im needed.

The listening thing is something I didn't get with my exgf. I thought I was listening. I now think I wasn't hearing what she was trying to say as opposed to what she did. In her own way I think she was trying to open up about things but it got lost in everything else she was saying.

The you having slept with someone else could be guilt and projection. It could be a case of we are over because Ive slept with someone else and I know you wont want me back now. Im not saying this is the case just what it may be.

I agree about not sending an email. Maybe later when you are in a more comfortable place and she has had time to settle down you could but at this time it could be fuel to the fire.

Do you know her family? Would you be able to contact them and voice your concerns for her well being?

[jq46810]

Her family brother and sister appear to be weak selfish and non supportive

I tried to reach out and organised a family get together at my considerable expense, apparantly the first time they had been together in 10yrs. What appeared obvious was a jealousy of my girlfriend and the life she has lead. During the night after a few drinks a massive argument ensued between them over who had had the worse childhood. It was the wierdest thing i have witnessed. Its like they are competitive in their suffering and victum mentality.

I called her sister three weeks ago to explain what had happened, she sounded like she was supporting me but it looks l I ke she was working with her sister to help her get on her feet as they clearly mislead me into feeling guilty about my pwBPD and sending her money

[enlighten me]

It is a difficult situation. You feel like your watching a train crash and theres nothing you can do about it.

Sometimes all you can do is wait and see how things unfold.

We can beat ourselves up trying to influence things that we have no control over. We think we should be doing more to help. The reality is that sometimes there is nothing we can do.

I would use this time for you. Work through what you need to. It can feel like a disaster movie where a meteor is going to hit the earth. You cant stop the meteor. You worry about the meteor but you cannot change the inevitable. All you can do is prepare yourself for it.