The silent treatment, how long does this last?

[knowledgeseeker]

My husband is a high conflict person and after a ton of reading and working with my own therapist ( started seeing 4 months ago to figure to how to communicate with him and to stop trying to be a fixer, yes I'm a fixer and a caretaker) I'm at the point where I realize he is a high functioning BPD. I read Stop Walking on Eggshells this past week and was stunned, relieved, sad, confused, terrified and all of the above when I read it because thats exactly what I've been dealing with. I could never figure out why he would freak out over the smallest things and hurl insults at me and yell at me and expect me to apologize for nothing I had done, I didn't create the situation he did. And then the next day or hours later act like nothing ever happened and be loving... .He thrives on chaos and stress and if there isn't any he will create it. I never know what will trigger this reaction and sometimes I'm just down right baffled by it as it seems so illogical. It's exhausting and I just want peace and a consistent husband.

He suffered a blow to the head in an accident two months ago. He's been depressed, withdrawn, sleeps all the time, doesn't pick up his phone or call or text regularly (like he did prior to the accident) and always says the reason is because he's tired and just wants to sleep when he gets off work. If I tell him I feel its rude he just gets mad at me. Two weeks ago he came home and started saying I don't need him, but I'm stuck with him for life and a whole slew of other things that either made no sense or contradicted one another. He talks about how he's not made an effort with family to be active in there lives but yet does nothing to improve his relationships (he's never fully in the moment and he picks work over anything and everything and then does nothing but complain about how stressful his job is and that the feels trapped in it) and he keeps saying he just needs to focus on work right now. He has said he knows he needs to talk to someone to get his head straight which he's never said before, which gave me hope. I gave him the name of therapist at the urging of my own but now he says he's too busy with work to be able to meet with them. Two weeks ago we had a conversation on the phone, I was going to come down for a week, I thought we could get him back into the doc to have his head checked and I wanted to be there for my daughters game as she was going to be in town, he told me not to come, and that he needs space to "work through his deeply personal issues". I backed off and canceled my trip and agreed to give him space. We haven't spoke on the phone for two weeks and I reached out to him after a week as my heart is breaking over this. After reading up on BPD I think reaching out was the wrong thing to do because he just pushed me away again and said he thought that having space would give him time to pull his thoughts together and me reaching out just layers on stress and he has to focus on work and he still needs the space. I didn't respond to his message. Its been a week and I've heard nothing from him and he was suppose to see our daughter when she was in town this weekend for two games she was playing in but he left both games with out even waiting to see her which she didn't understand why he did that.

I really thought a couple weeks ago maybe he's having an affair but in my heart I don't want to believe that especially since he said his first wife had an affair on him and he would never do that blah blah.

It's like he's completely shutting everything out but work and I honestly don't know what to do as I don't want to push him because clearly that just makes it worse. I feel like this is crap, we've been married for 8 years and he's checked out to deal with his "deeply personal issues" but isn't sharing anything. I feel like every day he is making a conscious effort to not pick up the phone or text to let me know "hey I'm still alive incase your worried". Does he expect me not to care. Its like he completely lacks empathy and is only thinking about himself. On top of it I travel for a company I started up which he doesn't like the fact that I'm trying to work or do my own thing as it interferes with his need for me to be 100% dependent on him and thats not who I have ever been. I was a successful business woman before we got married and gave it all up to support him an his career by moving cross country with him in his last job. Me wanting and trying to work has been a constant conflict because he views it as me not having time for him and not needing him. As a result I found myself always giving in and giving up on my career efforts to keep the peace but this past year I finally set boundaries and said No I'm doing this, I need and want this. And the truth be told having a job creates a little space between us from time to time and allows me relief as I feel like I have to walk on egg shells when we are together because I never know who I'm going to encounter Mr. Nice or Mr. Freak out over stupid meaningless stuff. But then he's not happy because I'm traveling and not spending time with him so it feels like a no win situation no matter how hard I try to balance being there just enough and doing something for myself. I always tell him it doesn't have to be this hard.

So those of you that are married... .have you had your spouse go radio silent on you and for how long? And is this a game to him in an effort to manipulate me and make me feel bad that I'm trying to create something for myself but that is something that we can both financially benefit from that helps with contributing to our long term financial goals and helps me keep my sanity? He knows how important this event is for my company. He says he knows how important it is and that I need to focus on it (so why create this drama now if you know its an important event that needs my attention and focus right now?) and that he needs to be a big boy because he realizes I don't need him, but I'm not with him because I need him, I'm with him because I love him and I don't understand why that can't be enough. Why can't there be two successful people in this relationship and love? This isn't the 50's and I don't want to be a housewife nor do I want to to sit around waiting for him to get home because he needs me to need him only to have him get pissed off about something as stupid as not having any clean white teeshirts. Love you... .but need to have my own thing too and I wish he could just be okay with that without making it all about him. I feel like he's trying to derail me or send me into an emotional tail spin with the silent crap because he knows I love him and he wants to see how much I'm willing to give up for him. Its so confusing I don't get it and honestly I don't even know what to do anymore... .this can't go on forever... .

[ShadowIntheNight]

I wouldn't totally dismiss the idea of your H not having an affair. As a matter of fact, in reading your first part that's what I figured he may be involved with. And just because he SAYS he wouldn't because his exW cheated on him, did she cheat on him out of revenge, I.e., because he cheated on her? It's possible he only gave you part of the information. BPD are notorious for painting themselves as victims. And the things he says sounds like someone with some sort of guilt weighing them down. Hence the sleepiness and cryptic comments.

My uBPDexgf cheated on her exH and me, but in her mind, because she didn't have "sex" with them until after she ended the two relationships, didn't mean she wasn't cheating. See how that works? Their definition determines if it's cheating or not. I've also come to realize that the two major times she had been giving me the ST was when she was out shopping for replacements.

How long ST lasts can vary. Meantime talk to your therapist about strategies to bring your H out of his silence. And don't let your guard down about the possibility of someone else. When you do is the moment that you can get the most hurt. Better to be cautious and wrong than trusting and wrong. You'll feel like a huge fool then. Just my opinion.

Also, if he is BPD, tho outwardly he is supportive inside it probably bothers him to see good things happen for you. My ex was so supportive of me, except she really wasn't. I knew because of sideways comments she would make that were like a backhand compliment or she would insult me with a belittling comment that wasn't too heavily directed toward me, but I knew she meant it for me. My ex also has narcissism wrapped up in her persona and because of that she has to be the center of the world. Thus any good fortune coming my way, even tho it meant more for her as well didn't feel that way to her. I think in her mind she felt one upped. Or even more like somehow she was a failure. Her successes were met with cheering and gladness on my part, which she ate up. But she really ate it up when others outside of our relationship gave her accolades. That really fueled her.

BTW, my ex and I were together almost 10 years. No marriage as we were a same sex couple. Which is fortunate in retrospect because liar that she is there's no telling what she would have said to get hold of my assets. And she is very high functioning. She's a therapist at a state university. It wasn't until she was gone (and the way she left) that I had even heard of the disorder BPD. That was over 3 months later.  And we spoke about mental health things all the time!

Until I came across the disorder I was broken as to why she left a LT relationship with nary a complaint during it and discussing our future with absolutely no reason EXCEPT she and her kids were going down a different path. Now I believe it was nothing but her wanting some guy (she probably worked with) to have sex with her. Pretty typical too.

[knowledgeseeker]

ShadowIntheNight,

Thank you for your feedback. I don't trust at all right now and there are other signs that point to the possibility that he's either in an emotional relationship or is cheating. My therapist doesn't think he is cheating, she feels he's in crisis. I feel like that with the distance between us and his high sexual drive (we've never had an issue in that department) its only a matter of time. He is a NPD, its always about him and he goes out of his way to point out to family and my friends (he has no friends personal or work related and isn't close with his family at all, I'm very close to his family) material things and it always makes me uncomfortable. His moto is living well is the best revenge, which is not my moto and I hate it when he says it. When someone is telling us about a personal issue they are going through he always finds a way to turn the conversation around and make it about him and an experience he went through and most of the time that experience isn't even relatable. Its always stumped me. Talking to our kids when they have issues is an experience because I sit there and listen to him try to relate and I find myself saying in my head shut up, this isn't about you, this is about them and how they are feeling, not about what you did 20 years ago that has nothing to do with this and is maybe only mildly relatable at best. Shhhh, stop talking and just listen, you might actually hear something of value the other person is saying are my other thoughts. Because he doesn't listen, he thinks he is the authority on everything. I use to tease him and say "let me guess you majored in it that for a minute in college".

I see my therapist tomorrow, but I have to be honest I'm feeling so over this. I'm so frustrated and part of me just wants to give up and move on with my life. I feel like I'm dealing with a child. He's a grown man. He can get himself up every morning and get himself to work and be productive and on task but not on anything else? He complains constantly about how stressful his job is and acts like a mater. I've even told him to quit if its that stressful and find something else, but the truth is he thrives on it. And no matter where he goes career wise stress always starts up again and becomes an excuse for why he can't do something or for why he's behaving badly towards me.

Part of me is more sad about the possibility of loosing the closeness I have with his family than with him. Family means everything to me and always has. I'm super close with my family and always have been. I never understood why he wasn't close with his family. He made a comment last time he was home to me. He mentioned his brother and I said I had spoken to him the other day and his response was "of course you have". And then two days later out of the blue he went to go see him. When I asked why he said because thats another relationship I've been neglecting and I wanted to show him my new car... .

And your 100% right about the outwardly support. He tells everyone and me how proud of me he is but yet he's upset when I work on my business or leave for business trips because it interferes with me being available to him on the weekends even though I really try to balance it and often won't do other things I want to because I'm trying to keep the peace. I really don't think he wants me to be successful because then I won't need him (need is always his word)... .when the reality is I never needed him, I choose to be with him because I feel in love with him and wanted to be with him. But that love is wearing thin, as are my patience with dealing with this much longer.

[JRT]

12 months and counting

[knowledgeseeker]

12 months and counting

JRT seriously? Are you married to this person?

[JRT]

12 months and counting

JRT seriously? Are you married to this person?

No I am not, I was engaged.

My bad: mine could be best described as a cut off/discard/ghosting.

[saintgrey]

Well, 2 silent treatment during my relationship and both meant another person was involved.

The first time we BU but the second time she went all the way to find another partner and she was involved with the person while trying to resolve our problems as a couple... .

Reading in different forums it seems the silent treatment is kind of like a warning.

[Suspicious1]

For me, STs went like this:

First time: 3 days

Second time: 1 week

Third time: 3 weeks

Fourth time: 10 days

This time: 15 months and counting

He had a history of cutting people out of his life for lengthy periods - both his brothers were on the receiving end of his STs for a couple of years each.

We are both in new relationships now, so have different lives, but the reason I think this is still part of a ST is because he has left tentative hooks on social media during that time (he has not blocked me on anything, which I'd have thought he would if he really wanted nothing at all to do with me), and has passed on information to mutual friends which is clearly designed to reach me. It's a kind of "look how wonderful my life is now without you and I'm still not talking to you" thing.

One day I suspect he'll be so far into his ST that he'll forget I exist, and we will just be living normal, adult lives apart the way ex partners do. For the time being, I suspect that if I bumped into him in real life, he'd make a big show of ignoring me too. I think that's what makes me sure this is a ST rather than a simple parting of ways.

[OnceConfused]

My xbbpgf would give me silent treatments for about a day or two, but we were ony together for 6 months. I believe the silent treatments are the way they want to control us. It make us hyper in trying to find out what bothers the other person, and so doing we have to do whatever it takes to bring the other person back into the conversation. In a way silent treatment is like driving 2 cars toward each other and see who blinks first, and the one who blinks first , loses.

If you see your case so truly reflected in the "stop walking on eggshells" then perhaps you so is BPD and the  walking on eggshells never stops unless you and the so do something about it. Otherwise, you will be exactly where you are today, running around in circle trying to please the BPD and find love (which does not exist).

My suggestion is you have to take care of yourself FIRST:

1. continue having your own career, that is where you will find self worth and a relief from being beaten down by BPD. DOn't let them use guilt to stop you from being who you are. People in your life will come and go (your H included) but your skills and your talents will stay with you until the day you die.

2. Continue reading about BPD, to assess where you are and where you need to go .

3. Find your support system - friends, classes ... .BPD likes nothing more than you are being isolated, so that you must be DEPENDENT on BPD for your happiness (i.e, you then are slave to them).

4. if needed, seek professional therapy, esp someone who is well versed in BPD. I was lucky enough to see a T (only after 5 weeks with BPD), who had dealt with BPD in her first case. She knew right away my situation and gently nudged me with "this is a very high risk relationship." , "google Border Line Personality". That was how I became aware of BPD and consequently, left BPD.  Thanks God.

5. Don't be too dependent on his family for your long term support. They might be wonderful persons, but in the event you want to leave BPD, this becomes one more baggage you have to unload. You can still be friendly with them, but don't get too dependent on them for support.

[Lou12]

I think it may be more pertinent to try and have your partner seek medical help from the possible affects of a head injury rather than point directly to BPD. Especially as you say their was a direct change is his behaviour following the injury!