Need to go no contact with mom, but scared

[Depression = 72% of members]

It is hard, it has been going on for so long now and I am tired.  I recently went through a decently hard breakup from a relationship that was basically a marriage and the ol' mother flips out again.  She had to make it about her.

We tried to hide it from her but of course she found out.  I just don't know what to do.  I'm scared to answer my phone when she calls, but I'm more afraid to not answer because if you don't answer for a couple days, three maybe, she starts to try to bring your life down.

tI don't want my life brought down.  I'm trying to feel better day to day through the loss of a relationship, I don't need this, I can't deal with my mom too.

She says such horrible things.

"Well, you shouldn't pick up white trash"

"that cost me thousands of dollars, you and your relationships, always costing me money, why don't I ever get anything good out of you, other people have sons that bring joy to their lives, but not you"

Worse stuff too, worse, worse.

Of course, no matter what I do in life, she is constantly prying into my business, I try to hide things from her, but it just seems like I end up in some crazy tangled web of lies and then I don't even remember what I told her and what is the truth.

How do you escape?  Any success stories?   I know my life would be better off without her in it.  She used to suck me in when I was younger and getting started in life by helping with money and support, and that was her way to get me to rely on her.  But I haven't taken a dime from her in years.  Of course she still brings up the past, past money.  But she really doesn't have anything on me anymore.  So she is trying to control me with nothing.

But... .if I do try to break contact she goes absolutely crazy.  you pretty much have to answer when she gets triggered and let her vent on you or it builds up and just gets worse.  That's a pretty sick way to live though. 

I tried to go NC before once and it was bad.  I was at a pretty rough spot in my life and didn't have much to lose.  I had to jump in the car and drive to a different state.  Somehow she found out and showed up while I was packing and loading the uHaul and it was a crazy scene that she brings up to this day.  with me rolling up the window and her standing there screaming.

For a couple months she called everyone even remotely involved with me, friends, ex girlfriends, girlfriends parents.  She then sued me in small claims court for money she gave me while I went through college and of course won, since I didn't show up.

What do I do?  I want to just go peacefully, but I know she will go ballistic.  I need help and advice.  From people who have been there and escaped.

[Area57]

It is hard, it has been going on for so long now and I am tired.  I recently went through a decently hard breakup from a relationship that was basically a marriage and the ol' mother flips out again.  She had to make it about her.

We tried to hide it from her but of course she found out.  I just don't know what to do.  I'm scared to answer my phone when she calls, but I'm more afraid to not answer because if you don't answer for a couple days, three maybe, she starts to try to bring your life down.

tI don't want my life brought down.  I'm trying to feel better day to day through the loss of a relationship, I don't need this, I can't deal with my mom too.

She says such horrible things.

"Well, you shouldn't pick up white trash"

"that cost me thousands of dollars, you and your relationships, always costing me money, why don't I ever get anything good out of you, other people have sons that bring joy to their lives, but not you"

Worse stuff too, worse, worse.

Of course, no matter what I do in life, she is constantly prying into my business, I try to hide things from her, but it just seems like I end up in some crazy tangled web of lies and then I don't even remember what I told her and what is the truth.

How do you escape?  Any success stories?   I know my life would be better off without her in it.  She used to suck me in when I was younger and getting started in life by helping with money and support, and that was her way to get me to rely on her.  But I haven't taken a dime from her in years.  Of course she still brings up the past, past money.  But she really doesn't have anything on me anymore.  So she is trying to control me with nothing.

But... .if I do try to break contact she goes absolutely crazy.  you pretty much have to answer when she gets triggered and let her vent on you or it builds up and just gets worse.  That's a pretty sick way to live though. 

I tried to go NC before once and it was bad.  I was at a pretty rough spot in my life and didn't have much to lose.  I had to jump in the car and drive to a different state.  Somehow she found out and showed up while I was packing and loading the uHaul and it was a crazy scene that she brings up to this day.  with me rolling up the window and her standing there screaming.

For a couple months she called everyone even remotely involved with me, friends, ex girlfriends, girlfriends parents.  She then sued me in small claims court for money she gave me while I went through college and of course won, since I didn't show up.

What do I do?  I want to just go peacefully, but I know she will go ballistic.  I need help and advice.  From people who have been there and escaped.

[Turkish]

Hi Area57,

I'm sorry that you seem to not be able to escape from the abuse. She's followed you wherever you go. My mom wasn't as Queen-Witch like as you mom seems to be, but distance and LC helped me detach and be my own man. You've been trying, but she just won't let you go. How close in proximity are you now?

[Area57]

Hi, yes, but I am trying to detach and she won't let me go,  it is so perplexing because she says I bring nothing good into her life, so wouldn't she be better off without me in it?  I want to say that to her, to be rational and negotiate me going NC. 

"See mom, you say im no good and nothing but trouble and make your life worse, so how about I just not be a part of your life?  Then you will be happier and not have all this drama in your life you say you hate"

However I don't think that would go over well.

I am in the next state over, but this past year I had lived in the same city.  Up until recently, up until the breakup when I moved a state away.

[Edgewood]

Hi Area57,

I’m not sure that it’s possible to “negotiate” NC.  In fact, I’m positive that it isn’t. It seems that your concept of NC may be a bit idealized, almost a state in which everyone will be better off and happier as a result of the NC.  That’s not going to happen.  Your mom isn’t going to be happy.  Ever.

NC is closer to a frame of mind. A promise to yourself to do what makes you happy, regardless what others think.  A conscious decision to not concern yourself with their response.  A determination to put yourself in situations that make you happy and to remove yourself from situations that don’t.  To let others criticize your decisions without responding to that criticism.  A recognition that you don’t have to do a single thing about someone else not being happy.

This is what you have to do to go NC, and you have to commit to it.  Commitment means turning, “I tried to go NC” into “I will not have any contact.”  And “you pretty much have to . . . let her vent on you,” becomes, “I will not allow her to vent on me.”  And “I end up in some crazy tangled web of lies,” becomes, “I will not explain myself to her.”

It’s your life; you are in charge.  YOU are in charge.

[Area57]

Good advice Edgewood.  I was just musing about the negotiated NC.   I know that isn't how is works, believe me I know.