feeling abused all over again

[Depression = 72% of members]

Hi BPD Family,

Until now, I've done really well.

The background is my mother has undiagnosed BPD.  It's classic manipulation throughout child hood, financial abuse, all the usual stuff.  Things like calling my fiancee "Satan" the night before my wedding and trying to get me to walk away, things like all the snide comments, things like rattling knives in the kitchen drawer threatening to kill herself if I didn't behave in a certain way.  It was all horrible.

Waking up from it was a long process, kind of like "The Truman Show" but more over time.

Finally, I figured out what was going on, and I learned a lot through BPD family and had moved to LC (low-contact).  I would hang up any time she got nasty or manipulative.  Things trickled down to a few brief phone calls a year.

Back when I didn't fully/completely understand things, I had been paying for her condo (mortgage and fees).  I didn't want to force her out on the street, but didn't want to lose my equity (I had paid every cent), so we transferred ownership to me, but protecting her ability to live there without worry for as long as she was able.

But now that we are getting to the point of she's not really able to live independently, I realize that the ownership transfer I signed included a life-interest.  I won't get into the details, but it now appears I'm stuck.  My equity is tied up until she dies, and even any rent that comes in if she has to go into a nursing home goes to her.

I guess I'm making this post for two reasons:

1.  a cautionary tale.  I let my soft spot get in the way of just bailing out when I could have.  I could have walked away, forced a sale and lost half my equity.  But I didn't, agreeing to this, thinking I was protecting my equity, but instead just tying myself to her more permanently. 

2.  I am so hurt.  I'm a grown man with a great wife and three kids.  Life is good.  But this realization now means that she has financially abused me once again.  I just want the abuse to stop.  I am so sad at this, angry at myself, ashamed of my stupidity, and horrified that I let myself get caught by her again.  I feel like vomiting right now, I am so sick of the abuse.  I need a hug desperately.

In case you're wondering, I'm not going to kill myself.  I love my wife and kids too much.  But I am so sad.  I didn't know where to turn, and then I thought about this website that helped me so many years ago.

I'm here in my office right now, trying not to cry, hoping no one comes by to see me about anything.

Thanks.

[joinedtheclub]

Hi BPD Family,

Until now, I've done really well.

The background is my mother has undiagnosed BPD.  It's classic manipulation throughout child hood, financial abuse, all the usual stuff.  Things like calling my fiancee "Satan" the night before my wedding and trying to get me to walk away, things like all the snide comments, things like rattling knives in the kitchen drawer threatening to kill herself if I didn't behave in a certain way.  It was all horrible.

Waking up from it was a long process, kind of like "The Truman Show" but more over time.

Finally, I figured out what was going on, and I learned a lot through BPD family and had moved to LC (low-contact).  I would hang up any time she got nasty or manipulative.  Things trickled down to a few brief phone calls a year.

Back when I didn't fully/completely understand things, I had been paying for her condo (mortgage and fees).  I didn't want to force her out on the street, but didn't want to lose my equity (I had paid every cent), so we transferred ownership to me, but protecting her ability to live there without worry for as long as she was able.

But now that we are getting to the point of she's not really able to live independently, I realize that the ownership transfer I signed included a life-interest.  I won't get into the details, but it now appears I'm stuck.  My equity is tied up until she dies, and even any rent that comes in if she has to go into a nursing home goes to her.

I guess I'm making this post for two reasons:

1.  a cautionary tale.  I let my soft spot get in the way of just bailing out when I could have.  I could have walked away, forced a sale and lost half my equity.  But I didn't, agreeing to this, thinking I was protecting my equity, but instead just tying myself to her more permanently. 

2.  I am so hurt.  I'm a grown man with a great wife and three kids.  Life is good.  But this realization now means that she has financially abused me once again.  I just want the abuse to stop.  I am so sad at this, angry at myself, ashamed of my stupidity, and horrified that I let myself get caught by her again.  I feel like vomiting right now, I am so sick of the abuse.  I need a hug desperately.

In case you're wondering, I'm not going to kill myself.  I love my wife and kids too much.  But I am so sad.  I didn't know where to turn, and then I thought about this website that helped me so many years ago.

I'm here in my office right now, trying not to cry, hoping no one comes by to see me about anything.

Thanks.

[hopeful12345]

I can only say that I'm so sorry. I can relate to what you are going through. Really rotten when you have your life together, yet your FOO keeps intruding just when you least expect it.

[joinedtheclub]

Thanks hopeful12345.

It's good to know i'm not alone stuck in this craziness.

I'm feeling better already,

JTC

P.S. Good username!

[Naughty Nibbler]

JOINED:

Sending a hug your way. 

So sorry about your situation. Don't beat yourself up. Maybe some counseling with a therapist could be helpful. I reached out for some counseling and it has been helpful. My parents both died recently and I had to share all medical, financial and trust matters with my uBPD sister.  It has been hell and we still have matters to tend to.

I can understand why you are angry.  This won't make you feel better right now, but you won't have guilt later about not helping your mom.  Guilt can be an issue for some people. 

After you have explored all financial and legal options, the best thing is to work through the process of accepting what you can't change.  Focus on your loving wife and children.  The best present to them is to have all your attention.  Don't let your feelings about your mom interfere.  The best retribution is for you to have a healthy relationship with your own family.

[verticalblind]

Things like calling my fiancee "Satan" the night before my wedding and trying to get me to walk away

I experienced this. I just found this website tonight. Thank you for sharing Joined. My mother is also uBPD and I am LC actually NC (acronyms are empowering). I am about to resume contact with my mother after over 1 year.

I'm proud of you for making the most of life, having a good family that you love. Like naughty said, its the best retribution.

[joinedtheclub]

Hey BPD family,

I'm feeling loads better. Thanks.

I just hadn't hit so low on the child-of-a-borderline thing in a long time.

I buried the mother I thought I had (the one who actually loved me and looked out for my best interests) in my mind years ago. Since then I regarded the whole situation as an observer, almost without emotion, a little smug even that I had walled off my family from her hateful ways completely. Then this realization was like a sword through the armor I had put on, and suddenly I'm hurt all over again, experiencing the same emotions I thought I had put long behind me.

I think i'm over the roughest bit now and will explore my options and stay focused on my wife and kids.  

I guess one other good thing has come of this (in addition to posting a cautionary tale for others and getting a virtual hug and understanding): it was only a few weeks ago that I was thinking how far I had come on this journey and that I would likely never need this site again. Instead this situation has reminded me of the beautiful release it is to simply tell your tale to others who've been there, and that I need to log on and be there too for others, even when everything is okay for me.

Thank you all so much,

JTC

[joinedtheclub]

Dear VerticalBlind,

Wow, I remember how insanely horrible that night was when she was doing and saying everything possible to get me to cancel the wedding. I'm sorry that you experienced that too.

But in some ways, I am glad I experienced it: that was what led to me finally realizing all of the abuse and craziness that had gone on. An epic ripping off of the bandaid for sure.

I hope that you got through that horror ok too. Welcome to the club. It's a good place to be, especially when things get bad.

Take care,

JTC

[Ziggiddy]

Hi joinedtheclub

You write with such expressive feeling. I am glad you are doing better.

I guess it's easy to think of the recovery journey as a linear thing where in reality it's a jumping rollercoaster! There will be times in the future I'm sure when you are uncertain again or experience the flashback to childhood dependency again. If you are able to recognise that feeling when it visits you may be able to tell yourself it is just another step to go through. I am a big believer in feeling your feelings if you can as much as you can. Children of parents with disorders learn early, quickly and well to put their feelings aside and pacify BPDm in order to have that connection that is so necessary to survival. Unfortunately the drawback later is that those well controlled emotions don't always stay reined in! Maybe you could just see yourself as the young kid who just wanted to be loved, supported, encouraged and taken care of. By doing that you will access self sympathy - another quality that is likely to have been conditioned out of you - BPDm's like to have all that for themselves thank you very much!

It's ok to feel quite at a loss and it is even ok to be financially stuck with your mother. Feel free to beat yourself up about it though - I have found even this is an interesting view. I am trying to learn to be ok with all the facets of me that pop forth. Even the ones where I am haranguing myself over past decisions or current stupidities. I try and think it's just the ungrown child wanting to be heard.

I read once that if a cat claws you, if you rip yourself backward it does more damage, but if you lean in gently, you can disengage the claw without too much drama. Maybe your feelings can be a little like that? Lean into them a little and just try and hear what they are saying without telling them off for being that way. Observe them without judgment.

Like "Oh how could I have made that  (insert expletive) decision?" (Cat's claw) can be met with "Ok I am disappointed/angry/upset with that decision" (leaning in)  And then perhaps "Well I made the best decision I could with the knowledge I had then" (disengaging the claw) "I have learned a great new bit of information that I may be able to use in another situation (letting the cat out!)

I hope you are able to care for yourself kindly with what you know now

Ziggiddy