Back in the vortex... 30 step recycling pattern of madness... can you relate?

[Rameses]

I have recycled 6 times in our 4 year relationship... .3 of those within our 18 month marriage

Here's my recycling pattern:

1-She has a raging episode

2-I leave the house for my safety

3-I feel relieved

4-Her abandonment fears kick in and she gets even crazier and goes into panic mode

5-I receive a barrage of text messages and emails telling me how cruel I am for leaving her

6-Then the messages shift to how she is going to kill herself and thenI will be sorry

7-I do not respond

8-Then the messages turn to how much she loves me and that we are meant to be together... .

9-Then they are about how she will never do crazy again, she has seen the light.

10-Still I don't respond

11-Then the text messages die off, but still come every 3-5 days

12-I do not read them or respond

13-Then the contact goes cold

14-And that's when I begin to experience the panic

15-I realize that she has had enough of the begging me and is now moving on

16-Up to this point I was so sure that I was doing the right thing

17-But after the contact goes cold I start to question the decision I made

18-So I go back and read all the horrible things she has put me through to convince myself I    did the right thing

19-Then the incredible chest crushing pressure sets in and all I want is relief

20-So I try different strategies... .work out everyday, eat right, go over the list of terrible things she has done, try to stay in the present moment and not obsessively think about her, journal my feelings, try to stay busy, try to accept these terrible feelings and just let them be there, join meet up groups, take up a new hobby... .just to name a few.

21-And after all that I still struggle my butt off

22-She breaks the silence with a short little text

23-BOOM - I instantly feel better

24-That relief is so powerful, that it puts a small chink in the armor but I erected

25-I resist at first, knowing it could never work

26-But then the excruciating pain returns

27-And my unwillingness to sit in the pain becomes overwhelming

28-I just want relief relief from the pain

29-I convince myself I could do better, and it may work, besides it has to be better than the pain I have been experiencing.

30-So against all logic and reason I head back into the vortex of madness

Nice life huh?... .not

[enlighten me]

I did 1-29 then for some reason never did 30.

I don't think Im stronger than anyone else. Maybe I was too scared to ask as I didn't want to get told no.

[elessar]

I can completely relate to 17-30. Once the contact stops the panic attack starts. And when we get that little hit of the drug, we feel better.

Do you feel guilty about not responding to her? Or guilt that she is sick, and rationalize her behavior to yourself, so that you have to be the stronger person?

[pallavirajsinghani]

It's not at all crazy to go back:  I went back to my ex-husband after he slapped me in public... .until the day he put a noose around my neck--then I never looked back.

Please understand, that the following is a conclusion based on my personal experience, this does not reflect my understanding of your experience or behavior.  You may find some of the following insightful as we had somewhat similar experience (recycling).  Also, note that I use the term "abuser" and "victim".  My use of these terms is factual and carries no moral judgement.  A person who is mentally ill is not an evil person, just mentally ill.  Sometimes, the effects of a set of behavior are abusive... .whether or not we term the perpetrator as abuser or the person at the receiving end a victim.



Why do we do this?

1) We are exhausted.  Our defenses are down. It is not courage that will help us put a stop to the cycle.  We will put a stop to the cycle when we have reached our rock bottom.  You have not reached your rock bottom yet.

2) We are afraid that the madness may escalate.  We have boundaries, the abuser's behavior reflects a person with no boundaries... .such a person is indeed to be afraid of. Ironically, we go back in self defense.

3) We are naturally nurturing people and recognize the sickness of the abuser.  It is a common pattern of victims to feel sorry for the abusers. We want to help them, alleviate their pain, we believe that underneath all that madness is a moral, compassionate nurturing human being... .if we only tried harder... .perhaps our devotion will usher in peace.

I call this "misplaced altruism". 

I call this "misplaced faith"... .for no seed sown in sand can sprout, whether nurtured with tears or blood.

I call this "over confidence" in our abilities to change someone's behavior.  We are not trained clinicians, nor are our loved ones our patients. 

What we call "love", is actually in this case "fear".

4) Your instinct will guide you to the right direction... .it takes a lot of time for logic and reason to catch up with intuition and heart... .

Please be kind to yourself.

God Bless.

[townhouse]

I found all these posts helpful in my very new situation of living alone.

I've been on the 'Staying' board for 6 months and due to extreme circumstances, I have left my partner of 13 years. However, I am not writing here about that at this time. Just saying what you have written pallavira rang true for much of the way I am feeling. My instincts were there, I just couldn't give voice to them... Could I ask you if you could perhaps explain more of what your mean by "what we call "love" is actually in this case "fear".

And Rameses, totally relate due to a 6 month separation we had 3 years ago.

[pallavirajsinghani]

The question about my own statement shook me up. (about what I perceived as love was actually fear--and that this may be true of other non's too). It forced me to conduct further introspection to come up with clearer words.

I think this is a well documented phenomenon... .known as the "Stockholm Syndrome".

It may be argued that my case was different as there was physical violence involved.  However, I believe that whether there is physical violence or emotional violence without accompanying physical violence, the body and the mind react the same way. 

[Kennyble]

This. Nothing more. True and painful.

[james_s]

Hi Rameses,

I can completely relate to every single step. I did 1-30 several times in my 2 year relationship with a BPD ex and finally stepped off the cycle of madness at step 26, where I have been for 6 months.

Great summary.

[outside9x]

WOW I can relate to all of them, and it so crazy!    

I haven't gone back in 2 years, text comes ever so often, stupidly I reply but nothing serious.  No loving comments one way or the other.  I am sure she has a great supply (But can't keep em too long) And yes, I finally gave up the fantasy that she could get better, and the next guys enjoys all of that etc.

All you have to really know is to remember how insane it was, and for me , how more insane if we ever lived together.  I am older, in great shape, but I want peace and contentment.  

I wouldn't buy a great looking car that broke down constantly without warning, so how can I accept someone that would do that and be vicious on top of it.   I always remember that.  Everyday you would turn the key never knowing, not only what to expect, but cautious of things you say or do.   THATS NUTS!  That's like being a prisoner and cruel treatment.

I think her part to contact is to know I am there. (Like a back up, I am still thinking of her, she needs that)  Yeah, I know stupid me,  but I will never go to her.    It's also might be because she just had an upsetting moment or days with her new supply, and its nice to reach out for that security.  Again, crazy me , not so much  for letting her have that, but for me, wanting that feeling that she reached out, (Like some validation I need) and every thing tells me its wrong, stupid and hurtful.  

I am much better , but need to weed her completely out.  It's not like some old GF.  It's like a drug, to just walk away from.

[elessar]

All you have to really know is to remember how insane it was, and for me , how more insane if we ever lived together.

Everyday you would turn the key never knowing, not only what to expect, but cautious of things you say or do.   THATS NUTS!

It's like a drug, to just walk away from.

This is so very true. The funny thing is - she has called me a drug for years and years - a drug she keeps coming back to. I never understood what she meant till I came across BPD. And what you said is so true about contacting us when they need us or some sort of validation. I had my pursuing my ex since I was a teenager in school and college. The only time she would come to me is when she needed me, was sad, angry at someone else, or wanted support. Not once can I remember her contacting me out of happiness. And that kind of contact would bring out the nurturer or the savior complex within me.

Not knowing what would cause them to go off was when I had finally accepted that we can't work long term.

[Palladio]

Yes I can relate to the vortex.

I've reconnected 4 times in a 28 year period.

When I read this, even I ask ,"Why?"

Each time I rationalize to myself that I love this

person. I indeed do love him, however it's a sick

kind of love. The last go round ended after 6 years in the early

summer of this year. What complicates things is that

he is a high functioning/ invisible BPD, which I have

only come to understand since he broke things off.

I the past I've attributed all the craziness to ACOA, shame

based thinking and anger/rage issues which he has. Now that I've had

my light bulb moment, things are so much more under-

standable, though still sad.

My great fear is that either he will contact me or in a weakened

moment I will contact him.

Twentyeight years and I'm still magically thinking that things

might work out! Am I delusional or what?

[Moselle]

The question about my own statement shook me up. (about what I perceived as love was actually fear--and that this may be true of other non's too). It forced me to conduct further introspection to come up with clearer words.

I think this is a well documented phenomenon... .known as the "Stockholm Syndrome".

It may be argued that my case was different as there was physical violence involved.  However, I believe that whether there is physical violence or emotional violence without accompanying physical violence, the body and the mind react the same way. 

When it was all said and done, I told her that "I know now that you never loved me" . Her response was very telling "I did love you, but I loved you my way".

It's not a love that we could ever consider normal. It's more of a need fulfilment for her. And i don't feel like I exist as a person for her. I was a source of supply which fulfilled her needs.

It's is what it is. The question I ask myself is "Why did I put up with it for so long?". I guess we all have our answers to that, but I must agree that it is mostly around fear, obligation and guilt. They abuse someone and see what happens. If the victim stays, it becomes a case of a little bit more each time, until the person is trapped.  Ask any bully, they understand this dynamic very very well. They target their victims carefully.

I think caretakes/ rescuers have a magnetic attraction to  pwBPD and vice versa.

Until we break the cycle, and choose not to caretake/rescue in unhealthy ways, this attraction will exist.

[Palladio]

What ironic timing.

Just yesterday I posted about reentering the vortex.

It has been seven weeks since the bu,where he raged about

all the imagined wrongs he had endured.

This morning I received a text from him wishing me a happy

birthday, as this is indeed my birthday. After considerable self

debate, I sent a short but simple thank you and commented that it seemed odd to receive his message as our parting day was so rage filled on his part. His reply was," Forget it. I was trying to be nice. Seems that that is impossible."

A few hours later in a calm fashion I replied that there was no malice in my reply and there is no anger directed toward him and all the best wishes for his happiness. No response yet from him. I have never had such a sense of peace and lightness of spirit as responding in this manner brought me. I feel liberated from his craziness and manipulation.

[jinnymvp]

Hey there, praying for you comfort first of all.

I just left my vortex for GOOD this time 2 days ago. My story doesn't hold the same severity as your's doess however I can relate.

Up until a year ago I had never been in love with anyone. I met this kind, gorgeous man that was different than anyone I had ever met. Somehow though all throughout our relationship, something lingered deep down inside of me that something felt wrong, the whole time. We recycled our relationship 3 times, with a couple of mini attempts to re-recycle in between those. It was always the same old process, I knew something was wrong, needs weren't being met on either side and the second we broke it off the sick stomach, literally achy heart started and I wouldn't eat for days. I tried not to think of him obsessively either but everything reminded me of him. I wanted relief as well and thought that exact same thing, "anything is better than this pain". So I proceeded with justifying why he did this or if I could just be stronger for him and help him ect ect abusing the caretaker codependent rule to a fault. Then he would contact me because it was excruciating for him to be alone and I'd take the bait. Same thing happens here, the pain subsides... .then we would reunite and get back together. Even though I knew something wasn't right it felt a hell of a lot better than that pain. Facing the pain and really taking it on is agonizing and scary, something I wasn't ready to do, until I learned my hard lesson. We were away from each other for 3 months because he had moved temporarily for a job however at this point we were still together. So spending some much needed time by myself I got to think, I also got to fall in love with my idea of him and what he should be all over again. What we could be, not what we were. When I went to visit him, his behavior was undeniably disturbing at times and not even I could deny the anxiety in my heart about him not being the right one. But still I didn't want to let go, I didn't want to face the pain.

It's said that humans often prefer suffering that is familiar because it is comfortable rather than the novelty of the unknown.

That is exactly what I was caught in, I knew he was unpredictable and yet that was known to me so it was comforting is a twisted way if that makes sense. Anyway after I got back home and all my dreams of what should have been were crushed, I finally ended it for good. No contact and we are looking at least 6 months of it I have decided. I have to respect myself and be more self aware of my true gut feelings also having proper boundaries for my happiness.

By sharing this maybe you can get something out of it hopefully. Remember to love yourself, be strong and when you're ready to face the pain, you'll know it given that is what you decide to do. It took me awhile to be ready and at that point the relationship was beyond its expiration date, it was dead but that's ok because that is what it took for me to have enough and get out; hard lesson learned.

Wish you the best of luck with your decision, create your own happiness, you have got this buddy!

[Palladio]

Thank you tremendously Jenny.

What a blessing and inspiration your letter is.

Now to stay strong and continue NC, as at some point I'm certain he will attempt it again.

Magical thinking has trapped me every time. Magical thinking of my own doing. Praying for divine strength and guidance.

Thank you again!

[helpmewithbpd]

All this rings close to home,  the only thing that's different and i don't understand is that in the last 2 years or the rs she never msgd or anything if we had a fight it was always me breaking the silence and I couldn't handle the pain any more of nc,  then when we spoke she would say how upset she was and all that and wanted to reach out but never did,  can someone explain that part to me,  im just confused

[jinnymvp]

Palladio I am so so glad I could help! You can do this! We can do this! In the end we will be so tremendously glad that we did and stuck it out, a much healthier road

All this rings close to home,  the only thing that's different and i don't understand is that in the last 2 years or the rs she never msgd or anything if we had a fight it was always me breaking the silence and I couldn't handle the pain any more of nc,  then when we spoke she would say how upset she was and all that and wanted to reach out but never did,  can someone explain that part to me,  im just confused

Remember that people do what is important to them. With this disorder the person is often emotionally immature and can be very manipulative. My ex was manipulative in subtle ways using different means,situations ect. to get what he wanted as an end result. If someone truly loves you they listen to you and will notice (eventually) their behavior is destructive to not only themselves but you as well

After admitting, they will be willing to get help and work hard to save anything salvageable left in the relationship.

I realized I couldn't help my ex. All I did was trigger his symptoms of the disorder, it is something he has to do on his own, for himself. Bottom line, no contact for two years and its likely the person moved on quickly rarely looking back. Attempting to get you hooked again for their own self validation is not uncommon with this I have noticed... be careful and follow your gut.

When it was all said and done, I told her that "I know now that you never loved me" . Her response was very telling "I did love you, but I loved you my way".

I hear you, my ex told me before we said final goodbyes "I don't want you to think I didn't or don't love you, I love you the way that I can". I think it is important to realize here that a majority of people suffering from this struggle with their own self love at least my person did. So their idea of love can be completely different from a healthy persons idea of it. Thanks for sharing your last part too because I never realized I was actually a "caretaker" until I came on this community and truly examined my past relationships honestly. I think there is an attraction, a viscous cycle it can become but you truly do learn a lot if you allow it in the end when enough is enough.

[nonbpdis-m]

This cycle is very familiar to me, maybe gone through it about 30 times.  I have been doing this for over two years but now we have a daughter together its 10x harder to leave.  Also before it was her house and she would scream 'get the f--- outta my house!' ... .Easy I would leave and we didn't have a child.  Then the charming began and I would end up back.  Now it is both our house and we have the baby so 'get the f--- outta my house!' does not = her throwing me out.  Why have i gone back so many times? Guilt and the saviour/carer mentality basically, not love even if I thought this was the case the first 10 times.

[LifeIsBeautiful]

Exactly the same situation, it is shocking. I can't say anything more than what had been posted. Just to share some thoughts:

1. I recycled until I lost count. It was plain madness when I look back now. But this is not a time to look back, look forward.

2. Learn to love yourself first, maybe even more than others. Don't be full of self-love, but love yourself fully. We don't deserve to be mistreated, no matter what reason. Perhaps in our life, we have to swallow our pride or make sacrifices, but on a daily basis a few times a day, that is something nobody should have to endure.

3. Simply put, don't be a door mat. I read about this remark when I was in the undecided stage. Somehow I convinced myself I wasn't one, and that there was a greater good out of all the chaos. There wasn't.

4. Everyone deserves to be happy, even yourself, but not at the expense of yourself.

5. Take the positive from the negative, it is a life changing experience and we can only but learn from mistakes and do better for and by ourself.

6. Hang in there. Imagine it as a long trek, you got lost along the way, stuck in the woods. If you want to get out of it, choose the best direction and head for it and don't ever deviate. Basic survival skills that we need to learn to apply, in any situation. Yes we may head the wrong direction sometime, but that doesn't mean we can't head for a new one.

p.s. I am still reminding myself and learning to do these things.