He saw it as a threat...

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

Well, it's been four years of BPDh blaming me, and threatening divorce, and he just recently stopped. Well, he did something tonight that really hurt me, then he blamed ME for it, as way of an apology.  

I later said to him "I don't think I can do this anymore", and said I might move back home. I didn't mean to be threatening, because goodness knows it was cruel how he used his divorce threats to scare and control me for four years. I can see where he took it that way, but I really am having thoughts of moving home. I miss my son, and BPDh has no remorse for kicking my son out, or making me choose. Plus, his adult kids are never going to let us have peace, and as long as BPDh and I are together, they won't have anything to do with him. I don't think this is MY fault, at all, but it's just a fact that he's losing his kids because we are together. He says he'll never stop hurting over it, and he acts like he resents me, although it's his kids, who refuse to get along, or include me.

I just feel we have so many issues, and I've always been of a mind that all things can be worked on, and overcome, but we aren't getting very far. He stays hurt over his kids shutting him out, and I stay hurt that he didn't take a stand for our marriage, so it wouldn't have come to this. It's like his kids know if they just hold out, he'll choose them again, as he did last time he left me.

I miss living with my son, BPDh feels like a landmine, and I keep thinking about PEACE. I don't really want out, or to get divorced, I just wish I could wave a magic wand, and make BPDh less moody and blaming, and I wish I'd known that no matter what I did his kids would end up hating me.

I often think: "I gave up living with my son for his last two years of high school, for THIS?". I do see my son, but it's not the same as living with him, daily. I still have trouble not blaming BPDh for making me choose, and for insisting we move away, and for saying my son could not live with us. I mean, IT IS his fault, and it was his selfish, narcissistic choice. He threw both my kids out that day, but he's since apologized to my daughter, who still lives with us, and he dotes on her. My son, nor me were ever given an apology, because he's not sorry. He pretty much told me this today.

He also said my face was "disgusting", but quickly said he said the wrong thing. He often does things like that. My whole life, I've been told I'm pretty, but to him, I'm probably not. I don't even care anymore.

I feel I've sunk to his level, by saying I don't know if I can do this anymore, even though I didn't mention divorce, and I really didn't mean it as a threat. I just want him to be nice, and that just seems so hard for him. He did something tonight that he thought was nothing, but it really hurt me: I'd been asking him for a month to change my phone's glass screen protector. My daughter comes home and asks him to put a screen protector on her new Ipad. He was in bed naked, but of course, he does it. He fails to see why that hurt, and why it continues to hurt that he'll do nice things for his daughter(the totally underserving one who hates me, and disrespects him), and MY daughter, but he won't do those things for me. He ended up doing my phone, due to guilt, I'm sure, but then he proceeded to blame ME for feeling badly about it.

I'm sick of being blamed. It's not my fault, and I'm not a victim. He's way too busy filling that role, and also projecting onto me. I try to no longer defend, because he clearly has his own script in his head, and I can't change it.

Me, and my disgusting face are sleeping on the couch for now. I want us to work, but walking away is holding more appeal all the time. He's still upset at every perceived thing he thinks I'd ever done wrong(made up in his head, or fed to him by his kids), and he brings them up all the time. Just today, when I was trying to address that I'm still hurt how he threw my kids out, refused to live with my son anymore(he targeted my son also, for no reason, so it's GOOD that my son is no longer around BPDh), and he brings up something from over THREE years ago, about how he moved in with me a few months after his son graduated! Uhm, we didn't throw his son out, BPDh just moved to live with me, his WIFE, and he's made to feel guilty about that from his son? His son chose to go live with his Mom, and it was much closer to the college he was going to attend. Everything becomes about BPDh, or his kids, every time I try to have a conversation, it seems. How do you have a conversation with someone like that?

Sorry for the rambling rant. I'm just hurt, and wondering if I'm "throwing my pearls before swine" because he'll clearly never appreciate me, or how hard I try, and I'm just taking a serious look if this is how I want the rest of my life to be... .

[Ceruleanblue]

Well, it's been four years of BPDh blaming me, and threatening divorce, and he just recently stopped. Well, he did something tonight that really hurt me, then he blamed ME for it, as way of an apology.  

I later said to him "I don't think I can do this anymore", and said I might move back home. I didn't mean to be threatening, because goodness knows it was cruel how he used his divorce threats to scare and control me for four years. I can see where he took it that way, but I really am having thoughts of moving home. I miss my son, and BPDh has no remorse for kicking my son out, or making me choose. Plus, his adult kids are never going to let us have peace, and as long as BPDh and I are together, they won't have anything to do with him. I don't think this is MY fault, at all, but it's just a fact that he's losing his kids because we are together. He says he'll never stop hurting over it, and he acts like he resents me, although it's his kids, who refuse to get along, or include me.

I just feel we have so many issues, and I've always been of a mind that all things can be worked on, and overcome, but we aren't getting very far. He stays hurt over his kids shutting him out, and I stay hurt that he didn't take a stand for our marriage, so it wouldn't have come to this. It's like his kids know if they just hold out, he'll choose them again, as he did last time he left me.

I miss living with my son, BPDh feels like a landmine, and I keep thinking about PEACE. I don't really want out, or to get divorced, I just wish I could wave a magic wand, and make BPDh less moody and blaming, and I wish I'd known that no matter what I did his kids would end up hating me.

I often think: "I gave up living with my son for his last two years of high school, for THIS?". I do see my son, but it's not the same as living with him, daily. I still have trouble not blaming BPDh for making me choose, and for insisting we move away, and for saying my son could not live with us. I mean, IT IS his fault, and it was his selfish, narcissistic choice. He threw both my kids out that day, but he's since apologized to my daughter, who still lives with us, and he dotes on her. My son, nor me were ever given an apology, because he's not sorry. He pretty much told me this today.

He also said my face was "disgusting", but quickly said he said the wrong thing. He often does things like that. My whole life, I've been told I'm pretty, but to him, I'm probably not. I don't even care anymore.

I feel I've sunk to his level, by saying I don't know if I can do this anymore, even though I didn't mention divorce, and I really didn't mean it as a threat. I just want him to be nice, and that just seems so hard for him. He did something tonight that he thought was nothing, but it really hurt me: I'd been asking him for a month to change my phone's glass screen protector. My daughter comes home and asks him to put a screen protector on her new Ipad. He was in bed naked, but of course, he does it. He fails to see why that hurt, and why it continues to hurt that he'll do nice things for his daughter(the totally underserving one who hates me, and disrespects him), and MY daughter, but he won't do those things for me. He ended up doing my phone, due to guilt, I'm sure, but then he proceeded to blame ME for feeling badly about it.

I'm sick of being blamed. It's not my fault, and I'm not a victim. He's way too busy filling that role, and also projecting onto me. I try to no longer defend, because he clearly has his own script in his head, and I can't change it.

Me, and my disgusting face are sleeping on the couch for now. I want us to work, but walking away is holding more appeal all the time. He's still upset at every perceived thing he thinks I'd ever done wrong(made up in his head, or fed to him by his kids), and he brings them up all the time. Just today, when I was trying to address that I'm still hurt how he threw my kids out, refused to live with my son anymore(he targeted my son also, for no reason, so it's GOOD that my son is no longer around BPDh), and he brings up something from over THREE years ago, about how he moved in with me a few months after his son graduated! Uhm, we didn't throw his son out, BPDh just moved to live with me, his WIFE, and he's made to feel guilty about that from his son? His son chose to go live with his Mom, and it was much closer to the college he was going to attend. Everything becomes about BPDh, or his kids, every time I try to have a conversation, it seems. How do you have a conversation with someone like that?

Sorry for the rambling rant. I'm just hurt, and wondering if I'm "throwing my pearls before swine" because he'll clearly never appreciate me, or how hard I try, and I'm just taking a serious look if this is how I want the rest of my life to be... .

[unicorn2014]

Hi Cerulean blue, I'm sorry you're hurting so much. I hope that you are able to come to some resolution within yourself. That sounds like a very difficult thing to go through. I can understand why you miss your teenage son. No mother should have to be separated from her minor child.

[Ceruleanblue]

Yes, try as much as I can, I still feel anger that BPDh refused to live with my son any longer. I mean, my son wasn't a problem kid, it was all just normal teen stuff like being a little mouthy to me. When BPDh and I were dating, I thought he'd understand all that, because he'd raised four kids. He basically babied his kids, but he expected perfection from mine, once we'd married.

My son has been great about all of this. He told me to move with BPDh, although I know he was hurting too. My son was actually the ONLY one, other than me, who wanted my marriage to survive. The thanks he got for that, was immediately after we reconciled, he got thrown out? I feel like BPDh is like the male lion who takes over the pride, and kills all the other baby lions that he didn't father.

I hate having zero security in this marriage. I was married for 19 years before this, and that marriage was not filled with divorce threats. I've always been fully committed to making my marriage with BPDh work, but his commitment waxes and wanes. I think he left last time on a whim, and because he'd painted me black, and mostly because he wanted his adult kids back. Leaving me was the only way to accomplish that.

I just feel we have a few strikes against us: the PD, and the step kid issue, and the fact that I'm missing out with my son. BPDh tries to keep the focus on his kids all the time, and after all they've done, I wish I never had to hear about them, ever again. All I wanted was peace with them, but they want discord, and they refuse to just let their Dad be happy, and they refuse to relinquish trying to control and manipulate him(now they are using the grandkids as pawns in their war).

I just want to take a vacation from my life. I'm not really hurting, as much as I am feeling exhausted. We had MC tonight, and I felt we got no good answers, and BPDh actually wants to continue MC. It just wasn't a good night.

[unicorn2014]

  CB, I am very sorry you are going through that. No mother should have to be separated from her child because of her husband. That sounds like the triangulation I have just started to read about. Your situation appears very difficult. I hope you are able to find some peace somehow. Thank you for taking the time to tell your story here. I really appreciate being able to read it. I pray you are able to come to a resolution within yourself in due time.

[sweetheart]

just feel we have so many issues, and I've always been of a mind that all things can be worked on, and overcome, but we aren't getting very far.

The reality CB that I can hear you might be coming to realise, is that not all problems can be worked through and/or fixed. Especially if the fixing/changing/working through is one-sided as it is in many of the relationships on this forum.

Getting to this point might prove incredibly freeing for you in all sorts of ways. If you fully accept that he isn't going to change, that how your h is today is probably how he's always going to be then potentially you might want to make different choices about your life.

Whatever your rationale for saying you might go to your parents for a while was, sounds to me like a really good idea. Space, spending time with your son, with people that love you is usually a win-win for most of us. It might be just what you need at the moment. It's been quite hard going for you both for a while now. Space might be good for both of you.

[Ceruleanblue]

What's so sad, is I'm not asking him to change huge things, just things like the abuse, and working on having a few boundaries, for himself. I mean, these things are all beneficial to HIM, and he does know it, but he seems to lack inclination to change. He must enjoy being miserable, on some level. He says he doesn't want to live his life this way, but then he does everything to assure that he does. His Ts have tried to help him, family has tried to help him, I've tried to gently help him, all to not much avail.

I mean, HIS lack of boundaries means I have to deal with fallout. He'll do things that have affect on my life. And you are right. I can only do so much, compromise so much, work on myself so much. Marriage is about two people doing that, and some change has happened from me working on me, but it's not going to change all the abuse, or his lack of boundaries. And the BPD/NPD behaviors, heck, I long ago realized it's a lifetime curse, and that those behaviors will always be something he struggles with. I do radically accept that, but I do have "low times" when dealing with the fallout of his lack of boundaries, has me asking if I can do this long term.

I'm not expecting things to be great, just better. I'd like to continue to support him emotionally, but it's hard when he denies he has any real issues, and refuses to really do the dirty work to make his, and our lives better.

[Daniell85]

I'm kind in agreement that some things just can't be fixed. You either walk away from them or you detach from them so you are not hurting over them.