Seems I spoke too soon

[Corgicuddler95]

Last night I made a post about how me and my ex talked properly about the break up of 3 months ago. It was long overdue and she seemed calm, rational and understanding to how we both felt, I almost totally forgot about her BPD And we seemed to be on something nearer speaking terms.

Tonight however she has begun acting like a completely different person. I asked how her day has been as it was her first back at uni (something she'd been building up to for a while). She ignored me and then a couple hours later she messaged me saying that she never wanted to hear from me again and that my behaviour was "inappropriate and frankly terrifying".

I'm not sure what she was talking about. All I can think is that I'd occasionally vent through our mutual friends, ask them how she was when I went through no contact and sometimes checked her multitude of social media accounts. Apparently being concerned for the well being of your first love after a year and a half of a deep relationship is "frankly terrifying"

I'm not sure how I'll feel about it later but you know what, right now I don't even care. I was a loving boyfriend and deserve better treatment that this.

[Mutt]

Hi Cordicuddler95,

Tonight however she has begun acting like a completely different person. I asked how her day has been as it was her first back at uni (something she'd been building up to for a while). She ignored me and then a couple hours later she messaged me saying that she never wanted to hear from me again and that my behaviour was "inappropriate and frankly terrifying".

I'm sorry to hear that. A sufferer of BPD may act out, try to control or display disproportionate anger when they are under stress. She may of felt anxiety and stress with the first day of uni?

Emotions are intensified and quicksilver with a pwBPD and the person can't regulate their emotions and self sooth. My advice is to depersonalize her behavior.

[JohnLove]

Hi Corgicuddler95, I read your initial post with some pleasure as I have deeply desired to enjoy those sort of conversations with my SO, and I do get to speak my mind and set things straight (often with only the ET of SET) like you have expressed.

When their is understanding and seemingly deep conversation it feels like a huge relief.

But when they do a 180 degree reversal as you have expressed or have selective amnesia it only sets you back at square one... .or worse. When they lose the plot you sometimes wonder if anything was real or if it was at all helpful to have this sort of conversation.

I can bet the "stress" of that conversation and the added stress of starting uni has only combined to trigger her to dysregulate.

You seem to be coping well with her reaction after she has processed everything but I am a little curious as to what was covered in your conversation that sounded something like a heart to heart... .at least for you. I have no idea if she was being genuine or authentic or simply mirroring you.

I fear that if you opened your heart you have may have provided her with a repotaire of "ammo" to use against you in the future. You shouldn't HAVE to protect yourself too much in a healthy intimate relationship... .but this is often the reality with pwBPD.

Very very sad.

[Corgicuddler95]

Hi Cordicuddler95,

Tonight however she has begun acting like a completely different person. I asked how her day has been as it was her first back at uni (something she'd been building up to for a while). She ignored me and then a couple hours later she messaged me saying that she never wanted to hear from me again and that my behaviour was "inappropriate and frankly terrifying".

I'm sorry to hear that. A sufferer of BPD may act out, try to control or display disproportionate anger when they are under stress. She may of felt anxiety and stress with the first day of uni?

Emotions are intensified and quicksilver with a pwBPD and the person can't regulate their emotions and self sooth. My advice is to depersonalize her behavior.

I started depersonalising a while back. I'm trying to forgive and not resent her actions.

It's just a shocking sudden shift in moods. I guess I want to be told it's BPD becuase if not then I did something wrong and I seriously don't think I didn't anything to deserve this sudden cut off with such harsh words. I believe she's upset that I sometimes talked to a mutual friend about how she was doing when we were going through no contact (and considering her history of depression and anxiety I don't think I can be blamed)

[Mutt]

I can understand feeling upset if we were blamed, I dont think anybody feels comfortable with blame thrown on their lap? Are we responsible for our exe's feelings?

Did you also find that she would rapidly change from a bad mood to a good mood just as quickly in the past?

[Corgicuddler95]

Hi Corgicuddler95, I read your initial post with some pleasure as I have deeply desired to enjoy those sort of conversations with my SO, and I do get to speak my mind and set things straight (often with only the ET of SET) like you have expressed.

When their is understanding and seemingly deep conversation it feels like a huge relief.

But when they do a 180 degree reversal as you have expressed or have selective amnesia it only sets you back at square one... .or worse. When they lose the plot you sometimes wonder if anything was real or if it was at all helpful to have this sort of conversation.

I can bet the "stress" of that conversation and the added stress of starting uni has only combined to trigger her to dysregulate.

You seem to be coping well with her reaction after she has processed everything but I am a little curious as to what was covered in your conversation that sounded something like a heart to heart... .at least for you. I have no idea if she was being genuine or authentic or simply mirroring you.

I fear that if you opened your heart you have may have provided her with a repotaire of "ammo" to use against you in the future. You shouldn't HAVE to protect yourself too much in a healthy intimate relationship... .but this is often the reality with pwBPD.

Very very sad.

We talked about everything but the impression I got is that two things bothered her:

A. I'd of the talk to a mutual friend about the break up. This was therapeutic for me but also let me know how my ex was doing while we were in no contact which was important to me as she has had a history of serious depression and anxiety.

B. I was honest and told her I sometimes looked at her social media profiles like Tumblr even though I hadn't when we dated.

I think she took both these things as me trying to be manipulative, obsessive or decietful which reminded me of when I told her I loved her not long after we split which lead to her accusing me trying to guilt trip her. In actuality I just cared how she was doing after going through no contact, maybe I was  wrong to do those things but it hardly deserves this reaction.

[JohnLove]

I believe she's upset that I sometimes talked to a mutual friend about how she was doing when we were going through no contact (and considering her history of depression and anxiety I don't think I can be blamed)

I'm a little unsure what is so "wrong" with you checking up on her when you can't do that directly... .

Does she perceive it to be snooping, or stalking?... .or even (dare I say it) triangulation?

Or would she have much appreciated that attention concerning her, for herself?

Is there a BPD Whisperer about?... .they may need more info.

[Corgicuddler95]

I can understand feeling upset if we were blamed, I dont think anybody feels comfortable with blame thrown on their lap? Are we responsible for our exe's feelings?

Did you also find that she would rapidly change from a bad mood to a good mood just as quickly in the past?

I've seen her take a harsh reaction to little things like when a friend called her neurotic and she wouldn't speak to them for several days but she's never gone so far as to fully cut someone out.

[Corgicuddler95]

I believe she's upset that I sometimes talked to a mutual friend about how she was doing when we were going through no contact (and considering her history of depression and anxiety I don't think I can be blamed)

I'm a little unsure what is so "wrong" with you checking up on her when you can't do that directly... .

Does she perceive it to be snooping, or stalking?... .or even (dare I say it) triangulation?

Or would she have much appreciated that attention concerning her, for herself?

Is there a BPD Whisperer about?... .they may need more info.

I think she also thought I was trying to influence her through them or trying to get them to take my "side" which was rediculas as I actively told them she wasn't the blame for anything and I didn't want them to "side" with me or be obliged to tell me anything

[JohnLove]

Hmmm... .you talking about EVERYTHING may have overwhelmed her.

In response to her 2 concerns.

A: Seems fair to me. Is she really concerned that you were presented only with facts and she could not control or manipulate?

B: looking at social media platforms is there FUNCTION... .or did you do something that violated a boundary like logging in to her account?

I can't see the "wrong" in your actions but then I'm not BPD either.

[Corgicuddler95]

Hmmm... .you talking about EVERYTHING may have overwhelmed her.

In response to her 2 concerns.

A: Seems fair to me. Is she really concerned that you were presented only with facts and she could not control or manipulate?

B: looking at social media platforms is there FUNCTION... .or did you do something that violated a boundary like logging in to her account?

I can't see the "wrong" in your actions but then I'm not BPD either.

No I never tried to look at anything that wasn't public. The worst thing I did was find an account I had never been aware of and was under a pseudonym but even then it was obviously hers

[JohnLove]

I think she also thought I was trying to influence her through them or trying to get them to take my "side" which was rediculas as I actively told them she wasn't the blame for anything and I didn't want them to "side" with me or be obliged to tell me anything

Yeah. I understand that disordered perspective... .but you can't overtly influence someone with a stable sense of self.

Sides... .yeah, that is a big one with BPD. My SO has twice tried to drag me to a T or counsellor to get her on "side" to prove me "wrong"... .instead I gave her a hearty dose of reality and she dropped that pretty quick. This is not the recommend remedy.  

The Blame Game is one I refuse to play and keeps coming up time and time again with a fervour in my relationship.

I much prefer RESPONSIBILTIY and ACCOUNTABILITY in relationships.

Keeping it real is an enormous challenge in the face of cognitive distortions.

I wish us both the best of luck as that seems to play such an integral part of these style of interactions.

[Corgicuddler95]

I think she also thought I was trying to influence her through them or trying to get them to take my "side" which was rediculas as I actively told them she wasn't the blame for anything and I didn't want them to "side" with me or be obliged to tell me anything

Yeah. I understand that disordered perspective... .but you can't overtly influence someone with a stable sense of self.

Sides... .yeah, that is a big one with BPD. My SO has twice tried to drag me to a T or counsellor to get her on "side" to prove me "wrong"... .instead I gave her a hearty dose of reality and she dropped that pretty quick. This is not the recommend remedy.  

The Blame Game is one I refuse to play and keeps coming up time and time again with a fervour in my relationship.

I much prefer RESPONSIBILTIY and ACCOUNTABILITY in relationships.

Keeping it real is an enormous challenge in the face of cognitive distortions.

I wish us both the best of luck as that seems to play such an integral part of these style of interactions.

I've tried to tell mutual friends I've discussed the break up with that it was both of us that contributed to the break down of the relationship and the fallout.

I'm just worried that she's going to start painting me as a bad guy to other friends who don't know me as well especially because another friend told me something he told her tonight which was either an out right lie or she seriously misunderstood something I said.

[JohnLove]

No I never tried to look at anything that wasn't public. The worst thing I did was find an account I had never been aware of and was under a pseudonym but even then it was obviously hers

The worst thing you did wrong?... .my understanding is multiple user accounts usually contravenes their terms and conditions, and that's not your doing.

If she has multiple accounts to display a different persona to the world that's one (BPD) thing, but if it's to hide innapproriate communications then that is a lot more sinister.

You might like to check yourself for FOG, my friend.

[JohnLove]

I've tried to tell mutual friends I've discussed the break up with that it was both of us that contributed to the break down of the relationship and the fallout.

I'm just worried that she's going to start painting me as a bad guy to other friends who don't know me as well especially because another friend told me something he told her tonight which was either an out right lie or she seriously misunderstood something I said.

That seems fair, self aware, and acknowledges your responsibility for the part you played.

You should be worried if you care... .but I dont know if worry is going to make any difference to the outcome. This is right out of the BPD playbook. She may not stop at friends that don't know you so well either. Smear campaigns are not real selective in their delivery when a pwBPD is emotionally dysregulated.

Serious misunderstanding?... .I have felt this too... .only to realise that my pwBPD seemingly wanted to misunderstand. That led me to the further realisation that it is her cognitive distortion at play. BPD is not a game and it's not always fun. in your case it may simply be a lie or manipulation.

Always appreciate that BPD is a very serious and chronic mental affliction... .with one major side effect of destroying good relationships.

I would try to ascertain what "type" of BPD she is if at all possible to increase your understanding of your predicament and how to handle yourself best.

That's the only advice I have with the information you have provided.

I wish you well.  

[Corgicuddler95]

No I never tried to look at anything that wasn't public. The worst thing I did was find an account I had never been aware of and was under a pseudonym but even then it was obviously hers

The worst thing you did wrong?... .my understanding is multiple user accounts usually contravenes their terms and conditions, and that's not your doing.

If she has multiple accounts to display a different persona to the world that's one (BPD) thing, but if it's to hide innapproriate communications then that is a lot more sinister.

You might like to check yourself for FOG, my friend.

No, it was an account for a website i didn't know existed, there was no innappropriate stuff on there any how. I think I found it cos she mentioned the username she used on Twitter. But srsly looking at all her accounts probly hurt me more than it ever hurt her.

[Corgicuddler95]

I've tried to tell mutual friends I've discussed the break up with that it was both of us that contributed to the break down of the relationship and the fallout.

I'm just worried that she's going to start painting me as a bad guy to other friends who don't know me as well especially because another friend told me something he told her tonight which was either an out right lie or she seriously misunderstood something I said.

That seems fair, self aware, and acknowledges your responsibility for the part you played.

You should be worried if you care... .but I dont know if worry is going to make any difference to the outcome. This is right out of the BPD playbook. She may not stop at friends that don't know you so well either. Smear campaigns are not real selective in their delivery when a pwBPD is emotionally dysregulated.

Serious misunderstanding?... .I have felt this too... .only to realise that my pwBPD seemingly wanted to misunderstand. That led me to the further realisation that it is her cognitive distortion at play. BPD is not a game and it's not always fun. in your case it may simply be a lie or manipulation.

Always appreciate that BPD is a very serious and chronic mental affliction... .with one major side effect of destroying good relationships.

I would try to ascertain what "type" of BPD she is if at all possible to increase your understanding of your predicament and how to handle yourself best.

That's the only advice I have with the information you have provided.

I wish you well.  

From what I've read she's a 'discouraged' borderline. Depressive, anxious and tends to use fantasy as an source of escapism.

As I said the whole misunderstanding thing isn't new. When I told her I loved her after the break up she read that as me trying to guilt trip her and I saw her tell her online friends that (didn't help that they all reinforced it by saying I sounded like a douche).

She's pretty High functioning for a BPD (my therapist wasn't sure she had it when she first met him and he's been in the business a while) but while I'm not sure she ruins her relationships she does have a tendency to discard them, I know she barely talks to her friends from home anymore and they were really close when we first met.

[JohnLove]

Sorry Corgicuddler95, I'm just highly suspicious of pwBPD when seemingly displaying the symptoms of an exit strategy.

Sure it hurts, but as Mutt suggested it is often helpful (but sometimes incredibly difficult) to depersonalise her behaviour. It's very often not about you.

When speaking just last night with my BPD partner on the subject of hurt and perceived hurt, she said to me I'll never understand how much she hurts (and I am very empathetic). She has said similar things before. When I get her to open up about her deep feelings about herself some of the stuff she has revealed would make your hair stand on end.

I believe this is a reality for most pwBPD.

Be careful of seemingly deep emotions or feelings that she displays as sometimes they will have a profound affect on you but may be fleeting for her.

[JohnLove]

Discouraged isn't a "type"... .it's a state of being.

The BPD types that are speculated to exist are Queen, Witch, Hermit, and Waif. Google them.

Orbiters or enablers are always a problem. You don't sound like a douche to me, but that sounds like an attack on your sense of self. Interesting.

Discarding friendships could be a dysfunctional compensatory measure to prevent destroying them. If she is high functioning she may have a degree of self awareness.

T's can be unhelpful without considerable experience or specialising in the treatment of BPD, and at worst they can undermine your progress. This is well documented on here and elsewhere. Be careful.

It seems the people who know BPD best are the ones who are or have been in an intimate relationship with them. It is almost impossible to explain. It must be experienced.

I read a quote on Pinterest recently:

You don't know how damaged someone is until you try to love them.

In my experience this is so true.

[Corgicuddler95]

Discouraged isn't a "type"... .it's a state of being.

The BPD types that are speculated to exist are Queen, Witch, Hermit, and Waif. Google them.

Orbiters or enablers are always a problem. You don't sound like a douche to me, but that sounds like an attack on your sense of self. Interesting.

Discarding friendships could be a dysfunctional compensatory measure to prevent destroying them. If she is high functioning she may have a degree of self awareness.

T's can be unhelpful without considerable experience or specialising in the treatment of BPD, and at worst they can undermine your progress. This is well documented on here and elsewhere. Be careful.

It seems the people who know BPD best are the ones who are or have been in an intimate relationship with them. It is almost impossible to explain. It must be experienced.

I read a quote on Pinterest recently:

You don't know how damaged someone is until you try to love them.

In my experience this is so true.

By those types she sounds most like the waif.

She definetly has some sense of self awareness. She could tell some feelings were her BPD and before we broke up she thought that she didn't love me due to it.

Yes that quote is true. It's hard seeing mutual friends be around her, not understanding how fragile and confused she really is. However being two years a older than her it's hard not to see it as immaturity.

[HappyNihilist]

Corgicuddler, I'm so sorry, that had to have been hurtful.   

I know how confusing and upsetting post-breakup communication can be with a pwBPD. Mutt brought up an important point about depersonalizing our exes' behavior. pwBPD often base their reality on their feelings - and BPD makes emotional regulation difficult. Because of this, their reality is fluid and very much about their emotions and perceptions.

Be careful of seemingly deep emotions or feelings that she displays as sometimes they will have a profound affect on you but may be fleeting for her.

This is one of those hard truths for us as 'nons' to accept.

You love her and you want to understand, Corgicuddler. That's completely understandable. It's difficult to navigate these waters after a relationship with a pwBPD. There are so many unanswered questions and confusion.

The questions and confusion are lessened once we begin to understand more about BPD, and learn how to depersonalize their behaviors.

This is your truth from the relationship -

I was a loving boyfriend and deserve better treatment that this.

Nothing can change the fact that you were a loving boyfriend who tried your best. Remind yourself of this when you find yourself tempted to take your ex's changing perceptions to heart.

[myself]

Maybe she meant it seemed like you were checking in on her, like you were thinking you still had a 'relationship' with her of some kind? If she also took your recent conversation as a form of closure, maybe she thought that means she goes her way and you go your way?

Beyond that, how are you going to handle yourself from here? Respect what she is asking (even if it's coming from a disordered place), not contact her, not check her social media, etc? What's best for you?

[JohnLove]

By those types she sounds most like the waif.

She definetly has some sense of self awareness. She could tell some feelings were her BPD and before we broke up she thought that she didn't love me due to it.

Yes that quote is true. It's hard seeing mutual friends be around her, not understanding how fragile and confused she really is. However being two years a older than her it's hard not to see it as immaturity.

My interpretation of the Waif is that they are not high functioning and generally have poor executive control. It doesn't sound like your situatiion from where I am. Maybe, look a little closer at the sub-types?

Her logical mind will be necessary to heal her disordered emotional mind, and that is difficult when playing the blame game. A strong logical mind will "see" the disorder due to the illogical behaviour. Most pwBPD cannot "see" their mental illness... .and that is a tragedy, at best they know something is wrong with them but can't define exactly what it is.

It is a disorder rooted in underdeveloped emotional maturity... .so you are correct in your observation but it has nothing to do with the 2 year age difference.

[mrwigand]

I can't speak for everyone, but I can certainly tell you that in my experiences my dBPDexgf had extreme shifts in her behavior toward me post breakup that it is very similar to what you're describing. Sometimes, she would treat me with respect and then sometimes I felt like I was being treated as if I was worth less than gum on the bottom of her shoe. It's called black and white thinking.

It always provoked a lot of reactions in me. Often I would be deeply angry like you are and feel profoundly that I deserved better treatment. Other times, I would feel as if I had done something wrong even if the evidence contradicted that. I would almost ALWAYS want to rectify the situation.

I would urge you NOT to do anything like that. Namely, DON'T reach out to her again. For one, disordered or not, she said that she doesn't want to have communication, and it's best to follow that. Secondly, it's possibly that this is a provocation tactic, perhaps even unconsciously. Like a version of the silent treatment. If that's the case, best not to play that game.

I'm sorry, I know this is deeply confusing, but I can tell you that from my experience it will confusing and potentially hurtful until you achieve true distance from it. I went through an unnecessarily extended period of time after my breakup where I tried to maintain some kind of communication with my, but for me it was too soon and it was too painful (and I couldn't deal with exes shifting boundaries). I would seriously consider maintaining A LOT of distance from this situation.

[Corgicuddler95]

Maybe she meant it seemed like you were checking in on her, like you were thinking you still had a 'relationship' with her of some kind? If she also took your recent conversation as a form of closure, maybe she thought that means she goes her way and you go your way?

Beyond that, how are you going to handle yourself from here? Respect what she is asking (even if it's coming from a disordered place), not contact her, not check her social media, etc? What's best for you?

Well the vibe I got from the conversation was that we could both be on better terms and continue to talk more. We even texted each other a bit that evening.

I can't speak for everyone, but I can certainly tell you that in my experiences my dBPDexgf had extreme shifts in her behavior toward me post breakup that it is very similar to what you're describing. Sometimes, she would treat me with respect and then sometimes I felt like I was being treated as if I was worth less than gum on the bottom of her shoe. It's called black and white thinking.

It always provoked a lot of reactions in me. Often I would be deeply angry like you are and feel profoundly that I deserved better treatment. Other times, I would feel as if I had done something wrong even if the evidence contradicted that. I would almost ALWAYS want to rectify the situation.

I would urge you NOT to do anything like that. Namely, DON'T reach out to her again. For one, disordered or not, she said that she doesn't want to have communication, and it's best to follow that. Secondly, it's possibly that this is a provocation tactic, perhaps even unconsciously. Like a version of the silent treatment. If that's the case, best not to play that game.

I'm sorry, I know this is deeply confusing, but I can tell you that from my experience it will confusing and potentially hurtful until you achieve true distance from it. I went through an unnecessarily extended period of time after my breakup where I tried to maintain some kind of communication with my, but for me it was too soon and it was too painful (and I couldn't deal with exes shifting boundaries). I would seriously consider maintaining A LOT of distance from this situation.

That's what I plan to do. I will comply with her wishes, as long as she stays away from me I will stay away from her.

And to think years ago I expected getting a girlfriend would mean I'd need less therapy

[mrwigand]

Maybe she meant it seemed like you were checking in on her, like you were thinking you still had a 'relationship' with her of some kind? If she also took your recent conversation as a form of closure, maybe she thought that means she goes her way and you go your way?

Beyond that, how are you going to handle yourself from here? Respect what she is asking (even if it's coming from a disordered place), not contact her, not check her social media, etc? What's best for you?

Well the vibe I got from the conversation was that we could both be on better terms and continue to talk more. We even texted each other a bit that evening.

I can't speak for everyone, but I can certainly tell you that in my experiences my dBPDexgf had extreme shifts in her behavior toward me post breakup that it is very similar to what you're describing. Sometimes, she would treat me with respect and then sometimes I felt like I was being treated as if I was worth less than gum on the bottom of her shoe. It's called black and white thinking.

It always provoked a lot of reactions in me. Often I would be deeply angry like you are and feel profoundly that I deserved better treatment. Other times, I would feel as if I had done something wrong even if the evidence contradicted that. I would almost ALWAYS want to rectify the situation.

I would urge you NOT to do anything like that. Namely, DON'T reach out to her again. For one, disordered or not, she said that she doesn't want to have communication, and it's best to follow that. Secondly, it's possibly that this is a provocation tactic, perhaps even unconsciously. Like a version of the silent treatment. If that's the case, best not to play that game.

I'm sorry, I know this is deeply confusing, but I can tell you that from my experience it will confusing and potentially hurtful until you achieve true distance from it. I went through an unnecessarily extended period of time after my breakup where I tried to maintain some kind of communication with my, but for me it was too soon and it was too painful (and I couldn't deal with exes shifting boundaries). I would seriously consider maintaining A LOT of distance from this situation.

That's what I plan to do. I will comply with her wishes, as long as she stays away from me I will stay away from her.

And to think years ago I expected getting a girlfriend would mean I'd need less therapy

Hey, don't beat yourself up! Almost everyone needs therapy occasionally, and in fact seeking therapy is a sign of emotional health and maturity!

[oletimefeelin]

Tonight however she has begun acting like a completely different person. I asked how her day has been as it was her first back at uni (something she'd been building up to for a while). She ignored me and then a couple hours later she messaged me saying that she never wanted to hear from me again and that my behaviour was "inappropriate and frankly terrifying".

I am curious how things were left with her that the next day you're checking in to find out how her day is going.  Did you assume you were trying to get back together?  Trying to be friends?  It reads like one of these.  If so, you need to lay back and let her come to you some.

[Corgicuddler95]

Hey, don't beat yourself up! Almost everyone needs therapy occasionally, and in fact seeking therapy is a sign of emotional health and maturity!

yeah I know that. I've been having therapy for years I'm just having to see my therapist more often through all of this.

Tonight however she has begun acting like a completely different person. I asked how her day has been as it was her first back at uni (something she'd been building up to for a while). She ignored me and then a couple hours later she messaged me saying that she never wanted to hear from me again and that my behaviour was "inappropriate and frankly terrifying".

I am curious how things were left with her that the next day you're checking in to find out how her day is going.  Did you assume you were trying to get back together?  Trying to be friends?  It reads like one of these.  If so, you need to lay back and let her come to you some.

I tried to make it clear that I was trying to move on but also stay in touch. She seemed to understand that.

[Corgicuddler95]

It also seems she has started painting me as a bad guy to a handful of people we know. I trust most of our mutual friends to see it as the complicated situation it is and I think ive tried to paint it that way to those I have spoken a bit about it to. I just fear those who don't know me very well will begin to resent me.

It's quite disheartening.

[JohnLove]

That's what I plan to do. I will comply with her wishes, as long as she stays away from me I will stay away from her.

And to think years ago I expected getting a girlfriend would mean I'd need less therapy

Even if she doesn't "stay away from you" you still have the option to stay away from her. Don't allow her to take away your "power".

Now that is an interesting expectation... .and I believe you are wise to expect that. Pair bonding in humans is for safety, security, and all that but the most important to me is emotional growth. Everyone grows physically older each day, but emotional growth through support and challenges to old ideas, incorrect beliefs, and ways that do not serve me well is number 1 for me.

You have every right to enjoy a partner who is emotionally supportive and challenges you in healthy ways that foster personal growth. This is far more "rewarding" than doing this stuff with a T. I feel a T is best served as an often poor substitute for someone that has no significant other to turn to. Although I will add a trained professional is often a godsend when in a personal crisis with or without a partner. Remember, there is no right or wrong to life when making these sort of personal choices. Your choices reflect your individual uniqueness.

Corgicuddler95, you need to ask yourself is/was the relationship meeting your needs and expectations before you commit or even consent to this dysfunctional dance.