I was the one who broke it off 6 times- now I feel like I was at fault

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I recently posted about the recycling pattern I have experienced several times in my relationship with my BPDw.

So that thread made me start thinking(I know big mistake) since I kept pseudo journals that it might be a good idea to go back through my journals to sort of reinforce why I left her those times.

What I read shook me to the core!

I was the one who broke off our relationship 3 times plus called off an engagement. Now obviously I broke it off each time because of this mean streak that would raise its ugly head from time to time, plus a couple suicide threats. But up to this point I had never experienced the outrageous rage episodes that would come 3 months after we were married.

Ever since last night I have been filled with enormous guilt like I might be the bad guy here.

I mean I'm the one that cut it off, a couple of those were blindsides by me. Not to mention calling off a wedding. I feel likeIm the monster and I have living in the pit of guilt and feeling sorry for her. She was the one who texted excessively and begged to get back together. The only one occasion when we broke up I started to have panic attacks and determined that becauseI was hurting so bad it must of meant we were suppose to be together, so I went crawling back.

She said the only way she would take me back is if I bought her an engageme ring.

And said I had 2 weeks to produce the ring. So I frantically went out and bought the ring and proposed. I figured it was better to get engaged than to experience the pain I endured in the time we were apart. Side note: later in the night that I have her the engagement ring she told me that she expected a bigger diamond, which of course I went out and bought.

But that's not what this post is about.

It's about the overwhelming guilt and pain I am feeling while reading these early journals of how I hurt her by bailing out of the relationship that many times. It seems to showcase my insanity more than hers.

Then we got married and within 3 months the bizarre, frightening all out rages started. I ended up leaving the relationship 3 more times for safety reasons, all within a 21 month period.

But for some reason reading those early journals have triggered the guilty/ blaming monster in me. I have been a mess. Man o man does it ever end? (Rhetorical)

[Rameses]

I recently posted about the recycling pattern I have experienced several times in my relationship with my BPDw.

So that thread made me start thinking(I know big mistake) since I kept pseudo journals that it might be a good idea to go back through my journals to sort of reinforce why I left her those times.

What I read shook me to the core!

I was the one who broke off our relationship 3 times plus called off an engagement. Now obviously I broke it off each time because of this mean streak that would raise its ugly head from time to time, plus a couple suicide threats. But up to this point I had never experienced the outrageous rage episodes that would come 3 months after we were married.

Ever since last night I have been filled with enormous guilt like I might be the bad guy here.

I mean I'm the one that cut it off, a couple of those were blindsides by me. Not to mention calling off a wedding. I feel likeIm the monster and I have living in the pit of guilt and feeling sorry for her. She was the one who texted excessively and begged to get back together. The only one occasion when we broke up I started to have panic attacks and determined that becauseI was hurting so bad it must of meant we were suppose to be together, so I went crawling back.

She said the only way she would take me back is if I bought her an engageme ring.

And said I had 2 weeks to produce the ring. So I frantically went out and bought the ring and proposed. I figured it was better to get engaged than to experience the pain I endured in the time we were apart. Side note: later in the night that I have her the engagement ring she told me that she expected a bigger diamond, which of course I went out and bought.

But that's not what this post is about.

It's about the overwhelming guilt and pain I am feeling while reading these early journals of how I hurt her by bailing out of the relationship that many times. It seems to showcase my insanity more than hers.

Then we got married and within 3 months the bizarre, frightening all out rages started. I ended up leaving the relationship 3 more times for safety reasons, all within a 21 month period.

But for some reason reading those early journals have triggered the guilty/ blaming monster in me. I have been a mess. Man o man does it ever end? (Rhetorical)

[Rameses]

I also wanted to add that the event last night has given me an overwhelming urge to contact her after 28 days of NC. I've been fighting it all day.

[Mutt]

Hi Rameses,

It's about the overwhelming guilt and pain I am feeling while reading these early journals of how I hurt her by bailing out of the relationship that many times. It seems to showcase my insanity more than hers.

Then we got married and within 3 months the bizarre, frightening all out rages started. I ended up leaving the relationship 3 more times for safety reasons, all within a 21 month period.

I'm sorry to hear that. I can see how that guilt and pain would be a huge burden. Don't be hard on yourself.

Let's take a look at it from a different angle? A relationship is a two way transaction? Your ex partner also chose to be in the r/s and took you back on the pretext of engagement rings?

Why assign yourself the lion's share of the blame? I think what we can do for ourselves is learning from experiences. What did you learn about yourself and relationships?

[Nextinline]

Rameses,

I think that, like I have done, you are looking backwards with 20:20 hindsight. When we look at life through that lens we will always find something that we could have or should have done differently, or perhaps should have done better.

I certainly went through all of that pain when the ex left me in March.

I have been able to look back on a lot of those times and, whilst I see room for improvement in my own behaviours, I was pushed to breaking point by the unrelenting rage, criticism and blame that was coming my way from her.

You can only fill a bucket with so much water before it overflows. This is the way I choose to look at things now with the ex in that there was only so much I could take before I cracked. Even when I walked away for things to calm down the rage escalated as I was being called a coward and gutless and all sorts of things.

So you are damned if you do and damned if you don't. You acted in your own best survival instincts at those times you are referring to. Based on your previous comments and posts... .I don't think it was you that inflicted the self harm that your partner did to herself.

Two people are responsible for a healthy RS, not just one.

Take care of you and give yourself a break. Your only focus now should be to try and find some inner peace.