why do so many stories sound similar?

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

I read alot of posts and articles... I don't understand how some of these stories are so similar at times I check if people are in my time zone because it sounds like we dated the same girl... I've read a few posts where I actually think is this the "other" guy from my story? Sometimes I ask people how old they are because it just seems like the same thing happened to me

I don't know if anyone's read some shrink4men stuff... One of the articles broke it down like a script:

Amy meets John... Tells him how abusive her ex boyfriends have been

Amy falls in love with John

Amy cheats on John makes John. Believe it's his fault

Amy leaves John to go back to the same "abusive" boyfriend and claims she loves him and tells John he's worthless and to stay out of her life

It seems like you get diagnosed by a T and they give you a manual of how your supposed to act if you have BPD? All jokes aside... How did someone write an article that sounds so accurate to me? Is BPD that predictable

[problemsolver]

I read alot of posts and articles... I don't understand how some of these stories are so similar at times I check if people are in my time zone because it sounds like we dated the same girl... I've read a few posts where I actually think is this the "other" guy from my story? Sometimes I ask people how old they are because it just seems like the same thing happened to me

I don't know if anyone's read some shrink4men stuff... One of the articles broke it down like a script:

Amy meets John... Tells him how abusive her ex boyfriends have been

Amy falls in love with John

Amy cheats on John makes John. Believe it's his fault

Amy leaves John to go back to the same "abusive" boyfriend and claims she loves him and tells John he's worthless and to stay out of her life

It seems like you get diagnosed by a T and they give you a manual of how your supposed to act if you have BPD? All jokes aside... How did someone write an article that sounds so accurate to me? Is BPD that predictable

[ReneeMurphy523]

It is quite crazy how similar everyone's stories can be... .but I guess this is why this makes this a disorder and something to "diagnosed."

I guess I think of it this way, when someone gets diagnosed with a physical condition they have a mutltitude of symptoms.  These symptoms are what leads to the diagnosis.

Same goes for a mental condition, such as a personality disorder.  In the case of a borderline, impulsive behavior, cutting, substance abuse, lack of self worth, etc.

If you were to ask two people who had been both diagnosed with type 2 diabetes, it may not be the exact same experience, but the physical symptoms they experience will be quite similar.

I guess I feel a mental illness, especially a PD is the same.  It all sounds similar cause they all have the same symptoms.  Which is quite amazing evidence this is a real mental issue/disease.  But, I get what you are saying, it is quite eerie :-/

[Invictus01]

Because when it comes to relationships with PD people, it isn't the person you are dealing with, it is the disorder. Like any other sickness has the same symptoms no matter which person got it, this one got the same symptoms too. And that is what we all have seen.

[Michelle27]

Reading all of the similar story lines has been rather therapeutic for me.  Knowing I'm not an idiot for believing the lies, hanging onto the hope for so long and working so hard to improve things has been invaluable.  While I don't wish the kind of experience I had on anyone, but it helps to know that I am not alone alone. 

[svart]

My guess is that psychopathologies follow a pattern. Whats even more surprising is the fact that some stories are repetitive in different countries, at least from my perspective.

[once removed]

i think its worth noting that we often have more in common with each other than our former partners do. it explains a lot of the overlap.

things get pretty difficult when we try to define people by a disorder, lump all people with BPD in one category, or try to come up with a "script". that shrink4men scenario makes john out to be a sucker who was conned, and a victim. thats generally not the case.

it takes two, and in the long run it gets us closer to detachment to examine our own patterns and behaviors, which so many of us have in common.

[problemsolver]

i think its worth noting that we often have more in common with each other than our former partners do. it explains a lot of the overlap.

things get pretty difficult when we try to define people by a disorder, lump all people with BPD in one category, or try to come up with a "script". that shrink4men scenario makes john out to be a sucker who was conned, and a victim. thats generally not the case.

it takes two, and in the long run it gets us closer to detachment to examine our own patterns and behaviors, which so many of us have in common.

Hmm interesting , correct me if I'm wrong but are you saying that based on Johns reactions or behaviors that the person with BPD was pushed into that scenario? Do you believe it is mainly the reaction of the non that causes so many people on this board pain?

[FannyB]

 Hi Problemsolver

If 200 kids around the world all broke their legs by the age of 3 and didn't have them set properly then as adults they would probably have similar limps. Same theory holds for emotional wounds - hence why all these different pwBPD show strikingly similar behavioral patterns.

That's my take on things anyway.


Fanny

[once removed]

to your first question, no, not at all.

to begin with, shrink4men is a highly convoluted and problematic source. my personal opinion is that it is frankly dangerous poison, but id encourage you to check these links for a bigger picture:

online reputation, independent review: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=273744

critical review: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=238014.0

picking apart the john and amy scenario, the relationship between the two begins based on amy describing how abusive her ex boyfriends have been. is that really the best basis and origin story for a relationship? was john attracted to it? as is the case for many members here, he may well have been. thats on john. amy has probably attracted many men before john with the same story. its what she knows, and its worked, or so she continues to think. at the very least, its telling too much too soon. thats on amy. several have probably walked away; but its likely this is a type of drama that powerfully connects both amy and john to others and each other.

one partner cheating is never the other partners fault. its understandable to believe otherwise, ive been there. for john to take blame for his partner cheating is misguided. if amy put the blame on john it is misguided. these relationships generally involve two misguided, but well intentioned people.

my story does not sound anything like amy and john. i have plenty in common in my story, and myself, with others, but there is plenty of variation in my story and others.

":)o you believe it is mainly the reaction of the non that causes so many people on this board pain?"

if i understand your question correctly, no, there is a great deal of complexity to the pain of most of the membership here, and it varies at least as much as BPD does as a disorder. for some there is codependency or varying degrees of it. for some there are family of origin issues (as to some extent there is for everyone). these are some of the most common examples, but hardly all of them. the following article gives a pretty good idea of both the variety and commonality of what many of us have struggled with: https://bpdfamily.com/bpdresources/nk_a117.htm

if you follow this board for a few months, as it sounds like you have, you will see many of the same questions, many of the same struggles, many of the same stories, appear as threads. two conclusions one might draw from that is either all people with BPD are alike, or all exes of a person with BPD are alike. neither are fully true. there are generalities we can draw from both personality types, certainly, and many, many differences as well. if any of us followed a script, it was a script that was of two misguided but well intentioned peoples making. most unhealthy relationships share these kinds of themes.

[enlighten me]

I think it has to do with how predictable people are.

By this I mean we all follow a similar life pattern. Most of us have the same dreams and aspirations. We are pretty much wired the same way.

PwBPD don't follow this same pattern. They have their own coping mechanisms and this leads them to have a different pattern to us. The fact that their pattern is similar all over the world has fascinated me.

When these two life patterns cross then we see similar outcomes.

[cyclistIII]

I like the limp analogy... .and it's not that our exes wBPD are all the same person, but on the site, we are focusing on their symptoms. We're usually not here to talk about how Partner A was such a great singer and loved knitting or how Partner B told the funniest jokes or any of their unique, individual traits; we're focusing on how they behaved when they got triggered by their fear of intimacy. I'd say there are a handful of different stories rather than one, but yeah, it's pretty astounding. And, from my perspective, super-helpful, since realizing there's a pattern makes it harder for me to take any of it personally.

[klacey3]

I know what you mean problemsolver. It seems crazy how they all do and say very similar things in the same situations. Saying awful things about how they were abused by their exs yet initating contact/cheating/getting back together with them and hating you.  Its as if they have a manual that tells them what to do and how to behave to get what they want. How else do they all know the cycle of pull,push,pull, push, abuse, love, devalue, discard, beg for you back, smear campaign, beg for you back, relationship with new person, harrassment/stalking, you are the worst person they ever met, you are the one and they will always love you. More abuse and they hate you... then they love you.

Its so strange that they all seem to go back to their exs/compare you to them, yet call you names like cheating slut.

Like others have said it is because its a disorder and like other disorders there are the same/very similar symptoms. The symptoms of BPD manifesting themselves by push/pull, projection, manipulation, lack of empathy, needing needs met.

[CrazyChuck]

It becomes hard to read some people stories because they were painful for yourself. I did think it was so strange how often I went through the exact same thing. Even the exact wording.