BFF Update: mutual friend's party

[DearBFF]

Here my last most recent update in case you want backstory.  I'm posting in this forum because for me BFF is more like family.

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=281512.msg12671397#msg12671397


So this past weekend my family and I went to a birthday party for a little boy whose parents are mutual friends of BFF (I actually met them through her, but have only been with them in person a few times).  We almost didn't go, but I truly felt it was like letting a bully win, and changing my behavior based on her BPD instead of doing what I wanted.  My daughter really wanted to go, we were invited, so we went.  We got there on time and were the first to arrive.  Hubby played with munchkin while I tried to help set up.  I did not see BFF's car so I figured she must be at work at coming later, I was kind of glad as I could get settled in and be myself before feeling like I needed to I guess you could say be on guard.

At one point I ran into the guy I have been calling "boyfriend" in the kitchen and said hi.  He was friendly and even joked with me, so I was glad to see we were ok and nothing had been said to damage that; at least not that he took to heart.  I saw his sister outside (my replacement) and she lowered her eyes to the ground when she saw me, but slowly raised her gaze and quietly said hi as she passed.  I was again glad of that, as she is a sweetheart and I'd hate to think she wasn't speaking to me.

Munchkin was having fun and running around playing with the kids and attempting to swim in the pool, but she was forgetting what she learned in swim class and she said the water hurt her eyes which made her cry several times.  The next time i saw "boyfriend's" sister she was standing in a crowd and as I approached I saw BFF.  I smiled and the sister saw me as I approached and I looked at BFF as she turned and saw, the look was a look that could kill to say the least.  I just kind of went "hmph" internally and I guess my face fell because the sister gave me look like "sorry" as I passed by her.

I went to sit down with hubby and munchkin who were at the pool steps, right behind BFF, and I saw as I sat down her daughter.  She said, "Hi Aunt" which she calls me and I was so happy to see she was happy to see us.  I told her hi, and complimented her pretty dress, but BFF was kind of trying to get her to stop.  She said hi to munchkin (who didn't hear at first because she was swimming) and she even said "I missed you" to my daughter.  By then BFF had walked away and was calling after her daughter to follow, but she was asking why and got a look in response which got her to do what her mother wanted.

The rest of the time we were at the party went about the same, BFF walked around ignoring me and even my daughter (she only spoke to her once that I saw).  She kept calling her daughter away from her every time she tried to play with my daughter and my daughter was upset/frustrated/hurt by it.  I noticed that "boyfriend" wasn't talking to BFF much if at all, yet BFF kept telling her daughter to swim to him.  I also got the impression that "boyfriend" had a "girlfriend" there, a blonde girl was very much with him most of the time.

After just a few hours at the party (that was supposed to be an all day affair), munchkin was starving (unfortunately their caterer was running late), and having trouble swimming, and crying because of the water hurting her eyes she was about done.  I took her for a walk to the front of the house while she was crying and made her sit and talk with me.  She was very upset, said the water was hurting her, and then just let out in a sob that she was "So hungry!"  Hubby and I decided we should just go, then she started sobbing louder that she didn't want to leave, but we couldn't figure out what else to do.  She finally calmed down after we promised her some Taco Bell, her favorite, but she said she did not want to say goodbye to her friend (BFF's daughter).  She was hurt and upset, and we didn't see any good coming from trying to go chase down BFF or her daughter to say goodbye so we just left.

On our way out the birthday boy's mom stopped us and asked why we were leaving.  I told her munchkin was getting upset with water in her eyes, and I think she wanted to play with her friend.  She asked if BFF was making it difficult and I said yes.  She asked what happened between us and I just said, "I love her unconditionally, she has my number and she can call/text whenever she wants.  That's all there is to say about it... ."  As I didn't know what else to say, honestly there is no way to explain it without saying everything because most people won't believe me or won't understand, plus I feel like it's not mine to tell.  She went to get munchkin's goody bag, said to stay in touch, and that maybe we could get the kids together to play sometime; so thankful not to be judged on BFF's behavior towards me like I did something wrong.

I was bummed to have to leave, but there wasn't much point in staying.  I was on one hand a bit taken by surprise by her behavior, yet not completely.  It's like I expect nothing, but always hope for the best.  My husband left with another thing to add to his list of awful things she does, unfortunately.  Yet, I watched her behaving in that manner, did not tear up at all just shrugged it off reminding myself it had nothing to do with me (other than it being my presence somewhere I was invited).  Also, even sitting there watching her I still managed to say "I still love her anyway."  I guess it's the true test of unconditional love, to know that you can be present when they are behaving in that manner and still love them through it.

I am happy that others and her daughter could see we are still happy to see her and talk to her and love her and miss her.  I plan on getting a container of Halloween treats to her and a Christmas and birthday present when the time comes, but if BFF is still not speaking to me and does not respond when I call/text I will just leave them at her (ex-)husband's house since he lives just down the street.  I never want her to think we somehow did not want her in our lives, and I have no idea what BFF says to her about no longer seeing us.

I'd love to hear of others who have been in similar situations... .is it hard to be someone that the person with BPD/BPD like traits paints black and then treats you in this manner thereby coloring you the same way to those around them who don't even know you.  Is it hard for you too?  I find it frustrating.  How do you deal with it?  Do you tell people?  What do you tell them?

Thank you everyone!   

[Kwamina]

Hi DearBFF

Thanks for this update, I had been thinking about how this party would go.

The next time i saw "boyfriend's" sister she was standing in a crowd and as I approached I saw BFF.  I smiled and the sister saw me as I approached and I looked at BFF as she turned and saw, the look was a look that could kill to say the least.  I just kind of went "hmph" internally and I guess my face fell because the sister gave me look like "sorry" as I passed by her.

Yeah that type of look is something I think many of us are familiar with

By then BFF had walked away and was calling after her daughter to follow, but she was asking why and got a look in response which got her to do what her mother wanted.

... .

The rest of the time we were at the party went about the same, BFF walked around ignoring me and even my daughter (she only spoke to her once that I saw).  She kept calling her daughter away from her every time she tried to play with my daughter and my daughter was upset/frustrated/hurt by it.

This is very unpleasant behavior of BFF and hurtful for your daughter who is basically also getting 'punished' by BFF in this way. How do you see your relationship with BFF evolve from this point, also taking into account what it does to your daughter?

What if BFF would all of a sudden want to have contact with you again, how would you deal with that? Do you think it is possible to just go back to the way things were while also protecting your daughter from getting hurt again by BFF?

I noticed that "boyfriend" wasn't talking to BFF much if at all, yet BFF kept telling her daughter to swim to him.  I also got the impression that "boyfriend" had a "girlfriend" there, a blonde girl was very much with him most of the time.

Now this is an interesting development

I'd love to hear of others who have been in similar situations... .is it hard to be someone that the person with BPD/BPD like traits paints black and then treats you in this manner thereby coloring you the same way to those around them who don't even know you.  Is it hard for you too?  I find it frustrating.  How do you deal with it?  :)o you tell people?  What do you tell them?

Thank you everyone!  

I find this hard indeed. It was also very confusing for me growing up to be split by my uBPD mother. It's like you're living in some alternate reality in which it is possible to be all-bad and 30 seconds later all-good. Like it would be possible for me to be in two totally opposing states virtually at the same moment in time, almost feels like bending the laws of physics

The reality is that everything is all just a projection from a disordered mind. It can be difficult when others believe these projections, at the same time I also think that people should know that there are always two sides to a story. If people would choose to just believe something negative that has been said about you without any further verification, that also says a lot about them and not just about the person with BPD.

[DearBFF]

Thank you for the response... .we were in the area the other day and I called.  I just wanted to stop in for a minute and to give her a hug... .I knew deep down she was not doing well.  She didn't answer, I didn't expect her to so I wasn't hurt by it just went about my day.  Today I just heard from her a text... .she said she knows we will be friends forever, but she feels it is best to stay isolated right now.  She said she has nothing to offer me, but that she loves me and that I am a great person who truly cares for her.  She also sent me a photo... .she is cutting again.  :'( As far as I knew she had stopped a long time ago, she told me not since high school.  She told me I can't save her that she has to do that herself, which I know.  It pains me to see her in so much pain, but I cannot be there for her if she won't let me.  She knows I am here, she knows I love her, she just doesn't want to hurt me so she keeps her distance.  I am scared for her, but at the same time I know there is nothing I can do.  I am glad she trusted me enough to show me and to reach out to let me know she still cares.

In the future I think I will always be, on guard isn't the right word, but I guess I will know it is possible for her to push me away at any given moment.  Since I knew it was coming this last time I was much more prepared.  It doesn't mean it doesn't hurt, but nothing like before.  I can take her behavior and I can take her distancing, but I do still get sad sometimes and miss her.  I think what's hardest about it for me is just trying to explain it to someone who doesn't get... .  the fact that she treated me that way at the party then he's texting me telling me how much she loves me.  I get it, it's the BPD and she probably couldn't follow the script of it more closely if she tried, even though they are all different.  I see it in her and I know her ups and downs, her mood swings, I see it all as it comes even though I hope for different.

So if she calls in the future I will enter with caution, knowing that the ground is shaky, but sill with an open heart to accept and love her and enjoy her company while I can.  I want to be there when I can, and when she'll let me and I want to allow myself to keep the person she is deep inside in my heart and mind even when she is being the exact opposite.  I'll know I can't be entirely open and keep my expectations non-existant so I won't get let down.  I believe I can just be there... .so we'll see what comes of it.

As for my daughter, I know I will keep her distanced, as she's just about reached her limit.  She loves her, but has been hurt too much.  If we can all get together we will, as I would love for the girls to keep in touch even if just now and then; but it will have to work with our schedule now with my munchkin in school.  Also, no more sleepovers for the girls as they never end well.  Otherwise I will just try to visit her myself now and then when I miss her if she'll let me.  Right now it sounds like she doesn't want me there... .  I know she feels emotionally vulnerable around me and she hates that, so it may be a while before she lets me see her, but I'm not going anywhere.

"bending the laws of physics" exactly!

I have realized exactly what you said about if someone believes something negative about me it says more about them.  The birthday boy's mother, seems nothing but sweet to me and always says "keep in touch" whenever I see her so I know if she has heard anything she doesn't believe it.  Also, when she asked me questions about BFF and I simply said I love BFF unconditionally and didn't go into any detail, the fact that she didn't push me for answers says a lot.  It makes me feel like she is a good person who I may truly stay friends with.  She's nice and I wouldn't mind that one bit.   

[Kwamina]

Hi DearBFF

Today I just heard from her a text... .she said she knows we will be friends forever, but she feels it is best to stay isolated right now.  She said she has nothing to offer me, but that she loves me and that I am a great person who truly cares for her.  She also sent me a photo... .she is cutting again.  :'( As far as I knew she had stopped a long time ago, she told me not since high school.  She told me I can't save her that she has to do that herself, which I know.  It pains me to see her in so much pain, but I cannot be there for her if she won't let me.  She knows I am here, she knows I love her, she just doesn't want to hurt me so she keeps her distance.  I am scared for her, but at the same time I know there is nothing I can do.  I am glad she trusted me enough to show me and to reach out to let me know she still cares.

I am very sorry that your friend is in so much pain. It is very sad that she has these struggles :'(

Also not easy at all for you to receive such a pic of her cutting again. Her text does show some self-insight and also some insight in why she treats you this way. It's almost like she wanted you to not like her anymore which would then make it easier for you not to have contact with her. By hurting you she in her mind might have been trying to protect you. Given that she's uBPD, perhaps this was the best/only way she knew how to handle this situation.

It's clear you care for your friend very much and as hard as it may be, caring for her from a distance indeed might be all you can really do for her. I hope she will be able to sort herself out and get the help she needs. It is never easy knowing and seeing the people we care about are in pain.

[DearBFF]

Kwamina!  Thanks as always for your response! 

I started a new thread, as I'd like to get some suggestions/feedback on the general moving forward.  The short version is she's back, and I'd like to be there, but not become overly attached; especially since she seemingly could take me or leave me.  I guess when I thought I was someone special that's partly where I went wrong, as I'm not, I was just in the right place the right time.

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=284308.msg12681611#msg12681611

I agree with your words, I do think she would like it or it would be easier for her if I just disappeared.  The thing is to me it's almost like tough love thinking about it.  Kind of like "Oh you want to treat me crappy and make me leave, well tough luck I'm not going anywhere!" LOL... .then she has to deal with her behavior, she can't just push me a way as I won't let her.  She's finally realizing that and even said "I guess I'm stuck with you for life... .you're stuck with me too."  I'd love to her put some work into relationship skills, but I don't think she's capable and don't know when/if she will be anytime soon.  She is so good at relationship hopping, whether it be from best friend to boyfriend, or vice versa I cannot see her ever needing to actually deal with the fallout of a relationship hiccup.  Something goes wrong, discard and start over.  The thing is she's so talented at the beginning, people fall head over heals so easily that they're all in before they know it and she's got herself her round the clock nursemaid (horrible to say but that's how it seems from the outside, I myself was one).  Then things start to fall apart and she scrambles to fill their shoes.  I think I've realized though, because of the things she trusts me with; talking to me about her cutting and suicidal thoughts/etc, I believe I've busted the mold.  I don't think she can use me as a replacement anymore, nor replace me as she tries very hard to keep newbies away from the real her; the one I actually know and LOVE best.  So since I know that her, and I'm obviously not going anywhere, it's like I'm a whole new creature she's never seen before.  She's tried to break/tame me with her bad behavior, but it did nothing and now she's stuck with me. LOL... .It's really odd, but it somehow makes me giggle.  Not in a devious way, just in a maybe she'll grow a wee bit.  I know I have... .maybe now it's her turn?  (again not holding my breath, just a thought)