My sister may have BPD

[Help5]

My sister has been exhibiting BPD traits.  She has hacked into my email and Facebook account and read concerns that my family members have about her.  I have tried to confront her about her lies, but to no avail.  She twists everything I say and I have resorted to getting therapy to understand why she does the things that she does.

[Turkish]

Hi Help5,

Interfering with your accounts is a worrying violation. Have you taken steps to keep her out? How long has she been exhibiting BPD traits? Hope to hear more and how we can support you.

Turkish

[Help5]

Hi Turkish,

Thank you for your response.  

I have taken steps to block her from both my email account and my FB account.

My sister (H) was difficult when we were growing up.  She would lie about things, damage our personal items, etc. She has some pretty severe control issues.   I am 4 years younger than she is.  I have an older sister and an older brother as well.  The sister in question has had panic attacks in the past.  Her marriage was rocky for several years, but since I have become her primary target, her negative attention has shifted from her husband to me.

My oldest sister (K) and I had an email conversation 4 years ago in which I expressed concern about H's mental health.  This conversation was read by H when she hacked into my account.  Prior to this exchange, I had approached H in person and told her that I was concerned about her.  Concerned that she was in a negative spiral.  I was told by her that "there's nothing wrong, I'm fine."  I suggested that she embrace the old adage that you have a choice, be right or be happy.  This was met with an angry "but I am happy!"  But I could tell that she was not.  She was bitter and angry in her marriage and has drawn comparisons of how her husband would always go to her son's games and never her daughter's dance recitals, competitions etc.  She has expressed this to her daughter which I find distressing.

Long story short - as my older sister (K) and I try to navigate through this relationship with her we have become frustrated.  I have tried repeated times to resolve this issue to no avail. I felt that at Christmas time this past year we had made headway.  We had a telephone conversation that ended well, a lovely family Christmas followed by a good Easter.  Then, out of the blue, she de-friended my older sister and I from FB.  I approached her and told her that I noticed that K and I had been deleted from her FB account, was there something wrong?  She responded that she was limiting her social networking.  I responded that I could see that K and I were the only ones removed from her account and could she please be truthful in telling me why.  Her response - I don't care about my FB account, so you shouldn't either, you're reading far more into this than necessary.  K called her and asked her why and after an hour of arguing, H admitted that she removed me because she saw something on my FB account that upset her.  It puzzles me that she couldn't have just told me this herself and then we could have moved on.  After that I sought professional help from a therapist.  She feels that H is BPD.  One of the most telling things that she said is "I'll bet you feel after a conversation with her that you're the crazy one!"  and I laughed because it is true!  There are a lot of other things that she has done that are irrational, but it would take hours to write them all out!

The most recent exchange I had with her was to plead with her to take responsibility for her actions and to recognize that what she did (hacking into my FB account, email) was wrong and illegal and yet I am willing to forgive her this if only she would admit that what she did is the root of the problem.  In the past she admitted that she had done it, but said that it was "to protect herself"  I wanted to resolve the issues and move on.  But now she refuses to return my phone calls, even though she asked me specifically to pick up the phone and call her if I had a problem with her.

She twists everything I say, even though I have concrete evidence to the contrary in the form of emails that show the original intent of the message.  

She has drawn her adult kids into this and has told them horrible lies about me.

Yesterday she sent me an email telling me that I am a liar and that she will have no further discussions with me unless it is about family functions.  She also said that I have hurt her and her family.  I have never discussed this with any members of her family.  

I have tried to distance myself in the past from her, but then I have felt bad and approached her because a family function is coming up.  Then something else happens and the drama train continues full speed ahead.

What are your thoughts?

[Auslaunder]

Hi Help,

Individuals with BPD do not recognize boundaries well, such as your personal right to privacy in your email and Facebook. You may need to take additional steps to lock up your personal information than only better security for these accounts. Make sure your diary is well hidden and financial accounts and other IM for example. Are you living with your sister at this time? I'm glad you have a therapist to help you through this. Did they suggest that it might be BPD? The lying is very difficult to deal with. A lot of times those with BPD aren't lying as you or I would lie. It's part of their illness that makes distinguishing and accepting the truth difficult for them. They are projecting or confabulating. Projection is when they take something they don't like about themselves and place the characteristics or feelings onto other people. They will also project things they wish other people thought that would bolster their position onto another person. Confabulating occurs when they reject large sections of the past and must fill it in with something else that happened. Showing them the truth often causes them to rage or become depressed and they feel persecuted by you. Are you learning some ways to communicate more effectively with her? This website has some good resources that might help. Learning the SET technique for example.

[Auslaunder]

Hi Help 

I just read your reply. I see this has been going on for a long time. I'm sorry. If your siblings are on board with it and are helpful, I think you should talk to them about her having BPD and what that implies for her behavior. She is splitting you black right now but that might change in the future. All of your siblings can be available to listen to her problems within reason and with boundaries set and know that what she says is not likely to be true. Having their support will make this much easier. My supportive family members have been able to come to agreements about ways to handle my BPDf that takes into account our individual needs and personalities. There's still plenty of drama but it's observed from the sidelines. If she isn't ruining family events, maybe you want to invite her? It's a personal decision. The siblings she feels closer to right now might take on that role. Guilt isn't a good reason to decide whether or not to invite her.

I would personally refuse to discuss the matter with her children. Involving them is manipulative of your sister by isolating them from other family and making them choose sides. Tell them it's a personal matter, but that you are there for them if they ever need something. I imagine they are suffering with her behavior as well. The guilt and programming by having a BPD parent might make a very normal person stick up for their mother even though they know she's not acting appropriately.Some of them may have problems, personality disorders, though due to her abuse and you might need to be firm.

[Help5]

Thank you for your response.

  I just want some closure on these issues and every time I attempt to resolve it, she responds with such anger, hostility and indignation that I throw up my hands and retreat until I have to deal with her again.  My therapist did say that it is unlikely that she will admit any wrong doing and that she will make me the bad person.

I struggle a bit with being kind to her when she is so awful to me.  I am working on boundaries and for the time being I think it is best to love her from afar