Was your BPD partner physically abusive to you?

[Depression = 72% of members]

Is it common for BPD partners to be physically abusive?

Mine was, but I stayed anyways because I had no idea he had BPD, so I fell for his words.  During the first year of our relationship he choked me a few times, and the 2nd time I had him arrested and he spent the weekend in jail.  If I was wearing a hat during a fight, he would hit the brim so it flew off my head.  He threw dog poop in my face once.  I was sitting on the bed and he picked up the mattress with me on it and threw me on the floor, then threw another mattress on top of me.  He ripped off a cabinet door and threw everything on the kitchen counter onto the floor.  He broke the lid off the garbage can.  He would grab my computer out of my hand and it cut my fingers a few times.  He actually threw my laptop into the lake because he thought I spent too much time on my computer.

[EmptyShell]

Is it common for BPD partners to be physically abusive?

Mine was, but I stayed anyways because I had no idea he had BPD, so I fell for his words.  During the first year of our relationship he choked me a few times, and the 2nd time I had him arrested and he spent the weekend in jail.  If I was wearing a hat during a fight, he would hit the brim so it flew off my head.  He threw dog poop in my face once.  I was sitting on the bed and he picked up the mattress with me on it and threw me on the floor, then threw another mattress on top of me.  He ripped off a cabinet door and threw everything on the kitchen counter onto the floor.  He broke the lid off the garbage can.  He would grab my computer out of my hand and it cut my fingers a few times.  He actually threw my laptop into the lake because he thought I spent too much time on my computer.

[Herodias]

That's awful! Do you now wonder why you stayed... .or was it fear to leave. Mine was fear to leave due to finances... .I am actually better off! Yes, mine played with knives and guns! he threatened me with them. He held me hostage in a closet a few times with him in it with me- not for very long, but enough to make me think he was threatening me. He held me on the floor with his hand over my mouth and put a pillow over my face. Threatened me with a gun that night. He spent a week in jail as NO ONE would get him out... .just made him more mad at me! I wish that "wishing" would make them the nice side only and always... .but abusers have to be nice to keep their victims around at all. I hope you never go back... .I get divorced in Jan. I am emotionally a wreck, but trying to move on. He is no good- more of the narcissist side of BPD as I am figuring out. He will not change and I can tell he is starting the behavior with his next victim. Some of these people eventually do end up locked up if they can't control themselves. Be safe... .it is not love- it is abuse!

[Teereese]

Twice, once very early on. He smacked me across the face. I broke up with him but reconciled.

The second time was when I told him that he should leave and I would no longer live in his world. He pushed me once, hard. I had a well balanced stance and didn't fall, so he tried again. I did not fall again. He was beyond himself with anger.  

I told him he was warned to never put his hands on me ages ago. I just left and went to work so that he could move out. I was so done.

He must have thought I called the police because he called his employer and told them he was going to kill himself and then went ghost. His employer called the 911, the police were looking for him for some time. I found a note telling me "You can have it all, what I want no longer exists" and he left all of his medications to make sure I knew he was threatening suicide.

Over the years, he would exhibit threatening body language and posture. He attempted veiled threats towards me. He would threaten our pets. Really, he was a bully. He would get in my face, stick his chest out, yell and scream as spittle would fly, bang things, punch things, break things, slam doors, squeal his tires for the entire length of the street as he peeled off.

[EmptyShell]

Twice, once very early on. He smacked me across the face. I broke up with him but reconciled.

The second time was when I told him that he should leave and I would no longer live in his world. He pushed me once, hard. I had a well balanced stance and didn't fall, so he tried again. I did not fall again. He was beyond himself with anger.  

I told him he was warned to never put his hands on me ages ago. I just left and went to work so that he could move out. I was so done.

He must have thought I called the police because he called his employer and told them he was going to kill himself and then went ghost. His employer called the 911, the police were looking for him for some time. I found a note telling me "You can have it all, what I want no longer exists" and he left all of his medications to make sure I knew he was threatening suicide.

Over the years, he would exhibit threatening body language and posture. He attempted veiled threats towards me. He would threaten our pets. Really, he was a bully. He would get in my face, stick his chest out, yell and scream as spittle would fly, bang things, punch things, break things, slam doors, squeal his tires for the entire length of the street as he peeled off.

 


Wow, sounds a lot like my ex who also is on the narcissistic side.  How long were you with him?

[EmptyShell]

That's awful! Do you now wonder why you stayed... .or was it fear to leave. Mine was fear to leave due to finances... .I am actually better off! Yes, mine played with knives and guns! he threatened me with them. He held me hostage in a closet a few times with him in it with me- not for very long, but enough to make me think he was threatening me. He held me on the floor with his hand over my mouth and put a pillow over my face. Threatened me with a gun that night. He spent a week in jail as NO ONE would get him out... .just made him more mad at me! I wish that "wishing" would make them the nice side only and always... .but abusers have to be nice to keep their victims around at all. I hope you never go back... .I get divorced in Jan. I am emotionally a wreck, but trying to move on. He is no good- more of the narcissist side of BPD as I am figuring out. He will not change and I can tell he is starting the behavior with his next victim. Some of these people eventually do end up locked up if they can't control themselves. Be safe... .it is not love- it is abuse!

I'm not going back this time. I stayed because I didn't realize he was mentally ill and I believed the words he told me... .that I was the love of his life, that I would find no one like him, no one will ever care for me like he does, blah blah. 

[toddinrochester]

Mine was never ever abusive physically. I dated the "quiet" or "waif" borderline. Everything else minus the abuse was present. Makes it hard to not miss the person actually. I wonder if she was abusive I could look at that bad times and it would be an easier pill to swallow. Don't know... .

[Herodias]

Todd, yes, I would think it would be much harder without the physical abuse... .but mental abuse is not good either. You may have been being abused and didn't realize it. Gas lighting, lying and manipulation is abuse as well.

[toddinrochester]

I agree. I am not sure on the cheating part yet. Our relationship phases went so fast that I am thinking she might have, but at this point I would rather not know and move forward.

[Michelle27]

I had a cup of hot coffee thrown at me and remote control flung at top speed in my direction (it missed me and also just missed our young daughter).  My first marriage was physically abusive but this relationship to my uBPDh was by far more painful and disturbing.  The emotional abuse hurt far worse.

[Teereese]

Wow, sounds a lot like my ex who also is on the narcissistic side.  How long were you with him?

There is some narcissism there for sure.

We have been married 21 years. I bent everyway possible to make it work but he was never willing to get past the hump of putting the hard work in. He may not have the capability, idk.

We attempted counseling many times with him refusing to continue when he felt uncomfortable. He wanted the counselors to fix me, tell me it was my fault. At one point, he had a counselor he trusted, as much as he could, but wanted the counselor to fix him. He looked externally for fixes. He looked externally for everything really.

He was hospitalized, diagnosed and on meds for a short while but refused to continue because he didn't feel like himself.

Hopefully divorced before year 22.

Our daughters are in their late teens. I feel as though he began to spiral once he realized they would be flying the coop soon. As they grew and became more independent, he began to target them. He saw their lessened need for him as slights against him instead of their growing up.

I was proud of their growth and independence. He was scared of it, tried to stunt them.

[Teereese]

I had a cup of hot coffee thrown at me and remote control flung at top speed in my direction (it missed me and also just missed our young daughter).  My first marriage was physically abusive but this relationship to my uBPDh was by far more painful and disturbing.  The emotional abuse hurt far worse.

I can relate and agree. My UstbxBPDh specialized in emotional and verbal abuse.

[Teereese]

Todd, yes, I would think it would be much harder without the physical abuse... .but mental abuse is not good either. You may have been being abused and didn't realize it. Gas lighting, lying and manipulation is abuse as well.

The gas lighting, lying and manipulation was hard for me to deal with because I doubted myself and felt crazy at times.

[toddinrochester]

She tried to tell me one time that I was pushing her away and then blaming her for pushing me away. I didn't buy it I think she realized that. But yet we met for a movie one night and I went and got her roses and apologized for how wrong I handled things. I remember sitting in that parking lot thinking to myself what am I doing here? I did nothing wrong but I want this right so I am going to buy roses for her. We walked through the movie theater I in her arm feeling like a million bucks and her saying "You really are such a good guy" and "When we are together I forget all the doubts I have about us". Things that sounded cute at the time and were exactly what I needed to hear. I am still sometimes in shock with who I became.

[Michelle27]

Todd, yes, I would think it would be much harder without the physical abuse... .but mental abuse is not good either. You may have been being abused and didn't realize it. Gas lighting, lying and manipulation is abuse as well.

The gas lighting, lying and manipulation was hard for me to deal with because I doubted myself and felt crazy at times.

This is why I think the verbal and emotional abuse can be worse than physical.  At least (and I use that term loosely) with physical abuse, you see it coming and then it's over.  Emotional abuse is like invisible jabs that  play with your mind and self confidence.

[coletown11]

In our last big fight mine punched me several times, once in the face, and pulled my hair. i kind of just stupidly shrugged it off.

She then went on to somehow convince me that i was the physically abusive one. i have never hit anyone or anything in my life. a few days later she started quizzing me on all of the physical altercations in the history of my family. she asked me if my parents ever hit me. i told her that i was disciplined with a slap twice in high school, she then got mad at me and said that i am normalizing a clear pattern of physical abuse in my family.

she then asked me if my dad ever hit my mom, i told her absolutely not. she then said "how do you know that?" i said that no one in my family has ever seen or said anything, they had a very normal loving relationship, and i hadnt seen or heard anything and i had lived with my parents longer than my siblings. she then said "you havent lived with your parents longer than your siblings." so then i had to explain all the math to her to prove to her that i had lived with my parents longer than my siblings. of course after all of that she says again "how do you really know your dad never hit your mom?"

this is when i was totally in the fog and she actually had gotten me to question whether my father actually mightve been physically abusive. pretty solid gaslighting there.

when she broke up with me pretty much out of the blue, her breakup line was "i cant be in long term relationship with you because im afraid that someday down the line you will hit me" i was dumbfounded.

btw, she had mentioned several times that her and her mother had a really awful relationship, especially when she was younger, like in high school, and that her mom hit her many times, and a previous boyfriend had as well. i dont know whether anything she said is true or not, i met her mom and she seemed very friendly, but it seems clear that there is some history she has that was being projected on to me.

one of the hardest things in getting over this is the fact that she actually had me believe that i was the abusive one. i am so glad i did enough searching afterwards and found out about emotional abuse, gaslighting, BPD, and this site.

[hopealways]

Other than the "waif" borderline, all other borderlines seem to be physically abusive. Male victims just rarely report it so we don't hear about it as much.

[didIdorightthing]

Yes three times this year, mobile phone thrown (albeit not voilently) in my face and managed to break my nose, keys thrown at my head, cut head but could hide that. Then 4 weeks ago after ripping up my clothes he hit me with a coat hanger, not to mention the other property of mine he has damaged. He has always had a voilent streak. I must have been the unlucky one who got hurt. I was enabling him though, by leaving it forced him to finally work out what was wrong. I have not stopped reading about BPD. So much of his behaviour makes sense.  Now it's a greiving period. This bit is hard !

[LifeIsBeautiful]

Yes. Punched, kicked, spit at, slapped, flying cup of coffee, smashed computer, smashed windscreen, torn shirts. Some of those in public too. The list is long enough, and it helps to remind me the reason why I left. Called the cops a few times, because I was worried I'd lose it and retaliated against her. And the knife attack, though just suffered a cut, was definitely the highlight. Forgive perhaps, but not forget.

[scgator]

Yep, on about 3 occasions. First one had me in shock - scratch to the face, bite marks, and she put her hands on my throat, ripped my shirt and broke a necklace I've had since high school, but no hitting. Second time was pushing, burnt my arm with a cigarette when I grabbed her wrist, and a kick to the legs - after that I said never put your hands on me again. Third time was pushing and threw a lighter that hit me in the face. The only thing I did to defend myself was to move out after the third occurrence.

[goateeki]

She tried to tell me one time that I was pushing her away and then blaming her for pushing me away. I didn't buy it I think she realized that. But yet we met for a movie one night and I went and got her roses and apologized for how wrong I handled things. I remember sitting in that parking lot thinking to myself what am I doing here? I did nothing wrong but I want this right so I am going to buy roses for her. We walked through the movie theater I in her arm feeling like a million bucks and her saying "You really are such a good guy" and "When we are together I forget all the doubts I have about us". Things that sounded cute at the time and were exactly what I needed to hear. I am still sometimes in shock with who I became.

I'm going through this now, after ending a nineteen year marriage to a diagnosed pwBPD.  The thing that allows me the perspective to see what I became, what I thought was normal, is the person I've been with for the past year.  Experiencing a normal, healthy, caring relationship with a person who is happy with who I am and wants me in her life is completely changing my view of the relationship I had to end.  And I really felt that I had to. I had no choice.

For me, the more complex issue -- and I'll try to describe this as best I can -- is trying to figure out if my diagnosed pwBPD ex wife's gradually escalating criticism, which then became a constant part of the marriage, which then became utterly destructive, relationship-ending statements by her, were all part of some master plan, or if this is for her the inevitable track of all intimate relationships. 

I am objective about who I am and my behavior. I'm a fairly diligent, conscientious person who does his best to be a hardworking, responsible, nice guy.  I don't have and never have had a gambling or substance abuse problem, and I was scrupulously faithful to my ex wife.  I have been told that I am a considerate, even keeled, steady person. I am also as imperfect as every one of us. 

But I was subjected to literally constant criticism in my marriage, and it escalated to a level that, had my ex wife been a man, probably would have expressed itself through wife beating.  Her words were quite the equivalent of that.

I have asked my therapist how she could have done this without her conscience kicking in and saying "Stop, this is wrong."  The things that he told me about people "with her makeup" were startling and disturbing.  In essence, no, there is no voice that kicks in and says stop.  That thing that tells us what's right and wrong shuts off for these people in the area of intimate relationships.  There is no intimate relationship that can succeed. With them, all intimate relationships are preordained failures. 

Sometimes when I consider that all that I had to deal with was actually a genuine expression of who she is, I can't help but really, really dislike her and dislike myself for having stood by her for 19 years.

And yes, there was physical abuse. Punching, throwing objects, even brandishing a kitchen knife (which she denies ever happened), all of which I found excuses for. 

[Gonzalo]

My ex- was not physically abusive through the relationship with one exception, but I suspect it's because she's learned to keep it in check. There was an occasion at the end where she backed me into a corner and was shouting at me and getting in my face, and I was pretty sure she was going to hit me. I managed to talk her down by repeating over and over that I couldn't talk with her in my face, and she seemed to lose interest in the argument. That incident, and a few comments about prior relationships, make me think that she had a tendency towards violence against a partner that she held in check.

[greenmonkey]

Only once did she rage so badly, after I found her on a dating site only two weeks after we had the discussion about how much she hurt me when that last happened.

She raged, broke items, claiming there were hers so she could them  , then she got into my personal space a number of times, made threats against me of violence etc. I did what I was trained to do at work, remain passive, calm. She then started moving stuff out the garage as that was where she was going to live. At that point after the threats, and getting her raging face against mine, I called the police, who arrived pretty quickly.

She received a police caution, which is still in force now.

Like Gonzalo I think she had a tendency towards violent behaviour that had be kept under control for a while.

Stupidly I allowed her back after that - due to sobs and manipulation, but after that she was on borrowed time. I eventually removed her 5 months later with a reminder to her that her police caution was in force and I would not hesitate to use it

[SummerStorm]

My former friend BPD was physically abusive to her boyfriend.  He stated that she "punched the hell" out of him.   The first time was a few weeks after she moved in with him.  Then, it just got worse from there.  Once, she told him that he was worse than an ex who had pushed her head through a wall (no idea if that story is even true).

She was emotionally abusive to me.  She tried to gaslight me a few weeks ago.  It was actually a really pathetic attempt. 

[English Sid]

During the last few months/weeks of my relationship, my ex seemed to lose it big time, she would come at me with meat cleavers, fists as well as throwing tantrums, very scary.

She even slept with a meat cleaver under her pillow.

It got to the point were I did not trust her at all and the last couple of weeks I would not even let her cook food for me.