Never imagined I'd be here. Ready to call it quits.

[starfish4455]

Last night I told my significant other with traits of BPD that I think we needed to break up.  It was the first time I said it out loud. And it was very hard for me to do.  Here's my story.

I'm in my mid 30s. I am largely a secure emotional being. I've had a few long term relationships in my past, with a good idea of what a stable relationship looks like. However, I believe I have some tendency to white knight, and in some cases have chosen relationships or friendships because I thought I could help.

I don't think my partner has "BPD" the diagnosable thing, but rather traits of BPD. Which is important to me, because I think if the more extreme behaviors were present it never would have gone this far. Its also important because for some reason not qualifying exactly may have kept me from taking the behaviors and their impact on my life as seriously.

I have been in the relationship for about 14 months.

I noticed red flags in the relationship early on some of them were:

- Emotional outbursts that did not make sense given the circumstances

- Overly dramatic response to important and unimportant decision making

- A rage week that included threats to end the relationship

- Mutual infatuation or honeymoon period

- Desire from partner to move relationship faster than I was comfortable.

- A complicated sexual relationship

- Gaslighting (a new word to me as of this relationship)

- Partner had no long term relationships even beyond a month or two

I did not recognize these as red flags immediately because I had not encountered the behavior before. I also did not want to see them because I had a vision for the relationship and believed in some way that I could either learn to live with them or could help my partner correct them.

I learned terminology and about the patterns of people with BPD or traits of BPD from these forums. I found them when I googled "emotionally unstable" after some traumatic instance that left me searching for answers. I was surprised to find that there was a pattern match, but also elated to think I had a lead for how I could fix things.

I love my partner with traits of BPD. Very much. At least that's what I say and think. My partner can be so kind, thoughtful and loving. Sometimes my partner takes care of me in a way that makes me feel so good, they can be funny and loving and comforting. My partner is physically attractive and I am attracted to my partner. My partner has a good job and functions well when they are on their own.

I am a problem solver, and part of my profession is dealing with near impossible business challenges that can have tremendous upside if worked out. My mom says you can't marry your work, but somehow that is the road I have been heading down.

During periods of stability, I don't see it as being painted white. It feels more like "normal" like how I would expect a regular relationship to be. I'm not being lavished with attention, just things are working as I'd expect a relationship to be. Similarly, when there is conflict, I don't feel like I'm painted black, more that my partner is experiencing problems that are making them behave inappropriately.

I was able to get my partner to begin therapy, and have never directly named BPD. We've read books together about attachment and even done a couples workshop weekend.

However, there continues to be a deep underlying emotional disturbance in my partner. They have denied any message of sexual abuse, but one of my partner's parents was very critical, had health problems and denied normal emotional expression to my partner when they were a child.

The reason I'm posting is because I feel in some ways my relationship is unique. It feels like it "almost works" but in typing this up, I realize just how not working it has actually been. It also isn't as extreme as many other posts here, and I almost feel like since it is in a way 'toned down' from other folks experiences, maybe I should just suck it up and make it work.

But I'm starting to lose myself in the relationship. I've given so much energy to it, already fell out of touch with good friends who have been subtlety alienated directly or indirectly by the needs of my partner. I am so regularly on the defense that it has affected my own confidence, and I can start to feel the edges of losing the spark and excitement who I am.

These forums have been both useful and also hard for me to read over the past several months. Reading them has sometimes made me want to end the relationship, but it has also allowed me to see things for what they are and that I'm sometimes being emotionally abused.

I never thought I would be the victim and sometimes enabler of emotional abuse. But I realize now that I have been. I shouldn't be embarrassed but somehow, in some way I am.  I sometimes see things that I have genuinely done wrong in the relationship. But they don't add up the the experience I've had.

I believe my partner knows very well that they have either BPD or something similar. Perhaps someone has told them in the past. But naming it or being forward about it has never happened. It is addressed only at its edges, and when I've tried to focus on it, it is typically deflected as being a relationship problem.

I'm talking with my close friends and some family finally telling them about what I've said here. They are supportive.

Each discussion helps me feel resolute about my decision to break up. But I fear how I'll make the next days and weeks happen to get to a thorough separation. I'm afraid of the steps and how much hurt there could be.

I am in the process of getting a therapist to help me sort out my feelings and reinforce positive decisions for me.

After all of the above, I feel almost bad sharing my story. I love my partner and I would be mortified if they found out I wrote about our relationship in this way. I also question my own decision because I want it to work so badly. I very much want a loving and long term relationship and want it to be my partner. I believe that these may be the words of a victim. And a part of me denies I am exactly that.

I have seen such great support here, and I hope that this post gets through to someone else who is in a similar situation.

[Soccerchic7]

I really understood where you are coming from. I also would see the positive in my partner and hold onto those gestures done for me to help me justify staying during the emotionally draining times. However, why is there such a cost for love.  I can spot red flags in anyone else's relationships with an almost uncanny knack but not my own. I vascillate between really close and then during the what I call testing phase I want to run for the hills. I'm emotionally wiped and have nothing left for my friends who see me as a social ninja. Any time someone comes over to see me or my children's friends visits, that is when he is having a hard time making it tense and awkward. He tells the kids to Stop any time they are angry and can't help them sort out emotion (no ability to mirror), and is kind and loving when I pull away. Man I want to divorce soo bad but then will be lured back by promises to change or immense guilt that he can't afford to live on his own. We have been married over 10 years and he still earns a little over minimum wage while I have grown substantially in my career field. How do I detach with love given how financially dependent he is?

[unicorn2014]

Hi starfish and welcome to BPD family!  I hope you can find the answers you are looking for. BPD is a cluster of 9 traits and only requires 5 to be diagnosed so BPD can look very different from one person to the next. In addition a person may not have enough traits to be diagnosed, however they traits they do have may be very strong. Are you familiar with the 9 traits of BPD?

[Lucky Jim]

After all of the above, I feel almost bad sharing my story. I love my partner and I would be mortified if they found out I wrote about our relationship in this way.

Hey starfish, No need to be embarrassed about sharing.  We've all been there, my friend.  Why would writing on an anonymous forum be threatening to your SO?  What is it about your r/s that makes you fearful "if they found out"?  To me, that suggests a red flag.   

Think about it: those in a healthy r/s are unworried about what their partner might say or write, in my view, which leads me to believe that your gut feeling might be right about BPD.

LuckyJim

[starfish4455]

I really understood where you are coming from. I also would see the positive in my partner and hold onto those gestures done for me to help me justify staying during the emotionally draining times. However, why is there such a cost for love.

I think this is a question I have been asking myself. And given how early our relationship is, it seems easier now than when we have a marriage or children to make a change. Thank you for the kind words of support.

Hi starfish and welcome to BPD family!  I hope you can find the answers you are looking for. BPD is a cluster of 9 traits and only requires 5 to be diagnosed so BPD can look very different from one person to the next. In addition a person may not have enough traits to be diagnosed, however they traits they do have may be very strong. Are you familiar with the 9 traits of BPD?

Thank you for the welcome.  

I did not realize that there were 9 symptoms. Although, I have read so much about BPD. After looking specifically at two lists of the 9, I'm afraid to say my partner clearly has demonstrated 6 of the 9 traits.  A seventh can be interpreted from language my partner has used on occasion.  I think I've been trying go avoid labeling my partner with BPD, both because of the stigma and because I have not wanted to face the realities of this extremely challenging condition.

Hey starfish, No need to be embarrassed about sharing.  We've all been there, my friend.  Why would writing on an anonymous forum be threatening to your SO?

The internet is forever, and this is just so personal. I really don't want my partner to ever know I consulted a public forum for help.  I think this drive to conceal the nature of the illness is not helpful, because it is keeping the condition underground. It is keeping people like me from identifying it earlier and possibly slowing down people from getting treatment they need.

As a side note, I actually feel it is a serious societal problem that mental illness is hidden and stigmatized. It must change for us to progress as a society.

As an update to my post, I'm taking a week to allow things to cool down with my partner. (Partly in response to a request from their therapist.)

However, I am fairly confident that this is not something that I can support.  I am willing to do the separation in a way that causes the least pain.  I think this may still be hard, but I'm going to try to do my best for this person who I love, but can not stay with.

[starfish4455]

I took a some time to search for some videos online discussing BPD. In one of the videos I learned about two types of BPD, which are Classic and Quiet.

I did realize there was such a thing as the 'quiet' borderline until now. I researched this and found a commonly reprinted text from a counselor describing a silent treatment. (I don't know the linking policies of this site but hope that is okay.

This is actually a dead-on description of the most serious issue in my relationship with my partner. My partner commonly uses silence in a way that has made me very upset. I have said in the past that I felt it was a form of punishment. I believe it is that, but also offers a sense of relief (in some way) to my partner as described in the linked text.

Reading it so clearly described in relation to BPD has given me new insight into what is going on.

I believe not knowing about this quiet type is part of the reason I did not recognize so much of what is commonly posted in these forums. Again, I feel like I had previously done research to understand BPD, but now realize that was incomplete.

This does not make me feel much better about the situation, but it does help me understand my partner better.

If there is anyone out there who has experienced similar situation, having a quiet BPD or has more information or insight into this type, I would appreciate the information and connection.

My main challenge now is how to do my best for my partner, while also moving to separate.

[unicorn2014]

I took a some time to search for some videos online discussing BPD. In one of the videos I learned about two types of BPD, which are Classic and Quiet.

I did realize there was such a thing as the 'quiet' borderline until now. I researched this and found a commonly reprinted text from a counselor describing a silent treatment. (I don't know the linking policies of this site but hope that is okay.

This is actually a dead-on description of the most serious issue in my relationship with my partner. My partner commonly uses silence in a way that has made me very upset. I have said in the past that I felt it was a form of punishment. I believe it is that, but also offers a sense of relief (in some way) to my partner as described in the linked text.

Reading it so clearly described in relation to BPD has given me new insight into what is going on.

I believe not knowing about this quiet type is part of the reason I did not recognize so much of what is commonly posted in these forums. Again, I feel like I had previously done research to understand BPD, but now realize that was incomplete.

This does not make me feel much better about the situation, but it does help me understand my partner better.

If there is anyone out there who has experienced similar situation, having a quiet BPD or has more information or insight into this type, I would appreciate the information and connection.

My main challenge now is how to do my best for my partner, while also moving to separate.

Hi Starfish, I may not be the best example, because I openly confront my partner when I think he's giving me the silent treatment or when he's punishing me. We used to get into fights over it as he would deny the behavior. I tried to keep it focused on I messages, so he couldn't argue with my feelings. He rarely treats me that way anymore so even though it was high conflict, my method seems to have solved the problem for the most part. We actually talked about this with my therapist, about stonewalling, which may be different then the silent treatment.

I also share your concerns about writing anonymously in an open forum and it is the best way to get help. We are all in this together. By posting about your problem you allow other people to give you solutions that you might not be able to come up with on your own. I can tell that you really care about your partner and your relationship. I hope that you are able to find something here that gives you some insight into the trouble at hand. 

[starfish4455]

We actually talked about this with my therapist, about stonewalling, which may be different then the silent treatment.

I believe they are the same thing, with the same intent. I also would call it out, but never could get through. My partner was very effective at this.

I also share your concerns about writing anonymously in an open forum and it is the best way to get help. We are all in this together. By posting about your problem you allow other people to give you solutions that you might not be able to come up with on your own.

The dialog has been really helpful, because some part of me is actively trying to not deal with the problem. I've already learned more about what is going on because I shared my story and listened to the responses and thought more about it.

I can tell that you really care about your partner and your relationship. I hope that you are able to find something here that gives you some insight into the trouble at hand.

Thank you. I think it is hard to realize that in some respect I care about my partner in a different way than they care about me. It makes me sad, realizing that in some respect the love is an illusion. I know I'm deserving of authentic love.

While I'm giving my partner "a week" as requested by my partner and their therapist, I do not want to recycle the relationship. We live together and I need a plan now for either moving out or having my partner move out. I'm going to make a plan for both scenarios.  

I'm now looking at the Lessons thread from Leaving, and am going to try to internalize the points made there.