What's his game?

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

It's been a whirl wind of emotions and a heck of a year. For the most we haven't been talking.

Last November I told him I'd had enough and if he really cared he wouldn't treat me the way he does. He said "nice knowing you" and blocked me.

A couple weeks later he was with a girl he said he'd always loved, they lasted six months.  I understand now the relationship was on and off all the time.

He told me they split as mutual agreement. He also told me his doctor thinks he might have BPD (sigh of relief from me) I told him I'd thought that for a long time.   He was planning to go on a weeks' holiday and then when he got back to meet someone who would diagnose him. (A referral from his doctor he said)

Well... .The week's holiday away turned into four months.  I know on his return he tried to make contact with his ex but she doesn't want to know. He's messaged me and phoned... .And came into work to see me out of the blue.   I feel reluctant and afraid to get close from past experiences with him.

In his phone call he said oh it's not BPD its diabetes that have caused my mood swings and blackouts.  He started going on about animal and human insulin.  It's like he has to have and excuse for his behaviour and he can't take responsibility. I think that's why he said BPD now diabetes so he's the victim?

I feel gutted, like I'm back to square one with him.  I know none of his family are talking to him (apart from his dad). He only loses it (temper) pwith people he gets close to.   I was always going from black to white with him but he didn't with this girl he got aggressive with her many times though. She's a lot stronger and confident than I am though (Note i was never more than friends with him).

I don't understand why he's making an effort with me. He's told me he's tried to make contact with this girl and he wants to clear the air he said she wrote on a piece of paper once that she loved him and now she's not talking to him?  She left her 9yr relationship to be with him (she lived next door to his parents) with her fella and kids. I heard he use to ring her when her bloke was at work!

He said she was his best friend and I Said yes and you use to say I was too. Then he said there were different levels of best friends and he had five. Last year he said he had three and she wasn't even mentioned.    He seems very forgetful about what he's lying about... .

He's blaming his family for the breakup and upset she's believed HIS family over him.  It's all to do with past and the sort of man he was. Problem is he I never know what's true and what isn't!

I don't understand what part I play in all this? I don't know the girl very well at all. What's his game with me? Am I just some sort of supply?   

[PinkPoker]

It's been a whirl wind of emotions and a heck of a year. For the most we haven't been talking.

Last November I told him I'd had enough and if he really cared he wouldn't treat me the way he does. He said "nice knowing you" and blocked me.

A couple weeks later he was with a girl he said he'd always loved, they lasted six months.  I understand now the relationship was on and off all the time.

He told me they split as mutual agreement. He also told me his doctor thinks he might have BPD (sigh of relief from me) I told him I'd thought that for a long time.   He was planning to go on a weeks' holiday and then when he got back to meet someone who would diagnose him. (A referral from his doctor he said)

Well... .The week's holiday away turned into four months.  I know on his return he tried to make contact with his ex but she doesn't want to know. He's messaged me and phoned... .And came into work to see me out of the blue.   I feel reluctant and afraid to get close from past experiences with him.

In his phone call he said oh it's not BPD its diabetes that have caused my mood swings and blackouts.  He started going on about animal and human insulin.  It's like he has to have and excuse for his behaviour and he can't take responsibility. I think that's why he said BPD now diabetes so he's the victim?

I feel gutted, like I'm back to square one with him.  I know none of his family are talking to him (apart from his dad). He only loses it (temper) pwith people he gets close to.   I was always going from black to white with him but he didn't with this girl he got aggressive with her many times though. She's a lot stronger and confident than I am though (Note i was never more than friends with him).

I don't understand why he's making an effort with me. He's told me he's tried to make contact with this girl and he wants to clear the air he said she wrote on a piece of paper once that she loved him and now she's not talking to him?  She left her 9yr relationship to be with him (she lived next door to his parents) with her fella and kids. I heard he use to ring her when her bloke was at work!

He said she was his best friend and I Said yes and you use to say I was too. Then he said there were different levels of best friends and he had five. Last year he said he had three and she wasn't even mentioned.    He seems very forgetful about what he's lying about... .

He's blaming his family for the breakup and upset she's believed HIS family over him.  It's all to do with past and the sort of man he was. Problem is he I never know what's true and what isn't!

I don't understand what part I play in all this? I don't know the girl very well at all. What's his game with me? Am I just some sort of supply?   

[valet]

That does sound like a heck of a year, PinkPoker. I can see how it's emotionally difficult for you.

A pwBPD will have rapidly fluctuating emotions. Your ex is probably seeing all of these people (yourself included) as solutions to the problem of actually sitting down and facing himself and his own behaviors. This does represent a lack of personal accountability on his part, and I certainly wouldn't advise anyone that was aware of these red flags to pursue a relationship with a partner that behaved in those ways.

I doubt this is a game, however. It probably seems all very real to your pwBPD, even the things that we might perceive as lies.

What do you think it is that causes you to think about him in these ways?

[PinkPoker]

I think you're right that he can't sit down and face where he's gone wrong.  The friendship is exhausting and for whatever reason I have always been there for him.  This time I've decided not to let him walk all over me and although he's done nothing wrong I probably have now. 

He tried to ring me yesterday and I didn't answer or ring back... .Now I know I'm going to get the silent treatment as I always use to.    I have most likely gone round this the wrong way and am already regretting it. I did message him today to wish a family member of his happy birthday. No reply obviously!

Do I now just wait the 2/3 weeks until he contacts me or do I message and explain I don't why I didn't answer his call?  Although I realise it's normally nothing to do with me and all to do with him! I care about him but I'm so scared of getting hurt again. ;-(

[valet]

Yeah, there's definitely a big difference between being there for someone and letting them walk all over you. I think it can easily get confused when we become too enmeshed with our partner.

If I were you I'd let it be. There's no need poking at the situation when you could be spending time doing things for yourself! I know these friendships are hard from personal experience and that it is especially difficult not to obsess over whether or not you've made a decision that threatens the friendship. I'll put it this way though: my pwBPD is a person, and so is yours. They are people first, diagnosis, suspicion of the disorder, or not. I've made mistakes with my ex and things have been pretty much all right, even though our romantic relationship ended. People make mistakes. It's alright to!  

So, what do you want our of your friendship with him?

[PinkPoker]

To be honest after my post I texted again apologising for missing his call and said I didn't see it on my call list (I hate lying). He then replied straight away and said he'd ring me. Which he did later on that evening.

Deep down I think I've always thought I could help him and fix him but I know now I can't.  He's a mess after his ex doesn't want anything else to do when him. He's not blaming her but he's told me several different stories about why the've split up and I don't think he has a clue what he's saying and when and how rediculous it sounds.  He can't handle rejection and will not admit or hold himself responsible. Too painful? 

My issue is how controlling he is. If I don't jump when he says how high then that's it and he knows how to hurt me. He knows how to turn people against me.  I feel almost obligated to be his friend because if I'm not he'll turn people against me and make my life hell at any social things we do... .   He has more of a strong influence and presence than I do.

[valet]

It sounds like you're very concerned about being well-liked in your friend group. I get that. It's totally normal. I don't know anyone that wants to be hated by the people that they care about.

I understand how much of a mess this all seems to be for you. It's difficult. How is anyone supposed to sort the pieces after the puzzle gets knocked off of the table, and who even wants to try? I know that in my experience I have had (and still do, to some degree) a lack of motivation concerning understanding my own roll in everything.

Why do you say that he has a stronger influence than you?

[PinkPoker]

I'm concerned about lots of things, being liked is certainly one of my 'issues' I guess. However I am an empath and so I feel a lot of emotional stuff which is the complete opposite to the friend in question.  I wish I didn't care about him or have the same social circles... .  At the end of my last post I'm basically saying he wears a mask and so others don't see what I've seen or what anyone close to him has seen.  He keeps most at a safe distance (he's even told me that).   He can makes friends in a flash but keeping them is a different matter entirely.

I sense right now (I am quite good at reading people) that it's too painful for him to admit he is at fault so instead he is blaming anything and everyone else for his mistakes.   He was horrible to me once and it took months for us to meet and talk but when we did he said "I said some bad things and I can't take them back".  That was probably the only slight apology I've ever had and there was after he'd been quite low and depressed for a couple months.   Most often than not I've got the blame for his anger or if I get the silent treatment which happens more than anything else then he'll contact me three weeks later with no mention of cutting me off or ignoring my messages.

I spoke to a friend the other day and he said I need to be stronger. So right now I'm letting my friend make the effort of contacting me but I know there are far more boundaries I need to set without being scared of the consequences... .Wish I wasn't so weak