Moving Forward or maybe not

[Depression = 72% of members]

The crazy times continue. I've been back at home for 10 days after a DV episode which had seen me leave home for 2 weeks. May I add that he hasn't had any alcohol since the night of the domestic violence.

As we all well knew what would happen... .the first 9 days of my return saw a honeymoon period where I was painted white.

Then following a money discussion today, I was suddenly painted black again and accused of things he had felt were wrong about the split up (divorce) that he had been initiating . These were purely his feelings and projections onto me. I am at a point that though I would rather stay in our home and try to work things out... .I am also at a point where I am willing to just split our assets and go our separate ways. So in this light I actually JADEd. He was intent on making me out the villain by doing figures on pieces of paper. I was finding it very hard to understand his reasoning and he was bullying.

Suddenly I saw what he was doing, he was projecting his own thoughts onto me and accusing me of not taking the whole mortgage into account with the figures. When I could stop shaking actually all I had to say was that we are each responsible for half. (I know this is hard to follow but if you can bear with me in the spirit of what I am trying to say)

Anyway he got it! He saw on paper wrong he had been. ! He realised he had been bullying and carrying on just days after he had punched me, expecting completely accurate figures when I didn't even have access to a computer and trying to bully me into his way of thinking today.

Then he retreated into another room with the door pulled almost shut.

I said something like " it has been a very tense time and we have both made errors with the figures" He couldn't look at me and replied " you have had a lot to put up with and yet you have remained positive" I said something like "Yes and I hope we can continue to work on things"

I have now left him alone. I don't know what the result will be when he emerges from what I guess is a shaming time for him. Perhaps he will call it off again, saying that I deserve better, Who the Hell knows, I have no idea.

Thanks for listening. I am re reading the lessons and trying to set boundaries but it is hard.

[townhouse]

The crazy times continue. I've been back at home for 10 days after a DV episode which had seen me leave home for 2 weeks. May I add that he hasn't had any alcohol since the night of the domestic violence.

As we all well knew what would happen... .the first 9 days of my return saw a honeymoon period where I was painted white.

Then following a money discussion today, I was suddenly painted black again and accused of things he had felt were wrong about the split up (divorce) that he had been initiating . These were purely his feelings and projections onto me. I am at a point that though I would rather stay in our home and try to work things out... .I am also at a point where I am willing to just split our assets and go our separate ways. So in this light I actually JADEd. He was intent on making me out the villain by doing figures on pieces of paper. I was finding it very hard to understand his reasoning and he was bullying.

Suddenly I saw what he was doing, he was projecting his own thoughts onto me and accusing me of not taking the whole mortgage into account with the figures. When I could stop shaking actually all I had to say was that we are each responsible for half. (I know this is hard to follow but if you can bear with me in the spirit of what I am trying to say)

Anyway he got it! He saw on paper wrong he had been. ! He realised he had been bullying and carrying on just days after he had punched me, expecting completely accurate figures when I didn't even have access to a computer and trying to bully me into his way of thinking today.

Then he retreated into another room with the door pulled almost shut.

I said something like " it has been a very tense time and we have both made errors with the figures" He couldn't look at me and replied " you have had a lot to put up with and yet you have remained positive" I said something like "Yes and I hope we can continue to work on things"

I have now left him alone. I don't know what the result will be when he emerges from what I guess is a shaming time for him. Perhaps he will call it off again, saying that I deserve better, Who the Hell knows, I have no idea.

Thanks for listening. I am re reading the lessons and trying to set boundaries but it is hard.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[babyducks]

hi townhouse,

it sounds like you maybe feel like some progress is being made?   that you have reached a point where you are ready to establish boundaries and allow him to be responsible for his own actions and behavior?

it's always something when you have one of those flashes of insight.  it sounds like you handled it pretty well.   I remember the first couple of times being tough for me too.

how is it going today?

ducks

[formflier]

 

Townhouse,

Part of this idea comes from a talk I am considering having with my wife today.  It's been a while since we've had the "I'm on your team talk... ."

Anyway... .since your husband seems to be looking at himself... .perhaps he can look at the "union" of you two as well.

A suggested starting point...

"I realize how frustrating financial errors can be.  Understandable that you are concerned about it (or possibly use "upset".  We are on the same team.  What are your thoughts on how we can work on this together?"

Listen, validate... .don't push.  

There is a chance this could be invalidating to him if he is painting you black.  Still... .an important message to periodically reinforce.

FF

[townhouse]

Well I was completely wrong about how he would emerge from his room. He is meaner than ever accusing me of cheating him out of money ( he never had any in his life and became a bankrupt by stealth)

Although previously he had claimed that he couldn't remember the events of the domestic violence due to extreme alcohol,  he is now saying he remembers parts of it and it is not how I remembered it. In fact he now accuses me of provoking the whole thing. He's mad. So sure of himself acting so aloof and superior.

The builder is dropping from his spotlight and so now he has turned on me. He has me so rattled and confused that I am a nervous wreck.

I will leave it's just that we have an offer to buy the place next door we are selling and I have to be here to sign contracts over the next few days.

Hell on earth.

[formflier]

 

   

Catch me up again on his treatment status... .

Yes the house sale is important.

Your mental health and your safety is more important. 

Please keep that in mind as you sort through your options.

FF

[Cat Familiar]

Townhouse, I'm so sorry. You've given him the benefit of doubt over and over, but he's showing his cards now and it's your decision to make.

My exhusband was able to apologize for his abusive behavior and then immediately do an about face and completely rewrite history. I would find myself the aggrieved party (and the assaulted party) and then suddenly I would be apologizing to him for setting him off!

It sounds like you're strong within yourself so you won't be in that position, but it's hard nonetheless because you've hoped that it could work out and you've been willing to give him another chance.

 

[townhouse]

Cat... .Thanks for your reply, really appreciated it and you were spot on as usual.

About face, rewrite history... .Exactly. He is blaming me for him battering me and punching me  in the face because we had argued about the builder in the morning. That I had upset him. He even said why had I followed him to his room after the verbal abuse and food throwing. I should have left. He is right about that. I should have left instead of going after him saying "why are you doing this to me". I never dreamed he would attack me and also I think I was in shock and disbelief at what had just happened.

I have given him the benefit of the the doubt and he was really lovely last week. Took me out for a picnic... made me a little table I had been wanting. Then ... .over something that would take magical thinking by an accountant... .when he couldn't bully me into his way of thinking... .I became the hated enemy. 

I know many of us here at the bpdfamily talk about these things but until you really recognise the behaviours and how they are predictable, I guess we keep believing in a miraculous ending where everything turns out right. No not going to happen... .ever.

So now I have to be very careful to get myself out of this situation. I am being generous so I just hope he goes and stays gone.

FF ... .Hi... .There is no treatment. He was taken to a Psch  facility the first night day night but was assessed as being mentally OK and released. No treatment No medication.

Sorry for still posting on this board. I will continue posting on one of the other boards.

[babyducks]

hi townhouse,

I'm sorry things have reached this stage.   I would imagine you are feeling a swirl of conflicting emotions.  There is a lot of things going on.   

Being careful is a good point.   You are doing the right things.   Reaching out for resources to help.

So now I have to be very careful to get myself out of this situation.

I seem to recall that previously you had shared what was going on with members of your family, is that still possible to do discretely?   Would it be possible to work out the real estate details after you are in a place that is safe and more comfortable for you?

hang in there townhouse.   take good care of yourself.

'ducks