A hair cut...a missing jacket...and a nasty mouth

[formflier]

Wife was gone on a girls weekend away.  She seemed re-energized last night.  I was looking forward to a positive week.

This morning a jacket couldn't be found for D5 (other jackets could be found... it was just a particular jacket that was lost) and wife demanded I know where it is.

I was tired, still trying to wake up and instead of trying to validate or something like that... ."Honey... hmm... I don't know" was what I said.

"It's your job to know" came out in a snarling tone.  And the rest of the morning was like that until she left for her teaching job.   

After the jacket incident, while wife was fixing D5s hair she discovers that some has been cut off.  D5 did some hair cutting last night.

Anyway... wife continued the snarl about how bad it looked... was ruined... .etc etc.

I couldn't tell a difference.  D5 has huge head of full hair.

Sigh... .not a pleasant morning.

FF

[Lifewriter16]

Hi Formflier,

I always find your posts so amusing and uplifting. Ever thought of writing a novel? I'm thinking something along the lines of a Bridget Jones' Diary but from the non's perspective.

Don't forget to use a pseudonym though, because your wife will surely throw you out!

Love Lifewriter

[Notwendy]

I think this is a pretty common thing for 5 year old girls to try- until a parent catches them and has a fit. I have a memory of trying this at about this age. I think I was just trying to have a new hairdo- part of playing dress up... .until mom caught me, and I also realized that one needs to be skilled to cut hair well.

I also remember walking into the bathroom when my D was about this age, and finding strands of her hair on the floor. She also got creative with the scissors. We had a talk about that.

I think it is natural for the parent to not be happy about this, but also important to not be over punitive. It isn't so much wrongdoing as kid creativity.

As to jackets--- you have 8 kids! I don't even know how you keep all the jackets straight. I think it is important for kids to be responsible for their things, and hang up their jackets, but realistically, a kid can easily forget or lose one, or ruin one. My solution was to only buy inexpensive ones. Surely that was a hand me down from an older sibling?

I realize the value of money, and to not be careless, but also to allow kids to be kids and not break their spirits over a jacket by being overly punitive. That isn't worth the money it would take to find another one at a consignment shop. Also, a 5 year old can outgrow one so fast that inevitably she will need a new one soon.

I'm sorry your wife went after you for this, but I'm sharing this perspective because of the kids. D5 was just being a 5 year old. I'd bet that jacket will turn up under the bed, or in the playroom. IMHO, I'd brush this off as a moment for your wife, and just hug your D and go consignment shopping if she needs a new one.

Please don't take my response as how you should do things in your family. I don't have 8 kids so I know you have to keep a tighter ship and an eye on the budget. However, I also was raised by mom with BPD for whom this kind of thing was unforgivable, and so, I did not want to pass that on to my kids for having done something that is typical for a 5 year old kid, so I try to present that perspective.

[Daniell85]

It's just as much her job to know where the jacket is, as it is your job. So why was she even asking you?   

[formflier]

 

This post was really about the frustration and unreasonableness of it all.  I considered walking out and letting her just vent... .but I would not be able to hear. 

There were legit things going on about getting kids to school... .so I decided to work through it.

All the kids have cut hair (or will)  D2 has still not cut her hair.

Anyway... lately the thing that seems to be bothering me the most is my wife's nasty mouth.  I get it, that what comes out is a reflection of what is inside her... .and I try to have sympathy/empathy for that.  Lately that has been hard as the amount of "bad stuff" coming out is really on the upswing.

Sigh...

FF

PS:  For the book I was considering going for the big bucks... .with a title of "All true... .and I didn't even change the names" 

Or something along those lines.

[Lifewriter16]

 

Lifewriter x

[formflier]

 

Lifewriter16,

Thanks for helping me smile and chuckle.

It's been a while since I've thought about the book and the title... .

There seem to be times when I am teflon man... .and can let the silliness roll off me.  Right now it's sticking... pretty bad.

It's good to be able to chuckle about the situation that I find myself in.

Thanks

FF

[Notwendy]

Could be an interesting read, FF.

I know you get that kids are kids, but from my experience, my mother didn't. She can recall the things I did "on purpose" as a kid- all which were pretty typical kid stuff-none of it bad or with mal intent.

I didn't even pick up on the "blame the jacket" on you as I took it as part of the rant.

The sad part about this I've found, is after my mother has vented, and my H does this as well, then it seems that they just go on as if it didn't happen. The nons are the ones that still feel badly about it.

I've learned to not let it affect me as much because I see it as a vent in the moment. But it feels yukky.

[formflier]

 

I need to continue to work on seeing it for what it is... .and let it go at that.

If she wants to bring it up an address it further, she can do that.


The bad thing about yelling... .is that kids get accustomed to it... .and then don't pay attention until she yells... .or yells louder than "last time"... to show that she is serious or to have the kids taker her seriously.

The style I like is that when there is an issue mom and dad get quieter.  If the kids miss it... .oh well... .consequence time.

That style tends to train kids to "lean forward" to listen to what mom and dad are saying.  The style used (promoted) by my wife teaches kids that it is our responsibility to get their attention.

We used to do it "the other way" and get quieter.  This part of the r/s and parenting dynamic has been resistant to change.

Very frustrating.  I'm open to ideas if anyone has them.

She blames everyone but herself for her yelling.  "I wouldn't yell if you hadn't... xyz... "

FF

[Daniell85]

I can understand the frustration. It's like having a teenager in control and you can't sit her down and set her straight.

You guys are still in the middle of the move? You figure that once you get settled in to the new place, she will calm down? ie, is this extra flying off the handle due to the stress, or typical?

[formflier]

You guys are still in the middle of the move? You figure that once you get settled in to the new place, she will calm down? ie, is this extra flying off the handle due to the stress, or typical?

Yes... .we anticipate this will all be over... move complete... sometime in December.  That will be us closed on house and moved in.

Hoping to close earlier, that all depends on speed of loan going through and all that. 

This is the first "big normal stress event" that we have done "post BPD knowledge".  Our last move was before I ever heard of BPD.

So... .there is a bit of "who knows" here. 

My guess is she is frustrated with a number of issues that she can't control... .nor can I... .and it "feels" better to her to blame me for it... .expect me to be in two places at once... .etc etc.

FF

[Fian]

She blames everyone but herself for her yelling.  "I wouldn't yell if you hadn't... xyz... "

This frustrates me so much with my wife.  Her actions are always my fault.  No ownership for her own behavior.  Personally, I don't let her get away with it, though.  I keep point it out when she tries that defense.