Taking a step backward, part 2

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Hello everyone   I hope your days are going well.

I had a pregame FaceTime  with my fiancé today regarding his meeting with his new potential divorce lawyer tomorrow. I walked away from it feeling pretty good, about the meeting at least. What I'm not feeling so good about is the past 1.9 years of the relationship. Between my old DBT diary cards and my old BPD family posts, I have quite a past history of conflict with my partner. I had forgotten that I had posted about his second suicide attempt when I first joined this board. I thought that I hadn't starting posting until I found out his divorce wasn't posted online but then I went and looked at my own archives and that was hard.

We were talking about why people stay over on another thread on this board. It is hard for me to sit with what I know now and what I did then.

Anyways, rather then wallow, I am fully committed to working my way down the decision making guidelines so I can emerge fulling committed to staying. I am pleased to report that I have stopped the bleeding on my own, however taking a step backward is something I need help with. I will be working my way down the list of tools starting with radical acceptance for family members. I appreciate you all joining me on this journey. I am looking forward to moving over to the staying board once I am done with my work on this board. 

[unicorn2014]

Hello everyone   I hope your days are going well.

I had a pregame FaceTime  with my fiancé today regarding his meeting with his new potential divorce lawyer tomorrow. I walked away from it feeling pretty good, about the meeting at least. What I'm not feeling so good about is the past 1.9 years of the relationship. Between my old DBT diary cards and my old BPD family posts, I have quite a past history of conflict with my partner. I had forgotten that I had posted about his second suicide attempt when I first joined this board. I thought that I hadn't starting posting until I found out his divorce wasn't posted online but then I went and looked at my own archives and that was hard.

We were talking about why people stay over on another thread on this board. It is hard for me to sit with what I know now and what I did then.

Anyways, rather then wallow, I am fully committed to working my way down the decision making guidelines so I can emerge fulling committed to staying. I am pleased to report that I have stopped the bleeding on my own, however taking a step backward is something I need help with. I will be working my way down the list of tools starting with radical acceptance for family members. I appreciate you all joining me on this journey. I am looking forward to moving over to the staying board once I am done with my work on this board. 

[ArleighBurke]

It will be a tough road. But I think no matter which path you take you will emerge stronger, with a solid footing on what you want.

Keep us posted. 

[Mutt]

It is hard for me to sit with what I know now and what I did then.

Hi unicorn2014,

I can relate with those feelings. The past is something that we can't change, we learn lessons from past experiences, we often do the best with that we know. I'm sorry I'm not familiar with your story, but it sounds like you've come a long way, go easy on yourself.

[unicorn2014]

It is hard for me to sit with what I know now and what I did then.

Hi unicorn2014,

I can relate with those feelings. The past is something that we can't change, we learn lessons from past experiences, we often do the best with that we know. I'm sorry I'm not familiar with your story, but it sounds like you've come a long way, go easy on yourself.

Thank you Mutt, I will try. Someone once told me in a program, actually more then one person, that I talked a lot about my story. This was before a pwBPD traits became a part of my story. Long story short, I've been engaged to a man who lives in another time zone for over 3 years who told me he filed for divorce, withdrew, filed again and yet when I looked for a record of either of these filings I found nothing. Tomorrow he is going to interview an attorney to handle his divorce case, and we went over some questions I would like him to ask the attorney on my behalf since I am very interested in the outcome. There have been suicide attempts, dysregulations, verbal abuse, threats of abandonment along the way, however all that conflict is behind us now. Tonight there is no conflict, and as my partner works towards his divorce, I will work towards making a firm decision to stay or leave by working through the lessons on choosing a path. Radical acceptance for family members is up next on my list. Although I've been posting on this board for 1.9 years, I didn't start working through the lessons methodically until now.

[Ceruleanblue]

Well, I think you tell your story because it is something that you are really working on. It has prominence in your mind. I know when things got really bad with BPDh, and the marriage, that I tended to obsess. I can see now though that the best thing I could have done was to stop obsessing. I mean, it didn't accomplish anything, and I'd have done better to just focus on myself, and things I could actually have some control over: me. I think I obsessed because things felt and were so out of control.

Now, I come here, vent, or get ideas, but try to live the rest of my life making MY life better, and doing things I enjoy, and keeping my mind off all the things I can't change: BPDh, and his angry, dysfunctional kids. I deal with it as it comes up, but I now am a lot more self focused. I still try to balance being married to someone with PD behaviors, and being a good spouse, but I'm now a lot more careful of ME, because he certainly won't be. I now look out for me, and I'm getting better all the time with boundaries.

It's great that you have a plan, and that you can look back and see the progress. No matter how things work out, you'll have learned a lot, and you are clearly working on yourself, which can only be good. Working through the lessons is great too. Like you, I've gotten a lot out of this site, no matter which board I post on.

[unicorn2014]

Hi Cerulean Blue, this is kind of a pivotal point in my r/s: tomorrow my fiancé is going to interview an attorney for a divorce that apparently was misfiled. I have to process the fact that it took over 3 years to get to this point. I had a whole r/s based on the belief that a divorce had been filed. That belief colored my emotions and my behavior towards my fiancé. He claims to this day it was filed. In a way I feel like we are starting over. Its kind of disorientating but kind of liberating at the same time. I want to be free of the past, of our past.

[OnceConfused]

a divorce that apparently was misfiled. I have to process the fact that it took over 3 years to get to this point. I had a whole r/s based on the belief that a divorce had been filed

It has taken 3 years to realize the divorce paper had been MISFILED ? .

How can someone MISFILE a divorce paper with the court?.

Did someone not see that the court set NO DATE, NO CONFIRMATION, no receipt of the paper filed from the clerk of court?

(I am guessing that since you use the term fiance, your BPDso and you are not married and the divorce is for his former spouse)

[unicorn2014]

Once confused, he says he filed, withdrew, and filed again. I finally looked it up last month after having asked for the papers in June and being told his word should be good enough . I found nothing there. He says he's a business owner and he's used to delegating and his lawyer didn't do his job. He's interviewing a new lawyer today. The divorce is for him with his soon to be ex wife.

I don't know if you read my post on radical acceptance or not but part of what I am feeling is frustration that I'm 3 years out into the r/s and I'm just finding this out now. I am the one who finally took it upon myself to look the divorce up in the court system. Also I don't know if you know my story or not but I didn't know he was married when I first started chatting with him online and when I asked him if he was he gave me a roundabout answer that led me to believe he wasn't. It wasn't until his wife picked up his iPad one night after he had fallen asleep and impersonated him to taunt me and texted me that I found out he was married.

[Mutt]

I have to process the fact that it took over 3 years to get to this point. I had a whole r/s based on the belief that a divorce had been filed.

Hi unicorn2014,

Is the issue trust?

[unicorn2014]

Hi mutt, I think it's anger, I functioned under the belief that was done was done and then when I found out it wasn't it turned everything upside down. I wasn't prepared for that. He is interviewing a new lawyer today. He hasn't fired his old lawyer yet. I think I'm just sick and tired of the whole situation, how it makes me look, being sympathetic to him. he said he filed then he said he withdrew to file bankruptcy then he said he filed again when I put my foot down. Today I was asking him how is that your assets are in escrow but your divorce hasn't been filed with the court? And why hasn't he fired his lawyer yet? I think what upsets me the most is all his promises to take care of me and now this. It would've been better if he said nothing at all. Yes I'm mad. Have you read my radical acceptance post? And then there are his constant pleas for attention. Frankly the whole thing is beginning to wear me down. I told him I wanted to talk to him later about why his assets are in escrow but his divorce hasn't been filed. It's irritating me. I've learned enough to postpone difficult conversations to the right time and place.

[Mutt]

of the whole situation, how it makes me look, being sympathetic to him.

I would feel angry too. It's possible that he is passive aggressive with procrastination or failure to accomplish things.

You're sympathetic and I would like to add that you are patient. I can see how the situation would make you feel and look bad, I don't think that it makes you look bad, he's not taking responsibility and he's procrastinating, I think that's on him?

I'll take a look at your RA thread  

[unicorn2014]

Hi mutt, if I accuse him of being passive aggressive he vehemently denies it. He also really prides himself on his accomplishments.

It's apparent that the legal/financial situation with his soon to be ex wife is really complicated. I resent being dragged into it. He was going to file for bankruptcy then withdrew because I protested however she's still filing for bankruptcy. They also owned a business together. If he hadn't proposed to me we wouldn't be in this mess in the first place. I don't feel patient at all. I feel aggravated , irritated and annoyed.

On the other hand it really seems like he needs my help and that's where the compassion comes in.

Also, to be fair to him he really helps me with my daughter and my self. So, in the end it's all complicated.

Please comment on my radical acceptance thread. I will be starting a new thread on acceptance and grief later. I'm trying to keep things positive and constructive on this board by following the lessons.