My BPD ex says he's a "CHANGED MAN" - in the 30 days I left

[EmptyShell]

Is this normal BPD behavior? My ex has been swinging into the white and black every few days since I left him 30 days ago.  He went 6 days without contacting me, then he wrote me about 20 times in the last 2 days saying how he's been meditating, praying, reading self help books, and that he's a changed man.  He says since I left him he has been shaking like a leaf every day because he's out of control.  He begged me multiple times to come back to him, to just meet him for a drink or dinner, and he was sure to throw in there how our dogs miss me. 

Is this what BPD do 30 days out, say they have changed?  And do you believe it's possible for a BPD to make any changes to their behavior in 30 days? (I do not).  I just find watching him swing from black to white every few days is very interesting since it's so evident in emails than in person when you're living in the moment.

[Lifewriter16]

Hi there EmptyShell,

From what I've experienced with my BPDxbf, certain things have changed during our times apart as he has had time to reflect upon what's happened between us, but the one thing that hasn't changed is the basic underlying BPD dynamic. He may come to see that in X situation he projected something onto me, but his tendency to project remains unchanged. My BPDxbf has had 6 months in DBT and 18 months in Schema Therapy. Personally, I think you are right to not anticipate too much change in 30 days. Your ex is managing his pain in the best way he can.

Lifewriter

x

[Herodias]

Mine told me he had quit drinking and was having night sweats and going through DT's... .when actually he was getting wasted every night and peeing the bed! No, they don't get better that fast- usually 7 years is what I read! That's with major therapy! They just tell you what they think you want to hear. Sad for them... .they need to hit some kind of rock bottom, but mine has been through it all and hasn't hit yet. I had hoped a divorce would help. Not a chance... .on to the next victim!

[JohnLove]

Mine told me he had quit drinking and was having night sweats and going through DT's... .when actually he was getting wasted every night and peeing the bed!

Is this the most BPD statement I have ever read? 

[greenmonkey]

After I uncovered 3 years worth of lies and deceit and removed my ex from the house, I get an email two weeks later saying - she has learnt her lesson no more lies. The next paragraph was one lie after another.

I think the only way a leopard can change its spots is by therapy counselling that is intensive for a number of years depending on the age of the BPD ex. They might want you to think they have taken steps to make the changes but it is seeing it through, committing to it.

[Beach_Babe]

Mine told me he changed too! He vowed to stopped suing people (Target and Tesco were his favorite places to  "fall" then a week later decided to sue a car dealership instead. He also promised to stop screaming in public and hitting his head.  That lasted about two hours.

[Fr4nz]

After I uncovered 3 years worth of lies and deceit and removed my ex from the house, I get an email two weeks later saying - she has learnt her lesson no more lies. The next paragraph was one lie after another.

I think the only way a leopard can change its spots is by therapy counselling that is intensive for a number of years depending on the age of the BPD ex. They might want you to think they have taken steps to make the changes but it is seeing it through, committing to it.

Exactly!

[Michelle27]

Mine admitted he needed help in May of 2014 after his 2nd mental health hospitalization.  Promised to seek help and fix things as he knew I was 99% ready to say I was done.  He did begin to work on a couple things... .like showering every day instead of once a week and brushing his teeth almost every day instead of every month or two (yes, seriously... .).  He also started helping around the house more.  I think I was supposed to take all of that to mean he had "recovered".  It took another 7 months for him to request a referral to a psychiatrist (got an appointment this month that I believe he has since blown off), start taking CBT classes and get some workbooks on CBT and DBT.  It was a further 5 months before he sought help through our local mental health organization.  All this time, we discussed the importance for me of him wanting him for HIM and not just to keep me around.  Of course, he claimed that was the case.  But when I ended the relationship for good in June of 2015 after 3 months of a therapeutic separation, he not only had the balls to tell me I "didn't give him enough of a chance" to get better and of course, he quit everything. 

After the separation, I learned of some huge lies on his part that he kept up for the entire 15 year relationship including that he had been a pilot before I met him and had been grounded to airplane cleaning crew due to blood clots (nope, he was hired with his sister's help, an airline manager, to clean planes... .), and I spoke to his first wife and learned the truth about his marriage to her which of course was polar opposite of what he told me.  Also during our last 6 months together, he confessed to allowing me to drag him around to 3 different marriage counselors 5 years ago (all sabotaged) and a couple's communication course (also sabotaged) during the time he was carrying on a year long affair with my so called friend. 

Since we separated, he has had very limited contact with our 11 year old daughter.  5.5 hours total visitation plus he stopped answering her text messages on August 20th and has had no contact with her since.  I know he is lying to people saying he can't see his daughter because I am keeping her from him.  Not a chance, although with all the lies and behaviors unraveling, I am somewhat relieved.  His daughter doesn't even want to see him right now, and neither does his son from his first marriage. 

I don't necessarily believe all pwBPD are liars like mine was, but yeah, I don't think I'd believe the "changed man" statement at all... .

[olddante]

 Yes, there's a lot of denial with BPD. A long with  bargaining and simliar to

 ELizabeth Kubler Ross' s stages on death and dieing. No one wants the stigma of not

 being normal. I've watch family members go from alcoholic normal to

 dry drunk with BPD. ALcohol only worsens BPD behavior.  Its the sugar

 In alcohol,  cigarettes, candy, soda, ice cream which helps to destabilize

 My mood, I'm better when eating throughout the day. Three meals a

 day will have my BPD aggitated by lunch time. I cant fix my BPD but I can

 Choose when to eat and what to eat. My mood is a lot more stable without

 any refined sugar but my BPD thoughts remain. Yet my reaction to external

events are less.(1940s study Dr John Tintera sugar study)

Myself with over 50 years of BPD experience. I dont believe BPD can be cured.

I have a parent with cancer, non curable, and BPD. As is everyone on both sides

except one. She stuck out like a sore thumb. She was even tempered, modest,

New England woman. She use to wondering why he kids and husband act this way.

 Its for her, I try to help others with BPD, I.e. remember the kindness of this one nonBPD woman.

I dont share the short sited veiw BPD is a curse. Yet this view has come late in life.

I would suggest living with BPD requires a lot of education,  understanding how foods

affect our brain chemistry and NO cure, Yes, I've waited to be cured from the incurable.

My parent is just now dealing with their exhanced sense of boredom after retirement. This

can be a dark time for those BPD individual which use exercise, exworkaholics lef to

their own company and thoughts.

Note: BPD is misdiagnosed at over 60 percent according to the latest neurological

         studies on BPD, So being correctly diagnosed is difficult.

[EmptyShell]

Mine told me he changed too! He vowed to stopped suing people (Target and Tesco were his favorite places to  "fall" then a week later decided to sue a car dealership instead. He also promised to stop screaming in public and hitting his head.  That lasted about two hours.

lmao I'm sorry to laugh but his behavior - wow!  My ex would always threaten to sue people too!  He pretended to trip over weights at the gym and talked about suing others and would claim he hurt his back or shoulder since he hurt it weight lifting years ago and never had surgery. 

[Pretty Woman]

Mine left me for three months then started sending weird fishing emails.

When she came back she told me "I" had changed (for the better). I hadn't changed at all. More beat down from her crap but I hadn't changed. She has a way of making it all "My" fault. I caused her to cheat, I caused her to leave... .

[Hopeful83]

Mine left me for three months then started sending weird fishing emails.

When she came back she told me "I" had changed (for the better). I hadn't changed at all. More beat down from her crap but I hadn't changed. She has a way of making it all "My" fault. I caused her to cheat, I caused her to leave... .

Funny how so many of our stories sound EXACTLY the same. If I hadn't found this board I'm sure I would have concluded that I was insane.

Mine also sent me weird fishing emails about two months in about his belongings, despite the fact his things are at my mum's house in storage AND I told him to never contact me. With so many friends in common, you'd THINK the right thing would be to ask them if it was okay for me to arrange for his stuff to be shipped (especially considering the horrendous circumstances of our breakup). Nope. Instead he emailed me incessantly for three days in a row, and then disappeared. Totally normal behaviour   I, of course, ignored him.

And yes according to him it was my fault, too, because I had broken up with him. What exactly he expected given that a) his mum didn't want us to get married (and he didn't fight it) and b) he confessed his ex was back on the scene I do not know. Sigh.

Two month after our breakup he's engaged to his equally BPD fiancee. 

Finally, after four months, I'm starting to see clearer and thankful I'm no longer in that mess.

[cloudten]

All of you gave me a much needed chuckle. I agree that I would think I am insane if I hadn't found this board. This board is actually my sanity.

Now- to topic... .

My feeling and interpretation has always been with my pwBPD that he has no concept of time. He thinks he is a changed man in 2 days. HA! That's a laugh. I would not trust 30 days at all. I am not sure I would trust them changing in 30 years!   

Now saying that, I had seen changes with him in the last 3 years. Instead of being more up and down every day... .he would be up up up for 2 weeks in a row, and then crash HARD with the biggest rages I have ever seen. They were escalating and getting much worse as time went on and the more he claimed to "change". 

I think pwBPD have no concept of time and are not capable of change. They may think that 30 days is long enough to grow and change, but it really isn't for a pwBPD... .and probably really isn't enough time for anyone.

Sitting through court and discussing my own case with my lawyer yesterday was a good reminder that people never change... .especially a BPD.  Any time you hear a BPD say they changed... .you should be waiving that   in your brain. They didn't change... .they are projecting that they want to change, but they didn't actually change.