Is this normal post-breakup?

[Creativum]

Guys, is this normal behavior post-breakup with a pwBPD?

It's been a few weeks since I've seen him, and of course he's told me that he's already with someone new.  Surprise, surprise.  While I have burning curiosity to know who it is, I'm honestly not really any more bothered by that than I would be had I been with a non-BPD person.

But I can't stop myself from going over all the things he said in my head.  I keep wanting to reach out to people he knew to ask if what he said was really true (none of these people really keep in touch with him).  Not stalking to find out what he's up to or who he's with, but more like trying to get answers to my questions to see if ANYTHING this person told me was actually TRUE.  It's making my head spin and I feel depressed and anxious because I simply have no idea what is fact and what is fiction.  It's making me sick and I can't sleep because everything he told me is being ruminated on and I'm trying to connect dots.

[problemsolver]

Guys, is this normal behavior post-breakup with a pwBPD?

It's been a few weeks since I've seen him, and of course he's told me that he's already with someone new.  Surprise, surprise.  While I have burning curiosity to know who it is, I'm honestly not really any more bothered by that than I would be had I been with a non-BPD person.

But I can't stop myself from going over all the things he said in my head.  I keep wanting to reach out to people he knew to ask if what he said was really true (none of these people really keep in touch with him).  Not stalking to find out what he's up to or who he's with, but more like trying to get answers to my questions to see if ANYTHING this person told me was actually TRUE.  It's making my head spin and I feel depressed and anxious because I simply have no idea what is fact and what is fiction.  It's making me sick and I can't sleep because everything he told me is being ruminated on and I'm trying to connect dots.

What's your question?  Is it in relation to your curiosity?  Or the fact that he "has" someone new?

[Creativum]

My curiosity. Wanting true answers to all the lies he's told that I realize now were lies.

[problemsolver]

My curiosity. Wanting true answers to all the lies he's told that I realize now were lies.

Yeah that's normal I did the same recently... spoke to her ex boyfriend he filled in 98 percent of the blanks... I didn't try to dig too deep but needless to say it made sense... .at the end of the day trust your intuition... .I KNEW she was lying but I just couldn't prove it... so I reached out but it made me look stupid to my BPDex you know? Needless to say she didn't have remorse either. . So if you reach out just be wary of the back lash

[enlighten me]

Yes I think it is perfectly normal to want to find answers and dwell on things that have been said.

As you come out of the FOG things occur to you that you blocked out. Things that at the time seemed ok because you had been convinced they were no longer seem quite right.

With my ex wife I never doubted she had been honest with me throughout our relationship. How wrong was I.

With my exgf I decided to think the worst and look at everything as a lie. This helped me to detach and not get so caught up in the turmoil of doubt. Once I had got over the initial hurt then I sorted out some of the truth of it.

[Lifewriter16]

Hi Creativum,

Lovely to have you here at BPD Family.

I've gone through a process of trying to determine whether what my BPDxbf told me during our relationship was a lie and trying to discover the truth. I've gone through his twitter account to check when he got married and when his daughter was born and googled him to see what happened and discovered that what I believed about his past was simply not the actual version of events. I've wanted to talk to people he knows. I've taken it to such a level that I've tried to create a timeline of his life over the past 10 years to see whether what he said stacks up. However, I am left unsure as to whether he actively lied to me or I misunderstood what he said to me or he was presenting the BPD version of events (which is feelings influence facts). Ultimately, it got me nowhere.

So you're not alone in needing to join up the dots to make sense of things.

Lifewriter x

[Tomzxz]

Welcome to the family.

I'm sorry you are experiencing what you feel.  Your desire for closure is natural and healthy. In a healthy breakup it might be normal for both parties to tell the truth, talk a little and exchange thoughts even after a messy dispute but this simply isn't possible with a disordered partner. The truth is very real to us but not to them.  They kept their "love" on the "borderline" of their life just out of reach so it wont hurt when it is lost. So, it wasn't as deep of a connection for them as it was for you.  That is how they are able to lie and walk away so easily.  Keep in mind - through no fault of what you did or didn't do, you are now a trigger for their abandonment fears.  Talking to you or seeing you will bring a rush of feelings back to them that they cant handle.  That is the most truthful thing about them, and this isn't your fault.

With that said, what they told you was mostly a mirroring of yourself, a projection of what they wanted you to see so that you would accept them. They are master chameleons and can adopt the personality of anyone they deem worthy of their adoration.  That's what makes them so charismatic. They can do this because they don't have a very deep character of their own to start with and they are terrified you will discover this and that is why they lie. They are very sensitive people and live life vicariously through others so much of what they say isn't necessary all fake. In my experience, much of what they say is half true and is usually distorted to paint them in the best possible light.  A breakup isn't their fault, A car accident wasn't their fault, they got fired because of something someone else did, Their not financially irresponsible you are, you didn't want to go to the gym with them, you didn't buy them a new fish when the old one died of your neglect during the separation, their grandmother hates them and they hate their grandmother but that's strange, the grandmother bought their house for them... .etc. Read between the lies, Its a pattern of selfish behavior.  They tend to tell you too much information thinking it will be more believable that way but remember everything about what they are telling you is skewed to make them look good and hence to find the lie you simply skew it the other way.

What questions do you want answered? please feel free to share your questions as you are part of the family now. I'm sure many people on this site have asked the same questions you are asking and even though we may never know the truth of their life before or after us we don't need to.  After deep personal exploration WE have found the answer to the only question that matters - Why did we fall for them?

Sorry for your loss.

[Learning Fast]

Welcome Creativum---stay glued to this site as it will become a lifeline in the days, weeks and months ahead.

I concur with Tomzxz.  I recently caught my now exuBPDgf engaged in some extracurriculars that were described to me as anything but that. She is not aware that I know but it is a deal breaker nonetheless and our relationship was waning anyway.  Now that there is more clarity and objectivity, I've been able to "reframe" many conversations and texts much differently. I would agree that about half of what was said was true.  The other half was a narrative that she created to paint herself in the best possible light while enhancing her "victim" status (not unlike her FB posts).  In addition to what has already been posted in this thread, the "omisson of facts" approach allows them to keep you tethered in orbit for their future want or need (in my case the replacement is out of state---hence the interest in downplaying the relationship in the hopes of keeping me around for when things eventually deteriorate).  Remember that you are not at fault nor alone---we've all gone thru some iteration of this behavior pattern.

[purekalm]

I think it's normal as well.

On my end I can't really ever gather info, considering his only family his a few states away, doesn't try to talk to me, said they would do things they didn't, etc. I don't even think I had more than two conversations with his mom and they were all about trying to get my son because they believed my stbxh innocent and me the perpetrator, cussing me out over the phone.

I didn't even learn he MAY have another son out there until I picked him up when he was let out of jail and his mom told him how much MY son looked like, apparently this other boy who COULD be stbxh's son... .

So, at first I trusted everything he told me was the truth, so dumb I know. But, I quickly stopped that because I was unraveling them all fairly easy. He would even lie about the stuff that he didn't even need to cover up, it was like, really?

I got pretty obsessed with wanting to find out the answers, but then I realized I would look the crazy one if I started calling/searching for answers, because BPDs usually have the ones that were closest to them wrapped around their fingers...

[Beach_Babe]

Hi Creativum,

Lovely to have you here at BPD Family.

I've gone through a process of trying to determine whether what my BPDxbf told me during our relationship was a lie and trying to discover the truth. I've gone through his twitter account to check when he got married and when his daughter was born and googled him to see what happened and discovered that what I believed about his past was simply not the actual version of events. I've wanted to talk to people he knows. I've taken it to such a level that I've tried to create a timeline of his life over the past 10 years to see whether what he said stacks up. However, I am left unsure as to whether he actively lied to me or I misunderstood what he said to me or he was presenting the BPD version of events (which is feelings influence facts). Ultimately, it got me nowhere.

So you're not alone in needing to join up the dots to make sense of things.

Lifewriter x

So, if you are at the point you feel you actually need to do this... .is that pretty much a sign its over?

[Lifewriter16]

To respond to your question Beach_Babe... .

Going through this process is part of trying to understand what just happened to me.

I am still struggling with having the two images of my BPDxbf, the Jekyll and Hyde characters. I still can't accept that they are both him. I really believed that he loved me. And he was abusive. How is that possible? It's black and white thinking on my part (a trait associated with AS as well as BPD). I'm really struggling to accept the grey areas. I still think that if he could be so awful on occasion then the good bits must have been a lie, a pretense, he can't possibly have loved me in the way I thought he did.

I almost feel that it would be a relief if I knew he never loved me and it was all a load of b*llsh*t designed to get what he wanted out of me. It would be easier to let him go if I felt he'd taken me for a ride than it is to let him go knowing that he actually loved me but I couldn't stop reacting, I couldn't make it work, I deliberately let go of the man I truly love and I'm going to have to live with the repercussions of that decision for the rest of my life.

It's over because he's gone nc. I wanted us to work towards a future together in the long term, through being friends and having appropriate support to deal with our respective issues. I wanted us to learn how to be together and rebuild trust.

However, since he went nc, I've discovered that he lied to me about the timing of a conviction for assaulting his wife. He said it was what motivated him to leave her and get into therapy, but it turns out it took place 2 years before he even married her. If he lied about the 'when', he may have lied about the 'what' and the 'what' he told me about was serious enough to alarm me. He said he threatened her with a knife (and smashed up her kitchen) but it was in self-defence because she subjected him to domestic violence on a regular basis. What if it wasn't and this man is seriously dangerous? I could end up on the other end of that knife and I might not be as lucky as her.

On a lighter note, I was out and about one time and saw the following printed on a coaster: "Better to have loved and lost than to live with the psycho." It made me chuckle.

Love Lifewriter x

[JohnnyShoes]

I sure know what you're feeling. Been there more than once. But seeing your post from the "outside" I thought about this also with my own exuBPDgf

If you have THESE Feelings... .there is a reason why... and that reason is because we've been with people who SAY one thing, and DO another.

It's a double message we get... .it makes us confused and keeps us in a state of confusion...

And the normal response is to find the Answer to the riddle.

Screw them!

We deserve better.

We deserve a person who is normal (not perfect) just normal

My 02 cents

[parisian]

Guys, is this normal behavior post-breakup with a pwBPD?

But I can't stop myself from going over all the things he said in my head.  I keep wanting to reach out to people he knew to ask if what he said was really true (none of these people really keep in touch with him).  Not stalking to find out what he's up to or who he's with, but more like trying to get answers to my questions to see if ANYTHING this person told me was actually TRUE.  It's making my head spin and I feel depressed and anxious because I simply have no idea what is fact and what is fiction.  It's making me sick and I can't sleep because everything he told me is being ruminated on and I'm trying to connect dots.

Hi Creativum and welcome to the boards. Hopefully all the wonderful people on here can help you deal with what you're going through.

I recently came out of my second BPD r/s (clearly did not learn enough the first time!). I ran into my exe's ex - a person she was contacting, visiting and sleeping with while we were together, and who is also BPD. There were so many lies from them both that in the end, I did not know what was the truth and what was a lie, but realised it doesn't matter. She was disorded and I am glad to be out of it.

Hopefully you will get to this point also - that in the end, it doesn't matter what was true and what wasn't because the fact is they lied. Alot. And we can't be with people who bust our boundaries and treat us with disrespect that way. In time you will be glad to be away from someone that disrespected you so much - I realise that seems like a glib cliche, that is probably not alot of consolation to you right now. It doesn't matter what dots connect or don't connect because he is disordered and ill. You might never connect the dots and trying to do so will keep the ruminating going. Those with BPD sometimes have pathalogical lying traits, and we may never know the truth. Someone else is welcome to that! In the end, all that matters is that we are out and away from behaviour like that.

Are you doing anything to help with the rumination? Journalling or writing everything out sometimes helps.

[once removed]

hey creativum 

its a real kick to the gut to experience the intoxicating words (and actions) and then see actions that seem to discredit everything we ever heard.

generally speaking, our exes are not con artists, which might feel even worse if they were. who wants to be duped? in terms of relationships (any kind really) they are very limited. feelings are very intense, in either direction. that doesnt make for much stability.

when a person with BPD says these loving words, they are generally not "lies". again, they feel with tremendous intensity. quite often, they want this reality even more than we do. but those feelings, and the relationship, are not ultimately sustainable. they are plagued with the other side of the spectrum, intense abandonment fears, black and white thinking, shame and self loathing, feelings of unworthiness, among other things.

please give yourself time and be kind to yourself. its a lot to go through and will take time to process. more than likely, with plenty of time, you will decide for yourself what was "true" and what "true" means to you. much of the personal sting of all of this will lessen as you do. its mental illness. not a con artist. hang in there 

[Fr4nz]

Guys, is this normal behavior post-breakup with a pwBPD?

It's been a few weeks since I've seen him, and of course he's told me that he's already with someone new.  Surprise, surprise.  While I have burning curiosity to know who it is, I'm honestly not really any more bothered by that than I would be had I been with a non-BPD person.

Yes, for a BPD it's perfectly normal to behave that way... .it's the disorder. Apart from the academic literature, thousands and thousands of topics here demonstrates this empirically.

So, Creativum: welcome to the BPD world! :D