14 years and getting worse...

[Haearn]

A brief introduction: I am 34, A US expatriate, and in a 14 year committed relationship. I myself deal with depression and severe social anxiety and this is a huge step for me, to be honest. And please note I don't want any this to come off as hateful complaints, though I do think I need to outline certain things and behaviours as a way to ask for help.

Over the past few years, I have found myself continuously shutting down emotionally, forcing myself to become numb to my own emotions (something I convinced myself was “neutrality”) in order to avoid accidentally being perceived as aggressive or upset. Yet it happens anyway. There will be some outside trigger to their anxiety and then they will focus on me and something, anything I say (or don’t say) will find it’s way to being a new argument. This happened today, and for the second time in two weeks I found myself fantasizing about running away from it all.

They continuously base all of their emotional responses on their perception of the situation and not the words that I am speaking (or typing) - in fact they have explicitly told me that this is exactly what they do and that they “can’t help it”.  Which often means that if I want any peace at all it is up to me to run damage control for a situation that wasn’t meant to be anything but a casual question in the first place (such as “what did you buy for lunch”) but is now an “attack” on them personally. Staying calm seems to make it worse, they eventually become so exasperated with my responses I end up suffering the silent treatment or they will storm off with a litany of accusations that I am about to leave them,or very occasionally, suicide threats.

(I feel it’s fair to mention there is never violence, and that their aggression doesn’t come out as rage but as a very potent passive-aggressiveness - "Fine I will just never eat again... .!" and sheer avoidance)

I have all but given up on trying to do anything about it. I had all but given up on finding someone to talk to about any of this. I don’t have family and all of our other relationships are either his family or “shared” friends, most of which are distance friends. It is one of those distance friends that happans to have BPD themselves that finally made me look up the list of symptoms, and wow... the stories I found here have really resonated with me.

Has it always been this way? I suppose yes, a little, though recent years have been much much worse (I feel I may have lost my "shine" . There were always spats, and they have always had their self esteem issues, but they were always the most loving and beautiful person and really felt like a soul mate (please don't just be mirroring) During a recent "poly" experiment with a third partner a few years ago (this was their idea also, not mine) there was an absolute drama trainwreck (the third-person turned out to be an extreme narcissist and those are two cats that should never be in the same bag!) and they have taken up stalking each other online. This I think was the catalyst to their more recent spirals, but in all ways I still end up being the target.

Is it BPD? I have no idea, there obviously has been no real diagnosis. They won’t seek help themselves (therapy or otherwise , though they are finally on anxiety meds), brush off or ignore my attempts to get my own help, and have locked me in a state of financial dependency (I am not “allowed” to work because it will keep me away from them, and though I still attempt to get around it haven’t yet been hired anywhere, but they have also ran my credit cards up repeatedly to max so I couldn’t get out if I tried at this point.)

Do I love them? Absolutely. I gladly moved countries to be with them, and have been with them over a decade in one form or another, so there must be /something/ there. I want this to work. I want some semblance of happiness that lasts more than a day or two, and keep trying to grasp onto the good times and good memories. I don't want to break the promises I've made each time they told me to never leave. And I guess that’s why I am here…

So really, just anyone reading this, I am not just here to unload of course, I am very much looking for suggestions on how to turn this around. Anything! ( And I apologize for all the parentheses. )

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Cat Familiar]

I'm so sorry you're going through this and your story really resonates with me. Please take a look at the Lessons on the right side of the page and keep posting. There's a lot of people who have been through very similar experiences and understand.

You come across as a very kind and understanding partner. The way you describe your situation is from a very tolerant and objective viewpoint. These relationships can be so incredibly difficult and as you've mentioned, sometimes long term relationships lose their "shine" and people with BPD can feel more free to act out their less than optimal behaviors (which they often keep in check at the beginning).

What has helped me is seeking individual therapy to get strategies to "manage" my relationship. Initially I did couples counseling with him, which wasn't very productive, but was very helpful for my psychologist to really see what I was dealing with. We had a discussion at my last therapy session and she said that often people with personality disorders can quite successfully hide their bad behaviors in joint counseling. We were fortunate in that he acted out in sessions with her so she quite easily could see him for who he is. She laughed and said in a conspiratorial tone of voice to me, "It almost wasn't fair."

My husband is very intelligent and has good social skills (when he chooses to use them). If it weren't for me poking and prodding him in our counseling sessions, it would have been less likely that he would have let the mask slip and exposed himself for having a personality disorder.

In any event, some folks here have had success doing joint therapy and many others haven't. Most people with personality disorders are not eager to do therapy, but if you pursue that, it can be very helpful for you to do your own. If finances are an issue, there are university programs and counseling opportunities through faith-based organizations, among other places.

Keep reading here and post more of your story.   

[an0ught]

Welcome Haearn,

A brief introduction: I am 34, A US expatriate, and in a 14 year committed relationship. I myself deal with depression and severe social anxiety and this is a huge step for me, to be honest. And please note I don't want any this to come off as hateful complaints, though I do think I need to outline certain things and behaviours as a way to ask for help.

don't worry, it is ok to complain once in a while. This is a safe place to complain. Yes, constant complaining won't get you anywhere but we would tell you if you did. But complaining is also a sign of anger and maybe you need to get in touch with your anger as anger can be a source of energy driving change... .

Over the past few years, I have found myself continuously shutting down emotionally, forcing myself to become numb to my own emotions (something I convinced myself was “neutrality”) in order to avoid accidentally being perceived as aggressive or upset. Yet it happens anyway. There will be some outside trigger to their anxiety and then they will focus on me and something, anything I say (or don’t say) will find it’s way to being a new argument. This happened today, and for the second time in two weeks I found myself fantasizing about running away from it all.

Understanding emotions, their importance in our lives and dealing them in a proactive manner is critical. You will find the workshops (pointers in the LESSONS) on validation helpful to get started.

They continuously base all of their emotional responses on their perception of the situation and not the words that I am speaking (or typing) - in fact they have explicitly told me that this is exactly what they do and that they “can’t help it”.  Which often means that if I want any peace at all it is up to me to run damage control for a situation that wasn’t meant to be anything but a casual question in the first place (such as “what did you buy for lunch”) but is now an “attack” on them personally. Staying calm seems to make it worse, they eventually become so exasperated with my responses I end up suffering the silent treatment or they will storm off with a litany of accusations that I am about to leave them,or very occasionally, suicide threats.

(I feel it’s fair to mention there is never violence, and that their aggression doesn’t come out as rage but as a very potent passive-aggressiveness - "Fine I will just never eat again... .!" and sheer avoidance)

Logic and words are overrated. PwBPD are very, very emotionally driven but once you spend more time focusing and accepting it you realize there is a cultural bias blinding us to the role of emotions in our daily interactions across the board.

I have all but given up on trying to do anything about it. I had all but given up on finding someone to talk to about any of this. I don’t have family and all of our other relationships are either his family or “shared” friends, most of which are distance friends. It is one of those distance friends that happans to have BPD themselves that finally made me look up the list of symptoms, and wow... the stories I found here have really resonated with me.

Well, you found us 

Has it always been this way? I suppose yes, a little, though recent years have been much much worse (I feel I may have lost my "shine" . There were always spats, and they have always had their self esteem issues, but they were always the most loving and beautiful person and really felt like a soul mate (please don't just be mirroring) During a recent "poly" experiment with a third partner a few years ago (this was their idea also, not mine) there was an absolute drama trainwreck (the third-person turned out to be an extreme narcissist and those are two cats that should never be in the same bag!) and they have taken up stalking each other online. This I think was the catalyst to their more recent spirals, but in all ways I still end up being the target.

Over time boundaries erode and some BPD specific problems accumulate in the relationship. It takes a while to rectify a situation that has been building up over years.

So really, just anyone reading this, I am not just here to unload of course, I am very much looking for suggestions on how to turn this around. Anything! ( And I apologize for all the parentheses. )

Start with the LESSONS. There are two key skills - boundaries and validation. Based on your post it may be best to start with the latter. Skills require initial understanding and then practice, practice and practice. You'll find the board a good place to discuss your struggles, progress and occasionally vent and get a 

Again

a0