Struggling with what felt real vs BPD behaviors

[problemsolver]

Hey again ,

So recently I was speaking to my mother she said "long story short she just isn't interested anymore , she went back to her old boyfriend for now he's not very attractive not sure what she sees in him blah blah" why can't it be that simple? In reality thats in essence what happened? The more I read about BPD the more confused I get; object constancy ? Essentially meaning that someone with BPD could forget about you without a constant reminder... Bears you may have bought for her or clothes that may be a reminder of you? Can a person with BPD forget they are in a r/s if you don't see them or talk to them for a few days?

":)id she really love me?" lesson written by a recovered BPD essential said no , not in a "healthy" way more based off the needs of the BPD person being met... Almost like you love your Iphone? I guess

Add on Guilt+Shame+Projection... I once said " I didn't know the last time would be the last time" ... .She said with a sad look on her face " I didn't want it to be" this is in relation to being together...  She was sad , at one point she wanted it to work but didn't know how... .She almost felt guilty but in hindsight at this point she was with her ex... So even more shame?

Don't even get me started on attachment/fear of abandonment... She will literally do anything if she's scared to lose you... Which is sad because that's not love... Literally say anything to keep someone around. Which then stems to compulsive or pathological lying:/ just to save face...

Splitting... When I became would say "oh I forgot we weren't dating anymore" which also goes back OC... She would also expect me to just jump straight back into r/s lovey dovey mode... I haven't heard from her in X amount of weeks but she would expect me to act as though she never left... So while she was out doing god knows what I was patiently waiting for her contact... Every time. I was painted from black to white I would lose mode and more trust as it felt so artificial...

there is so many more symptoms to look at but I'll leave it there

So why can't it just be I wasn't good boyfriend material? for her? Maybe her old boyfriend was a better fit? Maybe I was a rebound?   Why can't it just be simple?

[Invictus01]

It can be whatever you want it to be. The reason I started looking at personality disorders was because I felt so so so beyond anything I experienced before, a simple "she isn't just not that into you bro" wouldn't cut it. None of my previous break ups left me with symptoms of PTSD... .none of my previous break ups left me feeling like I was going insane... .none of my previous break ups just completely disassembled me to the point where my close friends started to suggest that maybe I need to go visit a psychologist. The whole thing was truly nuts. There was just something about it that made it so different than anything else I had dealt with.

[Michelle27]

It can be whatever you want it to be. The reason I started looking at personality disorders was because I felt so so so beyond anything I experienced before, a simple "she isn't just not that into you bro" wouldn't cut it. None of my previous break ups left me with symptoms of PTSD... .none of my previous break ups left me feeling like I was going insane... .none of my previous break ups just completely disassembled me to the point where my close friends started to suggest that maybe I need to go visit a psychologist. The whole thing was truly nuts. There was just something about it that made it so different than anything else I had dealt with.

Amen.  And thankfully, my relationship with a pwBPD also brought to the surface my own issues with self esteem and codependency so that I could fix myself and never have to worry about getting into a negative/abusive relationship like that again.

[SummerStorm]

It can be whatever you want it to be. The reason I started looking at personality disorders was because I felt so so so beyond anything I experienced before, a simple "she isn't just not that into you bro" wouldn't cut it. None of my previous break ups left me with symptoms of PTSD... .none of my previous break ups left me feeling like I was going insane... .none of my previous break ups just completely disassembled me to the point where my close friends started to suggest that maybe I need to go visit a psychologist. The whole thing was truly nuts. There was just something about it that made it so different than anything else I had dealt with.

Same here.  My first year of teaching was terrible.  Students were bad.  Parents were worse.  But I was never as miserable then as I've been the past few months.  A few years ago, my best friend from college just stopped talking to me.  We had been friends for 7 years.  I was obviously upset, but I got over it.  The girl I was madly (and secretly) in love with in high school got a boyfriend and, years later, is now engaged to him.  Not long after I graduated high school, I saw her, and I felt happy for her.  

There really is just something completely insane about detaching from a relationship with a pwBPD.  I mean, I was only friends with her for 5 months and only had a sexual relationship with her for a month, and I'm still a wreck.  

[stacma04]

I agree with invictus... .I've gone through break ups in the past and never have I felt that I needed to go see a therapist after the break up because usually a healthy break up you Atleast know why you've broken up... With BPD or any other disorder it leaves you completely confused, abused and used ... .needless to say I've had to go see a therapist just so they could tell me I wasn't crazy... .and I'm not... .these people will honestly make you feel nuts... .imagine getting back together after 6 months just to have them leave and go back to the other person they were with and get engaged one month after the break up,,, that in itself will make anyone go crazy... .stay strong and much peace to you

[SummerStorm]

The more I read about BPD the more confused I get; object constancy ? Essentially meaning that someone with BPD could forget about you without a constant reminder... Bears you may have bought for her or clothes that may be a reminder of you? Can a person with BPD forget they are in a r/s if you don't see them or talk to them for a few days?

Add on Guilt+Shame+Projection... I once said " I didn't know the last time would be the last time" ... .She said with a sad look on her face " I didn't want it to be" this is in relation to being together...  She was sad , at one point she wanted it to work but didn't know how... .She almost felt guilty but in hindsight at this point she was with her ex... So even more shame?

Object constancy is a real doozy.  A lack of it can be incredibly fun if you are around a baby and want to play peek-a-boo, but when it affects an adult, it can be the most painful thing in the world.  It doesn't mean that they completely forget you exist, but they tend to just not think about you.  They also basically forget things that happened.  But yes, things can trigger them and bring back memories.  For example, when my former friend was packing to move across the country (something that never happened, but that's another story), she came across three shirts that she'd borrowed from me and, after being asked for months to return them, she sent them to me, along with a card.  And she kept my number in her phone and my address in her GPS.  At this point, I don't know what she still has that I gave her.  I bought her a magnet, drew her pictures, and made her cards.  She also still has a book that belongs to me.  :)oes she still have these things?  If she does, will she be triggered and contact me again?  Who knows?

When mine was in the psych ward and told me that we would never be together in an actual relationship, I said, "Then, why didn't you just tell me that?  Why did you make me believe that you wanted to live with me and marry me?"  She replied, "I did want those things... .sometimes."  And the expression on her face was just so sad.  I truly believe that she wants romance and true love, but she just can't handle it.  So, instead, she dates losers and sells herself short in every other aspect of her life. 

[Mutt]

So why can't it just be I wasn't good boyfriend material? for her? Maybe her old boyfriend was a better fit? Maybe I was a rebound?   Why can't it just be simple?

Hi problemsolver,

SummerStorm has a good example with a game of peek-a-boo with a young child and object constancy; BPD is arrested emotional development.

I can relate with how confusing and painful all of this can be when we're trying to make sense of our relationships post break-up. I don't know how you feel but I went through my entire relationship unaware that personality disorders existed and I had a hard time accepting that my wife was suffering from mental illness.

I'm not saying that my experience is the same as yours but I had to tell myself often that my wife is mentally ill until it sunk in. I found reading the articles when I was struggling helped made sense and kept me grounded.

You sound like a nice guy, I understand its complicated, my advice is keep reading about the disorder and you'll find that things will eventually click in place and make sense.

BPD BEHAVIORS: Lack of object consistency

[Learning Fast]

In order to avoid "object constancy" my ex disposed of virtually everything that I ever gave her (and I gave her some very nice personalized items).  To springboard off off SS's post, surprisingly the one item that she kept (and does carry with her at all times) is a sketch that I drew outlining her unhappiness and the facade that she has built as a "moat" surrounding her emotions that prevented intimacy.  Her "mask" initially collapsed but then she composed herself and described it "as art, not psychiatry".

[SummerStorm]

In order to avoid "object constancy" my ex disposed of virtually everything that I ever gave her (and I gave her some very nice personalized items).  To springboard off off SS's post, surprisingly the one item that she kept (and does carry with her at all times) is a sketch that I drew outlining her unhappiness and the facade that she has built as a "moat" surrounding her emotions that prevented intimacy.  Her "mask" initially collapsed but then she composed herself and described it "as art, not psychiatry".

Yeah, she sent back what she borrowed from me and told me never to contact her again.  Then, she contacted me three weeks later.  I tried to remain neutral with her, but at one point, I mentioned us not being friends, and she replied, "Why aren't we friends?  I thought we were."

Once, she told me that she feels nothing most of the time and described it as a paint palette that has no paint on it.  So, I latched on to that whole metaphor (this was before things started going downhill) and made her a card with a paint palette on the front cover, with lots of colors on it.  Inside, I wrote some lyrics from Ed Sheeran's "Lego House" and something about wanting the put the colors back on her palette.  Romantic, lovely stuff, right?  I didn't even get a thank you or an acknowledgment of what was in the card.  So, I have no idea if she even still has it.