BPDex now in jail

[Beware of Junk Psychology...]

 

I broke with my BPD partner 60 days ago she moved in with her married sister out of state. I have had contact on and off and knew things were not going well. The sister and husband hard working and hard playing is their lifestyle but we're not prepared to deal with a manic BPD person. Tough love was their method and the husband has rage issues. Needless to say things escalated to a point of my ex raging at them and the whole thing was a powder keg ready to blow. My ex poured gasoline in their garage broke windows rode her bike thru the neighborhood and yelled fire, there was a police chase she was on her bike trying to out peddle I don't know how many squad cars. This happened last Sunday, today I get a call from the county jail, she has 50k bond for arson, attempted assault and a whole list of things.

I am in shock and disbelief regarding the violent behavior which I have not seen before.

Basically, the sadness I feel is monumental since I never saw this coming. Mental illness is not to be taken lightly by anyone, it can have very serious consequences if you are not educated or are not familiar with or have been disconnected from a loved one for a period of time. My ex is now considered a violent criminal.

I can't help but feel that there could have been a better outcome if the family were a little more educated about my exBPD's history.

There is nothing I can do obviously but it's painful and very sad.

[Eye438]

 

I broke with my BPD partner 60 days ago she moved in with her married sister out of state. I have had contact on and off and knew things were not going well. The sister and husband hard working and hard playing is their lifestyle but we're not prepared to deal with a manic BPD person. Tough love was their method and the husband has rage issues. Needless to say things escalated to a point of my ex raging at them and the whole thing was a powder keg ready to blow. My ex poured gasoline in their garage broke windows rode her bike thru the neighborhood and yelled fire, there was a police chase she was on her bike trying to out peddle I don't know how many squad cars. This happened last Sunday, today I get a call from the county jail, she has 50k bond for arson, attempted assault and a whole list of things.

I am in shock and disbelief regarding the violent behavior which I have not seen before.

Basically, the sadness I feel is monumental since I never saw this coming. Mental illness is not to be taken lightly by anyone, it can have very serious consequences if you are not educated or are not familiar with or have been disconnected from a loved one for a period of time. My ex is now considered a violent criminal.

I can't help but feel that there could have been a better outcome if the family were a little more educated about my exBPD's history.

There is nothing I can do obviously but it's painful and very sad.

[hurting300]

I'm sorry you're going thru this. Must be really tough wanting to help this person but can't figure out a way to do it. Unless she has other mental illness besides BPD she knew what the consequences of her actions would be. I would be happy that the court system will take care of her. Maybe this is the wake up call for her.

[enlighten me]

Hi Eye438

Im sorry you are going through this. You cant blame yourself for her actions though. If you had tried to educate her family would they have listened? If you hadn't of split up would she have done something like this to you?

Its very easy to feel guilty in situations like this but at the end of the day you cannot control everything. And not everyone can be saved.

Hurting I don't even think my exs see consequences. They just seem to see what they want and react to that. I think that's one of the major differences between nons and pwBPD. Nons think of the consequences of their actions so can avoid making bad decisions where as pwBPD just react. Ive seen this with instant gratification of buying things that they want and not consider how they will pay the bills. With hurtful things said. Cheating etc etc

[Eye438]

Thank you for responses, I would love to think this would be a wake up call, but unfortunately I am feeling she does not have the ability to think about consequences and yes the behavior is totally reactive. I am beginning to feel less and less hopeful that she can work thru or even has the ability to process this in a healthy way. I spent 5 years being caregiver and could no longer be a caretaker, she was quick to anger with my family and anyone I came in contact with. A headstrong woman who wanted control of my life even though she was always coping in very unhealthy ways. I have no guilt, I am feeling extremely sad at the moment knowing her future is grim and no one to "save" her from her own demise due to incorrect diagnosis for years. Bipolar 1 most of her life and just recently BPD among other things. She is one of many who fall through the cracks of our system and end up in jail or prison.

I am working at letting go but it will take time. It's hard to not have contact because of the gravity of her actions and the severe consequences. She snapped, just plain and simple. I have to move forward or as Samuel Beckett said "I can't go on, I will go on."

[Suzn]

Hello Eye438

I'm sorry you've had to go through all of this with your ex and feeling sad.    It's painful when we feel we can't fix the consequences of out of control behaviors for someone else.

I am no longer with my BPD girlfriend the detachment part began for me within this past year when her anger and rage arose out of nowhere it came as a shock when I had family at my home and she blew on me and them it was horrific.

This has been a pattern, the anger and rage issues aren't new. Was it likely something similar happened at your ex's sister's house?

A headstrong woman who wanted control of my life even though she was always coping in very unhealthy ways. I have no guilt, I am feeling extremely sad at the moment knowing her future is grim and no one to "save" her from her own demise due to incorrect diagnosis for years. Bipolar 1 most of her life and just recently BPD among other things. She is one of many who fall through the cracks of our system and end up in jail or prison.

Eye we know how difficult it is to replay a tape like this one over and over in our minds. This may indeed be the wake up call your ex needs. Natural consequences for out of control behaviors. Since she has a diagnosis this may very well be the beginning of her finally getting the help she needs. There are counselors involved when a prison sentence is complete and may very well be involved long before, during incarceration. There's always the chance of probation and hopefully a counselor will be mandatory.

The sister and husband hard working and hard playing is their lifestyle but we're not prepared to deal with a manic BPD person. Tough love was their method and the husband has rage issues.

Did the husband have rage issues? Was this something you saw or something you were told? I only ask because my exBPDgf led me to believe that she was never at fault for her behaviors and I believed her for several years. I looked to everyone else as the cause of her out of control behaviors. Many of her friends I felt were "bad influences" when in fact her behaviors were her responsibility.

Very few have the education and understanding to handle this type of out of control behavior. Expecting someone not to rage at the dinner table in your home and addressing this type of behavior is about good boundaries. "Tough love" is often necessary when dealing with a pwBPD. "Tough" meaning hold your boundaries, "love" meaning being capable of compassion while doing so.  

I'm glad to hear your exBPDgf was in therapy. Maybe she will pick this back up now that she has seen there are consequences for not being capable of controlling her impulses. We can try to be optimistic.  

[Eye438]

Hello Eye438

I'm sorry you've had to go through all of this with your ex and feeling sad.    It's painful when we feel we can't fix the consequences of out of control behaviors for someone else.

I am no longer with my BPD girlfriend the detachment part began for me within this past year when her anger and rage arose out of nowhere it came as a shock when I had family at my home and she blew on me and them it was horrific.

This has been a pattern, the anger and rage issues aren't new. Was it likely something similar happened at your ex's sister's house?

A headstrong woman who wanted control of my life even though she was always coping in very unhealthy ways. I have no guilt, I am feeling extremely sad at the moment knowing her future is grim and no one to "save" her from her own demise due to incorrect diagnosis for years. Bipolar 1 most of her life and just recently BPD among other things. She is one of many who fall through the cracks of our system and end up in jail or prison.

Eye we know how difficult it is to replay a tape like this one over and over in our minds. This may indeed be the wake up call your ex needs. Natural consequences for out of control behaviors. Since she has a diagnosis this may very well be the beginning of her finally getting the help she needs. There are counselors involved when a prison sentence is complete and may very well be involved long before, during incarceration. There's always the chance of probation and hopefully a counselor will be mandatory.

The sister and husband hard working and hard playing is their lifestyle but we're not prepared to deal with a manic BPD person. Tough love was their method and the husband has rage issues.

Did the husband have rage issues? Was this something you saw or something you were told? I only ask because my exBPDgf led me to believe that she was never at fault for her behaviors and I believed her for several years. I looked to everyone else as the cause of her out of control behaviors. Many of her friends I felt were "bad influences" when in fact her behaviors were her responsibility.

Very few have the education and understanding to handle this type of out of control behavior. Expecting someone not to rage at the dinner table in your home and addressing this type of behavior is about good boundaries. "Tough love" is often necessary when dealing with a pwBPD. "Tough" meaning hold your boundaries, "love" meaning being capable of compassion while doing so.  

I'm glad to hear your exBPDgf was in therapy. Maybe she will pick this back up now that she has seen there are consequences for not being capable of controlling her impulses. We can try to be optimistic.  

well, I guess their form of tough love was to lock her out of the house when they left for the day and of course that put more fuel on my exes fire she snapped. You are right the majority of us are not educated or understand how to deal with mental illness. She raged when living with me once in five years and that was last year, I was afraid and began a process within myself to detach because of how abusive she became and out of control rage.

Her brother in law is alcoholic and obsessive compulsive I met him once and know first hand, that combination was combustible literally and figuratively. I hope you are right and this will be a wake up call to my exBPD, since now she has no one to turn to. Thank you for response, coming here to talk is always helpful.

[OnceConfused]

We are as a result of all we have done , up to today.

Your x is in jail because of all the things she has done (or chosen to do so) up to today. She showed no remorse, nor appreciation for people who took her in. LUckily, she did not kill anyone.

Say a prayer to God, that she did not burn your apartment or house down and kill you. Say a prayer for her for she is exactly where her actions bring about - in jail.

Time to let her be and let her go.

[Suzn]

Her brother in law is alcoholic and obsessive compulsive I met him once and know first hand, that combination was combustible literally and figuratively.

I see. That IS unfortunate.

I hope you are right and this will be a wake up call to my exBPD, since now she has no one to turn to.

As hard as it is to accept, if no one rescues her from her actions she will have someone to turn to... .herself.

[hurting300]

Let me rephrase what I said earlier, maybe your ex does not know what the consequences are for her actions due too other mental illness she might have plus the BPD. The court system will evaluate her and hopefully help her. Now with my ex she understood right from wrong and chose to do wrong. So in my case this is true and sometimes I have i remember not all people are the same. So I apologize.

[Eye438]

We are as a result of all we have done , up to today.

Your x is in jail because of all the things she has done (or chosen to do so) up to today. She showed no remorse, nor appreciation for people who took her in. LUckily, she did not kill anyone.

Say a prayer to God, that she did not burn your apartment or house down and kill you. Say a prayer for her for she is exactly where her actions bring about - in jail.

Time to let her be and let her go.

amen to that! I already did by dropping her at a homeless shelter and now it's up to her.

[Eye438]

Let me rephrase what I said earlier, maybe your ex does not know what the consequences are for her actions due too other mental illness she might have plus the BPD. The court system will evaluate her and hopefully help her. Now with my ex she understood right from wrong and chose to do wrong. So in my case this is true and sometimes I have i remember not all people are the same. So I apologize.

i

Thank you! I honestly don't know what she knows at this point other than she snapped and really went off like an animal, I had a feeling about it, thank god it didn't happen in my home but I am codependent and now fully know what I need to do for me. It's possible she wanted consequences as a cry for help, I spent 5 years of my life battling the mental health system for her, she needs intense DBT therapy which we could no find where I live. People fall thru the cracks in our poorly funded mental health system. Thanks again

[Eye438]

Her brother in law is alcoholic and obsessive compulsive I met him once and know first hand, that combination was combustible literally and figuratively.

I see. That IS unfortunate.

I hope you are right and this will be a wake up call to my exBPD, since now she has no one to turn to.

As hard as it is to accept, if no one rescues her from her actions she will have someone to turn to... .herself.

Thank that is very enlightening it is all on her now, no one left to care give and pick up the broken pieces and lives she has shattered along the way. This really needed to happen and maybe she knows that too.

[Suzn]

that is very enlightening it is all on her now, no one left to care

Let's hope no one left to care happens. Hopefully her family will be there to care and for support eventually. No on left to pick up broken pieces, yes. There's a big difference in support and rescue.

[Eye438]

that is very enlightening it is all on her now, no one left to care

Let's hope no one left to care happens. Hopefully her family will be there to care and for support eventually. No on left to pick up broken pieces, yes. There's a big difference in support and rescue.

It's up to the system now I can't dwell on it right now I am very fragile as it is, her family changed their phone numbers. There are no friends just me answering her calls and I need to let go. There is nothing I can do but hope for her well being. This has been the worst experience of my life.

[Suzn]

You are equally important. Taking care of you right now is priority one. 

[Eye438]

You are equally important. Taking care of you right now is priority one. 

I am digging into books and self help as I have always done only now after all these years I realize my mother was BPD and I was trained to be codependent. The realization is an epiphany. So many similarities with my BPDx it's frightening, my mother should have been jailed. I am not going back I refuse to, I am learning to enjoy being with me and the rest of my life what's left of it. I am a very well known outsider artist and I have my work to focus on which I have not been able to do for quite some time. I feel like I am running forward at times but working on oneself is a long process. I still feel like a hurt child and needing to feel loved is the nucleus of my problem. Especially now, the hurt is so big and really it has to do with the BPD mother. Thank you for listening

[Suzn]

I still feel like a hurt child and needing to feel loved is the nucleus of my problem.

I know this feeling. Sit that child down and let her know you are here to protect and love her now.

If you are inclined to look over the survivor's guide and talk with others who feel this way we have another board that may interest you. It can help to talk. It's here: [L5] Coping and Healing from a BPD Parent, Sibling, or Inlaw

[Eye438]

I still feel like a hurt child and needing to feel loved is the nucleus of my problem.

I know this feeling. Sit that child down and let her know you are here to protect and love her now.

If you are inclined to look over the survivor's guide and talk with others who feel this way we have another board that may interest you. It can help to talk. It's here: [L5] Coping and Healing from a BPD Parent, Sibling, or Inlaw

Thank you for the push. It's almost as if I don't want to go there, it's very heavy for me. I am 61 and don't want to be in this place at this moment. But I am and it's weighty, it takes away energy for painting because that is what I have always painted about. I painted my story, all the family members particularly on the maternal side. I was asked to write the stories behind the paintings too. It really released a lot of pressure with all of the abuse. Now I feel there is going to be a part 2 to the story as I am trying to build a body of work and struggle this go around because of this last BPDgf. My sister came to stay for nearly 2 weeks and acted like my mother it was awful. She left last Thursday in a rage. I can't go on about it, it just seems never ending, as if I want to scream I can't breath.

I finally made an appointment for my therapist which is something I need to do desperately.