Seeing my ex for the first time in seven months - heartbroken.

[MincedGarlic]

I thought that over the last seven months that I had made progress after I ended the relationship and my exBPDfiance moved out. Living in a small town I had been preparing myself for eventually running into her. The other day she walked past my office and I just froze. I felt physically sick seeing her. Seeing her happy and laughing even though I know that she is three different people (who she is in public, who she wants to be and who she really is) it just shattered me. Here I am seven months out only just starting to get my life back together and seeing her going about life as though she's never been happier tore me to pieces.

I know that this is my problem, that my ex BPDfiance met my emotional needs on a very deep and complete level. That as a child I never felt included or accepted in my FOO. Initially I didn't want to believe it with my exBPDfiance though over time I came to accept, believe and finally feel like I was accepted and loved for exactly who and how I was.

I have been seeing a new girl in the last two months (who knows exactly where I am at). She is taking it slow (at my request – she knows that I am in no place to provide any sort of commitment and is happy with us just hanging out and having fun). She is kind, caring, compassionate, attractive, drama free, accepts me for who I am and is so easy going though it's not the same. Its not the same with intimacy, I don't feel the same level of connection. I still miss the connection I felt with my ex and struggle with hanging onto hope that she may contact me even though I have been NC for the last seven months and nothing at all from her in this time.

I feel like I've taken a massive step back the other day seeing her. My psych said I need to see it as an intensely strong emotional experience in my life and that I can learn from this in the future, and I know this – what I struggle with is the dichotomy between me logically and emotionally. I don't know how to connect these together and I need to be able to do so to move on with my life. Any suggestions?

[balletomane]

I don't think you've taken a step back. Coping when your ex isn't around is very different from coping with seeing your ex unexpectedly like that, as she is associated with such painful memories for you. A couple of months ago I needed to find an old email buried in my inbox somewhere, and the search term I used to find it also brought up an email that my ex had sent, one of his last - my stomach lurched just at seeing his name unexpectedly on the screen. It is hard to deal with a sudden reminder of them when you don't expect it. This is your first time actually seeing her since you went no-contact, and that was always going to be challenging, so try to remember that and not beat yourself up for being unable to have a completely detached reaction. You couldn't expect that of yourself.

I also think that it takes time for emotions and logic to get in sync and the only thing you can do in that situation is wait. It sounds as though you're doing the right things  so far - you are open with the new woman you're dating about what your experiences were and what you need now, for example. But seven months is an incredibly short time, even though it might not seem it, and I think you're putting too much pressure on yourself to have moved on. It's not something you can force.

[MincedGarlic]

Recently I deleted all the photos I had of her, up until then I wasn't able to even look at them without feeling like I was dying inside. When I did delete them I didn't have much emotional response to them at all, it was if she was just somebody that I used to know once upon a time. Though seeing her, remembering what it was like to be close to her, waking up with her snuggled up to me and all of the good that was in our relationship came flooding back.

I realised that yes, I miss the dreams we had, but I also miss her. I miss her smell, hearing about her day, holding her close, her smile... .To know that she painted me black and then discarded me without a second thought still cuts me to my core.

I'm still hurting as much as ever, and I need it to stop. I've never been like this with any other breakup in the past. This though is not why I still hold out hope / wish that she would contact me. I'm stuck with wanting back what was and cannot seem to move past this even though logically I know that it is highly unlikely at best.

[Mutt]

Hi MincedGarlic,

Its not the same with intimacy, I don't feel the same level of connection.

Experience is the hardest kind of teacher. It gives you the test first and the lesson afterward - Oscar Wilde

I can relate with that. It's not to say that you take my experience as yours but I felt like my ex got me at the onset of the relationship. What I was desperate for was validation that I lacked from caregivers in my FOO.

What we experience and our partners experience are different things and a pwBPD will relinquish control at the beginning of the relationship.

Do you feel like the difference is with the new girl is that it's not emotional intensity like you're ex provided in the idealization phase but maybe she's giving you emotional intimacy? A pwBPD want emotional intimacy  but they can't provide it she the person becomes too close, it triggers their fear of engulfment.

what I struggle with is the dichotomy between me logically and emotionally. I don't know how to connect these together and I need to be able to do so to move on with my life. Any suggestions?

I agree with ballotomane. Do you feel like you may need more time behind you? I can see how you would feel triggered when you saw your ex. Your ex has defense mechanisms and maladaptive behaviors and she grieves differently than a non disordered person. I think it takes us longer to recover from the break-up of a relationship than a pwBPD does.

Are you comparing yourself and how you process loss with your ex?

You're doing positive things for yourself, you're connecting with someone, you're seeing a T. I understand how a break-up with a pwBPD may rupture old emotional wounds. There's no magic pill. Maybe talk to your T and ask about working on core stuff?

We have a personal inventory board where you can share past experiences with FOO, it may help to share with members here:

[L6] Personal Inventory and Self-awareness

I hope that helps.

[myself]

Remember, you only saw her for a moment. One moment out of that day, that week, and so on. She happened to look happy (or so it seemed). You didn't see her when she was crying, upset, or whatever else, or that may be how you'd think she's doing now.

Loving someone and having to let go is not easy. It's grieving.

You've definitely made progress to get where you are now. Keep going.