What was your journey out of co-dependency like?

[Magnolia2]

What was it like to recover from co-dependency?  What steps did you take how long was your treatment,  what role did a counselor or therapist play?  I need to work on me and want to know what to expect.

Thanks!

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[Notwendy]

Hi Magnolia, and welcome to this site.

What was my journey out of co-dependency like?

This is a personal journey, one that is different for everyone in terms of personal work, time it takes, but I think it is worth all the effort I gave it.

I don't think it is something we entirely "finish" but it does get better. I think it is a work in progress. Rather than a "finish line" to me it was glimpses of progress- but they were really big steps. For instance, one might be realizing that something that once triggered me, didn't anymore, or if something did, my reaction didn't last as long.

It meant realizing I didn't take something personally, or bite the "bait" to an argument, or jump in to rescue someone.

Or realizing that when I did, I could recognize it, and get myself calm sooner.

It is circular, not a straight line of growth. Sometimes I do better than other times, but the circle spirals away from being co-dependent over time.

Although I had wanted marital counseling for years, my H had refused. When he finally agreed, one of the first things the T recommended for me was a 12 step co-dependency group. I was willing to do anything it took to make things better. I was not happy that she didn't give a recommendation to my H. It felt as if the blame of the marital issues were on me. In retrospect, I realize she must have sensed that I was more motivated to do the personal work it took to change.

I got a sponsor, who at first, scared the daylights out of me. She would not let me get away with any of my old habits. If I complained about my H, or anyone else, she turned that right back on me. Yes, I was angry sometimes. The MT reinforced that. Attending groups scared me too. Who were all these people? Some, I thought didn't have it together, but some did. Eventually though, I got more comfortable with groups too.

I think this has been one of the best investments I made in myself. If I could take one piece of advice it would be to get a sponsor and work sincerely with that sponsor. Having a sponsor to turn the mirror on the parts of me I didn't see- or want to see- and also hold my feet to the fire was essential. I could not have done this for myself- not sure many people can. I don't think it is easy to trust a sponsor to do this, but by doing so, she was able to see where work needed to be done- where I could not see it myself.

[ArleighBurke]

I read a lot, and had 3 different therapists over about 4yrs. (They all seemed to retire or quit so I had to keep changing... .).

It is certainly a circular process, and I can't believe how long it takes. There are little changes you make, almost without knowing, and i guess it takes a long time for it to become "automatic" in you.

My BPDw hated it. She feels like there is much more "distance" between us and I don't care about her - because I don't react the same way to her, and she can't manipulate me the way she did before. I also don't instantly adopt her emotions now - I choose whether I really feel that way or not.

I, too, feel like I am more distant from her - but I'm not sure why. I feel more "adult" and in control, but I don't have the same burning desire for her i used to. Not sure if that's co-dependent going, or "infatuation". I guess I feel "independent" - comfortable to do my own thing, and concerned about her mood but not "owning" it.