Hi

[Eyeamme]

Hi there,

I am new here. I have just realized that my daughter exhibits BPD traits. She is 33 and I have been the object of her anger. I am feeling so confused right now. Everything I have believed to be truths about myself because my daughter has accused me of them so many times and I bought it, most of it was really not true. I feel scared and sad. We are not speaking after my last visit and my heart is broken because I have to walk away for a while. This means not talking to my grand babies. I don't know where to start.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[mimi99]

Welcome. I know how painful it can be to deal with a BPD child. The sadness of realizing how sick they are, and the powerlessness of not being able to help them is overwhelming at times. And to be kept from your grandchildren must be so sad.

When we are told something over and over again, we may eventually believe it to be true. This seems to have happened to you with your daughter's accusations. I am the one that my daughter (24) paints as the villain, too. I have had to detach for my own sanity. I have limited the amount of contact to communicating via text only as it relates to her visitation with gd5 (we have custody). Texting is very helpful as it gives me time to think about my response so that I don't make things worse. For a long time I felt it was my duty to "correct" her distorted thinking, but I have come to realize that this is not possible. She only takes it as a criticism and never sees the point I am trying to make. I have learned through this site that I have been invalidating her for years, under the illusion of being helpful.

The tools are very useful, as well as reading other posts, and the wonderful, well-thought-out replies to my question. I hope you find some help here

[mom2bpd]

My daughter who is an undiagnosed BPD is also 33 and she has made me a villain many times also. I agree concerning texts rather than phone calls and sometimes I even ask my husband to read the text before I send it to be sure nothing could be taken the wrong way or come off as a put down. I've also learned that less is more with a borderline. I never say more than necessary. I've given up on getting points across. I'll only try interjecting ideas for her to ponder when I feel she is in a good place. I've learned too to have no expectations.  Keep posting and reading here and I hope u are able to eventually regain contact with at least your grandchildren.

[Eyeamme]

Thanks so much for your replies. I am so relieved to find people who understand. The last text I sent was telling my daughter that I missed and loved her and the kids. She wrote back to stop texting her like a 12 year old and pick up the phone if I want to talk to her. I don't want to engage so I haven't. I need to save me before I can help her.

Thank you thank you for being her.

J.

[lbjnltx]

Welcome to the Parenting Board Eyeamme.

It sometimes takes us Parents a while to get the  point you make below... .this is huge!

I need to save me before I can help her.

Where do you feel you need to focus your efforts right now?  Communication, boundaries, coping skills?

lbj

[Eyeamme]

All of the above :--)

[lbjnltx]

All of the above :--)

The good news is that most all this information is collected under the Lessons to the right of our posts in the side bar---------------------->

The Lessons begin with understanding the disorder, thinking errors and belief systems our kids engage in... .knowledge is empowering and understanding what drives their reactions  can help you make changes that benefit both of you.  There are links to workshops, videos and articles to reinforce the information and help us identify how the disorder manifests in our own personal situation.

I encourage you to participate in the workshops, getting feedback specific to ourselves/situations is highly valuable.  We are here to help one another through each step.

lbjnltx