Can no longer cope with BPD mother.

[Our abuse recovery guide]

I'm 17 years old, living at home with my single mother and 4 of my siblings (one of which is temporarily here having just returned from travelling). She has been diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder for over 10 years now, although I truly believe from my own research that she is 100% BPD. She will rant about the smallest thing for hours on end and if anyone shows any emotion towards her verbal abuse it worsens, you are selfish and called every name under the sun if you 'act like you are the victim' when she has always been the victim, or she will rant on and convince herself that someone else or something else has upset you throughout the day which is why you are upset now. As a result of this the times I do show any emotion towards her actions are very rare, and over time I have learnt to completely block out her behaviour which has worked as a coping mechanism, although there is a slight flaw in that the build up of hurt finds its way out at some point. Throughout my life I have had her constant put downs and nasty comments, she has never been a mother I could confide in and go to for help when I am upset. She has always been a good mother in the way of providing us with food, clothes and shelter and I often feel extremely guilty as she is not a happy person, close family live nearby but they have distanced themselves from her because of the way she has acted towards them in the past and still does on the occasions they do come round. This contributes to her anger and 'abandonment' and she often refers to them as the 'dark side' which I am a part of because I like to have a good relationship with them. I am very very confused between feeling anger and feeling guilt at the same time. Though a positive of this is that I believe I have made the most of my situation and the way my mother is has made me very independent and motivated to do well in life. I see my education as a way to escape and have always tried my best in school and college, I am currently doing my A levels and hoping to go to university next year but am finding things hard due to her increasing worse rants and 'mentals' which the family refer to them as. Im wondering does anyone have any different ways of coping with this, or maybe having some kind of relationship with my mother which seems impossible. When she rants and raves she comes across to absolutely despise me and sometimes she will just watch me to find something I do that she doesn't like which she can cause a drama out of to make me feel bad about myself and I really do end up feeling like an evil person until I look back and analyse what actually happened and see that I didn't do anything wrong i was just made to feel that way for no apparent reason. Anyway I could go on forever, anyone have a similar situation and also, as she hasn't actually been diagnosed with BPD does she have a strong case?

[Bambi279]

I'm 17 years old, living at home with my single mother and 4 of my siblings (one of which is temporarily here having just returned from travelling). She has been diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder for over 10 years now, although I truly believe from my own research that she is 100% BPD. She will rant about the smallest thing for hours on end and if anyone shows any emotion towards her verbal abuse it worsens, you are selfish and called every name under the sun if you 'act like you are the victim' when she has always been the victim, or she will rant on and convince herself that someone else or something else has upset you throughout the day which is why you are upset now. As a result of this the times I do show any emotion towards her actions are very rare, and over time I have learnt to completely block out her behaviour which has worked as a coping mechanism, although there is a slight flaw in that the build up of hurt finds its way out at some point. Throughout my life I have had her constant put downs and nasty comments, she has never been a mother I could confide in and go to for help when I am upset. She has always been a good mother in the way of providing us with food, clothes and shelter and I often feel extremely guilty as she is not a happy person, close family live nearby but they have distanced themselves from her because of the way she has acted towards them in the past and still does on the occasions they do come round. This contributes to her anger and 'abandonment' and she often refers to them as the 'dark side' which I am a part of because I like to have a good relationship with them. I am very very confused between feeling anger and feeling guilt at the same time. Though a positive of this is that I believe I have made the most of my situation and the way my mother is has made me very independent and motivated to do well in life. I see my education as a way to escape and have always tried my best in school and college, I am currently doing my A levels and hoping to go to university next year but am finding things hard due to her increasing worse rants and 'mentals' which the family refer to them as. Im wondering does anyone have any different ways of coping with this, or maybe having some kind of relationship with my mother which seems impossible. When she rants and raves she comes across to absolutely despise me and sometimes she will just watch me to find something I do that she doesn't like which she can cause a drama out of to make me feel bad about myself and I really do end up feeling like an evil person until I look back and analyse what actually happened and see that I didn't do anything wrong i was just made to feel that way for no apparent reason. Anyway I could go on forever, anyone have a similar situation and also, as she hasn't actually been diagnosed with BPD does she have a strong case?

[hermama]

Hi Bambi279. 

My teenage granddaughter is in the same situation as you. I mean SAME. I'm texting her right now because of another incident tonight. I don't know if she can join this message board without leaving tracks if you know what I mean. I wish you two could talk to each other. Everything you have said is valid and you should trust your perception. you sound like an intelligent young lady and I'm so sorry you have to go through this. Can I private message you or would you private message me? I will tell you more.

This is a wonderful site for finding the support and validation you need.

{{{hugs to you}}}

[Charlie3236]

Hey sweet girl! I could have written your story it's so similar to mine! My mother was also uBPD and extremely mentally abusive until she committed suicide. I hate to say it, but it was the best thing she ever did for me! Not that I'm saying that is the way to go or anything!

I wish I could give you some tips and tools to make your life easier and make your mother shut the F up! And while there are excellent tools on this site, in my experience they never really get any better (short of a miracle salvation). The best thing you can do is take care of YOU. For me developing a strong faith in God helped me to hold onto a bigger picture and a greater purpose, and the knowledge that all the pain was temporary.

There will be fallout from living with someone so abusive, but I can tell you that the more distance you have the better and better your life will be. And things and people will start to make SENSE, and you'll have to learn how to trust but it will SO be worth it. I'm living proof that you CAN survive and THRIVE!

Be encouraged and hopeful, you are doing the best you can in an incredibly abusive situation. But it is almost done. Peace & blessings!

[Bambi279]

Hello Charlie3236. I'm really sorry for your loss but glad things have worked out for you! I often wonder when I constantly get the 'I'm going to kill myself soon and then you'll be sorry' and 'I'm not going to be here much longer anyway' comments what it would really be like if she did do something like that (and I really hope not). But every time she is in a rage and says things like this I can imagine the peacefully quiet and stress free atmosphere that it would result in, i feel extremely guilty that i get these thoughts and I know full well that I would always feel hurt and broken from her loss as I have always hoped that later in life i can make her happy which for someone with BPD doesn't seem very possible as nothing is ever good enough but I have always had the faith that when I have a stable life of my own we could build a new relationship afresh and it may not be very hopeful but I wont give up until I've tried my best. The way I have grown to understand she has a disorder and sometimes cant help the things she does has partially helped me come to terms with it and it is hard because I know deep down she feels incredibly guilty for all she has done to her children which ironically makes her even more abusive as she becomes fixated on making out that everyone around her is horrible to lessen her feelings of guilt it is a continuous cycle!

University for me will be a good experience and will help me keep a distance and I will find out how she reacts to it when it happens. I feel a lot of guilt for what my younger siblings are going to go through whilst I am gone though.

Thankyou for your support and blessings, straight back at you! 

[Confused#2]

Hi I understand your pain and confusion. I also had a BPD mother. All relatives stayed away from her also. This is soo isolating for the children. You do not say if your father is involved or not. Mine was soo distant and probably confused himself since this disorder was not understood 50 yrs ago. I can only say that going to college saved me! Although my social skills and own anxieties quickly showed up when I was finally "free". I hope you can get some help from the social worker or someone to prepare you for college so you can be successful. It does get better but I knew I had to cut off contact with my mother back then. It helped that she threw me out of the house of few months before I went to college. I knew I was not strong enough to have contact and get better myself. Maybe you are stronger. My sister is a mirror image of my mother now and since I am much older and stronger I can have contact with her and sympathy too. Good Luck Honey!

[clamcake]

I was with you when I was 17, my dear. I ended up dropping out of high school just so I could go to college early and escape my household. My mother does not have a formal diagnosis, and many people with BPD don't, as one of the main hallmarks of the disorder is the inability for the person to recognize that there is anything wrong with them. Because of this, they will often not even see a mental health professional. Safe to say, your mother most certainly has BPD.

I am currently completely estranged from my mother because she was using my son as ammunition, calling CPS in efforts to get him taken away from me, for no reason other than the delusions she had created about me, and the seeming need for BPD people to be vindictive when they swing so far into the "Jekyll" stage that has no rhyme or reason. She ended up targeting my now-husband as well, which ended up being the last straw, as she could have completely ruined our lives with what she did. I hope it never comes to this with others, but often, it is the only recourse. I am 27 now, realized the codependency at about 23, and broke from her 2 years ago. These have been the most peaceful 2 years of my life.

My main messages to you are 1. It gets better and 2. It gets better with distance. It sounds like you're doing the right thing by not engaging her behavior. Let that get you through until you can leave, but then be very careful about emotional codependency later on. Keep her at more than an arm's length. She may try to lure you into financial dependency as best she can, so do your absolute best to avoid that, as well. It sounds like you're in the UK, so I don't know what college tuition is like there, but my mother kept me on a short leash as she was the one paying for my tuition. I didn't know, every semester, whether I'd be going back for the next one. This veiled the emotional codependency, which led me down a terrible path for many years.

Most of all, do not feel guilty. You are the victim in this relationship. Nothing you are doing is causing her behavior, and there is nothing you can do to help. You are not being a bad child because you refuse to engage her abuse. That, I'm afraid to say, is the codependency that people with BPD thrive on. Be aware of it as much as you can. And don't feel guilty. Stay strong.

[cobwebfaery]

i think my mom unBPD.  i want to ask others, i'm now aware of the fact that she had possible pers. dis.BPD and it has set me free in a way that makes me long to go back in time and be alive there, which seem s  to reveal that i was not alive then in any real sense.  it wsn't just her, it was a father who just never mentioned it or talked to me just started a new life and did access visits with just me and my sister and then his growing new family.  what do others think about this 'now i am alive' thing (even though i'm often depressed and etc its still not that non aliveness); also what do poeple think about the complete silence of other people in ones life, on the topic of what they as adults could SEE but oneself couldn't through closeness and love for the parent with the BPD? is this BPD type disorder/syndrome the taboo still that it was then.  do other poeple think 'if only one person had SAID the words your (parent) has severe emotional problems, and i am here if u ever feel scared' .  do other people go over and over the simple thing that would have changed a whole life? i think its equivalent to not being given a life jacket whilst in a sinking boat; they just watch u drown for lack of this INFORMATION they can see; its just waste of life-opportunities.