Surviving the breakup

[flt0921]

Hi... .

Two weeks ago my now ex bf, who suffers from BPD decided to end it. He blames himself because of all the things he did during our relationship and how he was hurting me and said we needed to part ways so he could stop hurting me, deal with his problems and eventually find our way back. During those two weeks we've been transitioning into moving out, etc. and all he has done is find new ways to hurt me such as parading himself with his new conquest in front of me, telling me all about her while denying that he is romantically interested in her, lying, making me feel humiliated but at the same time telling me that I was the best thing that has ever happened to him, that he was an idiot to damage it all, that he knows he has a problem that makes him self destruct, and that he wants to get better to eventually be with me. I feel awful, to the point where I've almost begged him to take me back so we can work on this together. It hurts because I see him with her and see him be "ok" (even though I know he's not ok) and I wonder what did I mean to him? How is it that it is so easy for him to get rid of me and continue on after all I did for him? Whenever I ask him all he says is that he feels lost and doesn't know what he wants. I need help to get over this.

[C.Stein]

I think he wants options. 

I ask myself the same questions that you are asking 100 times a day or more.  While my ex is not parading anyone in front of me, she has quite coldly cut me out of her life without any apparent remorse or regret.  It has been one of the hardest things I have ever had to deal with in my life.  To see the person who I gave everything too and shared a very unique and special bond (at least for me) treat me like she has is beyond painful.  It simple boggles my mind and I just want to get over it too.  I am dead to her but she is very much alive in me and it is destroying me.   We both need to take care of our own needs now and focus on things that can bring peace and positive change in our lives.

[JQ]

Hello flt0921  

I'm sorry to hear that you're going through all of this    I see that you're new hear with only 5 posts ... .I would encourage you to read the different references here & other places. I would encourage you to look inward to yourself, self reflection, & seek out a really good therapist to help you through this tough time. come here as often as you need to vent & seek out guidance and to get a cyber hug    Most of us have been where you are ... .and know the pain, hurt, and the host of other things you are feeling or thinking.  No question about it, it sucks ... .but you will climb the mountain in front of you ... .and at the top you will see everything in front of you ... .all the opportunities that await you.

As he said, "that he knows he has a problem that makes him self destruct"  The question is, is he self aware of having a behavioral illness, "BPD"?  he is aware of his behavior causes him to self destruct ... .but it sounds as he has a long way to go in learning about himself and anyone here will tell that the BPDs will spend decades in therapy and still have behavioral issues. My exBPDgf has been in & out of therapy for more then 30 years with multiple therapist and she still has behavioral issues. She knows she still has to heal herself but at the same time she continues with bad behavior, she continues to act out and hurt those close to her and IMHO she will continue to do this for the rest of her life. She will forever be "damage" and will continue to deal with her demons that have caused her a lifetime of hurt, pain, and loneness. She continues to say that she's lost & doesn't know what she wants ... .again I think she will always be lost due to the trauma she suffered as a child.

Like you, I wish I could wave a magic wand & make it all go away. To take away her pain, to give her the peace of mind & rest her soul certainly deserves. But with BPD ... .I've learned that, "I didn't Cause it! I can't Control it! I can't Cure it!"  At the same time, I've had to look inward, self reflect, self evaluation and I've learned so much about myself & learned that my childhood events of a mother who was BPD & an absent alcoholic father are in part the reason I am a care giver, a knight in armor wanting to protect others, a cowboy in the white hat riding in to save those who can't save themselves, to sacrifice myself, mind body and soul for others.

I've learned to say no ... .no to those who would take advantage of my good will, my good intentions to help you up ... .I've learned that their circus is THIER circus and NOT MINE! That their flying monkey's are THIER flying monkeys and NOT MINE!  I can suggest ways to help ... .but I'm not going to take on their issues or problems.  I tell you these things to help you know that we've all been there ... .that you are not alone in the way that you feel ... .that it will get better ... .IT WILL ALWAYS GET BETTER!

You ask, "How is it that it is so easy for him to get rid of me and continue on after all I did for him?"  You have to realize that it has NOTHING ... .NOTHING to do with you flt0921!  It has EVERYTHING to do with him ... .and not him ... .but his behavioral illness that will forever be with him. NOTHING you say, or don't say, NOTHING you do or don't do, will change, fix, heal, correct, his behavior. If he is self aware of being "Lost, doesn't know what he wants, self destruction" ... .then it's the first of MANY  baby steps he'll need to take on the road to recovery. My exBPDgf said the very same things ... .she paraded her "new bf" in front of me & even told me that she didn't love him ... .but had very strong feelings for him. Knew that he wasn't the one, but couldn't bring herself to break up with him.

As much as it hurt ... .I know that I'm in a better place. I've learned  a lot about myself and that is ALWAYS a good thing. To really look deep and learn about yourself ... .I actually look at others and wonder if they've ever done something so soul searching ... .what a journey it has been. YOU will get over this! YOU will emerge on the other side a stronger person! YOU will take this life learning lesson and get into a loving, caring, mutually respectful relationship that you want and certainly deserve!

Breath deep & exhale slowly ... .center yourself ... .get outside & see the sun as much as possible. Winter is at the doorstep & you'll miss it.  Spend as much time with friends as possible, call someone you haven't talked to in a long time ... .catch up with them. Learn about yourself ... .embrace the freedom that you have that most will never experience in this life. Move forward & explore life! yes you might stumble ... .yes you might fall down ... .but pick yourself up, square yourself up, lean forward & take the next step. A quote from a Batman movie ... ." Bruce, why do we fall? So we can learn to pick ourselves back up again." Thomas Wayne ... .although from a movie ... .I think about it often and see how it really does apply to some situations in life.

You are among friends here flt0921 ... .here you'll find no one will judge you. Here you'll find those who have been what you've been through and understand what your going through or will go through in the future. Here you'll find a cyber hug    when you need it the most. Come back as much as you need to ... .now stand back up ... .brush your butt off, learn forward & take that first step!  

J

[Ashamedandangry]

JQ:

Everything that you said gave m some sense of hope that one day I will be where you are at.  It has only been a month since my ExBPD left me and on the same night moved in with his other woman.  It was heartbreaking.  7 damn years out of the window as if I never existed.  I long for the day when I feel nothing any longer.  The things that I enjoyed doing before him and included him in while we were together I can no longer do.  He has messed me up more than any other break up I have ever experienced.  Songs, places, things, are all F****d up because of him.  It is not fair.  I am tired of feeling so drained, I don't smile as much anymore or at all, I cry all of the time, I have these horrible headaches, I have lost so much weight, I feel so alone.  meanwhile back at the ranch, he has moved on with another woman, he is touching her, holding her, probably telling her the same things he has told me, not to mention he is making me out to be this horrible person  And the sad part is, I still love him, I still miss the good times (whether real to him or not), they were real to me.

[flt0921]

Hello flt0921  

I'm sorry to hear that you're going through all of this    I see that you're new hear with only 5 posts ... .I would encourage you to read the different references here & other places. I would encourage you to look inward to yourself, self reflection, & seek out a really good therapist to help you through this tough time. come here as often as you need to vent & seek out guidance and to get a cyber hug    Most of us have been where you are ... .and know the pain, hurt, and the host of other things you are feeling or thinking.  No question about it, it sucks ... .but you will climb the mountain in front of you ... .and at the top you will see everything in front of you ... .all the opportunities that await you.

As he said, "that he knows he has a problem that makes him self destruct"  The question is, is he self aware of having a behavioral illness, "BPD"?  he is aware of his behavior causes him to self destruct ... .but it sounds as he has a long way to go in learning about himself and anyone here will tell that the BPDs will spend decades in therapy and still have behavioral issues. My exBPDgf has been in & out of therapy for more then 30 years with multiple therapist and she still has behavioral issues. She knows she still has to heal herself but at the same time she continues with bad behavior, she continues to act out and hurt those close to her and IMHO she will continue to do this for the rest of her life. She will forever be "damage" and will continue to deal with her demons that have caused her a lifetime of hurt, pain, and loneness. She continues to say that she's lost & doesn't know what she wants ... .again I think she will always be lost due to the trauma she suffered as a child.

Like you, I wish I could wave a magic wand & make it all go away. To take away her pain, to give her the peace of mind & rest her soul certainly deserves. But with BPD ... .I've learned that, "I didn't Cause it~! I can't Control it~! I can't Cure it~!"  At the same time, I've had to look inward, self reflect, self evaluation and I've learned so much about myself & learned that my childhood events of a mother who was BPD & an absent alcoholic father are in part the reason I am a care giver, a knight in armor wanting to protect others, a cowboy in the white hat riding in to save those who can't save themselves, to sacrifice myself, mind body and soul for others.

I've learned to say no ... .no to those who would take advantage of my good will, my good intentions to help you up ... .I've learned that their circus is THIER circus and NOT MINE~! That their flying monkey's are THIER flying monkeys and NOT MINE~!  I can suggest ways to help ... .but I'm not going to take on their issues or problems.  I tell you these things to help you know that we've all been there ... .that you are not alone in the way that you feel ... .that it will get better ... .IT WILL ALWAYS GET BETTER~!

You ask, "How is it that it is so easy for him to get rid of me and continue on after all I did for him?"  You have to realize that it has NOTHING ... .NOTHING to do with you flt0921~!  It has EVERYTHING to do with him ... .and not him ... .but his behavioral illness that will forever be with him. NOTHING you say, or don't say, NOTHING you do or don't do, will change, fix, heal, correct, his behavior. If he is self aware of being "Lost, doesn't know what he wants, self destruction" ... .then it's the first of MANY  baby steps he'll need to take on the road to recovery. My exBPDgf said the very same things ... .she paraded her "new bf" in front of me & even told me that she didn't love him ... .but had very strong feelings for him. Knew that he wasn't the one, but couldn't bring herself to break up with him.

As much as it hurt ... .I know that I'm in a better place. I've learned  a lot about myself and that is ALWAYS a good thing. To really look deep and learn about yourself ... .I actually look at others and wonder if they've ever done something so soul searching ... .what a journey it has been. YOU will get over this~! YOU will emerge on the other side a stronger person~! YOU will take this life learning lesson and get into a loving, caring, mutually respectful relationship that you want and certainly deserve~!

Breath deep & exhale slowly ... .center yourself ... .get outside & see the sun as much as possible. Winter is at the doorstep & you'll miss it.  Spend as much time with friends as possible, call someone you haven't talked to in a long time ... .catch up with them. Learn about yourself ... .embrace the freedom that you have that most will never experience in this life. Move forward & explore life~! yes you might stumble ... .yes you might fall down ... .but pick yourself up, square yourself up, lean forward & take the next step. A quote from a Batman movie ... ." Bruce, why do we fall? So we can learn to pick ourselves back up again." Thomas Wayne ... .although from a movie ... .I think about it often and see how it really does apply to some situations in life.

You are among friends here flt0921 ... .here you'll find no one will judge you. Here you'll find those who have been what you've been through and understand what your going through or will go through in the future. Here you'll find a cyber hug    when you need it the most. Come back as much as you need to ... .now stand back up ... .brush your butt off, learn forward & take that first step~!  

J

Hi JQ... .

Thank you so much for your kind words. To be honest they brought tears to my eyes. I am indeed new and since I joined have been reading a couple of things here and there and trying to get some light into the situation. I think he is somewhat aware that he has a behavioral illness, he told me once he knew he needed help and that he was "messed up". We have talked about BPD and he acknowledges that his behavior and how he expresses how he feels is indeed how a person with BPD would somewhat behave and talk. He is aware that the problems he has today are caused by a troubled childhood and rejection by his mother and by the fact that he has never been able to get from her the apology he needs and the love he wishes he could've received as a child. When he broke up with me the words he used was "I am sick, I clearly have a problem and I'm hurting you too much so I think it's best if we separate and I work on this by myself and if I get better I'll eventually seek out to you to see if there's a chance of getting back together." Although after saying this he has been a complete a-hole about many things like parading his new gf or whatever she is and not understanding how I feel or having any empathy I do understand that it's his sickness and not himself, it's not something that he can really control. He has received therapy before, once at 17 and once during our relationship because I asked him too and he made some progress but he dropped it suddenly. I think it was triggered by the fact that I made a decision to move 3k miles away to further my career and when I told him I said "I understand if you don't want to come with me, the choice is completely up to you I will not push you to do anything you want" so that might've triggered the fear of abandonment and made him act the way he has now.

I do need to work on understanding that this is not my fault, that it's not that I'm worthless and he can discard me as he did to many of his other gf's (he has had quite a few unstable relationships, I think ours was the most stable he has had from what his stepfather told me) but that he has an illness that needs help and needs to learn skills to cope with it and live with it because it's not that he'll magically be cured but that he will learn to live and cope with it. I think it took a great toll on me because before I entered the relationship I somewhat had low self esteem and him needing me and being as he was made me feel sometimes like I was on top of the world. Like I was wanted so I lived to please him and help him and his change was so sudden that it just blew me away. We spoke again about BPD last night and I gave him a book called New Hope for People with Borderline Personality Disorder and told him that I would keep him on my prayers so that he could find peace to live with himself and get better. He took it well, so hopefully he'll be on his way. I really thank you because your words brought me hope. I hope to someday be able to speak about this like you do and hopefully that it'll stop hurting someday.

[JQ]

Flt0921,  

I know you're hurting ... .you see this insurmountable mountain to climb before you wondering how you will ever get to the top?  You've taken the first step ... .you've held your hand out for someone to help you up from your fall ... .and not only me but the entire group here is reaching out with our hand to help you up, dust you off and pat you on the butt & tell you continue you journey of self discovery.    

I know it's only been 30 days ... .I know that in those thirty days there has been what must seem like an enormous amount of hurt, shame, sadness, physical pain ... .but you seem to be an incredibly amazing person who is very smart.  You know things will get better ... .you know this to shall pass ... .but at the moment you might not be able to see the path due to the fog ... .THINGS WILL GET BETTER FLT0921!  THEY ALWAYS GET BETTER!     

I know you have these feelings for him, the things you did, the music, the things you did, places you went ... .you made some amazing memories ... .don't forget them. Embrace them, to have share some time & experiences with someone. But also know that there will be someone else in your life to make NEW memories ... .NEW experiences with.  You remember your first date? Your first real bf? Your first high school dance? Your first kiss? All good memories I'm sure ... .but how often do you really think about them now?  You've dated & had more then one r/s ... .there will be others ... .BUUUT ... .when you're ready for them. And they will happen when you NOT looking for them ... .but grow from something you would of never thought of ... .

I know you're hurting ... .   SO ... .you know you need to take care of yourself so start today. Take a deep breath ... .exhale slowly. You're probably not sleeping ... .you said yourself your not eating ... .probably thinking about things you probably shouldn't be. How do I know this? Because I like others have been there ... .SO LETS MAKE SOME POSITIVE CHANGES TO GET YOU STARTED!   Now you're saying how do I do that JQ?     Well ... .like me you probably spending to much time indoors thinking about things you shouldn't ... .so lets get outside and enjoy the sun!  It has amazing healing properties! Just the brightness of the sun has an amazing healing quality ... .so get out for a walk ... .not a walk around the block but a long walk. Maybe go to a local park and enjoy it ... .REALLY ENJOY IT!  Enjoy the laughter of the kids, the dogs running in the park ... .maybe the squirrel who is gather nuts for the coming winter. Enjoy the smells, the breeze on your face ... .the nip in the air. The changing of the colors of the leaves ... .enjoy the sounds, sights & smells of fall.

Then call a friend who you haven't talked to in awhile and just catch up on things. Go out with a friend for a cup of coffee ... .for a bite to eat at someplace new!  Go see a movie, go for a bike ride, go for a hike go to the gym ... .or for a swim ... .get out and do something physical to burn off the stress is what I'm saying. Burn off the stress and get the good tonins running around in your body to bring a smile to your face. Then that headache you have will go away ... .those bad feeling you have will slowly go away.  Go have a burger & a beer, go have a salad & a glass of wine ... .go have some hot wings & a glass of milk    YOU are NEVER alone! Let me repeat that for you ... .YOU ARE NEVER ALONE!  As long as you have this group you are never alone!  Come here to vent ... .get something off our chest ... .you'll find no one here that will judge you!  Get an idea on how we dealt with something ... .how we might have felt about something ... .we can't walk your journey for you ... .but we can be there to pick you up when you stumble.

It's ok to miss him ... .to love him ... .know that he has a behavioral illness that will take a lifetime of therapy for him to get to a point where he might have a semi-normal life. If you were to stay you would have to commit to a lifetime of therapy too just to deal with the feelings you're dealing with now and in the future. DO NOT THINK ABOUT WHAT HE'S DOING OR NOT DOING WITH SOMEONE!    This serves NO PURPOSE and only will cause you to think bad thoughts & have bad feelings ... .SO DON'T THINK ABOUT IT!   Instead ... .think about those who love you!  Think about your friends ... .think about healing yourself ... .think about the amazing opportunity that ls before you to really learn about yourself ... .how many people actually dive deep into self reflection ... .self discovery?  You'll learn some incredible amazing things about yourself that will serve you well in the future. You'll learn so many things to help you in the future to have the caring loving, mutually respectful relationship that you want and deserve!    There are going to be days that will just plain suck ... .we ALL have them ... .but things will get better. When you're having a bad day ... .that's what this place is for with so many wonderful friends ... .

I learned in the military 30 days makes a habit ... .basically if you do something for 30 days in a row you're most likely to continue it. So ... .go for that walk every morning before you go to work ... .don't tell me you don't have time. A mile walk can be done in about 15-20 minutes at a slow place ... .   Get up an extra 30-45 minutes before work ... .put on your walking cloths you laid out the night before & go for that walk. Come back & take the shower, dress & have something to eat for breakfast even if it's toaster waffles & a glass of milk or a cup of coffee. You've started your first day off on the right path to taken care of yourself.  Get out of the office for lunch even if its for the salad you brought ... .get away from your desk. This is to help with your frame of mind. Come home, change, maybe go to the park with a friend ... .a bike ride ... .or visit someone you haven't in a long time to see a friendly face.  Then slow down your night before you go to bed ... .stay away from your phone, Facebook, social media ... .maybe take some melatonin to help you sleep & get some rest. Sleep is SOO important to your recovery both physical & mentally. Continue to do this for the next 30 days ... .EVERYDAY ... .and before you know it ... .people will tell you that you have a beautiful smile ... .you'll be laughing ... .you'll be enjoying life again. Start today with that 1 mile walk, lay out your cloths for tomorrow morning and plan your breakfast.  

Come back as often as you need to ... .as often as you WANT to vent ... .to talk about something or nothing at all ... .   Have an awesome day & I look forward to you telling us about your first walk! The day at the park ... .your night out with a friend ... . 

JQ

[itgirl]

Nice JQ. 

Following your advice as I am also struggling the last couple of days.

I know I wont go back.  She also has a new replacement but that wont last.  Just taking it moment by moment.

[JQ]

Nice JQ. 

Following your advice as I am also struggling the last couple of days.

I know I wont go back.  She also has a new replacement but that wont last.  Just taking it moment by moment.

itgirl,

Baby steps ... .take baby steps forward but keep moving forward    If you stumble ... .if you loose your balance & take a step or two backwards ... .stop, take a deep breath, learn forward & take the first step.  You can barely see a snail move because it moves so slow ... .but come back in an hour & they've moved great distances!   Think positive thoughts!  Be sure that you are getting enough sleep ... .it's amazing how much it really helps with the thought process & your overall well being. Your body NEEDS the sleep to repair itself both physically & mentally. Shut the volume down on your phone so you don't you don't get woke up from a text or a call that would only cause you unneeded stress / anxiety & loss of sleep. You can answer it when you want to AFTER you wake up in the morning. How rude is it to text someone in the middle of the night and wake them up?  It's actually emotional & mental abuse and you don't deserve it ... .say NO to the emotional & mental abuse. 

Be sure to eat a well ... .junk food does nothing but give you empty calories & contributes to you feeling bad both physical & mentally. I remember eating a butt ton of mac & cheese ... .nothing good came after that    Eat a good salad with red, yellow & green peppers, celery, carrots, some purple cabbage, and other colorful veggies ... .just the seeing it puts a smile on your face ... .it even taste better too! Don't drown it in bad dressing either ... .     Have a orange / green apple / or other fresh fruit for dessert instead of that piece of empty calorie cake or pie ... .stay away from the fast food ... .or that donut with a cup of coffee ... .stay away from the cafe super fruper latte mocha chino with whip ... .brrrrb ... .I just through up a little in my mouth thinking about that last one ... .    LMBO ... .a little humor is always needed. Watch the comedy channel or something else that is funny ... .laughter is just as important as sun, eating right, & exercise! 

J