Shell-Shocked

[ChangingOfTides]

6 years ago, I met my current BPD Wife, she was like an angel sent from Heaven, my true soulmate.

From the very first lines we exchanged through an online dating site, i felt she was the one.

The first night we spent together the connection was immediate and deep, yet i already felt she must have had a very troubled childhood. We didnt discuss that but i picked that up.

The first few year(s) seemed like the best romantic novel that could ever be written, despite her occassional anger and dramatic moments, which i tried to handle with all the love in the world. She however couldnt hold her high stakes job after what seemed like a burnout. After two more failed job starts, increased her depression... .And soon we both realised that her deeper issues were not just that, she went into therapy and got a diagnosis of a BPD mixed with Bipolar Type 2. In a way that didnt scare me, i wanted to be there for her, i even felt like i could save her somehow, take the lifelong pain away bit by bit... .

Meanwhile i kept my job which involved steep deadlines, that a few times a year really took most of my energy for weeks. I tried to be there for her when she really needed me, but in retrospect it must have been a constant abandonment crisis for her. And being under stress so much myself, i couldnt give her what she needed then... .She selfmedicated and soothed herself with stimulants... .When the deadlines past, we reconnected and had an close contact again... .

The last year i have been gradually scaling back on my work, and focussing more on the family and our relationship. And even though my last deadline was almost no deadline at all, where i tried to be there for her as much as i possibly could, it seemed to be the worst for her ever.

It all ended up in a crisis, where starting last june, in just 6 weeks time, she started to project her past abuse on me (her therapy started to dig into that then), she attempted suicide, and then she started to take more and more distance from me... .Just at the time that i thought i was really giving her everything to be happy, and take household burdens away from her, she started to drift away. She became a totally different person in just a few months.

And since she is drifting further and further, she has shut down all her emotions, devaluing me, while she is taking on her life seemingly stronger, enjoying life again. On the outside she looks like she is ready to leave the relationship and find someone else, but when we finally get to talk, she still says she loves me, and wants to grow old with me, and she sees us getting through this. She tells she is just very angry at me, is afraid of her own emotions, lacks trust and needs time and space to get over all that.

Rationally i understand all this, but emotionally i feel abandonned, scared and lonely myself. I started therapy to deal with this all, and Abandonment and Emotional Deprivation seem to be my main schemas to work on now.

How do you deal with this? I really want to fight for us, and give her time to get through this, i love her deeply. But it seems like i have to fight this with the strength of 2, while my own core issues are bringing me down myself... .

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[an0ught]

Hi ChangingOfTides,

How do you deal with this? I really want to fight for us, and give her time to get through this, i love her deeply. But it seems like i have to fight this with the strength of 2, while my own core issues are bringing me down myself... .

how to deal with this? As you noticed giving her more attention and trying to help her was not getting you anywhere. So working on your problems is the better option - good that you got a T. It is a mistake to spend more energy fighting - this is not a matter of strength. We have members who started out with enormous resources brought to their knees. Any effort you expend directly against the relationship trouble will be turned against you. You can't fix her. In this game you best spend your energy to ground and balance yourself. And then a little bit to turn what is coming your way around and back to where it belongs and can be fixed.

And since she is drifting further and further, she has shut down all her emotions, devaluing me, while she is taking on her life seemingly stronger, enjoying life again. On the outside she looks like she is ready to leave the relationship and find someone else, but when we finally get to talk, she still says she loves me, and wants to grow old with me, and she sees us getting through this. She tells she is just very angry at me, is afraid of her own emotions, lacks trust and needs time and space to get over all that.

She is in therapy and at least got a clue that her emotions are messed up. Awareness that some space can be helpful is good.

Rationally i understand all this, but emotionally i feel abandonned, scared and lonely myself. I started therapy to deal with this all, and Abandonment and Emotional Deprivation seem to be my main schemas to work on now.

You may find the workshops on validation useful to re-establish a healthier connection to your wife.

,

a0

[ChangingOfTides]

As you noticed giving her more attention and trying to help her was not getting you anywhere. So working on your problems is the better option - good that you got a T. It is a mistake to spend more energy fighting - this is not a matter of strength. We have members who started out with enormous resources brought to their knees. Any effort you expend directly against the relationship trouble will be turned against you. You can't fix her. In this game you best spend your energy to ground and balance yourself. And then a little bit to turn what is coming your way around and back to where it belongs and can be fixed.

Well, this advice seems like a paradox, fixing a relationship by being focused on yourself primarily. Thats exactly her blaming point that i am trying to disprove ... ."Its all about you... ." while it really isnt... .She hates me seeing a T btw

[an0ught]

Hi ChangingOfTides,

Well, this advice seems like a paradox, fixing a relationship by being focused on yourself primarily. Thats exactly her blaming point that i am trying to disprove ... ."Its all about you... ." while it really isnt... .She hates me seeing a T btw

indeed, this is paradox. Not the only paradox you are dealing with when dealing with BPD. Consider an advice pwBPD are getting in therapy: ":)o the opposite thing". Our instincts lead us at times astray.

A lot of problems in our relationship come from unhealthy interaction or more precisely emotional feedback loops in our non-pwBPD relationship. The feedback is over-active and mostly out of tune doing more damage than good. How did it get so unhealthy - pwBPD tend to drive relationships into that state in a number of ways but let's focus on the now. It is simply easier (i.e. not impossible but possible) and faster to stabilize the two sides of a relationship than doing it together when both sides are focusing on fixing (and in practice messing up) the other side. Some more here: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=221022.0

[formflier]

We have members who started out with enormous resources brought to their knees. Any effort you expend directly against the relationship trouble will be turned against you.  

An0ught is right on point here.  I'm a military guy... .so I'll offer an explanation from that perspective.

BPD traits rarely improve from a direct assault.  Frontal assault if you will.  Getting on the flank and nudging is effective.  It's a slow process.

When they fight back... .and they will... .lots of our advice will sound like retreating.  In many cases it is.  

This "tactical retreat" coupled with flanking attacks is designed to "frustrate" them when they go to their tried and true tactics.  Eventually when they realize that the accusations, the silent treatment, the divorce threats (I could go on and on) are no longer working... .they will try a new tactic.  Very likely it will be somewhat healthier (emotionally) than what they were doing before.

Please don't explain this to the pwBPD in your life... .knowledge is power.  Keep it to yourself.

 Thats exactly her blaming point that i am trying to disprove  

This used to be me.  Very likely that your attempts to disprove are INVALIDATING to her.  

In this instance you are discussing a mindset vice tactics.  The mindset that you will "convince" or prove something to her.

Please work on dropping this mindset.

NO GOOD WILL COME OF IT

She doesn't want to buy your version... .so stop selling it.

I'm glad you are here.  I'm glad you are working with a T.  A support system in critical.  

Do you have a circle of friends and family that you can spend time with?

FF

[ChangingOfTides]

Do you have a circle of friends and family that you can spend time with?

Well, its a classic probably, over the years i pretty much left all friendships wander. 

[formflier]

 

Same here... .

Slowly but surely you need to start taking that back as well.

There is a lot to your story... .we need to prioritize... .

Issue number 1 is to get you reading lessons and learning... .so that you can stop making it worse.

Don't read that I am saying it's your fault. 

Very likely you were like me and don't know better.

There is a better way... .

FF

[ChangingOfTides]

Yeah, making it worse sounds good 

Reading through the lessons i realize that it is VERY easy to handle things the wrong way,

Especially when you get the urge to defend yourself against irrational accusations and exagerated blame waves.

I always tried to find a common ground, let her see the shades of grey that i see.

Yet, its impossible to counter these emotions with greyshaded logic, especially when these emotions are even unclear to the BPD person,

boiled up from an underlying schema that doesnt deal in logic at all. From past hurt you cannot even begin to imagine... .

So, Validation is a tool that i will have to master first. I tried it this morning, and to my surprise it was successfull, ... .for about 20 minutes  :'(

Its great to have finally stumbled accross this board, really appreciate the first reactions from you veteran nonBPDs!

[Flexion]

Yeah, making it worse sounds good 

Reading through the lessons i realize that it is VERY easy to handle things the wrong way,

Especially when you get the urge to defend yourself against irrational accusations and exagerated blame waves.

I always tried to find a common ground, let her see the shades of grey that i see.

Yet, its impossible to counter these emotions with greyshaded logic, especially when these emotions are even unclear to the BPD person,

boiled up from an underlying schema that doesnt deal in logic at all. From past hurt you cannot even begin to imagine... .

So, Validation is a tool that i will have to master first. I tried it this morning, and to my surprise it was successfull, ... .for about 20 minutes  :'(

Its great to have finally stumbled accross this board, really appreciate the first reactions from you veteran nonBPDs!

I am quickly learning this first hand. I am about 5 days into the silent treatment. We started fighting Sunday when she went off about something petty. She has locked herself in the room all week and typically texts me assaults from the room. Even going as far as saying I force her in the room when my boys are over. I don't have time to even explain this, but it's so far from the truth. she doesn't speak to me at all. Once she gets to work in the mornings, I usuaully get around 150-200  texts EVERY DAY telling me what a piece of sh*t I am... .blah blah blah. Attacks from everything over 8 years. The sad part is she still attacks me for things 7 years ago that is not even true.

Anyhow, I can tell you I have wasted probably weeks of my life(accumulative) trying to explain and rationalize with her.  I find all defending myself does is give her the remote to switch to another channel of assault. When I am in this position with her, the channels are endless!

[ChangingOfTides]

Well, i feel for your situation, must be really hard.

My pwBPDw has made a suicide attempt months ago, and since then she is afraid of her own feelings, and fights like you describe are NOT happening... .

She is more in stage where she is probably exhausted and switched an EMOTIONLESS PROTECTOR schema on, just to get by and recover.

the few times she came out of it, it was a reconnecting moment at first, but only hours later very strong projections came up as well.

So although i miss the closeness a lot and hate the devaluing, cruel jokes, distance and accusations that fly around now, its better to walk a slow path of building trust again... .

[formflier]

Once she gets to work in the mornings, I usuaully get around 150-200  texts EVERY DAY telling me what a piece of sh*t I am... .blah blah blah. 

JADE

Justify

Argue

Defend

Explain

There are those on here that will say to never JADE.  If they are talking about while a person is excited or dysregulated... .I would agree.

If there is a moment of calm... I am a fan of a short, clear, to the point explanation.  Especially if you can express YOUR VALUES when you do it.  Make it about YOU. 

Say it once... .if they overtalk or claim they missed it.  That's their issue.

Generally they will try to trick you into multiple explanations, circular arguments and other unhealthy ways of interaction. 

FF

[Flexion]

She is more in stage where she is probably exhausted and switched an EMOTIONLESS PROTECTOR schema on, just to get by and recover.

Whew, mine has ENDLESS energy to assault and manipulate. This morning is a good one. She is having surgery tomorro on her hand, which she broke punching me in the back of the head when my back was turned. We'd planned for me to take her and watch over her 24 hours post op. She sees a post my son makes about his birthday ( he is staying with us temp). She calls her grandmother to take her, pick her up and stay at her house. She texts me this first thing this morning. I was like, "what?" I have planned to do all this and be there for you. This, I believe, is how she always has a way of bashing me for "not being there." YOu cannot be there for her. I am convinced you just cannot. She pushes me away and then assaults me later for not being there. . Does that sound right?

THis time, I got upset and told her so through us texting. She calls me immediately, because I as really hurt that she would do that and then text me it. . COme to find out, she never called her grandmother. she says, "oh, I knew she would do it.  She was manipulating me and emotionally abusing me.