Wife with BPD

[walbsy7]

Hey guys,

I am 99.8% sure my wife has BPD, it is undiagnosed, and it is extreemely difficult. I am always to blame, I never change, I dont care, I am not romantic, I am everything. She hates when I go to work because work has told me things like I would be in the office more and now I am more in the field, they told me the office was moving a few months ago but since the building modifications were behind schedule we are still in the same office for a few more weeks, and all of this is my fault, and I am the liar. Work however is work, we are financially stressed because of my wife's higher end taste she has recently acquired, she is big on eating healthy so we spend a bunch of money on that every day/week/month. She has a daily schedule that can not be deviated from, like at all. For instance we go on a 25 minute walk each day with our 1yr old, (I am 25 and she is 24 by the way), and god for bid I stop to scratch my leg (while walking still) will start a fight. If I bring a flosser on the walk that will start a fight because I am not concentrating on what she wants to do for 25 whole minutes out of the day. Anyway, work is very important, it is our livelyhood. She does nto get it, and because I have a responsibility to go to work, make income for our family, (she stays at home with our son), she feels that I think work is more important. She calls/texts NONSTOP during the day when I am working, and it is hard to give her my 100% attention while working, but she things that means she isnt important to me. There is no balance. SHe demands I leave work hours early to take care of our child so she can rest but I can not always do that, which means I am a bad husband. Most of our weekends are great though, because I am home with her. We keep to ourselves as a family, partially because we are both introverted types, but also because she has ruined relationships with her entire family, and mine(not all her fault but I feel BPD has contributed to this). We now live 1000 miles from where we grew up because she needed to get out of the toxic environment of where we used to live (being an hour from family was stressful for her), however now that we are here things are worse. Now I am the only one dealing with it, her problems, her emotions. Our new place has been destroyed, our new dresser has all kinds of dings now from her anger, the walls are marked in just about every room, lamps have broken, picture frames smashed, personal belongings of mine are broken. Our son, god bless him so far, is as happy as a pig in his own you know what, but I am afraid of what the future holds for him. I do not want him to see this. She threatens divorce basically daily, sometimes an hour she says it we are "back to being good (and that is so amazing)", but sometimes it lingers out for much longer. I have had many sleepless nights because of arguing, neighbors hear her scream at me on the phone when I am at work all the time. She gets physical with me on occasion, scratching me, punching me, spitting. I am a sarcastic person and I have made huge strides (especially since learning about BPD and realizing this is probably the cause), but I am nowhere near perfect by any stretch. I do have alot of blame in this as well. She was sexually abused from a gang in high school, later sexually abused by her father, lived under a controlling and at times unloving mother. She has had cheaters in her whole life (her old bf, grandpa, uncle, father). She thinks I am cheating (when I am not), but she wont believe me. I went to lunch with 3 coworker males and 1 female, and that was considered cheating. I had old female friends from school, one in particular, who I went to lunch with when we were in the early phases of dating, to catch up and that was cheating. I realize that was not a smart move (even though it was 100% honest), but it was situations like that that still haunt me (us). I texted a female coworker emojis once (nothing in particular, we were in a conference with 5-6 guys and her and all talking and laughing but that was cheating. I used to be a flirt, but I am not anymore because that is not who I want to be and honestly I didnt realize my actions were wrong until I met her, but she thinks I am still doing all of this.

I offer "lets go to therapy" all of the time now. She says I ruined it by not changing the last time we went to therapy (maybe 5 sessions a year ago). I have never said "you have BPD, or lets go get checked out" or anything, that will be the end of day I promise you, but I do not know where to really turn. An intervention is required here, decisions need to be made for her health and struggling, and mine. I feel terrible for her, I love her so much and nobody understands (mainly my wife). I would never leave her, but she doesnt want help and she is destructive and the pattern is getting worse. I want to help her, be there for her, I am trying to learn as much about BPD as possible and use it in my daily life with her but it is still hard. When she is good, we are the best couple the universe ever saw, and when we are bad, it is jail worthy stuff.

I am not sure where I am really going here, I hate reading long messages and here I am with a book, but I am just looking for advice I guess.  Thanks

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[walbsy7]

Also I want to add, she is a beautiful women, her sole is amazing, and I support her 100%. I am also guilty because I don't lie to her but at the same time I have to lie (white lies) to avoid blowouts, and I am on this website which makes me feel guilty. She has identity distortance, thinks her legs are this when they are not, yadayada, always thinks i am abandoning her! For instance, I left to play basketball by myself at our apartment complex immediately after a blowout, and came back and she said i would never abandon her, and that was abandonment in her eyes even though she said go away I hate you I dont want to see you. She is very paranoid about things, and also has suicidal thoughts. She fakes trying to kill herself (almost weekly), like grabbing a knife but just holding it, or taking 20 advil but not swallowing it. I dont think she would ever actually do anything, because deep down I think she has a sense of awareness of the situation, but I guess I never know. It is scary and draining. I am very good at keeping all of this at arms length, meaning I do not take it personally. She flushed our wedding ring and engagement ring down the toilet twice but I am the first one to give her a hug and tell her I love her the second she actually lets me in to touch her.

[walbsy7]

My uBPDw keeps calling my work trying to get me fired so I can be at home. I really need some help please

[init]

Hi walsby7

I'm no expert... .just wanting to let you know I've read your posts... mate there is support here and it will come... just take a breath... and Hang in there... .id be getting some Therapy just for me anyway for now... .it would help you which is number 1 prio... .

[Lostindirt]

Hey Wallsby,

Like init I'm no expert, but starting with some therapy  for yourself is a great start.  I briefly saw a therapist last year and found that it brought some great perspective to my relationship difficulties and my own behavior patterns. 

Check out the tools too.  I get the work thing from my uBPD  gf also.  (I support her b/c her anxiety and attending issues have not been very job friendly, go figure).  I'm going to try the validation thing with a quick exit next time.  I'll let you know how it goes.

The calling work wow.  I feel like that is a huge boundary you need to establish (while validating feelings of loneliness and boredom then maybe talking about other ways to stay in touch throughout day) maybe a senior member could give us some feedback. 

[walbsy7]

Lostindirt,

I try to establish boundaries, but they get disobeyed. In July I told her our office was moving in September, and I said at the time if it didnt I would call my boss and discuss it (since we moved out here knowing I would be closer to home). The renovations were delayed and now it will be mid november. I said there was no point in calling because the delay is logical (what a nice word), but she said since I promised I have to talk to him about it still to prove to her I love her, or she will do it. I get threats constantly, and she has called 3-5 times but never actually reached my boss. She only reached him once when I was working and didnt answer my phone for an hour and called my work saying there was an emergency and made me look bad cause I was ignoring her (which I wasnt, but work is where you work. I work in construction as a manager/superintendent, I do not blog at a coffee shop, so it is hard to be there at her every need). I do however speak with her often during the day on phone/text, but it is 90% her complaining about how she cant do this anymore.

I will tell you what, the 10% of the time it is a nice 2 minute "Hi I miss you" is the best surprises.

How can I help establish healthy boundaries? I think (or know) that I enable because I try so hard to be there for her and show her my love (since it is alllllways in question)

[Lostindirt]

Walbsy,

Man so much of this behavior is familiar to me. I obviously haven't gotten very far away from it or been able to change the dynamic successfully. I feel compelled to support you because I could be in your shoes at some point and halfway am. 

I'm at a loss on the work thing. I just know that that is a major way to tip the apple cart.  The one thing I learned in therapy that helped me and gave me perspective is very simple and straight forward: The only actions and emotions you CAN control are your own.  When you think about that it is really powerful and empowering.

You are at work all day you can't stop your wife from calling, but she can't stop you from setting that hard boundary and deciding what you are going to do as a consequence for violating. Sleeping on the couch to shut her out for a night etc.  This is only an example and if you are doing anything like this I would definitely talk it out with your therapist first (if you get one) or at the very least look at:

https://bpdfamily.com/content/communication-skills-validation

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=85479.0

https://bpdfamily.com/content/setting-boundaries

or the big list:

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=56206.0

So far I've only scratched the surface on the resources here, but I've found it all very insightful and helpful.

I hope those help man. I know how that whole thing can be partners with BPD get that threat in on us and we feel so relieved when things go well we continue to try and fix it, but in reality only they can fix their mood etc. 

Good luck brother.

[waverider]

Hi walbsy7

You do seem to have found yourself at the sharp end of most of the BPD traits. Many here have gone through, or are going through the same, so we do get it.

This situation has evolved over a long time. I will be straight with you there is no quick fix, no trip to a therapist or diagnosis will quickly fix this. For her to drastically improve she will really need to own this and want to. That seems a long way off at the moment. You can't fix her.

So what to do?

First of all you need to start extracting yourself from the avalanche of unacceptable behavior that is being dumped on you. First and foremost you need to stop attempting to appease neediness, this is impossible. Getting you to jump is what is important to her, not how high or what it is you are jumping for. So jumping simply validates that her requests are reasonable and she will keep asking. There will be no end to it. You have established a precedent.

Your own personality has been twisted and molded. Unfortunately pwBPD resent the type of people that they try so hard to turn us into. They live in fluctuating chaos, they need stability about them, but they drag you into the chaos so they are not alone in it, and it normalizes it. When you join them there, you no longer provide the stability they need so they disrespect you.

In effect they undermine their own support network.

You have a lot in front of you, you can't address everything at once.  Boundaries against abuse are the first place to start as this is your fall back safety switch. It seems as through you haven't quite yet got the hang of boundaries and the difference between boundaries vs requests or demands. To enforce a boundary her willing compliance needs to be taken out of the loop. It will take extreme and what will seem like over the top consequences from you. Her reaction will be to blow up, it will be hard, but you have to stand firm. the first boundary is always the hardest, not only because you are not as confident but you are also setting a new precedent that you are willing to enforce one.

If the consequence of you walking away is a destructive tantrum due to abandonment so be it, if it is a dramatic overdose threat, so be it. The consequences need to be left firmly at her feet and not dumped on you.she will fight very hard to keep the status quo, she fears not being in control.

Keep posting and reading and you will start to learn where to start on this journey.

Above all this it is about saving your sanity, and functionality, first before anything else can happen.

Hang in there, you can get stronger and you can learn to believe in yourself again

Waverider

[walbsy7]

Thanks for the comments, I have recently become infactuated with this website, and I am learning so much by reading it and realizing enabling things I have done over time. I think what you guys have said is the same deductive conclusion I have come to in the past day or so, and I am going to begin setting stiff boundaries and taking care of myself 1st and foremost.

I do have a question for you guys though, did you ever tell someone you know (other than a therapist, i.e. friend, inlaw, parent, etc) that you suspect your significant other has BPD? The difficult situation I find myself in, is that my ENTIRE family, i mean brothers, parents, friends, aunts, cousins, guardians, etc are all on her "banned for life sh*t list" due to slights, miscommunications, insults, etc, and because of this I have not spoken with them in a year and a half, did not invite them to my wedding, etc. Her family is on her sh*t list also, but she still reaches out on occasion, as do I but they are like a "arms reach" relationship. She hates everyone at my work because it is my work and she has something against that, but for the sake of perhaps the situation getting better I feel like I need to some how confidentially let someone know, like her mother, of what I suspect (which is a solid and bold 100% it being BPD). I know if this ever gets out, I will certainly be crucified, but I feel like if I change my approach with her, her family changes their approach with her and learns about her illness, and maybe over time we can turn the tide on her outlook and she can get the help she needs. It is definately a rocky slope, I do not know whether it is worth climbing.  Thoughts?

[waverider]

Thanks for the comments, I have recently become infactuated with this website, and I am learning so much by reading it and realizing enabling things I have done over time. I think what you guys have said is the same deductive conclusion I have come to in the past day or so, and I am going to begin setting stiff boundaries and taking care of myself 1st and foremost.

I do have a question for you guys though, did you ever tell someone you know (other than a therapist, i.e. friend, inlaw, parent, etc) that you suspect your significant other has BPD? The difficult situation I find myself in, is that my ENTIRE family, i mean brothers, parents, friends, aunts, cousins, guardians, etc are all on her "banned for life sh*t list" due to slights, miscommunications, insults, etc, and because of this I have not spoken with them in a year and a half, did not invite them to my wedding, etc. Her family is on her sh*t list also, but she still reaches out on occasion, as do I but they are like a "arms reach" relationship. She hates everyone at my work because it is my work and she has something against that, but for the sake of perhaps the situation getting better I feel like I need to some how confidentially let someone know, like her mother, of what I suspect (which is a solid and bold 100% it being BPD). I know if this ever gets out, I will certainly be crucified, but I feel like if I change my approach with her, her family changes their approach with her and learns about her illness, and maybe over time we can turn the tide on her outlook and she can get the help she needs. It is definately a rocky slope, I do not know whether it is worth climbing.  Thoughts?

They will have no idea what you are talking about. It will get out, there is no doubt. A simplified acknowledgement to your own family that he has emotional stability issues,isprobably worthwhile.

Reaching out to his family is usually frustrating. They either already know, and dont want anything to do with it or admit it. May even take it as a family slight, after all you are hinting at faulty genetics. You may get support initially then they back away and you will feel even further abandoned and frustrated.

You risk getting into family triangulating also.

I find it better to stick to not covering up and making excuses, and others can draw their own conclusions. Focus on separating yourself from drama is the goal, not complicating it by bringing in more players.

In short trying to sell your side can be a deaded source of frustration.

[Lostindirt]

I would also say avoid directly telling her family,  but you should definitely try to reach out to your people  because when things get bad you will need support. I have told several people about my situation and few understand.  Most say I should break up with her and don't get the mental illness aspect. So those I reach out to from here on I feel like I will have to be careful with the selection.

[waverider]

I have told several people about my situation and few understand.  Most say I should break up with her and don't get the mental illness aspect.

Pretty universal response I think.

[walbsy7]

I would love to tell someone I know, but I am not that close with anyone. I would say 70% of this is because my uBPDw does not like or approve of any of them. Go figure right?  If I reach out, I would slight her in a severe way. I mean seriously. That would be a blowout of epic porportions. I have always supported her by choosing her over others, which looking back is not smart, but it is the situation i am in now. The only ones on my side I would trust, and it is shaky trust, would be the ones my wife hates the most. Hate is a strong word but is accurate.

[teapay]

Wal, try to find a T you can talk too and share this stuff.  Trying to involve family, friends and others can complicate things and not give much relief.  Ive found it not too helpful.  There is not much they can do anyway. It often divides family, friends and others into camps and makes for akward relations with them.  There are those who will tell you to get out.  These will get frustrated with you if you dont.  There are those who don't really want to get in the middle.  These can make you feel like they implicitly condone the abuse of you.