Four years today

[DreamGirl]

So I lost my Dad four years ago today. I don't want to label as much as I want to say that my Dad just really struggled in his narcissism and my family really struggled in it's dysfunction.

Anniversaries are tough for me, they drudge up so much emotion. So much grief and I really do understand that grief is a process and it's not just over one day. You settle in it and the pain of the experience just lessens and moving on isn't about getting back to what once was.

I just wonder if there is a space where it won't feel like a mystery. Or where I won't feel regret.

I love my Dad. I think I always loved him. Even though I tried not to for 13 years (I was LC).

I didn't really express my love for him until he passed away and I wonder how if I could have loved him while he was here if the grief would be easier. How much of this is my own wishing it all to be different? A big no-no in recovery.

I fundamentally understand I can't change it. It also really doesn't help in justifying that I handled it the best I could with the skill set I had at the time.

I can't seem to figure out a balance and it's hard to be in the present moment about it. We all lose our parents at some point.

My husband speaks so kindly of his own.

I feel like a fake when I do that. I do have a belief that he did the best he could with his skill set too, but saying what a great Dad he was is a little bit of a farce.

Maybe it's about accepting that I'll struggle on some level when it comes to this for all of time.

Blech. Help with any advice or feedback or validation or anything at all.  

[Linda Maria]

Hi Dreamgirl.  I was moved by your post, and wanted to respond, though I don't really have any wise words.  I have a uBPDsis, so my experience is very different to yours.  I am so sorry for what you're going through - to have a father who is NPD must have been very difficult, and I am sure you did the right thing being LC, in order to preserve your own sanity and well-being.  We cannot "save" the people in our life who have these disorders, and sacrificing ourselves ultimately doesn't help them either.  But it's very tough, and now he's gone, because of everything you went through, I can understand that it feels even more sad, and frustrating that you can't resolve things and make it better somehow.  I think this is maybe what radical acceptance is - you have to allow yourself to accept the situation for what it is and get on with your life anyhow as best you can.  I have been virtually NC with my uBPDsis for the last 2 years, other than where I have had to deal with her on legal issues, and although I would have had a breakdown if I hadn't done that, it still leaves me feeling sad and even guilty sometimes, when I think about it, and it probably always will.  You sound like a very caring person, and you will get through this, but it is natural to feel the way you do, particularly at an anniversary like this, so be kind to yourself, remember your dad as positively as you can, and carry on living your life the best you can, being as happy as you can.  That's the best any of us can do.  I wish you well.

[DreamGirl]

Thank you for the kind response. 

it still leaves me feeling sad and even guilty sometimes, when I think about it, and it probably always will. 

I think that's part of it.

Mourning the loss of my dad during his life and mourning him now that he's gone.

It's so much loss... .

I'm not angry anymore. It's just this sadness (and loss) that remains and I'd like to be able to move past that part. Move past the pain.

Like you said, remember the good, and accept all that bad.

[Turkish]

Some or maybe all of us here may mourn the parent or relative we wish we had. In a waifish moment my mom said, "I did the best I could!" I may look back and feel the same way soon, regretting LC. You did what you could with your skillset at the time, as you said. You're a different person now. I think wishing we had done things differently is natural, yet part of the r/s wish your dad was beyond your control, even if you had known better. He is who he was, you were who you were, and now you are who you are.

Being gentle with ourselves is tough, especially when others may not have seen, or don't see, the realities of close relationships with difficult people.

T

[Mutt]

I just wonder if there is a space where it won't feel like a mystery. Or where I won't feel regret.

I love my Dad. I think I always loved him. Even though I tried not to for 13 years (I was LC).

Hi DreamGirl,

I can relate with the dysfunction of a narcissistic father.

You were LC for 13 years, was it maybe because it was for self protection and not because you didn't love him?

I can understand feeling regret, have you thought about self forgiveness?