Where To Go From Here

[Depression = 72% of members]

Hi everyone

Let me first put you in the picture. A six month long relationship has just been ended by I'll call her Clair.

At first it was all sweetness and light her having most if not all of the attributes I seek in someone special,we got on great had a laff had many things in common.

  We met at a music festival some miles from home so it was quite a long distance relationship being the one who could drive I visited her on weekends.

  She has two children four and six and I have none but was enjoying a family unit. Care was shared with the ex so I wasn't a replacement dad.

  I won't go on to much about the setup as it we're more how well at first it seemed we were both into each other planning stuff and basically enjoying each other's company.

  It was maybe only four weeks into the relationship when I saw a change in Clair I can't even remember what started things but it was so trivial.

   She was upset with me I was this and that and insults flew. It was purely from her I had no reason to be annoyed and wasn't I knew she sort if didn't mean the insults and tried to calm her this did not work.

  I was told I didn't understand her. I didn't really as I didn't know where this other person almost had come from. She explained over and over trying to get me to see her point which I could I just disagreed.

   It seamed like I wasn't allowed to question her. At this point she ended the relationship. As I was driving home I just didn't get what had gone wrong. Was she just a mardy cow. It seamed more than that though this kind caring loving person had turned into someone who just saw things her way that I couldn't talk too. She would say things like you've fallen for an illusion of who I am I'd reply telling her why I loved her. She did seam to say this was the norm and I'd fallen for an illusion I sort of refused to believe that. She would joke she was a mardy bum etc.

  After she had time to think we got back together her love for me confessed even more me being a soul mate etc.

  We planned a holiday together and booked gigs looking to create some great memories. Then it happened again from know where again.

  I was on my way home single again scratching my head again I was forgiven but now as I was driving down I'm thinking what am I to be faced with Jeckll or Hyde ( not a good place to be) also I started to not rock the boat agree with everything take the insults knowing she loved me thinking our differences would be seen as just that differences and we could just get on with our lives. I was walking on eggshells.

  Clair called it clashing but it was always one way I'd upset her usually over something trivial.

The holiday came about five months in a nice weekend break in Barcelona no kids just us both. In some ways I was amazed we had got here being dumped that many times and in arguments often put down.

  But we were and I hoped I would see the nice Clair not the nasty one. I was sort of getting used to spotting her moods by now I could see her face change when seeing this trying to maybe change conversation or say something amusing sort of diffuse things.

  I think because I'd put a lot of effort in and in my mind we should be enjoying ourselves I was a little less tolerant maybe snappy with her when seeing ( the face)

   Her swinging from saying how much she loved me and how special she was to snapping at me over nothing.

  I must say I was getting confused. I was and still am questioning myself am I this twat she thought I was one minute had I not thought of her etc.

  It almost felt like one minute she needed me the next I wasn't good enough and she pushed me away.

Simply because this was one way I wasn't sort of drawn into the arguments I thought we could get over it just teething trouble.

   The end came when like tactless idiot when again she was all over me then at me I said "you've a chemical imbalance your up and down like a yo yo"

  I'm not proud of this statement it was born from frustration. I'm fairly easy going allowing people to be different etc.

   That was quite a brief history please ask specifics if you need more info. So here we are by email and text she has become to hate me and I have damaged her pride and I will never understand her etc.

  On reflecting on the relationship as you do I sort of looked deeper into the pros and cons as it where.

It had seamed over time although she was saying she loved me I had not measured up. Fine I'm not perfect. But why only a week hence did she say how special I was?

  I've never been in a relationship so one sided before I had ended up almost doing everything to please to save arguments yet they still happened. I never really got annoyed during arguments just confused!

  So I put in the search engine "my girlfriend loves me one minute and hates me the next" and I discovered this site.

  On looking at BPD I do feel she has attributes of it possibly brought on from her divorce she left with nothing two years ago and has basically started again after 11 years and two kids.

  Like I say I'm not perfect but I think I am a good person I never wanted to upset her etc. Just love and care for her.

  I do still love her and want to help but I'm no expert has she BPD I don't really know. Im sure the mere suggestion to her from me that she may have it would upset her greatly but maybe it's best from me than a family member that she sees regularly.

  I do question my motives for wanting to help as I suppose at this stage I just want her better and us back together.

  I understand this really isn't going to be the case as really I just enabled her. A friend would maybe be able to help more than me but I dont have any of her friends phone numbers I know where they live 2 and a half hours drive away.

   I do love her and want to help I think she's such a special person and deserves the sacrifices I may make I sort of do t know we're to start though.

  Has she really got BPD or am I clutching at straws? I haven't discussed anything with friends or family to get a picture if she as the same with them.

  Was it just me did I simply wind her up?

So if anyone could help me in the best direction I would be greatly appreciated. I will talk openly and honestly with any question.

Thanks Gary

 

[Grays]

Hi everyone

Let me first put you in the picture. A six month long relationship has just been ended by I'll call her Clair.

At first it was all sweetness and light her having most if not all of the attributes I seek in someone special,we got on great had a laff had many things in common.

  We met at a music festival some miles from home so it was quite a long distance relationship being the one who could drive I visited her on weekends.

  She has two children four and six and I have none but was enjoying a family unit. Care was shared with the ex so I wasn't a replacement dad.

  I won't go on to much about the setup as it we're more how well at first it seemed we were both into each other planning stuff and basically enjoying each other's company.

  It was maybe only four weeks into the relationship when I saw a change in Clair I can't even remember what started things but it was so trivial.

   She was upset with me I was this and that and insults flew. It was purely from her I had no reason to be annoyed and wasn't I knew she sort if didn't mean the insults and tried to calm her this did not work.

  I was told I didn't understand her. I didn't really as I didn't know where this other person almost had come from. She explained over and over trying to get me to see her point which I could I just disagreed.

   It seamed like I wasn't allowed to question her. At this point she ended the relationship. As I was driving home I just didn't get what had gone wrong. Was she just a mardy cow. It seamed more than that though this kind caring loving person had turned into someone who just saw things her way that I couldn't talk too. She would say things like you've fallen for an illusion of who I am I'd reply telling her why I loved her. She did seam to say this was the norm and I'd fallen for an illusion I sort of refused to believe that. She would joke she was a mardy bum etc.

  After she had time to think we got back together her love for me confessed even more me being a soul mate etc.

  We planned a holiday together and booked gigs looking to create some great memories. Then it happened again from know where again.

  I was on my way home single again scratching my head again I was forgiven but now as I was driving down I'm thinking what am I to be faced with Jeckll or Hyde ( not a good place to be) also I started to not rock the boat agree with everything take the insults knowing she loved me thinking our differences would be seen as just that differences and we could just get on with our lives. I was walking on eggshells.

  Clair called it clashing but it was always one way I'd upset her usually over something trivial.

The holiday came about five months in a nice weekend break in Barcelona no kids just us both. In some ways I was amazed we had got here being dumped that many times and in arguments often put down.

  But we were and I hoped I would see the nice Clair not the nasty one. I was sort of getting used to spotting her moods by now I could see her face change when seeing this trying to maybe change conversation or say something amusing sort of diffuse things.

  I think because I'd put a lot of effort in and in my mind we should be enjoying ourselves I was a little less tolerant maybe snappy with her when seeing ( the face)

   Her swinging from saying how much she loved me and how special she was to snapping at me over nothing.

  I must say I was getting confused. I was and still am questioning myself am I this twat she thought I was one minute had I not thought of her etc.

  It almost felt like one minute she needed me the next I wasn't good enough and she pushed me away.

Simply because this was one way I wasn't sort of drawn into the arguments I thought we could get over it just teething trouble.

   The end came when like tactless idiot when again she was all over me then at me I said "you've a chemical imbalance your up and down like a yo yo"

  I'm not proud of this statement it was born from frustration. I'm fairly easy going allowing people to be different etc.

   That was quite a brief history please ask specifics if you need more info. So here we are by email and text she has become to hate me and I have damaged her pride and I will never understand her etc.

  On reflecting on the relationship as you do I sort of looked deeper into the pros and cons as it where.

It had seamed over time although she was saying she loved me I had not measured up. Fine I'm not perfect. But why only a week hence did she say how special I was?

  I've never been in a relationship so one sided before I had ended up almost doing everything to please to save arguments yet they still happened. I never really got annoyed during arguments just confused!

  So I put in the search engine "my girlfriend loves me one minute and hates me the next" and I discovered this site.

  On looking at BPD I do feel she has attributes of it possibly brought on from her divorce she left with nothing two years ago and has basically started again after 11 years and two kids.

  Like I say I'm not perfect but I think I am a good person I never wanted to upset her etc. Just love and care for her.

  I do still love her and want to help but I'm no expert has she BPD I don't really know. Im sure the mere suggestion to her from me that she may have it would upset her greatly but maybe it's best from me than a family member that she sees regularly.

  I do question my motives for wanting to help as I suppose at this stage I just want her better and us back together.

  I understand this really isn't going to be the case as really I just enabled her. A friend would maybe be able to help more than me but I dont have any of her friends phone numbers I know where they live 2 and a half hours drive away.

   I do love her and want to help I think she's such a special person and deserves the sacrifices I may make I sort of do t know we're to start though.

  Has she really got BPD or am I clutching at straws? I haven't discussed anything with friends or family to get a picture if she as the same with them.

  Was it just me did I simply wind her up?

So if anyone could help me in the best direction I would be greatly appreciated. I will talk openly and honestly with any question.

Thanks Gary

 

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Rockylove]

You've come to the right place for compassionate assistance.     I'm no expert either, but I sure understand what nutty behavior is like!  you'll hear this (and see it) over and again >> Before you can make anything better, you must stop making it worse.  That's a difficult concept as we often don't even know what we've done to make things worse!  Take time to read through lessons and perhaps a recommended book or two.  Remember that you must take care of yourself as being in a volatile relationship can suck you under like quick sand.  Keep reading and posting here.  This is a wonderful group of people that have lived through much of what you're describing.

[Grays]

Do you agree she may have BPD or traits? I don't know weather to make an afford to break the chain and tell one of her friends or tell her myself.

  With more knowledge I'm sure I could cope also I'm sure if should understood herself better it must take the pressure off as it were. Am I right or wrong?

[babyducks]

Hi Grays



Take a look at these two links:

BPD: What is it? How can I tell?

and

PERSPECTIVES: Telling someone that you think they have BPD

Mental illness is not simple or straight forward.   Often times there are overlapping symptom and afflictions.   

Before you do anything, take some time to educate yourself.

It's not currently recommended to tell some one you think they might have some of the traits of BPD.  That almost never works out well.   

Take a look at the links and let us know what you see in them that looks familiar?

'ducks

[Grays]

Thanks Ducks

I do honestly feel that she has several traits of BPD and I'm not just feeling sour grapes as it were.

  I've done a lot of reading about it over the last few days sometimes it just hits the nail on the head.

  I haven't noticed any lying or depression but I do know in her past she had quite a hedonistic lifestyle taking powders such as coke E speed etc. This changed abruptly when the kids came along.

  I haven't had the opportunity to chat with relatives etc which I will try to do to. Before me and one or two guys she was in an 11 year relationship.

   

[Grays]

Well she doesn't hate me anymore and has made moves to be friends. Have I gone from black to white?

  Would that change even without any contact? I suppose what's confusing me is was this all some sort of fantasy did she really love me?

  Was I her soulmate etc. I guess I was flattered by such statements and drawn in.

On talking to her the other day with a bit more knowledge I tried to ask pertinent questions. Etc

According her her this clashing is just me its never happened before. She was in an 11 year relationship prior to me. I ask would she downright lie about that or could it be possible the previous breakup has maybe been the cause. I think she had a couple of brief relationships that "ment nothing" between.

  I can also see definite traits but not all.

The sudden mood swings generally being my fault over something I would consider trivial

The putting on a pedestal and being knocked down

Not understanding her ( to blooming right)

She was getting medication for depression

  I always thought I could trust her and she was being honest. Do BPD's blatantly lie? She always seams to talk so together. That seams to give me the impression she's not deep in this if you get me am I right or wrong?

  Although I've read loads in here I'm still confused as hell.

 

[babyducks]

Hi Grays,

for people with BPD feelings = facts.   and what ever the feeling of the moment is, they feel like that is the only possible accurate feeling and it will last forever.   

there is a spectrum to BPD, some sufferers are higher functioning than others.  some sufferers are very incapacitated.

the periods of intense idealization followed by periods of devaluation are very hard to understand.   very hard to tolerate too.    it's a complex and complicated illness.    Many of the symptoms for BPD and other personality disorders are the also seen in depression, bipolar disorder and other mood disorders, anxiety disorders (e.g., PSTD), substance abuse, and even Aspergers syndrome.

What is Borderline Personality Disorder?

From that link:

Are you trying to determine if someone in your life suffers from Borderline Personality Disorder? You will find that this is a very complex question even for a PhD psychologist. There are no simple behavioral checklists. To be Borderline Personality Disorder, there is usually a dysfunctional pattern of handling emotional stress that dates all the way back to the teen years.

It is estimated that there are 18 million husbands, wives, boyfriends, girlfriends, and children affected by Borderline Personality Disorder. Few even know about it or are in treatment - but they know they struggle. Borderline Personality Disorder is a difficult disorder of the emotions and of self worth.

At the center of this disorder is a person with very high sensitivities to rejection and a limited ability to modulate emotional impulses. They are emotionally immature. This "exposure" is often masked by dysfunctional means of self-protection. Diagnosis requires knowledge of how a person has perceived and reacted to emotional events throughout their life. The most obvious external "symptom" of Borderline Personality Disorder perceivable by others is a lifelong pattern of instability in important interpersonal relationships.

The highlights are mine.

'ducks

[Grays]

Thanks Ducks

So would someone with a higher function be easier to handle/cure as it were? I obviously can't see anything that's underlying just what's in front of me but I do feel she is higher functioning or maybe just good at hiding it from past experiences!

  She seams great with her kids has a good set of friends although I've noticed a few grumbles about friends but I wouldn't say black or white that seams to be saved for me.

   This is all sure a learning curve.

[babyducks]

So would someone with a higher function be easier to handle/cure as it were?

It doesn't quite work that way Grays.   There are a whole lot of issues at play, not the least of which is the willingness of the sufferer to embrace therapy and recovery.    It's tough stuff.

[unicorn2014]

  Hi Grays and welcome!   Reading your posts I would say it definitely sounds like your girlfriend suffers from BPD. I would follow the advice you were given to start reading up on BPD behavior. The first lesson is on understanding your partner's behavior. It sounds like you are working on that. The next step would be to work on understanding your role in the relationship, for which there are lessons.  Its also a good idea to see if you can read a book or two or three from the recommended reading list. Usually the public library has them if you don't feel like buying them yourself. Thank you for coming to BPD family and I hope you gain something useful from the time you spend here.

[Grays]

Thanks Guys

I'm trying just to stay friends at the moment. I'll amas some knowledge and keep you posted.

  It sounds like long haul.

[Grays]

Well it's been about a month since I was dumped and I'm finally going down to pick my gear up from her house.

   We have chatted a little online and text me still being confused one minute it's her and she needs to be alone. The next she lends a list as low no as your arm as to why I'm not suitable.

   It feels like she's in a different reality to me. I miss her like crazy and I'm sure I'll say all the wrong things!

  Would anyone suggest how best to handle the meet? I do think I may struggle to play it cool as it were.

  She seams to be getting over me quite easily.

[Grays]

Things went OK I.E no fights. It honestly feels like she's been in a different relationship. I feel like she's simply made me the issue and got rid of me when the problem is really within herself.