Weird thing I remembered in therapy

[daughterandmom]

So my therapist asked me for examples of things that made me feel unsafe as a child and lead to my hyper-vigilance and I thought I would share this one thing to see if anyone else relates.

When I was maybe 7 or 8 we had bunk beds and I had the top bunk. This would be the late 70's and I had one of those  hanging lamps on a chain that hung right over my head so I could read in bed. One night my mother removed the light bulb and then told me to not stick my finger in the socket because I would be electrocuted and die.

Of course, being me, that's all I could think about and had to sit on my hands to keep from doing it. I couldn't sleep at all. She finally put in a new light bulb about a week later.

I have no idea why I didn't think to unplug the light.

Having raised my own children now, this baffles me. I would NEVER leave them in a situation where they could hurt themselves.

Was my mom just dumb, or diabolical or what?

[Anabanana]

I think she had just a very very black humor. Please don't let yourself in such a pain by thinking of what she did to you back then. She didn't tell you such a horrible thing to make you feel BAD about it but to not happen something bad to you ... .some parents aren't aware of the consequences of something said... .

Even if I sometimes hate my mom, I still believe that mom's always will love their children. Even if she throws the toaster out the window and hits me and bites me. I think she loves me at the end of it all ... .

[Anabanana]

and please ignore my bad grammar, I'm German

[Sarah girl]

Hi daughterandmom!  

I can totally relate to your post and understand why you see yourself as hyper-vigilant. Now that I have children of my own, much of the very dangerous situations my BPD mom (and hands-off dad) put me and my brother in baffles my mind. I've always been hyper-vigilant. I don't think one has much of a choice when one is placed in such scary situations from a young age. That being said, it was the 70s and I think many parents were a lot less proactive and careful about safety in general. PwBPD can be quite self-absorbed and this really fogs up their judgement. For instance, she could have unplugged the light herself and told you that you would get a new bulb soon. Instead, she put you in a dangerous situation and placed the onus on you to stay safe. Not very empathetic, but I'm not sure if she was intentionally being diabolical. Nevertheless, I think it's natural to question her intentions and be angry about her behavior.

[daughterandmom]

Thank you Anabanana and Sarah girl for your insights. I really appreciate this forum and the opportunity to talk with people who get it