preparing settlement

[Godslove]

What happens at the settlement?

My two court ordered meditations are over.

The things I agreed

1.   Sharing transportation. concrete windows of visitation time

2.   Fri to Monday visitation for BP every other weekend during school days

3.   Four weeks for him, four weeks for me and back to regular schedule for summer break

4.   He keeps his 401K and I keep my pension

5.   me carrying medical insurance

6.   He is responsible of his proportion to share any uninsured medical bills and after school activities. (which is stupid because he has not been and will not do it)--how do you get this?

Two things I did not agree

1.   He wants to keep all the stock. His reasons are that I kept house furniture and he has to pay closing cost for the house (he bought me out)

- My reasons (1. I split all mine. 2. He did not want to take old furniture we got donated when we first got married. He took the boat, all the tools, the expensive kitchen stuff, two TVs, kitchen table and hutch. 3. What do I have anything to do with the house closing cost? He has been getting the $700 rental income from the house for over two years after buying me out.)

2. Less CS - $200 less a month with no contribution on before/after care. His reason- I refused his suggestion of him taking care of the children every morning. 

***By separation agreement I am the tie breaker after one mediation. I want the mediation part out and I don’t know what happened…my mediator did not say otherwise after coming back from their room.

Even though I am the plaintiff, all the outcomes are worse than what I have on separation agreement because they brought moons and stars to the table and my L is against to that strategy. Yes. At first I wanted to modify the agreement. I wanted to set the boundary because he wasn’t agreeing or paying any of kids activities, counseling, not keeping his visitation day or time, did pay for before/after care, he was trying to control me for every contact either email or in person. I wanted to show him I can be angry and firm. Now I feel like I am trying hard to fight back with his more demand rather than keeping what I had.  I was told what we decide is nothing to do with what we have had so far. Like one said here, I am not getting rewarded for all I did right and BPD is not getting punished for all wrongdoings.

Sorry about the long summary…always... but please give me your insights and advise. I can not count on my lawyers and it is too late to change before settlement. My L wants me to do more mediation and co-parenting counseling with him. I am saying no, no, and go to settlement with these that we have so far. He says judge will not give me what I want. Everyone comes out unhappy. However, what is the worst case scenario? If the judge says yes, father keep all the stock, yes, give her less CS than what the states says, What am I going to lose? My important matter is done unless BPD changes his mind before settlement—Physical custody and tie breaker. So why would I give in less CS that the state orders without going to the settlement?

Another alternatives which I don’t know BPD will take but I can try  I will pay 100% of kids activities. BPD give me the right amount of CS with his share of Before/after care.

[Godslove]

about $550 less CS (including before/after care)

about $200 less CS (excluding before/after care)

than the state guideline

[livednlearned]

Hi Godslove,

Two mediation sessions, that's a lot. It sounds like your L is not working as hard for you as you want. I heard the same thing you did -- that no one comes away from court happy. I have to agree -- I think court is about who loses less 

If you believe strongly that you cannot assert your boundaries in mediation, and your ex will only ask for more, then it does sound like you're headed for court. You will have less say over how things are divvied up, but for many of us, the judge awarded a better deal than what our exes wanted to negotiate.

It can be a real toss-up. Court is expensive, stressful, and it's a wild card. Your lawyer is supposed to have a sense of how the judge will rule, and to advocate for you. Even with a good L, sometimes judges split things down the middle in ways that don't feel fair.

What exactly takes place in your settlement conference? Is there a magistrate involved?

[ForeverDad]

If you believe strongly that you cannot assert your boundaries in mediation, and your ex will only ask for more, then it does sound like you're headed for court. You will have less say over how things are divvied up, but for many of us, the judge awarded a better deal than what our exes wanted to negotiate.

Yes, a common experience.  I had four notable events in court over the years, excluding Contempts: 1 temp order (magistrate's arbitrary decision), 2 divorce decree (settlement on trial day), 3a seeking custody in Change of Circumstances (long trial before magistrate), 3b custody decision (settlement on trial day according to GAL's terms), 4 majority time (2 days in court trial).

Can you see the pattern there?  My track record for judicial decision versus negotiated settlement was about 50/50.  However, even when I got a settlement, it didn't happen early or in mediation, for me it wasn't until we walked into court on Trial Day.  Understand that failed mediation is par for the course.  In most cases there's not enough pressure on the entitled parent to be "less unreasonable" until the day in court is looming.  If only my court had steps I'd say we settled "on the court house steps".

When you get resolution can be a real toss-up.  You can't predict every reaction and overreaction.  Plan and strategize for a long struggle yet hope for something shorter and better.

Court is expensive, stressful, and it's a wild card. Your lawyer is supposed to have a sense of how the judge will rule, and to advocate for you. Even with a good L, sometimes judges split things down the middle in ways that don't feel fair.

If you feel your lawyer depends overmuch on seeking settlements, then you may need to find a more proactive lawyer.  Yes, you may still walk out with a settlement - most of us do end up with settlements - but the point is that you need a lawyer who is fully capable and prepared to walk into court and represent you well in a trial.

[Godslove]

Thanks for the advise. I figured everything is pretty much done. I agreed granting him two more visitation days a month and split vacations. I agreed to take children's insurance. Only CS and mutual funds split left. I was finally get his pay stubs and found out I am supposed to get $700 more than he wants to settle. Of course he wants to keep all the stock. So, I say let's go to court. Who will say ok, you keep all the stock you invested during the marriage. Who will say ok, give him $700 discount.

The settlement with a retired judge was Nov. 19. My L said his L can't make it. With my consent, they want to postpone as they will be busy at the court at that time also. I didn't respond right away. In the mean time (two days), my L forward me a letter they sent to the court to postpone the settlement and the new settlement date would be Dec. 23, Trial in Feb. Dec. 23 is already the most hectic day for me and the kids in Dec. So my L said she will call the court on Mon since it is already 5 pm on Fri. and reschedule. That was a week ago so I checked with her, no response for two days. Today I got email saying to reconsider Dec. 23 as the court already took the date and the draft to settle.

Is it common that my opinion get ignored about court date? If I insist to reschedule, would there be any dis benefit?

[ForeverDad]

Is it the entire day?  Generally it's scheduled only for a specific half hours, hour or something like that.  Court is busy to the judge may ask for negotiations to continue in a conference room and then come back and report progress.  So it could take longer than you think.  In that case, don't let it drag out, if he's not offering anything reasonable then you put a limit to the time.

Also, is this to get something important done that you can't reschedule?  My feeling is you struggle to fit it into your schedule.  Court probably may not be very receptive to "I'm busy" unless it's a very good reason.  However, if it is rescheduled, understand this will delay the case.  (On the other hand, there is no guarantee that the hearing will result in progress.)

[whirlpoollife]

From my experience of court dates getting rescheduled, ( not by me though) it's another two months waiting if the date needs change .If you are to receive c/s and you are too busy for the court date to change it to later they might look at that you at doing ok without it. Then the next date they give... .possible his your your L is not available on that date then it's another two months of waiting. 

It's good they gave a trial date too. If things get settled at the settlement hearing then you won't need the trial but if nothing is reached then you have that date set already.

For me , x wanted me to add the support issues with the financial settlement. ( he wanted and still does want spousal support ) I said no  to let the support dept decide.  Which was a seperate date ... .that kept getting postponed.

So if you are not out of town or having surgery , I would just keep Dec 23.

[Godslove]

Thanks for the advise. Reading your advise, it will be the best to keep the date. Also I will keep in mind to put a limit to it because there is not much to negotiate anymore after two mediation. My problem that day was to pick up kids from school. Usually they take a school bus then I can ask some friends to keep them at their place until I come. That day is the last day of their after school activity so I go there to pick them up. I called around today but no luck. Worse comes worst, they will have to miss the class. Oh... I wish my family was around... .

[Godslove]

Is there any other alterations/suggestions than this? This is what my L suggested.

If either party is more than thirty (30) minutes late to pick up the children, the visitation is cancelled unless both parties otherwise agree.

I do not want the visitation cancelled for my children's sake. Also the language is giving him the way out. He will make my life miserable at the last minute change and pushing me agreed. I do not want to talk to him more every visitation because he will have all kinds of reasons to be late as he has been so far. He will probably still be late but I want something for him to be accountable for that will make him to make this priority on two days a month.

Thanks

[whirlpoollife]

I understand the not having family around to help with kids. Same for me. Friends live out of the school district. Keep trying , there has to be a parent to help out.  If we knew that another parent needed help and they didn't ask, we would be telling them... .if I knew I would have been glad to help.

Thoughts to keep in mind because hearings on visitation and settlements can be very high pressured and fast to get decessions made...

On visitation, my xh had two nights every other week , but he was never on time, he wanted make up time on my time, lots of negative contact with him. Then in one of the custody hearings it was offered for me to stop the night visitations in lieu of giving xh three nights more a month. Those nights kids go to him very late. So it's really just nights for him to have lower child support. It was possible an intended strategy from him but it's fine with me to have less contact with xh.

There might be right of first refusal offered... .the other parent gets the kids if the other is not available in a certain amount of time.

Not good. Because we the nons abide by that rule but the other PDspouse never does.