Daughter in cycle of self harm (cutting) how can I help her stop ?

[Karen21]

Hi

Just looking for some advice, my 22 year old daughter is in another cycle of self harm, cutting, I don't know how to help her, she has done it on and off since she was 13 years old, I worry about all of the scaring, any advice would be greatly received 

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Butterflygirl]

Greetings:

I don't have any answers for you about stopping the cutting, but the best description off why Borderlines cut came from an article I read entitled "Help." The author said when you cut the skin painkillers rush to the site. It then becomes comforting when you nurse yourself. Mostly it is just easier for some people to feel physical pain than emotional. I call this "Nail me to the cross but don't hurt my feelings."

Self-loathing and its roots [shame] leads to cutting. I have also read that it is a cry for help because it allows people to see on the outside what is going on inside. It is a physical symptom of emotional pain. I think the term is somatic.

Some Borderlines set things up so that others hurt them.  Some abused women, who don't walk away, are vicariously hurting themselves. This is rare but it does happen. Don't shoot the messenger.

My son used to bite his fingernails until they bled. I had a friend who burned herself and pealed her face while we were drinking coffee. Both were Borderlines.

In "I Hate You Don't Leave Me" the author discusses cutting.

Wish I could help more . . .

[lbjnltx]

Hi Karen,

I'm sorry that you and your daughter are going through this.

Has your d22 ever attended any Dialectical Behavior Therapy sessions?  They teach alternatives to self injury... .like holding ice cubes in the hand or popping a rubber band on the wrist.  For those who get relief from the site of blood they recommend using a red washable marker on themselves.

Do you think you could discuss these alternatives with her?

lbj

[Herodias]

The only thing I have heard is that getting tattoos is a safe way for them to get the same feeling of cutting. It was recommended to my husband. Not sure if she is into that sort of thing, but it may be of interest to her and she could get some in locations no one could see. I understand you may not like the idea... .I am not a fan of them although admire the work of some. I can understand why it is recommended though. It is used to cover up scars and as a preventative. I have heard it is why Angela Jolie and Johnny Depp have so many tattoos... .they are known to be cutters. The main thing is you don't want it to be infected or for them to go too far with it. The worst my husband was one night, was with a big knife in which he must have cut the top of his arms with about 10 slashes. It is a horrible scar for him now. He said it is a pain release for him and he says he likes his scars (except for this big mess on his arm). They mean something to him. A male nurse at the VA hospital recommended the tattoos as a replacement for cutting. I wish you luck... .

[Butterflygirl]

A male nurse at the VA hospital recommended the tattoos as a replacement for cutting. I wish you luck... .

I just want to go on record as disagreeing with this treatment. It is like an alcoholic switching from whiskey to gin. Cutting is cutting.

Substituting is ok, but not tattoos. Since cutting is a substitution for painful emotions, then perhaps you can help them increase their tolerance for depression and anxiety and try relaxation techniques.

Some borderlines get addicting to tattoos and piercing. To see an image of this, google teenage piercing and see for your self.

This is just my opinion.

[lbjnltx]

Hi again Karen,

I came across this resource for teens and wanted to share the link with you.

It contains hotlines for teens in crisis (depression, grief, suicidal thoughts, self harm).  Maybe you can pass the info onto your daughter?

insteadofcutting.tumblr.com/hotlines

lbjnltx

[Karen21]

 

Thank you all for your kind words of support, I will suggest other ideas such as elastic bands to her and looking at the tumblr site, she does have afew tattoos, which I think were a distraction for awhile, but she has very bad keloid scarring on her forearms which cannot be tattooed over, and I prefer her not to get anymore at the minute as she is only 22 and already has 3 quite large ones. She has had DBT in the past but does not seem to get much from it, but I am sure although she says that some of it must sink in and help with out her realising.

How does everyone feel about their loved ones self harming in this way, I think I am probably more fortunate that she does not drink alcohol and take illegal drugs?

She has just started some voluntary work this week, which is great, and is managing to stay away from an awful boyfriend, its taken 2 years to make her see sense, but all she wants is to be married and have children, I just hope this happens one day  :'(

Best wishes to you all and thanks again   xxxx

[lbjnltx]

My daughter didn't self harm that often and it was only minor cutting, head banging.  The head banging bothered me more, I suppose because there was no way to actually see what kind of damage she was doing.  :'(

When my d was in RTC she realized that her self injury was addictive in many ways and she attended the 12 step program they offered at the RTC.

She has not cut since going into the RTC 7 years ago.  She has learned higher level coping skills to implement during times of distress.

One of the things she does is call me and we just talk it through, mostly I listen, validate and ask validating questions that help her problem solve.

lbjnltx

[Butterflygirl]

My son was a head banger. I did not know it was a symptom of BPD. It was the only way he could fall asleep. He was five I think. Where do I learn more about this?

[lbjnltx]

There are many ways for sufferers to engage in self injury aside from cutting.

These are the ones my d used:

head banging

scratching self

pulling her own hair

biting herself

Replacing these low level coping skills with higher level skills will address self injury as a whole rather than each individual method they may engage in.  To my knowledge head banging is not a "symptom" of BPD per say,  it is just another form of self injury which is a "symptom".