Am I just trying to find a reason to excuse his behaviour? Or is he really ill?

[Leena]

My husband can be amazing, loving, kind and thoughtful.

But he can also be hurtful, cruel, angry, and detached. The phrase 'He will cut of his nose to spite his face' is close but I think he would cut off his face - not literally. He also always wants his 'pound of flesh' I.e. I have to pay over and above for any 'wrong' that I have done.

I am amazing, his life started when he met me, he can't live without me, he doesn't deserve me.

I am also a hideous/worthless piece of, ugly , nobody else would want me, all the other women in the world are prettier than me, there is more but it gets too ugly.

He is sensitive to smells, too much light, inconsideration in strangers 'why would you park there?' Strangers on a train taking too much space will wind him up.

Does this sound right?

This wkend was a perfect example... .

Went to my dads with the children and went out for lunch. I left my phone by accident at my DAds and of course my husband tried to call while I was out. I explained as soon as I returned that I left it by accident, but a tornado of abuse for 5 hrs by text because 'I never learn' ' I knew he would need my advice' ' I have wasted his time' 'tell your family I never want to see them again and they are not welcome at our house' as well as personal attacks as above. This finally ended after I reiterated about 15 apologies and that it was not my INTENTION to forget my phone... .

When he has calmed he asks me politely to delete the texts from my phone as it would be 'embarrassing' for us if anyone saw... .

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[Rapt Reader]

Hello, Leena &

I'm so sorry that you have to deal with all of this stress and pain, but so glad that you've found us! All of the members of this Board know just what it feels like to live through a dysregulation, and will be here to give you the benefit of their experiences. It's tough to slog through this sort of thing, but if you check out the links to the right-hand side of this page, you will gain a better understanding of how your husband's mind works, and how you can communicate with him in ways that will make things better... .

Am I just trying to find a reason to excuse his behavior? Or is he really ill?

Has your husband been diagnosed with BPD? Has he ever been in Therapy? Does he know he has a problem, and would he ever consider getting help for it? Even if he's not in Therapy and isn't diagnosed with a personality disorder, if he has BPD or BPD traits that cause him to dysregulate with his emotions to the point where his life is impacted (and his loved ones' lives are impacted) in a negative way, then considering his troubles as coming from that disorder is not excusing him, in my mind, but empowering yourself.

My own Husband has BPD traits (his Mom is definitely undiagnosed BPD), and these traits really do impact his life and our life together in negative ways when he dysregulates like your husband does. It does help me to know where his anger and hurt feelings are coming from when that happens, so that I can detach myself from the turmoil and not take his angry or hurt accusations personally. If I can do that, I can react in ways that tend to lessen the dysregulation--in timeframe and also intensity.

I'm not saying that life (or our marriage) is perfect, but it is a lot easier and more loving than it was before I learned about BPD and how to deal with it by reading all I could on this site 

I'm really glad you found us... .We're here 24/7 and want to help 

[waverider]

Just want to add my understanding too. This crazy circular sense of hopelessness that you have that anything you do seems futile, and often makes it feel worse, can be despairing.

You can't directly change him but there is a lot to learn about changing the way you deal with it so that you dont get stuck in this victim mindset you no doubt feel.

To answer your heading questions, both are true, but we can hekp you significantly with the first one, so that you can cope more easily with the second.

Waverider

[confusedshell]

Honestly that sounds terrifying... .I don't know how you put up with being treated as such.  But the other pose a great question... .has he been diagnosed? Has any therapy been attempted?

gigantic hugs to you darling.

[Beacher]

Your story sounds so familiar to myself and I'm sure others, one minute you are the best thing since sliced bread, but when something minor upsets him he gets down and dirty. What jumped out at me though was the 5 hours of verbal abuse. This is where boundaries begin and you should immediately remove yourself from him. Whether it's another room in the house, a car ride or spending the night somewhere else, do NOT subject yourself to this. It's unacceptable and you do not deserve this. Peace and keep posting

[unicorn2014]

Hi Lena and welcome 

Yep, that definitely sounds like BPD behavior. I think the first thing you might find helpful is to start familiarizing yourself with BPD behavior so you can learn more about the disorder. I'm not sure how much reading you have done before coming to this site. Are you familiar with the nine symptoms of BPD?

[Leena]

Thank you all for your support. I never thought I would find anything to explain the roller coaster ride that is my life.

No he will not accept that there is anything wrong with him. So at this point I am guessing he has some sort of personality disorder and from what I have read this seems to fit.

We went to couples counselling for a brief period 5 yrs ago, but he limited what I was able to say under the embarrassment excuse and veiled threat of further argument. So it was a waste of time and money which again I have paid for in various arguments.

I will keep reading and talking, if what I learn can help our life in anyway I have to try. Mainly to stop the cycles from escalating and to protect the mental health of all concerned.

Thank you

[waverider]

I will keep reading and talking, if what I learn can help our life in anyway I have to try. Mainly to stop the cycles from escalating and to protect the mental health of all concerned.

Thank you

Start HERE and work your way through. It will put it in some sort of logical order for you. as it can be overwhelming otherwise

[pineapple78]

My husband can be amazing, loving, kind and thoughtful.

But he can also be hurtful, cruel, angry, and detached. The phrase 'He will cut of his nose to spite his face' is close but I think he would cut off his face - not literally. He also always wants his 'pound of flesh' I.e. I have to pay over and above for any 'wrong' that I have done.

I am amazing, his life started when he met me, he can't live without me, he doesn't deserve me.

I am also a hideous/worthless piece of, ugly , nobody else would want me, all the other women in the world are prettier than me, there is more but it gets too ugly.

Yes this is familiar to me. Im currently paying for my betrayal of my wife. So she currently can't see any good in me, nor our marriage or life in general right now. Right now she is only consumed with the bad. So I am being punished and she has told me as much.

I have recently told my wife of what I have learn't of BPD which has made things harder in some respects. Unfortunately she found all my posts on here which has made me feel like I cant write here now as honestly. Im not sure if her reading them was all bad though. I get the impression that while she saw things she didn't like reading, she could also see my struggle because of the love I have for her. That my intention is to help make life better for her.

I wish I knew how to flip the switch sometimes so she saw the good me again as its so exhausting not only for me but I believe even more so for her. Sometimes this has taken time and sometimes it has taken another catastrophe in life and she becomes focused on that and I can become her allie again. This is just splitting, black and white thinking. It alone does not indicate BPD but is a trait and a strong one.

[Chilibean13]

Welcome Leena.   You've come to right place for help. I've been here about a week and I already feel like the things I've learned have helped immensely.

I agree in starting with the lessons to the right. The best advice I can give you is that you cannot control his behavior and what you have been doing during his rages has not really been working for you. How do you contribute to the arguments? I know that's hard to accept when he is the one who is out of control but I've learned my response to my husband can escalte or descalte him rather quickly (not all the time, of course) but enough that I have a little breathing space.

I love the philosophy of this site: Before you can make anything better, you must stop making it worse.

Looking forward to getting to know you and your story a little more.

[Leena]

The other cyclic behaviour is to link the current issue to an old argument going back as long as I have known him. (12 years)

To insist it is all a pattern of behaviour on my part and that I do not learn and change.

He will also say that I MAKE him say these nasty things and that I must enjoy these arguments and tirades from him because I don't change.

He says he doesn't want to argue in front of the children, but he does and then blames me for the language he uses. My three yr old is picking up on everything now and he says if he starts using the language then it will be my fault and my husband will give up on him and us a family as my child will be cast as a problem child which my husband can't bear.

Why does he not realise he has to take as much responsibility for our children as I do.

Hence another reason I am here.

He is also generally incapable of doing anything without me from paperwork to DIY, this drives my family mad because it is always 'leena where is this ?' 'leena how do I do this?'. Then he will argue with me because one of the twenty jobs he has given me is not done - and obviously that was the most important one... .

He expects me to be available at any time of day even though I have just started back at work after maternity and my work time is limited because I do both drop off and pick ups at two different nurseries. So when I am at work I AM AT WORK BEING PAID TO DO MY JOB, not answer every text and email in an average response time of two minutes... .

[unicorn2014]

Hi Lena, that sounds really difficult. Have you been able to read anything about understanding BPD behaviors yet?