BIG changes with Buspar and Zoloft

[maxsterling]

The past few weeks I have noticed a big difference in my wife's behavior.  She's more positive than I have seen her in probably 2 years, and hasn't made a single "kill myself" comment, even jokingly, in a few weeks.  If you recall, during the bad times my wife was making suicidal comments several times per day, and during the relatively "good" times, would make such comments 1-2 times per week. 

She still deals with considerable anxiety, but it is not debilitating.  She works through it.  Before, it would completely shut her down into panic attacks.  She's been able to be somewhat functional with normal tasks like feeding herself when I am not around and getting to work without leaning on me. 

The BPD behaviors are still there, but it feels like she is now a moderately-functioning BPD rather than a low-functioning BPD.  I've noticed she is much more self aware lately, and recognizing her problems as her own and not caused by others. She still complains constantly, but it almost feels like these are just comments and there is little meat to the complaints.  It's like when there is silence, her natural reaction is to complain about something.  And when she does have more behind her complaints, she has a more constructive angle than she did before.  So now when she complains about her students, it's not just wanting to complain but work towards a solution.

I have to think this change is due to the Buspar and Zoloft.  I noticed the change about 3 weeks after she started taking them, and a gradual improvement in her depression and anxiety since then.  She hasn't changed her therapy or 12-step regimes at all. 

And while I think this is wonderful, I am struggling to calm down an relax.  I think it is because I am waiting for the other shoe to drop, feeling this is only temporary. 

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[goateeki]

Max all I can say is that I identify with this and I feel for you.  I hope it works out.

It's interesting what you say about silence seeming to provoke complaints.  I am familiar with the personality type.  And in the past few months I have begun to realize that it really is a baked in part of the personalities of some, and it's what I dealt with for the better part of 20 years.

So, I hope it works out.  I'm glad it's marginally better.

[maxsterling]

Max all I can say is that I identify with this and I feel for you.  I hope it works out.

It's interesting what you say about silence seeming to provoke complaints.  I am familiar with the personality type.  And in the past few months I have begun to realize that it really is a baked in part of the personalities of some, and it's what I dealt with for the better part of 20 years.

So, I hope it works out.  I'm glad it's marginally better.

I'd say it is "fingers-crossed better" right now.  I have the evening off tonight, and for the first time in a long time I am not dreading dealing with my wife.  I can actually think of things we could do together that would be fun and relaxing.  I don't fear asking her to help with dinner. 

Her complaints - if there is silence, she will say thing like "I feel nauseous,"  "my back hurts,"  "I am so tired," "I'm cold/hot".  I don't even think she realizes she is saying them.  I've been able to challenge her somewhat on the complaints.  If she complains of nausea, I point out that she complains of that daily.  If she complains about being hot/cold, I point out that the thermostat is the same temperature as when she complained of the other extreme.  That's actually been helping her realize that her complaints are her own issues to solve, not my issues. 

[goateeki]

You're in a much better position than I was leading into me ending it.  I would do the things that you've said (your thermostat example; something like that, the mere provision of facts) and I would be told that I was "attacking" her.  It made me think I was going crazy.

I regret that I was put in a position in which I had to end it, but having ended it, I am happy that I did. 

We took the kids trick or treating today with a bunch of other parents.  She had almost nothing to say, unless she could launch into some controversy or bad experience she'd just had.  Like you say, I am not sure she even realizes that she is doing this... .or how it is perceived, and the toll it takes on those around her. I just hope that the kids don't view it as normal, healthy behavior.  It would be a tragedy if they grew up to have the demeanor that their mother does.

[maxsterling]

An update here - W's mood is still much more positive.  No, things are far from "perfect" as W still obsesses over things, still complains often, still is not self-entertaining or motivated to take care of her own needs.

But things are 100 times better than before.  She hasn't made any "kill myself" statements in a few weeks.  No serious dysregulations for a few weeks.  Stuff that bothers her she complains about, but I am still able to have a workable conversation with her, and she works through her issues more quickly and doesn't sink as low. 

I think this is 100% medication related.  Nothing else has really changed. 

Before, she was completely non-functional.  Now she is at least getting by.  That leads to my next comment:

In group therapy on Monday, the moderator was talking about how one can't have a healthy conflict (as opposed to a stressful dramatic conflict) with a person who is not safe.  Conflicts cannot be resolved with someone who is reacting dramatically.  The only thing you can do is enforce boundaries to protect yourself.  Thinking about the lessons on the right, that means the communication tolls won't work with someone who is dysregulated.  And relating back to my W's situation - the improvement of her mood from the medication is enough for me to actually use the communication tools and see results.  When she wasn't on medication, healthy conversation felt futile, and I would be frustrated that I would try all the tools with little success.

Yeah, her mood is still mostly pessimistic, and she is still extremely needy towards me, but it doesn't feel hopeless now.

[Grey Kitty]

I'm glad to hear she is functioning better on medications now. YAY! You've been pretty clear though--she isn't 100% cured, there are still issues.

What are you doing to ensure your own physical and emotional health now? You have a breather where you can work on it.

Build up your self-care habits and patterns.

Build up your connections to supportive friends and family (in addition to your wife)

I'm not a fly on the wall where the two of you are living, but if I was, I bet I would see some abusive, manipulative, or controlling behavior on her part, and some codependent behavior on yours.

How about posting here more about the 'minor' problems you do have, and look for support on how you can handle them better than you have been in the past.

[maxsterling]

The issues that still crop up:

- She still spends a ton of time just complaining about work.  It doesn't shut her down, but she will spend an hour venting every night.  This exhausts me.  I listen because she is calm enough and I hope that I can help teach her to work through her own problems. 

- She still "snaps" at me from time to time.  For example, this morning she asked me if I was working this weekend.  I replied "just Saturday".  She snapped, "so you are working this weekend, then."

- She still does very little around the house, and still requires considerable help with her own personal tasks, such as feeding herself.  Monday night I was out until 8:30, and came home to find that she didn't eat dinner, simply because I wasn't there to feed her. 

- She still has a difficult time making decisions.  She asks me about 20 questions that begin with "should I... ." per day. 

On my end, I am still holding on to old learned behaviors. 

- I still avoid communicating certain things with her for fear she will dysregulate, even though she hasn't in a few weeks. 

- I still help her with her personal tasks, even though it exhausts me.  A few months ago, it was pretty clear that if I didn't do certain things, they would not get done, and it would not force her to do them herself.  She was not capable.  Now, she may be capable, but I haven't been able to turn her responsibilities back to her. 

- much of my thought process is still consumed with her moods, fearing what I may see when I get home.

- I still have flashbacks and negative or violent thoughts that began when she attempted suicide.  I don't see this as a codependency thing, but a trauma thing.

[Grey Kitty]

Wow, that's quite a list.

Starting with the end... .yes, that does sound kinda like PTSD. I've got nothing for you there; Either professional therapy/resources or allowing it to fade with time.

As for the rest of it, it is pretty exhausting. How about picking one or two things for yourself to focus on?

How about all the time you spend listening to her complaining about work (or other things. You say it exhausts you.

She doesn't have a RIGHT to exhaust you. You aren't obligated to listen if it costs you. If you build up the boundary enforcement skill so you can shut that down or go away from it any time you want, you will probably discover something amazing--That you *sometimes* can listen to her complaints with compassion and be validating. And that you don't have to listen at other times when it just tears you down.

I guess that is the really big thing at the core--think about giving her so much that you are exhausted and don't have the strength to care for either yourself or her. It is very easy for you to fall into that trap.

I find that the more specific and concrete you get when dealing with something like this, the more constructive and effective you become at improving your marriage. So how about some more detail on how this goes and things you might do to shut it down / get away when it is too much. (Or if something else feels like a better priority, start there)

[sweetheart]

The issues that still crop up:

- She still spends a ton of time just complaining about work.  It doesn't shut her down, but she will spend an hour venting every night.  This exhausts me.  I listen because she is calm enough and I hope that I can help teach her to work through her own problems. 

- She still "snaps" at me from time to time.  For example, this morning she asked me if I was working this weekend.  I replied "just Saturday".  She snapped, "so you are working this weekend, then."

- She still does very little around the house, and still requires considerable help with her own personal tasks, such as feeding herself.  Monday night I was out until 8:30, and came home to find that she didn't eat dinner, simply because I wasn't there to feed her. 

- She still has a difficult time making decisions.  She asks me about 20 questions that begin with "should I... ." per day. 

On my end, I am still holding on to old learned behaviors. 

- I still avoid communicating certain things with her for fear she will dysregulate, even though she hasn't in a few weeks. 

- I still help her with her personal tasks, even though it exhausts me.  A few months ago, it was pretty clear that if I didn't do certain things, they would not get done, and it would not force her to do them herself.  She was not capable.  Now, she may be capable, but I haven't been able to turn her responsibilities back to her. 

- much of my thought process is still consumed with her moods, fearing what I may see when I get home.

- I still have flashbacks and negative or violent thoughts that began when she attempted suicide.  I don't see this as a codependency thing, but a trauma thing.

Hi max I'm pleased for you both that your w is more stable, but it sounds like you are still dealing with a lot. 

How about starting a new thread around the issues you still face because there will be many who can really identify with what you are experiencing, I know I can.