The Shoe Has Dropped...

[raytamtay3]

I know my DD smokes pot.  I know this is not good. But even my DH and I discussed how as long as she does what she's suppose to do, i.e., go to school, be home by curfew, not friends in house, etc., we can overlook this as long as it doesn't become a problem as we were teens too and know teens do that sort of thing... . Well I got a call at 1:00 from Assistant Principle advising one of DD's teacher suspected she was under the influence and she needed to take a test! Now mind you, they searched her and came up with nothing! So I had to leave work and DD refused to take a test at Dr's saying her friends all said it's a set up and by no means take the test by their doctor which scared her to death after everything she's been through, so she refused. She agreed to take one for me at home though.  But because she refused the school, it's an automatic 10 day suspension.  She needs to be medically cleared to return and it's not mandatory I share results with them.  Ok, so, I'm typically not one to side with DD because of all the crap we've been through, but I don't think this was right at all. DD said she was arguing with a teacher and that's when she sent her to office and that it was at the end of the day. How is it fair to just assume a child is under the influence, search them and not find anything, but still suspend them because they refuse to take a test? Yes I know DD should have taken the test anyway. And yes it will come up hot because she told me she does smoke but did not yesterday.  What should I do? Just wait out the 10 days or fight this? Also, now DD is refusing to go back to school saying they are going to constantly harass her.  She was doing so good! At home and at school and now this! This is setting her back big time! I'm beside myself.  :'(   She was so distraught yesterday.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[lbjnltx]

Oh dear  

Can you look online or in the parent information packet from the school to see what their policy reads?  If it is clearly spelled out that they can call for a test at anytime then you will have an answer as to what to do from here.

My d's highschool had on file annually a signed page from parents and students stating that they read and understood the school drug testing and discipline policies.

[raytamtay3]

I don't have it in front of me, but it says something to the affect that if a teacher suspects a student is under the influence and it's affecting their education in class, then they can request it.  I requested in writing what exactly took place for the teacher to suspect DD was under the influence and prompting them to send her to nurse.

There was no form I was to sign in the beginning of the year. The only consent parents sign are ones for those students who are in activities.

[raytamtay3]

It just sucks - for lack of a better word. She was doing everything she needed to do.  Including getting a job. My DD's IEP classification is emotionally disturbed.  This is really setting her back and that terrifies me. I have a feeling she's not going to return to school now. And now what? I don't want to have to send her back to RTC because of this. She's still badgering about taking the GED. Do I let her? I don't know what to do now.  I do know that DD's teacher is now painted black for doing this, and so it's going to be an ongoing saga. 

I know for a fact going back to school is going to be major major drama now.

[raytamtay3]

Should she be grounded?

[lbjnltx]

I've been in your shoes to some degree raytamtay.  It does suck!

Since your d has an IEP can you call a meeting?  Go over the options available and the pros and cons of each to make an informed decision based on what is most likely to be successful for your d and getting a diploma?

My d had no IEP and under our family's circumstances (Dad passed away, d turning 18 half way through her senior year, d hating school/some teachers/many students) I petitioned the school to move her into an alternative program the school supported.  It was a self paced, online curriculum, 1/2 day, basic graduation program in a class room setting off campus.  It worked, she graduated 1/2 year early... .the day after her 18 birthday.

The only downside is that she will have to do classes at a jr or community college before being accepted into a 4 year university.

[raytamtay3]

Ibjnltx - I just received a message from her IEP to schedule a Manifestation Determination Meeting on the day DD is due back to school. So I guess that's when I should discuss an alternative? I want to discuss with DD the options first.  She is hoping I will use this time to research the GED process.

I do know that an alternative school is an option as is night school. Night school won't work now that she has a job though.  But I may be willing to do an alternative school if DD is willing.  I can understand not wanting to be in a regular HS at this point.  Just the stigma associated with everything.  

I think even with the GED (actually it's called something else that I can't think of - where she will get an actual diploma and even walk), she would need to take classes as it is a hard test to pass.  

Convincing DH of an alternative to regular HS is going to be a challenge as I get the sense he already thinks I'm a bad mother for some of the choices I've made. But he still doesn't quite get the fact that DD has a disorder. I don't think he ever will... .However, I do know he has a lot of respect for her now that she's gotten a job.  He actually spoke to her about it.  Actually spoke to her period... .

Not only do I feel I have to walk on eggshells with DD, but DH too as I always feel judged.  Sorry - just having a very very bad emotional day.   :'(

[lbjnltx]

Been there with DH too raytamtay... .it is another layer of concern and somewhat hurtful that our spouse doesn't "get it" nor "accept it" nor support us in our best efforts to parent a disordered child. UGH!

It really helped me to validate my DH just like I did my daughter.  I would use validation and SET with him to minimize conflict and stay focused on problem solving.  Keep coming back to the goal... .d getting the diploma and graduating.  Allow him to express his concerns, validate them and then bring it back around to the best choice for daughter to graduate... .that is what you will both have in common... .the goal.

[jellibeans]

Ray

Your struggles are very similar to my families struggles. I am sorry and I know that it is hard to know what the right approach should be.

What were the results of your testing at home? Was the test able to indentify more than just pot? I would not ignore drug use or simply say teens will be teens. I took this approach at one time and was blind to my dd drug use. Do not give her the benifit of the doubt. Test are there to prove you are innocent... .not guilty... .refusing a test that could have saved her is not wise choice.  Let her serve out her suspension... .I would not fight one bit. This is the consquences she must endure.

As far as school goes... my dd saw school as a real trigger... .by the end she was not able to manage well... .since she wasn't going to go to a four year college she opted to graduate early. She didn't care that she would miss prom or that she was missing out on her high school so that is what we did. I stressed too much about school and really I probably just should have home schooled her but you know how hard that would have been.

I would sit down with the school and have a talk about what can be done to help dd remain at school and if it is possible even to graduate early. If that can be done then do it and let her start her life. Let her work and go to comminty college or what ever she wants. There really is no right answer here Ray... .do what you think is best. Tell her you would maybe consider a different arrangement if she finishes out the semester and passes her classes. That might motivate her to try harder but ultimately school is always going to be a struggle for her and also a place to get drugs easily so exploring different options couldn't hurt. It depends what she wants to do after HS... .GED is somewhat limiting.

I would not ground your dd... .she is already being punished by the school. I would start drug testing her pretty regularly. Especially after she has been out for the night or at a sleepover. Don't ignore drug use because it only gets worse... .pot is a gateway drug... .no matter what people say... .pot leads to other drugs. My dd has tried everything out there and is lucky to be alive.

Try and separate yourself from your dd... .her problems don't have to be yours... .let her feel the full weight of her choices. don't rescue her... .she needs to know that when asked to take a test she needs to comply. Good luck Ray... .I would also suggest you look at Al-alon and see if there is meetings for teens for AA.

[raytamtay3]

Thank you both for your responses and advice. It means so very much. I feel less alone when I come on this board. 

[lbjnltx]

 

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[jellibeans]

   

[infiniteeyes]

Hey Raytamtay3 

I just wondered after reading your post if maybe this is ur DDs way of making you listen to her about the GED?

Sometimes for our BPDs actions can speak louder than words. Just a thought? x

[Kate4queen]

This is so tough on you but having read your posts for quite a while and knowing how smart your DD is-do you think she might be attempting to manipulate you to get what she wants? i.e. to get out of following the ground rules you laid down about accepting her back into your home? It sounds to me like she's trying to test your boundaries and if she succeeds in getting out of going to school and gets her way about doing things her way-then what will happen next? Which one of your hard won boundaries will she break next if she thinks she can?

I'd be very concerned about where all this is going if I were you.  Maybe take a step back from trying to fix everything for her again and stick to your  guns? I know as a parent I made a million excuses for my son's behavior and all I ended up doing was enabling him and making him think I was a pushover.

[raytamtay3]

Hey Raytamtay3 

I just wondered after reading your post if maybe this is ur DDs way of making you listen to her about the GED?

Sometimes for our BPDs actions can speak louder than words. Just a thought? x

Oh I'm sure.

[raytamtay3]

This is so tough on you but having read your posts for quite a while and knowing how smart your DD is-do you think she might be attempting to manipulate you to get what she wants? i.e. to get out of following the ground rules you laid down about accepting her back into your home? It sounds to me like she's trying to test your boundaries and if she succeeds in getting out of going to school and gets her way about doing things her way-then what will happen next? Which one of your hard won boundaries will she break next if she thinks she can?

I'd be very concerned about where all this is going if I were you.  Maybe take a step back from trying to fix everything for her again and stick to your  guns? I know as a parent I made a million excuses for my son's behavior and all I ended up doing was enabling him and making him think I was a pushover.

Good question.  I'm really trying to stand firm on my boundaries. She had a meltdown when I called her out on some of the things that have been going on (came home at 11:50 last night claiming there was a party of 10 that came in at 10:00 and after cleaning up, etc., she didn't get out until 11:30. I'm calling the manager today just to get an idea of how things work there and what her schedule is. I don't want to get her in trouble or give them an impression of her not being truthful, so I'm just going to just kind of introduce myself).  She ended up, purposely or not which I can't prove, blocking my number which prevented me from telling her no when she asked about the sleepover and thus taking it upon herself as it to me yes.  I reaffirmed that if she cannot get a hold of me that means no.  This way she can't try and play that game again.  I also told her if she ever has to stay late like that, it is her responsibility to call me to let me know! It's like I have to spell everything out to her! I know she knows better, but it's like if I don't spell it out, it doesn't apply to her.

I do expect her to mess up from time to time.  And I am going to constantly have to reinforce that boundaries and rules.

[raytamtay3]

I went home on Friday to a broken house phone.  Apparently DD threw it against the wall.  I made her pay me for it.

Things are beginning to spiral.  She is still refusing to go back to school on Nov. 16 after this suspension.  She has been coming in late for curfew.  It was a battle to get her to commit to an appointment to get a refill of her medication as it interfered with her social calendar.  As soon as this suspension occurred, all this has started.  I had a feeling this would make her regress.

I have to call he CMO and let him know what's been going on.  I don't know what's going to happen, i.e., if I should have her sent back considering she isn't adhering to agreement or dealing with it for the 1 year 10 months she has left until she's 18 and I can legally make her hit the road. .  Not really funny... .

She also took a container that my DH's mom gave him that was worth a lot of money out of the house, and has not returned it after we've told her we want it back.  She's been increasingly hostile.  Pretty much exactly where we were two years ago.

[infiniteeyes]

Sorry to hear things have taken a step backwards. Even though I knew you were expecting it. Keep that in mind, that it is to be expected. What are her consequences for breaking curfew?

You're not the only one counting down the days until DD's 18th bday. Although, Im sure we wont wake up on that morning and magically be able to stop caring. Hang in there, keep the calm exterior, ur doing great 

[raytamtay3]

Hi Infiniteeyes.  I suspended DD's cell phone service for being late, which is what prompted her to then smash the house phone... .She claimed she had to work extra late due to a large party coming to the restaurant.  Then it turned in to her phone would be turned on when she paid for the damage house phone, which she relunctly (sp?) did.

I just am so upset we are back to how things were. And so mad at myself for giving in and not going with a lot of people's suggestion of group home prior to coming home.

I was so hopeful things would be different and wanted to give her a chance, and that she would be on her Ps and Qs after being away for over two years and not wanting to go back... . Even this job is posing an issue because she has yet to open an account, so you and I both know where that money is going... .Ugh.  I just want it to stop.

[Dibdob59]

I am so sorry this is happening. I know you were hopeful that she would see her return home and new job as an important step forward.

This illness is devastating for all involved. This is not your fault.

[raytamtay3]

I am so sorry this is happening. I know you were hopeful that she would see her return home and new job as an important step forward.

This illness is devastating for all involved. This is not your fault.

Thank you Dibdob59. 

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[lbjnltx]

Limit pushing and boundary testing are what teens do.

What skills did your d learn at RTC?

We made the decision to send our d back to RTC when she would not use the skills she learned and broke our home contract repeatedly.  The second round sent a clear message to our daughter that we are serious and she needs to use what she worked so hard to learn and use  it consistently.  It worked. 

[raytamtay3]

Limit pushing and boundary testing are what teens do.

What skills did your d learn at RTC?

We made the decision to send our d back to RTC when she would not use the skills she learned and broke our home contract repeatedly.  The second round sent a clear message to our daughter that we are serious and she needs to use what she worked so hard to learn and use  it consistently.  It worked.  

Honestly, I don't think she learned much there other than to be more sneaky and manipulative. She was coasting by at the end, I believe, as a result of the Lamictal and finally gave in and played the game to get out.  For her, I don't think it did any good at all.  Just made her even more street smart.

My DD has been through a lot when I think about everything.  We had to take desperate measures to get her in an RTC.  It began with a stint in Juvi, then off to a shelter, than to an RTC for a little less than a year because we didn't like the facility and then a year at this last RTC.  She has a scar over her right eye from getting in to a fight with one of the girls at the RTC.  She was constantly being restrained at the last place until 4 months before discharge.  It breaks my heart.  But she was able to stay strong though it all. She is one tough cookie and thankfully so.  I get anxiety thinking about how I would feel having to go through all that.  I am so passive and would be in a corner crying my eyes out if it were me!  

It was such a horrible experience for me personally to have to sit and watch.  I just cannot bear to send her back... .I can't.  :'(   Talk about tramatizing (sp?)!

The main source of contention right now is school.  She told me she refuses to go back.  I do know that she's always struggled in school due to her behavior.  I did speak to her CM at school who offered an alternative - night school from 3 - 6 Mon - Thur at the HS.  I am considering negociating with DD on that.  However, I anticipate even that will be a struggle as she now works from 3:30 to closing.  And heaven forbid it should interfere with her social life... .

I'm thinking of suggesting she speak to her supervisor to see if they could re-arrange her schedule.  Afterall, if she was so hell bent on getting her GED and taking classes for it, which most likely would have been later in the day as well.  This way, transportation is provided.

Thoughts?

[raytamtay3]

I have to get her back in to therapy as well.  That kind of fell by the wayside which is my fault.  She was suppose to go to a Rehab After School Program, but the program never materialized!  I talked with her the other day about how we went cold turkey and how that wasn't a good idea. She did agree... .

[raytamtay3]

Boy, they really do know how to give guilt trips don't they? Although this time, it's not working.  

Today is the 3rd year wedding anniversary of my DH and I, and we are going out to dinner.  Well it just so happens tonight of all nights, DD doesn't have plans or work and is badgering me to take her shopping for fall clothes after work.  I explained that I may be able to any other night accept tonight considering it's our anniversary and got slammed with "you always put others before me".  Wow - just wow.  As if that's ever been the case... .  

[mimi99]

I found that when my BPDd wants something, everyone else is expected to wait until she gets it. She will blow up my phone, calling over and over until I finally answer (thinking something awful must have happened) only to hear "I need a copy of my car insurance card" or something equally ridiculous. Then, if I don't jump it's "You never cared about me--you've never been there for me--a stranger on the street is a better mother to me than you are", etc, etc. Sigh... they really do know how to manipulate. I'm glad to hear you are standing your ground this time.

[raytamtay3]

She text'd me last night asking if she could sleep over at her friend's and I said no.  So she never came home... .Her cell goes straight to VM.  I'm so tired of this game.

[Dibdob59]

This is difficult for you.

Is she pushing the boundaries and waiting to see if there will be a consequence that has an impact on her?

[raytamtay3]

This is difficult for you.

Is she pushing the boundaries and waiting to see if there will be a consequence that has an impact on her?

Do we ever really know what the heck they are thinking? .  I'm giving her one month to turn it all around or she goes back is what she and I will be discussing as she knew what the conditions were for coming home.

[jellibeans]

Hey Ray

I am really understand what you are going through. Your dd sounds a lot like mine. She is testing you and it is really important to be consistant. My dd was doing a lot of what your dd is doing and although I am sure mental illness has something to do with it I really feel addiction is also driving the bus for your dd right now. I would stress that she get help for that right now.

Your dd wanted to get clothes... .who was paying for that? Who is paying for her Phone? I will tell you my dd right now needs to earn her way. She pays me for her phone and she buys her own clothes. I would stop giving her things and make her earn them. she feels very entitled and that feeds into her addiction issues. What do you do when she breaks curfew or is home late? What are the consquences? I think it is important to let the natural consequences unfold for your dd even if that mean calling the police to report her for drug use. That kind of action can help get her to rehab.

There is a book by Dr Lee called "Recovering my kid"... .It is a good one to read. While your dd is under the influence of drugs she is not thinking right. It is time to look at your boundaries and write them down if needed.

If my dd wants to go out and sleep some where she knows she will be drug tested upon her return. You can buy these test at the drug store of online in bulk. I think you really need to stop ignoring the drug use. You have a limited amount of time to get dd help before she turns 18. Do all that you can now. Find a rehab that deal with dual DX and get her the help she needs. I am not sure you are located but the Hazeldon betty ford clinic in MN was a good experience.

I know you are worried about school and her graduating but put that on hold right now. Work on getting her help first. Stand your ground... .the addict will try and barder with you... .try not to enter into a circular aurgement with her. Take a breath and get your list together. Decide what you need to do going forward. I know it might be hard to think straight right now so get some help from a T or Al-anon. Ask for help from the school... .you don't have to do this alone. Keep us posted Ray... .It will get better. Hang in there