Stuck with what to do now...

[AmIReadyForThis]

Hello again.

Been talking off and on the last couple weeks with BPDex who is pregnant with, I presume, my child. Haven't seen each other in person in almost 2 months. Yesterday I had made it known I would like to see her, she had said maybe and that we'd talk later about it. Fast forward to today and she tells me one of her friends announced a pregnancy today and mentioned that this friend is happily married, house, car and a dog and that she's sad bc she doesn't have that. I replied by saying she could have that to which she said no she can't because she doesn't have anyone. My response to this was asking her if she'd like me to come over to see her. She replied by asking why so I said because I want to make sure she knows she isn't alone.

No response. It's been a few hours now.

Any advice as to what to do?

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[livednlearned]

Hi AmIReady,

How did things end when you broke up 2 months ago? Was she the one to end things?

She's feeling alone in the world, maybe afraid (baby on the way, no stability) and it may take a lot of validation to reach her. This can be tricky -- we often understand validation intellectually. Doing it, especially when we have our own emotions, can be a challenge.

An example of validation is when she says "I don't have anyone" you might respond with "How do you feel about that?" Validating questions are particularly good when a person with BPD has a lot of decisions to work through and is overwhelmed or unsure how to proceed.

"I feel alone."

"I will fix that for you by coming over."

Is normal in a normal relationship, under normal circumstances. If she is feeling overwhelmed and engulfed, she may need a more validating approach.

What are you thinking feels right, in terms of responding, not responding?

[1minuteatatime]

I'm sorry that you feel stuck.

My BPDex went off the pill on purpose and I didn't use a condom in 1998.  I am lucky to have a son sitting right across from me.  That being said, do you want to be with her or do you feel that this is an "obligation" since you got her pregnant? Does she say that you will be responsible for all of the bills around the kid?(fear)  does she let you know that you knocked her up?  I broke up with my BPD ex wife and had a new years eve date in 1998 when my BPD called me to advise that she was pregnant. I dropped everything and went to her.(not validating, it was "fixing" (as the smart fella livednlearned said) I still regret marrying her(although we have two beautiful boys that are both hanging with me today(never will I regret them).  I went on to have a good career(I still have a good career) but the marriage pain was just not worth it.  I now attract BPD partners because I learned early on that co-dependency seemed to work short term.  Trust me, it does not work long term.  Knowing my co-dependency traits has been the best thing I have learned in the last 12 months.  I knew that I needed to stick up for myself and take care of myself.  I just didn't know it was called co-dependency.  I just wanted to be around my kids.  :)umbest mistake ever.  If I would have let her go after the first cheating incident, it would have been better.  I used the last cheating act as an excuse to leave(make myself look good).  So stupid of me.  Better to just do what you feel, not do things to "look good, holier than thou, etc... ."

that is my experience with 15 years of a BPD relationship.  Jealous of me talking on the phone with my brother when I was outside dipping in the pool.  She knew it was my brother and she was inside.  Silly, silly stuff.  I fought with her constantly.  emotional abuse on all sides.  screaming.  yelling.  anger.

I got recommended to read the "high conflict couple"  Ordered it on amazon last night.  Less than 10 bucks.  Said 3 weeks to ship but an angel shipped it today

don't do anything for her first.  :)o what YOU want first.  Her second.  relationship third.  Not being a complete selfish douche.  But  career, sleeping well, eating well, exercise, being organized should be first.  then make sure you listen to her when she needs it.  every little thing is not your issue.  You also cannot fix her problems.  That is the best thing I did with my ex wife and ex-gf.  I never tried to fix them.  But i was clingy at the end.

You know in your heart what to do.  :)o it.  I would have a much better relationship with my kids if I would have left in 2005.  :)oes your ex-girlfriend talk to all of her family members?

If your heart says stay, stay.  Go, go.  You know intuitively I bet.  Don't worry about people judging you.  They always will anyway.

[AmIReadyForThis]

Thank you for the reply livednlearned.

She was the one end things. She said she felt smothered then ended it. We went nc for a few weeks after then she called to tell me of the pregnancy.

I should be more validating in my conversation and appraise with her?

Lately I've been making a conscious effort to not speak/resound in ways to show my emotions. By telling her I'm here for her and that she isn't alone, instead of I miss you I want to see and be with you.

[AmIReadyForThis]

Thank you 1minuteatatime for sharing your story.

To be honest with you, and myself, I have always wanted to be with this girl. Baby or no baby. The pregnancy hasn't given me any feeling of obligation to her, I feel an obligation to the eventual child to be the best father I can be.

There was an event that occurred in my life back in the spring, during a football (soccer) match that made me look at myself and focus on being a better, healthier me. Since that moment I have lost 36 pounds, no longer have certain insecurities I once held and feel great in my skin. I feel as though since my refocusing on me it had also helped me in my interaction with my BPDex.

She has replied to my message now, when I said I want to make sure she knows she isn't alone. She says she doesn't know what she wants.

[1minuteatatime]

Quote:

She has replied to my message now, when I said I want to make sure she knows she isn't alone. She says she doesn't know what she wants.

That is what my ex-girlfriend would say.  Often.  :)o not chose for her.  Sit and wait.  :)o your thing (whatever that is).  If she wants you to come by, do so after you have worked out or whatever.  She will tell you.  Let her tell you.  It's ok to go over if she asks.  You can hang with her.  I would focus on listening(i'm not good at validating at all) if you are there.  My ex got really pissed the day we broke up because I was folding laundry and stuff while she was breaking up.(that may have fueled it)  I was not validating at all. Not even active listening.

Good for you.  If you want to try, try. She may have felt you would abandon her.  I instinctively told my ex-gf, "I'm right here"  I even had it written on the Tiffany card when I bought jewelry for our 6 month anniversary.  She liked that.  Told me that she thought of me when she heard the Dierks Bentley song "I Hold On".  

[kc sunshine]

Lived and learned, your validating questions link doesn't work-- would you mind posting them? Thanks!

[livednlearned]

Oops, sorry about that! Try this link: Validating questions.

[AmIReadyForThis]

Update:

Spent time with her yesterday. Took her to the doctor where we heard the babies heartbeat for the first time. Truly a sobering experience. After the appointment we went out for dinner and then hung out for the remainder of the evening with her family. She had made a comment 'maybe I should keep you around' however at the end of the night she had just said 'go'. Haven't spoken with her since leaving her place last night.

I don't just want a baby with this woman. I want us to be a family. But I'm unsure as to how to bring this up or if I should. Seeing her yesterday brought back the flood of love that I had for her since the first time we kissed and she put her hand in mine.