BPD friend has cut me out?

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

This is the first time Ive ever spoken about this, it will be quite long so apologies.

My BPD friend has cut me out two weeks ago to the day.

She has never been officially diagnosed with BPD but I realised she probably had it after reading about it online, I put this to her and she did a lot of research on it herself and she agreed she definitely has it, I tried to encourage her to book in to see a professional about it, but she cancelled the appointments or claimed she forget. In one moment she admitted it was because she was scared about it. She has a dramatic fear of being 'dragged from her house and chained up in a mental hospital' but I'm not sure where that comes from.

Our friendship is complicated, we largely speak online, but we have been friends for about 5 years, for 3 of those years she has said she is in love with me ( I told her clearly I don't feel the same), but also that I am her best friend. She has also been my best friend.  I have Aspergers, and I have long preferred being by myself, I have had good friends over the years but I find socialising very draining, so I found solace in online friendships. (I do not currently have any interest in romantic relationships). My experience is friendship is very basic and I feel , act and look younger than my age.

I had inklings she suffered from depression quite early on but she overall was a happy person. On one occasion however she mentioned she had self harmed on numerous occasions before she knew me. Aside from that we rarely touched on the subject of depression.

Two Years ago that changed when she told me she was going to commit suicide,as in she was on her roof about to jump off. I stayed up all night with her, it was terrifying, I was trembling long into the next day and I have never cried so much, as I really thought she was going to do it. Little did I realise that was just the beginning, over the next year and a half nights like that became a regular occurrence. I had little to no knowledge of how to deal with this, during research the main advise I found was to never doubt someone who threatens suicide even if you are perhaps sceptical. So I never did , which meant every time she said she was going to I genuinely thought that could be it. By now her threatening suicide was a regular thing, I desperately wanted other people to be involved and to share the 'burden' I was carrying totally alone but for example when I was going to call an ambulance she said if I did she would jump, similar threats were made when I said I would tell her mom. As I said earlier she said she was scared she would be dragged away to a mental institute. I knew if I 'betrayed' her by telling someone behind her back I would loose her trust and she might end up with nobody.

During this time I developed anxiety which affected me in every aspect of my life, I lived in almost constant fear that her suicide could happen at any moment, as she said herself, I was the only person she relied on for help with it all. I did get her on one occasion to talk to her mom about it but she seemed to not take it very seriously so it was back to square one.

Fast forward to 6 months or so ago, I realised I had fallen into depression myself, before I had always been quite a happy-go-lucky person. I felt like I had been 'sucked in' to her world somewhat, I did some research and found lots of advise for people who are helping someone through depression and are told to make sure they get help for themselves, which of course I hadn't been doing. I had the realization I had been completely neglecting myself and putting my friend first.And I knew the toll it was taking on my mental and physical health was not sustainable and I needed to change. So I decided take a step back from my friend. And stop taking her threats so seriously. I told her all this and she agreed It was best and she was very upset on my behalf and at the fact I'd been so engrossed in her constant negativity that I'd become negative myself.

Since then I have been researching BPD often and ways to deal with it, for example removing yourself from the person when they get abusive, I have had many moments of that with my friend, her 'blaming' me for the fact she is still alive, being told I have ruined her life, and I'm the reason she wishes she was dead is probably the most common one.Often that will be said the day after she has told me I saved her life and I'm the best person in the world. Especially due to my low confidence but I mean who wouldn't want to hear those things? I actually find the NICE things are the worse things to hear and affect me the most, I don't really have any other friends and I have put my all into this friendship, to be told is was worth something for her is all I want to hear. But knowing for the past few months she may not really mean it has been crushing. Finding the truth in what she says is really impossible. She has on occasion admitted that her constant death threats etc were sometimes emotional manipulation which is as I suspect, Although I always make sure I reassure her that it doesn't mean I doubt that she is suicidal.

At the end of last month we agreed to take a small break, I definitely noticed my anxiety levels dropped and my tension was less constant, however I agreed to shorten the length of the break due to her missing me. We spoke as normal until two weeks ago, We had a unpleasant argument and the next day she was ill and she implied it was because of me. Then the day after she agreed for us to talk to clear the air and she seemed very positive about it, but when it came to the time we had agreed she said she had to go to work early, and said we really had to talk but there's not enough time in her day. Bear in mind we had said it would be a short conversation and she was the one who had decided on the time that we should speak

We had both been discussing about us ending, but she always said that we would have to phase it out so it was gentle on us both. And would stay in regular contact. But over the weekend I didn't hear from her,and I worried something may have happened. I realised eventually she had changed her facebook picture so she was fine, but that led me to confusion as I didn't know why she was ignoring me. I continued texting her but got not reply, I realised she had blocked my number. So I fb msged her that I had a personal emergency to talk about to see if that would get a response. She replied asking what was wrong and I was greatly relieved as I thought I had got through to her. She also imessaged me asking me what was wrong. Sadly that was an hour of the day I was not around my phone so by the time I got to replying I think she was asleep. And it seems when she woke up the next day she checked herself as her next response to me was telling me to 'f*** off. i clearly don't want to talk to you i blocked your number weeks ago, leave me alone' , I have deduced that her blocking my number was a lie as it was only a couple of weeks before we had the break where she said she couldn't stop thinking about me. I just found it all bizarre as although I racked my brains about the events leading up to her cutting me out there wasn't anything there that would justify this response. It only makes it slightly easier that I happened upon the BPD 'splitting' as at least it makes some sense now. But the reality is I am stuck without any closure if she really does not contact me again like some people on the forums I've looked at suggest will be the case, Am I right to take some heart from her being bothered to reply asking what my emergency is? Although that was nearer the beginning and I doubt she would now. I made a Facebook and messaged her yesterday and she blocked it immediately. Also about a week and a half ago she replied to an email saying 'I'm safe if you are" but since then I have not heard anything. However I did put a track onto my emails to her so I do know she does sometimes read them, not sure how much that means though. What I really want is for a proper goodbye, otherwise I will be left with no closure. I am fearful of my future as I feel like this will be a big blow to my already low confidence, and trust in people. This was my only real friend and she was my constant (due to my ASD change is especially hard) she was the only person I open up to, I've never have someone be a real good friend for me, and I tried to be a friend to her that I wish I could have but she never could really give the same in return. I saw someone say that either they want no contact or they want you to chase them to show you care. In the past she has always wanted me to show I care, but this feels different. So I think the best thing will be for me to stop contacting her? I know it's going to be incredibly hard though, I have been walking around in a daze for the past two weeks and getting through each day is a struggle. I also do slightly worry that she may be 'smearing' me to her family, or even claiming I'm harassing her. After reading other peoples experiences, not knowing the lengths she will go to is a little scary.

In the past she has told me she has 'turned herself off' to cope with the negative emotions she feels but I have always got her to turn back on again. Not knowing if I will hear from her again is so hard, to feel like I have wasted so much on this person is devastating and I don't know how I will trust anyone again, not that I have any other friends. If anyone has any idea's how to deal with this situation or what her mindset will be right now please let me know. Any thoughts it welcome. Thanks

[milano17]

This is the first time Ive ever spoken about this, it will be quite long so apologies.

My BPD friend has cut me out two weeks ago to the day.

She has never been officially diagnosed with BPD but I realised she probably had it after reading about it online, I put this to her and she did a lot of research on it herself and she agreed she definitely has it, I tried to encourage her to book in to see a professional about it, but she cancelled the appointments or claimed she forget. In one moment she admitted it was because she was scared about it. She has a dramatic fear of being 'dragged from her house and chained up in a mental hospital' but I'm not sure where that comes from.

Our friendship is complicated, we largely speak online, but we have been friends for about 5 years, for 3 of those years she has said she is in love with me ( I told her clearly I don't feel the same), but also that I am her best friend. She has also been my best friend.  I have Aspergers, and I have long preferred being by myself, I have had good friends over the years but I find socialising very draining, so I found solace in online friendships. (I do not currently have any interest in romantic relationships). My experience is friendship is very basic and I feel , act and look younger than my age.

I had inklings she suffered from depression quite early on but she overall was a happy person. On one occasion however she mentioned she had self harmed on numerous occasions before she knew me. Aside from that we rarely touched on the subject of depression.

Two Years ago that changed when she told me she was going to commit suicide,as in she was on her roof about to jump off. I stayed up all night with her, it was terrifying, I was trembling long into the next day and I have never cried so much, as I really thought she was going to do it. Little did I realise that was just the beginning, over the next year and a half nights like that became a regular occurrence. I had little to no knowledge of how to deal with this, during research the main advise I found was to never doubt someone who threatens suicide even if you are perhaps sceptical. So I never did , which meant every time she said she was going to I genuinely thought that could be it. By now her threatening suicide was a regular thing, I desperately wanted other people to be involved and to share the 'burden' I was carrying totally alone but for example when I was going to call an ambulance she said if I did she would jump, similar threats were made when I said I would tell her mom. As I said earlier she said she was scared she would be dragged away to a mental institute. I knew if I 'betrayed' her by telling someone behind her back I would loose her trust and she might end up with nobody.

During this time I developed anxiety which affected me in every aspect of my life, I lived in almost constant fear that her suicide could happen at any moment, as she said herself, I was the only person she relied on for help with it all. I did get her on one occasion to talk to her mom about it but she seemed to not take it very seriously so it was back to square one.

Fast forward to 6 months or so ago, I realised I had fallen into depression myself, before I had always been quite a happy-go-lucky person. I felt like I had been 'sucked in' to her world somewhat, I did some research and found lots of advise for people who are helping someone through depression and are told to make sure they get help for themselves, which of course I hadn't been doing. I had the realization I had been completely neglecting myself and putting my friend first.And I knew the toll it was taking on my mental and physical health was not sustainable and I needed to change. So I decided take a step back from my friend. And stop taking her threats so seriously. I told her all this and she agreed It was best and she was very upset on my behalf and at the fact I'd been so engrossed in her constant negativity that I'd become negative myself.

Since then I have been researching BPD often and ways to deal with it, for example removing yourself from the person when they get abusive, I have had many moments of that with my friend, her 'blaming' me for the fact she is still alive, being told I have ruined her life, and I'm the reason she wishes she was dead is probably the most common one.Often that will be said the day after she has told me I saved her life and I'm the best person in the world. Especially due to my low confidence but I mean who wouldn't want to hear those things? I actually find the NICE things are the worse things to hear and affect me the most, I don't really have any other friends and I have put my all into this friendship, to be told is was worth something for her is all I want to hear. But knowing for the past few months she may not really mean it has been crushing. Finding the truth in what she says is really impossible. She has on occasion admitted that her constant death threats etc were sometimes emotional manipulation which is as I suspect, Although I always make sure I reassure her that it doesn't mean I doubt that she is suicidal.

At the end of last month we agreed to take a small break, I definitely noticed my anxiety levels dropped and my tension was less constant, however I agreed to shorten the length of the break due to her missing me. We spoke as normal until two weeks ago, We had a unpleasant argument and the next day she was ill and she implied it was because of me. Then the day after she agreed for us to talk to clear the air and she seemed very positive about it, but when it came to the time we had agreed she said she had to go to work early, and said we really had to talk but there's not enough time in her day. Bear in mind we had said it would be a short conversation and she was the one who had decided on the time that we should speak

We had both been discussing about us ending, but she always said that we would have to phase it out so it was gentle on us both. And would stay in regular contact. But over the weekend I didn't hear from her,and I worried something may have happened. I realised eventually she had changed her facebook picture so she was fine, but that led me to confusion as I didn't know why she was ignoring me. I continued texting her but got not reply, I realised she had blocked my number. So I fb msged her that I had a personal emergency to talk about to see if that would get a response. She replied asking what was wrong and I was greatly relieved as I thought I had got through to her. She also imessaged me asking me what was wrong. Sadly that was an hour of the day I was not around my phone so by the time I got to replying I think she was asleep. And it seems when she woke up the next day she checked herself as her next response to me was telling me to 'f*** off. i clearly don't want to talk to you i blocked your number weeks ago, leave me alone' , I have deduced that her blocking my number was a lie as it was only a couple of weeks before we had the break where she said she couldn't stop thinking about me. I just found it all bizarre as although I racked my brains about the events leading up to her cutting me out there wasn't anything there that would justify this response. It only makes it slightly easier that I happened upon the BPD 'splitting' as at least it makes some sense now. But the reality is I am stuck without any closure if she really does not contact me again like some people on the forums I've looked at suggest will be the case, Am I right to take some heart from her being bothered to reply asking what my emergency is? Although that was nearer the beginning and I doubt she would now. I made a Facebook and messaged her yesterday and she blocked it immediately. Also about a week and a half ago she replied to an email saying 'I'm safe if you are" but since then I have not heard anything. However I did put a track onto my emails to her so I do know she does sometimes read them, not sure how much that means though. What I really want is for a proper goodbye, otherwise I will be left with no closure. I am fearful of my future as I feel like this will be a big blow to my already low confidence, and trust in people. This was my only real friend and she was my constant (due to my ASD change is especially hard) she was the only person I open up to, I've never have someone be a real good friend for me, and I tried to be a friend to her that I wish I could have but she never could really give the same in return. I saw someone say that either they want no contact or they want you to chase them to show you care. In the past she has always wanted me to show I care, but this feels different. So I think the best thing will be for me to stop contacting her? I know it's going to be incredibly hard though, I have been walking around in a daze for the past two weeks and getting through each day is a struggle. I also do slightly worry that she may be 'smearing' me to her family, or even claiming I'm harassing her. After reading other peoples experiences, not knowing the lengths she will go to is a little scary.

In the past she has told me she has 'turned herself off' to cope with the negative emotions she feels but I have always got her to turn back on again. Not knowing if I will hear from her again is so hard, to feel like I have wasted so much on this person is devastating and I don't know how I will trust anyone again, not that I have any other friends. If anyone has any idea's how to deal with this situation or what her mindset will be right now please let me know. Any thoughts it welcome. Thanks

[once removed]

hey milano17 and

i can certainly imagine how this friendship and being on suicide watch would take a tremendous toll on you. if i read correctly, you have also been in the middle of ongoing suicide threats, and one day told how important you are, and the next day blamed  . you have come to the right place. i think you will find many members here who can relate to your story.

criteria of BPD involve a persistent pattern of unstable relationships, unstable emotions, and an unstable sense of self. often, the loved ones in their life (us) can become consumed with the role of emotional caretaker, and it seems the harder we try, that we are fighting a losing battle. this is really tough on everyone involved, but you are not alone  .

we have a great deal of resources here that may provide clarity going forward. i recommend beginning with the lessons (links) directly to the right which include understanding your situation, tools, and BPD behaviors.

youve had a very close friendship for five years and now you feel in the dark, this would understandably be very hard on you. please keep posting and asking questions, we are here for you