Separation - need help structuring it

[Depression = 72% of members]

Hi all,

we are planning separation. I iniciated it and I see it as a move forward: he will be moving to the capital of the state in south Mexico, where he will be going to therapy, and living on his own.

For the first time we can discuss such a thing, which is definetly a good thing. However he still sees it way too final, and he feels lost.

My plan is:

- we will be about six ours drive, so we can see each other every two weeks.

- we will have structured times when we will talk to each other on skype, phone, chat... .

I am seeing it as a grat way for him to build his self confidence, reevaluete his priorities and simply grow.  At times he sees it the same way, but he is too scared... .

As you can imagine it is not easy for him, but the most important thing is that even though the splitting happend last monday, yesterday we could, better say I talked about it and he could listen, even though he got depressed and couldnt do anything for the rest of the evening.

what do you suggest for me to do:

- Should I go to the city with him and help him settle?

- Should we have move out date?

- Should we (I) continue our projects, or have them on hold, ( when he splits he feels that I am controling everything and that he is abused and used by me, and neglected... .)

These are questions I have in mind... .let me know what you folks think... .

thanks

Jox

[Jox]

Hi all,

we are planning separation. I iniciated it and I see it as a move forward: he will be moving to the capital of the state in south Mexico, where he will be going to therapy, and living on his own.

For the first time we can discuss such a thing, which is definetly a good thing. However he still sees it way too final, and he feels lost.

My plan is:

- we will be about six ours drive, so we can see each other every two weeks.

- we will have structured times when we will talk to each other on skype, phone, chat... .

I am seeing it as a grat way for him to build his self confidence, reevaluete his priorities and simply grow.  At times he sees it the same way, but he is too scared... .

As you can imagine it is not easy for him, but the most important thing is that even though the splitting happend last monday, yesterday we could, better say I talked about it and he could listen, even though he got depressed and couldnt do anything for the rest of the evening.

what do you suggest for me to do:

- Should I go to the city with him and help him settle?

- Should we have move out date?

- Should we (I) continue our projects, or have them on hold, ( when he splits he feels that I am controling everything and that he is abused and used by me, and neglected... .)

These are questions I have in mind... .let me know what you folks think... .

thanks

Jox

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[formflier]

 

I was separated a couple of summers ago.

Turned out to be a good thing.

We were doing MC and family T... and some individual work.  Structured times to get together.

It was very effective... .gave me time to sort stuff out.

At first blush the only issue I have with your plan is the distance.

I had contact with my wife several times a week (we were in same small town) during the separation.  Contact with kids was daily, unless there was a trip or some other thing.

Answers to your questions... .this is a first reaction... I would love more details.

1.  No... don't go help him settle.  Let him figure things out on his own... .provide limited emotional support only.

2.  Let him pick a date... .provide emotional support only. 

3.  I need more info on projects... .if projects result in splitting or other BPDish stuff... .let him do his project... you do yours.  Or let him do a phase of the project... .you do next phase.  Do not "count" on a deadline   

Generally... .this should be a time of doing things independently... .while maintain a level of emotional connection and awareness.

Lots more info needed to give good guidance here.

What do you think so far?

FF

[Jox]

Hi FF,

this is great, thank you for the response, you really helped me out.

- first I was very confused if it is good to separate for one period, but you reashurred me.

- sounds good to have him pick the date, so he doesnt feel being kicked out... .

- makes sense not to help him out to settle

OK, now the distance, we are on the Oaxaca coast, which is tourist place and kind of slow, the Oaxaca city is across heavy mountins. He will enjoy the city, he could find good therapists, and city life is fun anyway.

Do you think that the distance is a problem, in which way?

The project is a drag. We are here actually to build a palm house on the lot on the beach... .It is necessary to build something for the property sake, but also the tourist season is coming so we would like to take advantage off.

Is his land though, and his money. This goes up and down depending on his state of mind. The reason why we are here in Oaxaca is precisely to take care of the land. But it seems that its more complicated.

Just yesterday he said he doesnt want to do the project because no matter what he says it will always go my way... .

thank god I didnt react to that... .

[formflier]

 

Distance:  This is not a period of NC.  Hopefully you guys can do some together counseling... MC if you will.  On a regular schedule.

If distance doesn't prevent this... .then no issues there.

Proximity to counselors is good.

I think you have the hang of the big picture... .let him sort his stuff out.  You sort your stuff out.

Sounds like it is his project.  Figure out how much time you can devote to it.  Put ball in his court. 

"I've got 5 hours I've available to help on Saturday if that will help.  I need to know when and if you will need me by Thursday at 5pm.  "

FF