Hello everyone,
Just wanted to provide an update to my situation. I noticed my ex was a little sullen at work today so naturally I inquired if everything was ok. She asked if I really wanted to know and I said yes.
She proceeded to tell me about how she had been in a relationship for about the last month (which coincides with the distance I've been receiving and when she went quieter) but was unexpectedly dumped by the new guy today. She said everything was going great, then proceeded to idealize this guy and all his wonderful attributes. Said they had sex on second date (which came as a personal blow because I'd gone sexless for many months in the relationship). He was also idealizing her apparently.
I didn't see any reason why this guy would dump her from what she told me but maybe he picked up on some red flags.
I don't know why I'm posting... .I guess I feel indifferent but also quite sad for her that her worst fears have been made real. Sad for myself also. He's the exact opposite of me and basically an upgrade in every way which hurts. He's also the opposite of her "type" but she was quick to defend that they complemented each other wonderfully.
I took the news better than I expected I would but I can't tell if I'm in shock or I just knew this was coming eventually.
She didn't seem to paint me white or anything. She thanked me for being a good listener and for caring. She also used terms that he "abandoned, betrayed and used" her. But it seems like she was still painting him white/idealizing which seems counter to what I've read about BPD. I thought he'd be enemy #1 but no. She says she blocked him on everything but still praised his amazing personality, looks, skills etc. like he was the perfect dream guy. She called herself worthless.
I tried to validate as best I could while maintaining my own emotions. Part of me felt hurt, bitter and just... .depressed. It's hard to hear about another guy accomplishing what I couldn't. She said he wore the pants in the relationship and she basically worshipped the ground he walked on and did anything he wanted. Whereas me, well... .opposite.
I guess I received answers to some of my undying questions. She gave a little closure. For example, if you want success in a relationship... .don't be a doormat, don't be a follower, don't be submissive, don't be over caring, don't be over emotional, don't tend to their every need. Be a man, be confident, be in control, be dominant, be decisive, don't have expectations. Period. Everything else is just bonus and not required.
I was hoping maybe I'd be viewed in a good light again but that doesn't seem to be the case. I was half expecting immediate idealization but found myself disappointed. (See? Don't have expectations... .when will I learn?)
The key to success is confidence... .but when I have to read self help books to learn how to be a confident alpha male, it makes me feel pretty unconfident
the fact that I'm on this forum still ruminating over a relationship that's been dead for months proves I'm not a confident alpha male. Even if I took BPD out of the equation, my ex would have left anyways! Nothing annihilates female attraction faster than a lack of confidence. Lack of confidence is literally female repellant. Even a hint of it will destroy you.
Thankfully, the work to change myself has already begun. It's hard to rewrite all of my circuitry but if I want any happiness in this life... .I must unlearn what I have learned and try something different.
Here's to 2016, a year of change where I stop being a doormat!
