'Crazy eyes' while in rage

[Freeatlast_1]

I was spending most of my relationship post idealization stage trying to keep the monster at bay by being passive and finally losing who I am. I suppressed a lot of responses and actions that I would've normally expressed. When my ex got triggered, her eyes open wide, and something changes in her chemistry that she stares with the most demon-like/devilish look that is humanly possible. She becomes possessed! starts punching, yellowing, cursing etc. one time she was about to pull my hair but stopped herself. Later she feels sorry and says she does not deserve me. I am curious if any of your exes acted so bazaar. I know BPDs have rage issues, but my ex transformed into a monster... .literally... .it's shocking, and the lifeless evil eyes is so fascinating to me. I guess my ex dissociated and became emotionally shut, and without her empathy, she turned into a monster. Makes me think... .is empathy what separates us from being evil monsters?

[Beacher]

I am familiar with the crazy eyes ( god what a great way to put it!). Bugging out of his head, shaking, actually spitting when he talks or screams. It's the scariest thing to watch, almost like a possession. One time he started banging his head against the table. All because he decided to bow out of yet another party and when he came to tell me I was talking to my sister and he came up behind me and I said " I was just talking to T about her son" . But because he did not actually hear me mention her son at that very minute, said " you are lying, you weren't talking about her son". As if I am not allowed to talk about anything else in the conversation! It was so unbelievably insane but I realize now the sickness of BPD and in fact he thought I was upset about him not going to the party! But the mask of do fury is enough to want to make you call SWAT. So glad we can all share these experiences and not feel so alone!

[Teereese]

  freeatlast

My ex would become a scary monster, as well. Everything about him would change; his eyes, face, posture, voice, mannerisms.

I knew he was lashing out as an emotionally hurt child but that wasn't what he wanted to portray.

His eyes would go wild, face contort, teeth would be bared, neck veins bulge, shoulders, back and arms would widen, body shaking, hands at the ready to convey power, threat, dominence. His voice turned to shrill screams.  Spittle released with each venomous word. Points made with punching himself in the head, headbutting objects, gripping his hands around his neck.

I would want to ball into the fetal position and disappear. I never did. He wanted me to feel his pain, his fear and his anger.

I knew what the cause of his pain, fear and anger was. I knew he was hurt to his core.

He had little empathy for others. He invalidated and minimized everyone elses' hurt, pain and feelings. I felt as though he viewed his hurt and pain as more severe than anyone elses'.

[letmeout]

Crazy eyes, yes I remember those well. It looked and sounded like the devil himself   had taken over! I seriously considered (more than once) that I needed to call a priest to perform an exorcism.

Sadly that would not have cured him, I left when I finally realized that nothing would cure him.

[C.Stein]

I didn't see crazy eyes in my upwBPD ex.  What I saw were eyes filled with contempt, anger and hate.  :)uring one blow out I actually tried to take a picture of her so she could see herself.  I wonder now, armed with knowledge of BPD, if that contempt, anger and hate wasn't directed towards me at all, but rather towards herself?

The "eyes" happened at various times, but in particular when I was the one raging because of something she had done that hurt me.

The more buttons I allowed her to push, the more I raged ... .completely out of control, and the "eyes" in combination with the silence just made it worse.

I let her turn me into something and someone I am not ... .and I am horrified and disgusted at how I behaved in those moments.  Thankfully this only happened on a few occasions, but I will carry the guilt and shame for those moments for the rest of my life.  She deserved better from me in those moments.

[thisagain]

I didn't see crazy eyes in my upwBPD ex.  What I saw were eyes filled with contempt, anger and hate.

I had a similar experience during her rages. Especially when I was crying because she had hurt me, or angry at her for screwing up, she would just look at me with such contempt. One of my most painful memories from the relationship was during her first dysregulation: I was so confused and hurt, she eventually apologized but still had that look of contempt in her eyes. I begged her to hold me and comfort me, and she just sat there, looking like she hated me and couldn't care less that I was hurting.

Twice she's gotten so dysregulated that it turned into a prolonged episode of paranoid delusions, unfaithfulness, discard/recycle attempts, and general chaos (once currently and once early this year). During those times she does get 'crazy eyes.' It's truly scary.

[Hopeful83]

 freeatlast

My ex would become a scary monster, as well. Everything about him would change; his eyes, face, posture, voice, mannerisms.

I knew he was lashing out as an emotionally hurt child but that wasn't what he wanted to portray.

His eyes would go wild, face contort, teeth would be bared, neck veins bulge, shoulders, back and arms would widen, body shaking, hands at the ready to convey power, threat, dominence. His voice turned to shrill screams.  Spittle released with each venomous word. Points made with punching himself in the head, headbutting objects, gripping his hands around his neck.

I would want to ball into the fetal position and disappear. I never did. He wanted me to feel his pain, his fear and his anger.

I knew what the cause of his pain, fear and anger was. I knew he was hurt to his core.

He had little empathy for others. He invalidated and minimized everyone elses' hurt, pain and feelings. I felt as though he viewed his hurt and pain as more severe than anyone elses'.

This sounds just like my ex, right down to the extreme head thumping. Jeez.

[SummerStorm]

My former friend and I usually only saw each other at work or at home, when my parents were there, so I never saw the physical violence she's capable of, but her ex described it to me once, and he said it was unlike anything he'd ever seen before. 

I did get the "eyes" once, and it was like a completely different person was looking at me.  I know now that it was because I triggered her abandonment fears, which makes it easier for me to depersonalize it, but that doesn't make it any less scary.  One other time, I tried to talk to her about something serious, and she kept avoiding me.  In the parking lot at work, I said, "We don't have to talk about this now, but we need to talk about it sometime."  She gritted her teeth, and said, "Okay" in an angry and sarcastic tone.  Then, she sped off in her car. 

[Michelle27]

I remember the crazy eyes in the middle of a dysregulation, but what I saw that scared me even more was a certain set in his facial muscles that would happen sometimes hours before a rage would start.  I came to learn over many years of this that that look meant I was doomed. 

[Sadly]

I got flat contemptuous hate filled eyes too, his mouth was crazy to watch spitting vitriolic disgust and hatred at me. If and when I cried he became worse but I couldn't not cry. From the first time 8 months ago to the last time this weekend I still felt the same shock and fear even when I knew what was coming. every time is like being stabbed through the heart. I have had apologies but not in the way we would apologise and apparently I should apologise too for making him be that way? The disgust I still feel for myself for apologising to him on these occasions will live with me always I think even though I not ashamed of myself anymore I still feel the disgust. I cry now when I think that those eyes were once filled with love for me x

[Skip]

Normal or monster-like?

Look in the mirror the next time you are highly emotionally aroused... .your eyes will also be dilated.  

There is a reason we find comfort in making our exs out to be reptiles or little Hitler's.  It relieves us of any culpability.

I always remind myself that, according to Bowen's family theory, we mate with our emotional equals.

I don't think of myself as a reptile or a psychopath - nor my ex.

Questions: Just as part of us all staying grounded - if our ex was truly a monster, would we stay? Would we miss them so? Or are we now painting them black as a way to cope? Is it healthy to paint someone black?

Look forward to hearing from all.  

[Sadly]

No, I don't think of him as a monster, I think of him as a very sick person, but it is hard to be on the receiving end of such underserved hatred,, even whilst knowing there is a lost and lonely child behind it to sometimes not react with those thoughts. He is not a monster but when he does this it me it is a monstrous thing to deal with. Cant write anymore now am in total shredded pieces today.

[cloudten]

 freeatlast

My ex would become a scary monster, as well. Everything about him would change; his eyes, face, posture, voice, mannerisms.

I knew he was lashing out as an emotionally hurt child but that wasn't what he wanted to portray.

His eyes would go wild, face contort, teeth would be bared, neck veins bulge, shoulders, back and arms would widen, body shaking, hands at the ready to convey power, threat, dominence. His voice turned to shrill screams.  Spittle released with each venomous word. Points made with punching himself in the head, headbutting objects, gripping his hands around his neck.

I would want to ball into the fetal position and disappear. I never did. He wanted me to feel his pain, his fear and his anger.

I knew what the cause of his pain, fear and anger was. I knew he was hurt to his core.

He had little empathy for others. He invalidated and minimized everyone elses' hurt, pain and feelings. I felt as though he viewed his hurt and pain as more severe than anyone elses'.

Wow- just wow. I think that fits mine to a T.  Mine actually yelled so hard and his face became so pressurized with blood, that a vessel broke under his eye and began to turn his face purple with bruising. He later blamed me for punching him in the eye. (Lies).

I once told him that his eyes change to be basically black... .he seemed to already know that this happens but validated my thoughts on his eyes.

I also know what Michelle27 means by knowing it would happen hours ahead of time just by facial muscles. I knew facial muscles combined with social situations meant big time trouble. I was always right. I had employees of his ask me days ahead of time if he was okay. I usually knew by behavior that it was coming up to a week ahead of time... .but then confirmed by his physical changes the day of.

I am so glad to be free. I am missing him a lot the last 2 days... .but being reminded of all of this is extremely helpful for me to move on because I was remembering only the good things. xoxo everyone. Take good care of yourself.

[Teereese]

Normal or monster-like?

Look in the mirror the next time you are highly emotionally aroused... .your eyes will also be dilated.  

There is a reason we find comfort in making our exs out to be reptiles or little Hitler's.  It relieves us of any culpability.

I always remind myself that, according to Bowen's family theory, we mate with our emotional equals.

I don't think of myself as a reptile or a psychopath - nor my ex.

Questions: Just as part of us all staying grounded - if our ex was truly a monster, would we stay? Would we miss them so? Or are we now painting them black as a way to cope? Is it healthy to paint someone black?

Look forward to hearing from all.  

Thank you Skip.

I take full accountability for my feelings, reactions, responses during the r/s. I take responsibility for ignoring red flags, accepting unacceptable treatment, staying in the FOG. I accept fault for staying long past my breaking point. I know that I was in over my head. I accept blame for the times I did not help the situation and made it worse. I am okay with that. I did the best I could with what I knew.

I do not think of my ex as a reptile or psychopath. I saw (and still see) him as a broken human being, a child hurt to the core. His outward appearance and behavior during rages gave him the appearance of a scary monster. I knew he was a person in pain. I knew that he did the best he could with what he knew.

I could not stay take anymore. I realized that I would always be his trigger and target.

I do not miss him or long for the r/s. I want to live and feel. I was not doing that while in the r/s.

To be on the receiving end of his rage was real. I do not think describing the outward changes during his rage is painting him black.

It is healthy to process, look back, learn and grow.


Thank you cloudten, and you take care as well.

Each of us have similar experiences. it is good to know that we are not alone.

[Freeatlast_1]

[I always remind myself that, according to Bowen's family theory, we mate with our emotional equals.

I don't think of myself as a reptile or a psychopath - nor my ex]

Skip

I dont think of her as a monster, we have broken up 2 months now and I still love her dearly still, but she does become a 'monster' while in rage. Yes I believe her reactions were exaggerated out of control because of her illness as the monster is the outcome of an emotionally injured child... .but that does not change the fact of how much she manages to hurt me when she rages out of control. Also, therapy does help to a certain point and it is HER choice to seek DBT (and I left her all the contact info) and improve her behavior.

[Lotus1976]

I was just telling someone about this today. He Looked very different right before an episode... Contemptuous and Mistrusting. His eyes changed. His looks changed. My sweet boyfriend looked evil in the hours leading up to an episode. Then during his rage, he would shake and be panic stricken and speaking fast ... .Not making any sense at all!

[Lotus1976]

Normal or monster-like?

Look in the mirror the next time you are highly emotionally aroused... .your eyes will also be dilated.  

There is a reason we find comfort in making our exs out to be reptiles or little Hitler's.  It relieves us of any culpability.

I always remind myself that, according to Bowen's family theory, we mate with our emotional equals.

I don't think of myself as a reptile or a psychopath - nor my ex.

Questions: Just as part of us all staying grounded - if our ex was truly a monster, would we stay? Would we miss them so? Or are we now painting them black as a way to cope? Is it healthy to paint someone black?

Look forward to hearing from all.  

Thank you Skip.

I take full accountability for my feelings, reactions, responses during the r/s. I take responsibility for ignoring red flags, accepting unacceptable treatment, staying in the FOG. I accept fault for staying long past my breaking point. I know that I was in over my head. I accept blame for the times I did not help the situation and made it worse. I am okay with that. I did the best I could with what I knew.

I do not think of my ex as a reptile or psychopath. I saw (and still see) him as a broken human being, a child hurt to the core. His outward appearance and behavior during rages gave him the appearance of a scary monster. I knew he was a person in pain. I knew that he did the best he could with what he knew.

I could not stay take anymore. I realized that I would always be his trigger and target.

I do not miss him or long for the r/s. I want to live and feel. I was not doing that while in the r/s.

To be on the receiving end of his rage was real. I do not think describing the outward changes during his rage is painting him black.

It is healthy to process, look back, learn and grow.


Thank you cloudten, and you take care as well.

Each of us have similar experiences. it is good to know that we are not alone.

I don't think my ex is a monster but he certainly behaved like one during the episodes and would say anything to hurt me.

[English Sid]

When my ex went on one, i noticed that her eyes were just black hollow pits and that she seemed to not realise what she was doing which is scary.

[Hopeful83]

Normal or monster-like?

Look in the mirror the next time you are highly emotionally aroused... .your eyes will also be dilated.  

There is a reason we find comfort in making our exs out to be reptiles or little Hitler's.  It relieves us of any culpability.

I always remind myself that, according to Bowen's family theory, we mate with our emotional equals.

I don't think of myself as a reptile or a psychopath - nor my ex.

Questions: Just as part of us all staying grounded - if our ex was truly a monster, would we stay? Would we miss them so? Or are we now painting them black as a way to cope? Is it healthy to paint someone black?

Look forward to hearing from all.  

I don't think my ex is a monster, but during his rages he appeared to be a different person - someone consumed with so much anger that it looked like he could actually burst from it. Reminding myself of what he was like while he was in this state helps me to move on, because despite being together for three years and despite all the promises to get help all he ever managed to do was go to a therapist once. In the end he projected all his issues onto me, pushed the blame onto the relationship, and got engaged to someone else within two months of us breaking up. There are moments when I still feel so terrible for him, for how awful his childhood was, how he's a product of his environment and how no child should have gone through what he went through. But he's not prepared to do the work that he needs to, which is irresponsible - and now he's set to leave a trail of destruction behind him until he finally admits that he has a MAJOR problem. Sadly I don't see that happening now.

I stuck with him for all that time because I loved him and genuinely believed in him - and what did he do in the end? Turn his back on me within weeks.

If I didn't focus on his rages and the fact he's ill, I'd find it a lot harder to get over him because the rest of the relationship was full of love, affection and great times. During his rages, though, he'd be abusive - once he slapped me, another time he stood on my foot with such force that my toenail came off.

So now I look at the rages as a) the main reason why I could never be with him again and b) the reason I need to look within to see what made me stay with someone who behaved this way for so long.

Hopeful

[Chitchat]

the most demon-like/devilish look that is humanly possible ... .possessed! ... .the lifeless evil eyes... .dissociated ... .evil monsters?

She was far more disturbing when she was cold.

But my partner had those eyes a few times. Also a voice barely recognisable as human two or three times.

The words that came to my mind, besides inhuman, were feral and animal, sometimes primal.

I once had to call into a hole to pick up a pup born in the wild. It couldn't crawl, had no teeth and had almost sightless eyes, but turned on me, tried to bite me, and turned away, whining, pleading, miserable and terrified. My ex reminded me of that pup frequently.

[Chitchat]

There is a reason we find comfort in making our exs out to be reptiles or little Hitler's.  It relieves us of any culpability.

I always remind myself that, according to Bowen's family theory, we mate with our emotional equals.

I don't think of myself as a reptile or a psychopath - nor my ex.

Skip, I agree with that entirely.