ex filed for custody... again

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

So its been awhile since I have been on here, things were going pretty well for me... .up until last week  

So my ex was married in July... .about a year after the split.

during the split she was immediately with another man... .introduced our daughter to him and he was staying the night at her apartment super soon... .well during all the rages and outbursts, along with moving on so quickly... .Our daughter developed quite a bit of anxiety. I asked that our daughter could go to counseling but my ex said she didn't need to. Our daughter is now 4. Anyway we settled our custody this June... .she wanted full custody but we settled for 50/50 a week and a week.

Since then she accuses me of not communicating and refusing to discuss important medical conditions with her... .Again i want to reiterate that I asked that our daughter go to counseling last year... .So now our daughter is having issues again... and she decided that our daughter should see the school counselor. She claims that every time she goes to the school that I dont clothe her well and her hair is always a wreck.

I have always taken proper care of and made sure she has everything she has needed... .have since my ex and I were together and continue to this day.

So my lawyer emailed me last week and asking if I received his mail? i did not... .So he scanned and emailed me the documents... She is filing for full custody again... with the above claims. I am a wreck over this again... .This was taken care of 4 months ago... .so now i have to spend my saving (for my oldest daughters braces and xmas fund) on a lawyer again!

and on top of this... .my ex contacted my previous ex-wife (who i coparent with great) and has gotten my oldest daughter to not even want to come around anymore! This is ridiculous! she has no business contacting my oldest daughter nor talking with my ex-wife!

Does anyone have some advice to make this all stop already?

[m-and-m]

So its been awhile since I have been on here, things were going pretty well for me... .up until last week  

So my ex was married in July... .about a year after the split.

during the split she was immediately with another man... .introduced our daughter to him and he was staying the night at her apartment super soon... .well during all the rages and outbursts, along with moving on so quickly... .Our daughter developed quite a bit of anxiety. I asked that our daughter could go to counseling but my ex said she didn't need to. Our daughter is now 4. Anyway we settled our custody this June... .she wanted full custody but we settled for 50/50 a week and a week.

Since then she accuses me of not communicating and refusing to discuss important medical conditions with her... .Again i want to reiterate that I asked that our daughter go to counseling last year... .So now our daughter is having issues again... and she decided that our daughter should see the school counselor. She claims that every time she goes to the school that I dont clothe her well and her hair is always a wreck.

I have always taken proper care of and made sure she has everything she has needed... .have since my ex and I were together and continue to this day.

So my lawyer emailed me last week and asking if I received his mail? i did not... .So he scanned and emailed me the documents... She is filing for full custody again... with the above claims. I am a wreck over this again... .This was taken care of 4 months ago... .so now i have to spend my saving (for my oldest daughters braces and xmas fund) on a lawyer again!

and on top of this... .my ex contacted my previous ex-wife (who i coparent with great) and has gotten my oldest daughter to not even want to come around anymore! This is ridiculous! she has no business contacting my oldest daughter nor talking with my ex-wife!

Does anyone have some advice to make this all stop already?

[ForeverDad]

If it has only been a few months, then a change of parenting schedule is unlikely, many courts require one year or more to pass before changing schedules.  They don't want to 'upset' the children by frequent changes.  Also, if she is seeking to change custody, she may have to file for court confirmation that there has been a "Change of Circumstances".  That process can take a year or more.  It's up to her to prove her case, it's up to you to disprove her case.  You may even chose to file yourself seeking custody based upon her documented obstructions to your parenting, unsubstantiated allegations and claims, inability to share, etc.

She appears to be gathering a group of supporters/enablers that we term "negative advocates".  It is times like this you'll find who are real friends, who really know you and aren't easily conned.

Have you been documenting all her various poor behaviors?  Court won't officially give much weight to hearsay or "he-said, she-said".  However, if you don't counter her claims in an assertive and proactive way, it will be an even more uphill struggle.  As they say regarding many sporting games, you don't win by playing only defense.

Has a Residential Parent for School Purposes been declared?  While I recall my lawyer (and hers) telling me it meant nothing, I believe it helped give me an edge later in our custody struggle.  Until then she had temp custody and our child attended kindergarten in her school district.  Within 7 weeks after the final decree for 50/50 time, her school, which had previously said they had resolved their issues with her, gave me one day to register him in my school district.

[david]

Her petition states the reasons why she wants a change of custody. You don't clothe her well and her hair is a mess. Take a picture that has a date stamp on it every time you take your daughter to school. Make it something fun for your daughter and you. You can download the images on your hard drive.

[ForeverDad]

Not dressed well?  Hair a mess?  Those are absolutely no basis to get custody.  However, don't tell mother that.  Don't give her a reason to make more serious allegations.  (My ex started small and when those didn't work she worked her way up to allegations of perverted molestation, shin beating, and more.)

And if you bring her to school or daycare be sure to regularly meet the teacher or school secretary and mention something about her, have her say Hi to them or something else so they will know 100% that (1) you were there and (2) your child looked entirely normal and happy.  Maybe sometimes ask them to take a photo of you and daughter, or daughter with teacher.  Then even if the school is reluctant to get involved in testimony you'll have proof that you're a normal parent and she looked just fine.

As I wrote, she could make more allegations.  Be prepared for it to get even nastier.  Meanwhile document any obstructions she makes.  (I recorded so it wouldn't be my word against hers.  Of course I did not wave a recorder in her face, I kept it in my pocket, in no way was I going to trigger an incident.)

As for counseling, courts love counseling.  If ex doesn't want to get involved then ask the court to assign you to handle it.  Just be sure you get a good one that isn't easily manipulated, fooled or conned.  Ex won't stand on the sidelines, if court will order it then she'll insist to control it, not a good idea of course.  Many pwBPD are expert manipulators and emotionally convincing.

[david]

My xBPDw started with minor allegations and ramped up to more serious allegations when they didn't work. I was shocked at how low she would go in her allegations. Protecting yourself from the beginning is a good way to minimize problems. You can show the pattern and how it escalated.

[m-and-m]

Thank you all for the replies... .

The picture before school is a brilliant idea! and I know she would love to make a game of it 

I just hope that some day she realizes that the only person she is hurting here is our daughter. D4 has enough anxieties as it is... .the last thing she needs is to be pushed and pulled all over.

you know... .my ex-wife and I have been co-parenting for years... .and I have never had to deal with BS like this before. 

[ForeverDad]

The picture before school is a brilliant idea! and I know she would love to make a game of it 

I just hope that some day she realizes that the only person she is hurting here is our daughter. D4 has enough anxieties as it is... .the last thing she needs is to be pushed and pulled all over.

you know... .my ex-wife and I have been co-parenting for years... .and I have never had to deal with BS like this before.

Don't make it such a production that your daughter remarks about it to her mother.

Your ex may never improve significantly.  Or she may revert back to her prior norm in time, maybe.  Don't make long term decisions based on hopes and wishes.

The recent surge of parenting controversy, do you have an idea what triggered it?  Could it be her remarriage?  Is she trying to appear the Mother of the Year for her new husband?  Is he egging her on, whether cluelessly or knowingly?  PwBPD are known to be easily triggered by their fears and events such as weddings, funerals, births, birthdays, holidays, moves, new schools, an endless list.

[david]

This goes back about 4 years ago. Whenever our youngest did homework when he was with me I would check it and sign it when it was complete and correct. I did it without thinking about ex at all. Ex interpreted it in a negative way and sent me a nasty email about it. I ignored her email and kept on doing what I was doing. Ex began signing homework after that. A while later I began to realize that our son was doing the majority of his homework when he was with me ( I believe it was close to 97% ) even though mom had majority time during the school year. Fortunately she got a bug up her butt about me signing and started signing homework so I had a paper trail. I copied everyone for three years as ex dragged out my petition to modify custody. During that entire time ex never changed her behavior with our son and his homework ? We finally settled and I got 50/50 during the school year. That was last year.

This year he had done zero homework when with his mom until a month ago. I have no intention of addressing it with ex since that would lead to a back and forth battle through emails and nothing positive would result. Instead, I told S12 that if he missed a homework at his moms' and did it with me he would also be given several additional assignments from me during my weekend. It took him a few days to process and he is doing fine. She doesn't check or sign things anymore.

Realize that if your wife never gets better she will never do things the majority of people think is the proper course of action. I have pretty much learned to accept her for who she is and raise our boys the best way I know how.