How to stop fighting for my existence

[caughtnreleased]

I think I have successfully identified my triggers: they are all situations where I feel like I have to say:   what about me? I exist! and the people look through me, as if they see nothing.

Or situations when I'm discussing something about myself, or what I'm doing and someone who is narcissistic interrupts me in order to overshadow and divert the attention on to themselves.

Or when I feel like I've been "replaced". My siblings have done this, my mother does it with my siblings, and my BPDex did it. 

All of this links back to my own desire to be seen, to be heard, to be loved and somehow feeling unable to achieve any of these.  I have spent my life fighting to be heard, and feel as though it is futile. 

I suppose my next strep is to somehow find what I need elsewhere, from others.   I know it's out there, but I haven't found it yet.  Does anyone else have the sensation of being invisible? Of having your own existence denied to you for such a long and constant amount of time... .  I find it so hard because I tend to find myself so frequently in situations like this and they trigger anger, without fail.  How do I overcome this? How do I get beyond feeling like I don't exist? I know anger doesn't help. 

This same problem of feeling like I'm invisible also made me fall prey to the charm of a narcissistic man who spent months courting and charming me.

I have friends who do it to me to.  I'll tell them an idea, they'll criticize or ignore it, and then a few months later they'll tell me "their" idea which is the one I spoke to them about months earlier... .

I am going around in circles with this.  It's like a prison cell, and I keep trying to get out through the door but its locked.  There's another way out... .but I keep banging on the door, but no one hears me.  I can't figure out how to get out. 

[Lifewriter16]

Hi caughtnreleased,

I know that feeling of invisibility SO well. I felt it strongly with my BPDxbf, but it didn't originate there though it was that relationship that enabled me to being to get in touch with the actual feelings associated with invisibility.

For me, I think it is also connected with not having a voice. I once made a set of 3 teddy bears for a boyfriend. Many years later, he asked me why I hadn't given the bears mouths. It made me wonder. Why didn't I think to give them mouths? Did it say anything about me?

It did. I was brought up in a family where my parents ascribed to the belief that 'children should be seen and not heard'. Joining a peer support group, speaking my truth, writing about my feelings, joining online support groups, journalling and speaking out about my experiences generally have all helped me to practise taking up space in the world, space I didn't feel entitled to. Basically, I found safe places to practise before tackling the difficult people in my life. I have been exercising a belief that I have a right to exist until it has become a true belief. It's a gradual process, in my experience.

I decided that my right to exist, to be taken notice of, etc were more important to me than my relationship with my BPDbf and thus he became my xbf - but that's a very personal decision.

Would you like to write in greater detail here about your experiences?

Love Lifewriter

[Grey Kitty]

caughtnreleased, you may not want to go to the extreme solution that Lifewriter16 did -- breaking up with the person who made you feel invisible.

However I would suggest you look at the people in your life, and take inventory--which ones make you feel invisible the most often... .and which ones notice you the most often.

Adjust the amount of time you spend with people accordingly. And if needed, look for new people who do care about you.

[Lifewriter16]

Yes, Grey Kitty is right. I don't think that breaking up is the best action, it's the final action once all else has failed.

My breakup included the fact I felt invisible to him and my needs were not being met, but there were a host of other reasons too. However, it was talking to my BPDxbf about those feelings of invisibility (the first symptoms of co-dependency that I became aware of) that really kick-started the demise of our relationship. It was too much criticism for him to bear. I believe it sounded like I was blaming him for it. I wish I had found a better way to express and own my feelings. Unfortunately, I didn't realise that I had co-dependency and other emotional problems. I was in denial. I thought I'd sorted them all out! I seriously thought it was all him. I even told him it was him. I hadn't joined BPD Family by then and had my eyes opened to myself.

I really wish you all the best in finding your way through. If I could have found a way to be me and to stay, I would have taken that option instead.

Lifewriter

[caughtnreleased]

Thank you very much for your responses.  Greykitty that sounds like a really good approach.  I think I do have a lot of people who do make me feel invisible.  It's strange though, once I sat back and listenned to a conversation between two of my friends who tend to ignore and talk over me.  One was complaining about how terrible and bad her back was.  The other, instead of giving sympathy, instead, went on to one-up her and talk about how terrible HER OWN back problem was.  I just sat and observed how both of them started to get annoyed with eachother as they kept talking about their problems without being able to understand the other person's problems.  Well, my mother does the same.  I just came out of two weeks of being sick.  My mother responded: oh yeah, the rest of us had that a few weeks back.  That was it.

The other thing about all this, I have had so many dreams related to this topic exactly.  Where I am being ignored, where someone is turning their back on me.  Last night I dreamt about my BPDex, I was in love with him and constantly wanted to be by his side.  He hung around for a bit, and then in a very matter of fact way, got on his bike, and just left.  As if it didn't really matter what I felt, or what I said.  Again, I felt insignificant.  Although in my dream I felt as though I was asking him not to leave, but I don't think I said to him: please don't leave.

However, as a counter example to all of this, when I was a child, I turned a large closet under a staircase into my hiding spot where I would read or just hang out.  I was actually never allowed to have personal time.  In fact, if it was ever discovered that I was relaxing, I would be recruited to do extremely menial tasks.  So I hid.  I could often hear my mother looking for me, but after 5 minutes or so she would give up... .and I would feel safe in hiding spot, to do what I wanted to do.  I actually wanted to feel invisible.  So I think, perhaps, being visible was actually a danger when I was growing up and it made me a target a few times.  So I learned to hide myself away.  When I now try and express myself though I struggle with the sensation of being invisible.  I suppose there are two things I need to work on: as greykitty says, spend time with people who will pay more attention to me; and the other is learning to no longer hide who I am, and speak for myself in a way that I can be heard. And perhaps not get angry when I feel as though I am not being listened to.  That is a really big trigger.  I need to figure out how to stop banging on a door that is never going to open.

[Grey Kitty]

Hmmm... .I think as a child, you wanted to feel safe, and found being invisible more safe than being visible.

It sounds like it worked well for you as a child to hide and be invisible.

As an adult, you are finding the downside.

However, the core need is what you want to look for--friends that you feel safe with. That you can trust.

One thing you might try with some friends is explaining how you feel about being invisible--and ask them to help. Part of that might be telling someone that you are feeling invisible, and want to feel seen. (This would be a good thing to discuss in advance, perhaps with a bit of an explanation of how you feel invisible at times.)