Feeling unappreciated

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

I find myself tempted to initiate contact with my pwBPD just because I'm angry that she doesn't appreciate what a good person I am and how majorly she screwed up by discarding me. I'm not necessarily upset that my relationship is over, but I am really angry that she discarded me, and that she's not consistently making desperate efforts to get me back. I am a good person. When I met my ex, I'd already worked so hard on myself and would have made an amazing partner to an emotionally healthy person. Since realizing about the BPD I've been working even harder to learn how to be the kind of partner she needed. I would have stayed despite all of the ridiculousness and abuse she put me through. She doesn't appreciate that at all. In fact it's the opposite, she (sometimes) thinks I treated her terribly and that breaking up with me has made her life much better.

I struggled a lot when I was younger because my FOO didn't appreciate me for who I am (due to religious/ideological differences). I worked a lot in my own therapy and got to a point where I feel good about myself regardless of what other people think. But it's still really frustrating when I feel like I'm being unappreciated or taken for granted. Does that make sense?

And it's not just with my ex. I just finished law school, and I worked really hard to help pro bono clients and contribute to various organizations and causes. I feel very good about my work, but I almost never got any recognition. People just kept expecting me to do more, and then gave me a really hard time whenever my physical disability kept me from singlehandedly pulling off everything. I had the boundaries and skills to refuse to take on too much responsibility, ask for help when my illness flared up, tell people to stop giving me a hard time because I'm disabled and doing the best I could, etc. But it didn't matter, people still didn't help and people still gave me a hard time. I know that reflects badly on them and not on me, and I'm proud of how I stood up for myself, but it still was really difficult for me. Or another thing I just found out about: I ran an entire legal services clinic myself (these are 60+ clients who I was responsible for overseeing), argued a really important appeal alone, won the appeal so my theory became the law for the whole state, and was the only person in my year to do any of that. At the end of the year the faculty voted on all sorts of awards for graduated students, and they gave all the awards for pro bono work to other people. Things like that keep happening.

So I'm confused, because I don't NEED other people's opinions to feel good about myself, but it still hurts to be so rarely acknowledged. I know I did a lot of great work and that I was a good partner. The lack of recognition from others doesn't affect my core self-esteem or how I see myself, but it's just so frustrating.

I did the best I could with my ex in the face of serious mental illness and abuse, and then she broke up with me over text message after two years, has been jerking me around for the past month doing things like saying she loves me one day and cozying up to a replacement the next, and now won't even answer my phone calls. I value myself and I know there are other people out there who would value me, but it still hurts to be so devalued by her after everything I put into this relationship for the past two years.

Has anyone else felt like this with the pwBPD or in general? Does this feeling ever go away?

[thisagain]

I find myself tempted to initiate contact with my pwBPD just because I'm angry that she doesn't appreciate what a good person I am and how majorly she screwed up by discarding me. I'm not necessarily upset that my relationship is over, but I am really angry that she discarded me, and that she's not consistently making desperate efforts to get me back. I am a good person. When I met my ex, I'd already worked so hard on myself and would have made an amazing partner to an emotionally healthy person. Since realizing about the BPD I've been working even harder to learn how to be the kind of partner she needed. I would have stayed despite all of the ridiculousness and abuse she put me through. She doesn't appreciate that at all. In fact it's the opposite, she (sometimes) thinks I treated her terribly and that breaking up with me has made her life much better.

I struggled a lot when I was younger because my FOO didn't appreciate me for who I am (due to religious/ideological differences). I worked a lot in my own therapy and got to a point where I feel good about myself regardless of what other people think. But it's still really frustrating when I feel like I'm being unappreciated or taken for granted. Does that make sense?

And it's not just with my ex. I just finished law school, and I worked really hard to help pro bono clients and contribute to various organizations and causes. I feel very good about my work, but I almost never got any recognition. People just kept expecting me to do more, and then gave me a really hard time whenever my physical disability kept me from singlehandedly pulling off everything. I had the boundaries and skills to refuse to take on too much responsibility, ask for help when my illness flared up, tell people to stop giving me a hard time because I'm disabled and doing the best I could, etc. But it didn't matter, people still didn't help and people still gave me a hard time. I know that reflects badly on them and not on me, and I'm proud of how I stood up for myself, but it still was really difficult for me. Or another thing I just found out about: I ran an entire legal services clinic myself (these are 60+ clients who I was responsible for overseeing), argued a really important appeal alone, won the appeal so my theory became the law for the whole state, and was the only person in my year to do any of that. At the end of the year the faculty voted on all sorts of awards for graduated students, and they gave all the awards for pro bono work to other people. Things like that keep happening.

So I'm confused, because I don't NEED other people's opinions to feel good about myself, but it still hurts to be so rarely acknowledged. I know I did a lot of great work and that I was a good partner. The lack of recognition from others doesn't affect my core self-esteem or how I see myself, but it's just so frustrating.

I did the best I could with my ex in the face of serious mental illness and abuse, and then she broke up with me over text message after two years, has been jerking me around for the past month doing things like saying she loves me one day and cozying up to a replacement the next, and now won't even answer my phone calls. I value myself and I know there are other people out there who would value me, but it still hurts to be so devalued by her after everything I put into this relationship for the past two years.

Has anyone else felt like this with the pwBPD or in general? Does this feeling ever go away?

[C.Stein]

Has anyone else felt like this with the pwBPD or in general? Does this feeling ever go away?

Absolutely yes and I really hope the feeling goes away because it's driving me crazy.

[unicorn2014]

Hi this again, I am sorry you are suffering like that.   :'(   Have you ever done any kind of recovery work?

[thisagain]

What do you mean by recovery work? I've done therapy for 3+ years. Both regular talk therapy and trauma-focused. I don't really have anything to recover from as far as addiction, ACOA, etc... .The trauma therapy started out about my FOO, but then realized that most of the symptoms were coming from pwBPD-inflicted trauma (I just had a terrible, graphic nightmare about my ex last night in fact).

Today my ex blocked me on Facebook and I confirmed that she'd blocked my phone. Less than a week ago she was making promises, we were laughing about our usual inside jokes, and she was saying she missed our life together and didn't want to be with anyone else. Less than a week later, with no explanation, she's ghosted. I just feel hurt that she doesn't appreciate what a great partner I was, and my willingness to work with her. I was really a Stayer and I would have been a good Stayer.

[unicorn2014]

Hi this again, I'm sorry you're going through that. Have you ever done any recovery work around codependency? There are recovery groups and recovery literature around that issue. I hope that the pain lessens in time. 

[thisagain]

I've looked into it. I think I had more of those traits 5+ years ago, although really the only major issue I had was subordinating my own needs to those of others and not thinking that my own feelings and needs were worth asserting. I worked through it very well in my individual therapy before meeting my ex. In previous relationships I struggled because I wouldn't assert my feelings or needs at all, and then I'd get more and more resentful until I'd abruptly break it off because I was so unhappy.

After my ex's BPD started showing, I was really confused and frustrated when all of my new skills at asking for what I wanted, expressing my feelings, saying no, etc didn't get any results in the relationship. I think a huge part of why I stayed was that I knew I was doing it right, and I just thought that if I kept being assertive, telling her how she'd hurt me, and telling her what I needed from her, it had to work. I wasn't prepared for the possibility that I could do my part right and there still might not be a healthy person on the other end to hear my communication. And I think that my refusal to shut down my own feelings and needs was one of the main reasons the relationship ended.

That's kind of what I'm saying about the appreciation too. I don't NEED other people's appreciation to feel good about myself anymore. But I know that I deserve appreciation and it's annoying to not get it. I think not caring at all about whether my hard work is recognized, my partner appreciates me, etc would just make me a sociopath. Even when I was growing up in a really hostile, totalitarian, almost cult-like religious environment, I knew that I was a good person and they were wrong for rejecting and devaluing me. I knew that the problem was them and not me, like I do with my ex, but it's still frustrating.

[unicorn2014]

this again, It sounds like you've really suffered a lot and I'm sorry for this. I hope that you are able to heal and in time find a partner that is more suited to you. Have you read that book about abandonment that is recommended by BPD family?

[thisagain]

Thanks   I'll look up the book!

I think where a lot of my frustration and confusion is coming from, is that I learned years ago that I was inviting people to use me as a doormat, devalue me, and ignore my feelings. So I learned how not to let people do that anymore, and I do a good job of standing up for myself now. And yet people still try to trample, neglect, and devalue me so often. I don't know why I'm still having to put so much effort into defending basic boundaries and asserting basic needs.

[C.Stein]

Thanks   I'll look up the book!

I think where a lot of my frustration and confusion is coming from, is that I learned years ago that I was inviting people to use me as a doormat, devalue me, and ignore my feelings. So I learned how not to let people do that anymore, and I do a good job of standing up for myself now. And yet people still try to trample, neglect, and devalue me so often. I don't know why I'm still having to put so much effort into defending basic boundaries and asserting basic needs.

Geez, did you just rip a page out of my book?  I also learned to set boundaries a while ago, but in my recent failed relationship I let some boundaries get crossed.  I found myself eventually just ignoring these violations where in the the beginning I was trying to enforce them.  I think it came to the point where I just got so tired of having to keep her in bounds, so instead of the one directional emotionally exhausting talk that would fall on deaf ears I just let it slide.  This was absolutely wrong, for both me and her.  Given her likely BPD, adapting a no tolerance attitude would have benefited both her, myself and our relationship.

[unicorn2014]

Thanks   I'll look up the book!

I think where a lot of my frustration and confusion is coming from, is that I learned years ago that I was inviting people to use me as a doormat, devalue me, and ignore my feelings. So I learned how not to let people do that anymore, and I do a good job of standing up for myself now. And yet people still try to trample, neglect, and devalue me so often. I don't know why I'm still having to put so much effort into defending basic boundaries and asserting basic needs.

Its called the journey from abandonment to healing. I took a look at it to familiarize myself with what I might go through if I chose to end my relationship and it was enough to make me stay. I've already been through one break up in my life, don't want to go through another one, at least not right now. 

[eeks]

I find myself tempted to initiate contact with my pwBPD just because I'm angry that she doesn't appreciate what a good person I am and how majorly she screwed up by discarding me. I'm not necessarily upset that my relationship is over, but I am really angry that she discarded me, and that she's not consistently making desperate efforts to get me back. I am a good person. When I met my ex, I'd already worked so hard on myself and would have made an amazing partner to an emotionally healthy person. Since realizing about the BPD I've been working even harder to learn how to be the kind of partner she needed. I would have stayed despite all of the ridiculousness and abuse she put me through. She doesn't appreciate that at all. In fact it's the opposite, she (sometimes) thinks I treated her terribly and that breaking up with me has made her life much better.

I struggled a lot when I was younger because my FOO didn't appreciate me for who I am (due to religious/ideological differences). I worked a lot in my own therapy and got to a point where I feel good about myself regardless of what other people think. But it's still really frustrating when I feel like I'm being unappreciated or taken for granted. Does that make sense?

It makes sense to me.  A person can develop their own self-worth to an extent, for example by being aware of their values, and living by them.  I am guessing that since you ran a legal services clinic, and put such effort into it, that you value social justice and human rights?  If so, I also assume that you're aware of your accomplishments and, at least to an extent, don't need others to tell you.  However, I completely agree that people need to feel acknowledged, appreciated, it seems to be a common if not universal thing to want to know that our work has made a contribution to others.

I think it's an important observation that you made, tying this to feelings in your FOO of not being appreciated due to religious/ideological differences, as well as to your experience in a relationship with a pwBPD.  

There seems to be this perplexing tendency in adulthood to try to resolve childhood issues with people who are similar to the people who hurt you.  Harville Hendrix talks about this in his books.  

I wonder if, on some level, even though you have worked on your own self-worth in therapy (which you can be proud of doing, it's not easy), there's still some little part of you that wants your parents' acknowledgement?  Wants to convince them to accept you?  Not even necessarily your parents now accepting and acknowledging you now, as an adult, but wanting that acceptance from them then, towards you then?

[thisagain]

There seems to be this perplexing tendency in adulthood to try to resolve childhood issues with people who are similar to the people who hurt you.  Harville Hendrix talks about this in his books.  

I wonder if, on some level, even though you have worked on your own self-worth in therapy (which you can be proud of doing, it's not easy), there's still some little part of you that wants your parents' acknowledgement?  Wants to convince them to accept you?  Not even necessarily your parents now accepting and acknowledging you now, as an adult, but wanting that acceptance from them then, towards you then?

Thanks so much for your thoughts!

I don't think my ex is really similar to my parents? Some of the feelings were similar (both feeling rejected and unappreciated, and not having my feelings heard or respected). But what's going on on their end is totally different- extreme religious/political ideology for my parents, and BPD for my ex.

I guess I should bring it up with my T, but how would I respond to knowing that I'm looking for acceptance/appreciation that I didn't get back then? There's only so far I can get myself with just appreciating myself, and it still gets frustrating to not be acknowledged or appreciated like you said.

Anyways, wouldn't anyone in my position rather have had not-homophobic parents who valued them and their goals and achievements? I mean all they ever really wanted was for me to marry a nice boy from their church and make lots of nice babies. I went NC with my dad a few years ago and feel good about that. My mom is more open, supports my work, and is sort of grudgingly tolerant of my sexual orientation... .but I know she'd be so much happier and we'd be so much closer if I married a nice boy from their church and stayed home to raise his babies. (Which is a totally valid choice for some people, just not my choice for me ). So that hurts when I really sit and think about it, but I'm learning to accept it and be grateful for the connection and support she is able to give.

[unicorn2014]

Hi this again, I'm sorry for your pain.       I'm having a hard time too.  While I can't relate to your exact situation, its kind of funny, but I'm on the opposite side of the  coin...

I did stay home to raise my child  on my own after I divorced and my parents are both about work and career so I feel shunned by them, my father in particular, because I chose to put my career on hold and focus on my child.

Have you done any work on the coping board? I don't know if either of your parents exhibited any borderline traits at all, but all it takes is one trait from one of them to be affected.

Have you ever been to any recovery meetings for adult children? I find them to be very helpful. In fact when I am in pain, like tonight, it is the only thing I can cling to to give me any comfort at all.

[thisagain]

Aww I'm sorry to hear that  It's a shame that people can't just respect and trust each other that we're all making the right choices for ourselves... .even pwBPD making completely irrational and self-sabotaging choices have their reasons and it makes sense to them within their worldview.

That's a good idea, I might read through the lessons on the coping board though and see if anything resonates. I think my father is either NPD or just a general big jerk, and my mom is majorly codependent. Some of the Staying tools like radical acceptance have actually been a big help with my mom.

What are the adult children meetings for?

[unicorn2014]

thisagain, my social worker gave me the narcissistic traits today to help me with my father.

Adult children meetings are for adult children of alcoholics or dysfunctional families, which can include adult children of borderline or narcissist. Its a  recovery program. There are meetings all over the place.